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Tipping Point

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Today’s post comes from idea man and marketing expert Spin Williams, who is constantly trying to stay ahead of the future at The Meeting That Never Ends.

I’m excited, because giving management advice is always a money maker! That’s why we love, love, love this New York Times article about unhappiness on the job.

It has started a new conversation that’s going to make it possible for us to charge clients some hefty fees! And the basic premise is SO TRUE – everybody is depressed about the way things are going at work.

That’s right – everybody! That’s why I believe we’ve reached an economic and employment tipping point. Everything in the workplace is about to go topsy-turvy, which sounds like a great calamity but it’s actually a wonderful money maker for us if we can spin it right and get enough CEO’s into panic mode!

A couple of years ago in the Bad Old Days when there was no money, I was one of those managers who thought the disgruntled employee set was a bunch of selfish crybabies. Setting up daycare centers, fitness clubs and free transportation for the workforce made no sense to me. “Employee Coddling” is what I called it – a misguided HR strategy that I thought would totally undermine the bottom-line focus of successful corporations.

After all, the business model we inherited from the 19th century is built on exploitation of labor. Every mogul has been taught to consider the workforce with this thought in mind: “If they’re not miserable, we could be making more money!”

But now we know businesses that help employees feel valued and successful are the ones that prosper most. It seems employee coddling can be good for the bottom line! In fact, this particular quote in the New York Times story really hit home:

A truly human-centered organization puts its people first — even above customers — because it recognizes that they are the key to creating long-term value.

Of course! Everything you thought is now the opposite. The employee is now the customer, and a modern workplace should sell their employees the feeling of being valued. Here’s where the math comes in – we’ll create a package of automatically deductible employee fees.

  • Workers can buy a thoughtful boss upgrade.
  • They will be charged a sane workload assessment.
  • And their pay will be docked for the meaningful work surcharge.

And the best part is – if we can get back half their wages through these fees, your business is suddenly breaking even!

This is a genius idea because Americans are so moved to do work that improves the lives of others. So in the future, we advise smart companies to hire people to play the role of grateful customers to help employees feel even better about their jobs!

Yes, I’m promoting the idea that employees will become the firm’s actual customers, and their current customers will become their employees.  In a weird way, it all makes perfect sense, and it’s inevitable!

You probably need our management advice to deal with it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Future Ahead, Over and Out,
Spin Williams

What is it worth to feel happy in your work?

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Love For Sale

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Today’s post comes from notorious pirate and Skipper of the Muskellunge, Captain Billy.

Ahoy!

Me an’ me boys had our interest piqued when we learned about th’ Anonymous Rich Person (A.R.P.) what’s hiding money all around San Francisco.

Artists Approximation of Captain Billy
Artists Approximation of Captain Billy

It appears this here moneybags is entertainin’ his or herself by leavin’ clues via Twitter so as t’ guide enterprisin’ strangers t’ secret caches of loot. An’ people is signin’ up fer duty by th’ thousands, happy t’ spend hours playin’ hide an’ go seek fer th’ aforementioned A.R.P.’s dollars.

Since we is primarily in the everyday business of searchin’ fer riches everywhere, all me pirates on board th’ Muskellunge had somethin’ t’ say about this unusual situation.

“Harmless fun,” said me First Mate, Gimpy.

“They’s playin’ at pirates!” said me forward watch, One Eye Pete.

“They’ll never look under the meatloaf,” said th’ cook, Scrambled Leg Peg.

Nobody seen nothin’ suspicious in this here money hidin’ scheme – they seen it as just a good bit of entertainment fer th’ bored landlubbers.

But that’s because they ain’t Captain of this here ship! As Captain, I’m well aware of what it takes t’ secure the loyalty of fickle followers. An’ that’s why I suspects this here is a clandestine bid t’ buy an’ keep th’ allegiance of San Franciscans, an’ beyond them, th’ world!

An’ who, you may ask, would operate such a dastardly scheme? I thinks th’ culprit is obvious, an’ he’s hidin’ in plain sight. I respectfully draws yer attention t’ th’ discussion we had mere weeks ago regardin’ th’ mysterious whereabouts of Putin’s Gold.

Aye! Th’ A.R.P. is none other than Russian National Skipper Vladimir Putin!

Nonsense? No, I say! Think!

Putin is reviled all over th’ world. His wealth is under attack by powerful nations an’ monetary agencies that has th’ wherewithal t’ freeze it fer good. If you was bent on world domination an’ had one last chance t’ spend yer dough before it got seized, what would ya do?

Use it t’ buy followers, of course!

An’ when it comes t’ hearts an’ minds, no one is more open t’ conversion by way of dollars than th’ American people. So as Obama’s approval numbers drop, Putin will win new sympathizers with every clue he tweets. Who knows, he could wind up wi’ real political clout, or at least a guest shot on Dancin’ W’ Th’ Stars. But I don’t have any doubt he’s usin’ strategically placed sums to buy his way t’ respectability an’ influence.

An’ there’s nothin’ more American than that!

Yer suspicious pal,
Capt. Billy

What would it take to buy your loyalty?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

I have a steady, good paying job that’s as vital to the community as anything anybody else does, and it’s more important than most. I’m proud of my work and I don’t mind saying so. But snide comments from the neighbors, my friends and even some members of my own family are wearing me down. It feels like people just don’t understand what I do.

Even though we have a great history that’s directly connected to human progress, there hasn’t been a popular role model for my line of work since Art Carney was hanging out with Jackie Gleason.

Yes, I’m a sewer worker.

Sometimes I have to go into dank places where waste collects and congeals into a putrid sludge. Our high-tech equipment usually keeps us at a distance from the most unsavory elements of our work, although it helps to have a strong stomach. I am very careful about where I step, though I do sometimes get a fragrant paste smeared on my boots and clothes.

But I’ve done this for a while, so clean-up is one of my best skills. On my way home I look just as prim and pressed as anyone. My house is as tidy and as sweet smelling as a fussy florist’s flat.

Still, as soon as people realize what I do for a living, I am subjected to a never-ending flow of poop jokes. There is never a time when people don’t feel that it’s appropriate to cut loose with another good-natured jibe about gas, muck, and chunks.

Diarrhea comes up with surprising regularity in these casual conversations, even though we in the profession treat it the same way actors approach Macbeth – we never speak its name.

My 25th high school class reunion is coming up in a few weeks, and I’m torn. I want to go but I feel like I can’t tell people what I do for a living. My wife suggested I say I’m in the disease prevention field, which is accurate but it could lead to more questions and eventual disappointment when people find out I’m not a doctor. My brother said I should just tell them I’m in the pipeline business, but somehow that sounds … dirty!

Dr. Babooner, I feel stuck. Should I tell the truth, lie, or just stay home?

Clogged Brain

I told Clogged he should definitely go to his class reunion and should consider telling the truth. Most people truly appreciate our sewage system and the professionals who make it run. It’s not at all difficult to understand why this work is a social good. Even small-government conservatives are willing to pay taxes in support of what you do. But if being honest is too painful, one can always claim to be a member of the U.S. Congress. With some, that revelation will give you a quick taste of how it feels to have a job that is truly reviled, and everyone else will quickly change the subject to something more pleasant!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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Unhappy Campers

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Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

H’lo.,

Now that it’s Memorial Day, the camping season has started up for real. This is good news for us bears, because more people in the woods means more food in the woods. And more food in the woods means more food in the woods! Pretty simple.

He Found a Smart Phone in the Woods
He Found a Smart Phone in the Woods

Some bears think having people in the woods is a bad thing, but I say it all has to do with the type of people we’re talking about. Not all of them are the same! Most bears don’t get this, but I’ve been online a lot so I know it’s true!

The type of people you don’t want are developers. And by that I mean contractors, resort builders, industrialists, etc. They’ll knock down trees and put up stuff that draws more and more people and before long there are no bear-friendly spaces left. Bad!

The type of people you DO want are nature-lovers. They come to be in the wilderness and because they love it so much, they don’t want it to change. Although those really strict and passionate environmentalists are a little too earnest for me. They don’t bring any bag snacks with them – it’s all pea pods and hummus in their backpacks, which stinks!

Give me Fritos any day.

And the type of people who will give me my Fritos are the very best kind of people in the whole world, and they’re especially wonderful when they come to the woods – children!

Children love to eat terrible food – the best kind of food there is! And they’re really sloppy. There is no better camping human than a child, unless it’s a child who really, really does NOT want to be in the woods in the first place. Unhappy campers are the best because they’re so dramatic! Many of them become so upset they don’t eat anything – mom and dad send a plate of brownies and they just throw it into the woods out of spite!

And that’s at least one scenario where I say “spite makes right!”

So I would recommend that all adult humans consider doing something special for the major wildlife groups of the north woods this year – please Force a Kid to Go To Camp!

Why, you ask?

It’s true some child development experts say you shouldn’t force a child to do anything major like this, but I have to disagree. Forcing a Kid To Go To Camp is one of the best and most memorable things you can do as a parent. You’ll always remember it, for one thing. And it helps you develop your shouting voice, for another thing. And also it can transform you into a whole, complete person in a number of important ways.

  • Independence – You feel a lot more independent because your kid has gone to camp and is out of your hair, and it’s summer!
  • Confidence – It’s a great boost to your self esteem when you realize you can make your child do something she doesn’t want to do, especially after that epic battle over the dishes!
  • Relationships – You’ll find you make friends quickly when you can tell other parents how awful it was when you tried to force your child to go to camp. They know just what you’re talking about, and once you share your story somebody is bound to open a bottle of wine. Especially if the kids are away at camp!

So camp is great for everyone, but it’s especially great for us bears when you send kids who are going under protest. So if you haven’t seriously considered it, please take another look and then pack a small suitcase and a big sack of junk food and put them on a bus or in a church van or something and send them up north!

We’re waiting with open mouths!

Your pal,
Bart

What makes you an unhappy camper?

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Lonely City Seeks Mappiness

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Today’s post comes from living and loving correspondent B. Marty Barry.

First, a word of assurance to all the people out there – although I’ve never met you, I do care about each and every one of you very, very much.

That’s why I can sense a problem – namely that some people are feeling really delighted and emotionally validated by the decision yesterday from NFL owners to send the Super Bowl to Minneapolis in 2018. Of course it makes me happy to see people happy and it’s always wonderful to feel good about yourself.

But I’m concerned that we have loaded too many eggs into our basket of civic self esteem.

Some people are saying this single event will make Minneapolis a world-class city that will finally be recognized as being “on the map” in the eyes of those who apparently don’t spend much time gazing at maps – otherwise they would have found us by now!

I seem to remember the very same result was promised in connection with the Super Bowl Minneapolis hosted in 1992 at the then-fabulous Metrodome. Didn’t that create a sufficient level of on-the-mapiness? Apparently not! The Metrodome is now a dirty hole in the ground and we’re still longing for someone (anyone) to award us that elusive “world-class” status.

Every day as part of my mission to bring happiness and self-sufficiency to distressed people, I hear these wounded souls talk about a burning hunger to see approval in the eyes of their fellow beings – especially the kind of approval that comes from others they have never met in far away places they have never seen.

It is because of this urge that I sit in a chair back behind my clients while they talk to me. I have found that not being visible to those I try to help makes me much smarter (in their eyes) and it raises the value of my favorable opinion by about 20 points.

To be so needy is very human, I think. But if I’m being completely honest, it’s also a little tiresome and somewhat pathetic. But I’m not thinking of anyone in particular when I say that, and of course I’m not here to judge. It’s just that I don’t understand why we are suddenly so giddy to have a Big Date with the NFL – an organization that counts its conquests in Roman numerals (XLVIII so far) and readily admits to having “franchisees” in 26 cities around the country! Franchisees! How cold! And yes, we’ll be in the spotlight on February 4th, 2018, but so what? What happens next?

I’ll tell you! The very next year that same significant occasion will be held at some other franchisee’s place and we will be forgotten!

Yes, it’s nice to be chosen. Our date will leave lots of money here, but we will also spend a pretty penny on new infrastructure – primping and improving and getting ourselves ready. Maybe too much? Time will tell, but already I can see that we are quite eager to please!

Let’s re-visit this next time. Until then, why don’t you set aside a morning and spend it locating yourself on as many maps as you can find! The more often you hear yourself say “I’m already there,” the healthier your perspective will be when it comes time for the Big Date.

Whose opinion matters?

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Ice Out!

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings 9th Districters!

Finally, we are in the season when things in the fabled 9th have literally become more fluid as the ice has been declared “out” over almost the entire district, give or take a few of the far, far northern lakes where pond hockey continues almost to the 4th of July.

This relative warmth relaxes and releases things.

As your elected representative I have been frozen, just like you, through most of the winter. I see that I have only produced three formal press statements since last November!

Critics say this has to do with my management style – namely that my staff hates working for me and they’re frustrated over constantly shifting positions and policy decisions. But I prefer to think of my office as a high-expectations environment where my demanding standards can surprise some under-prepared and off-balance assistants.

Yes, there is a lot of turnover in my office. But that creates opportunity for fresh-faced young people to learn first-hand how disheartening the world of work can really be! So if you know any youth who need such a lesson, have them contact me ASAP, since I’m doing pretty much everything on my own right now!

I’m not complaining. As many highly driven, financially successful business leaders like Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling will tell you, spare-time pursuits like self-reflection and second-thoughting are highly overrated. If you have something to say, why not just get it out there, unfiltered?

Accordingly, here’s the big news – with the softening terrain there will be an influx of visitors from exotic distant locales like Chicago and Denver. And with them come jobs! It would be wrong for me to take personal credit for the seasonal uptick in employment, but job numbers are looking better nationwide, as long as you don’t look at the other numbers that aren’t as encouraging.

That’s welcome news that might not have happened if there was a different person representing you in Washington. How so? Previous staffers have discouraged me from “going public” with this line of reasoning, but my logic has been upheld in literally dozens of time-travel scenarios. Changing one historic detail puts everything else in flux, so consider these items linked – I am in office and tourist dollars are on the way. End of story!

And with those visitors comes an increase in work all across the 9th district to guide, feed, lodge, entertain and clean up after our guests! And by “we”, I mean “you”, since I don’t deal personally with tourists even though I am a people person! Most of the people I schmooze are funders and power brokers – folks just like me who happen to have things that I need, like money or a vote. So of course I love them and we get along famously!

Ordinary tourists are more like demanding constituents who have many urgent needs and not a lot to offer in exchange. I realize that may not sound so good, so disregard it if you’re starting to feel mad. We’re a little short staffed right now, and having to handle your tirade will not make things any easier down at the office.

Besides, I could use the relief. It’s spring!

That’s all for now. God Bless America and so forth!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

Does it help things to speak freely?

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The Not So Lazy Days of Summer

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

Even though school is almost over for this year, the work never ends for us kids!

That’s right, it’s summer job time again, which means me and my friends have to sweat bullets to come up with a fresh list of reasons for why we don’t have summer jobs!

This is good practice because it helps build up a life skill – deflecting unwanted questions.  And that’s tougher now than it was in the olden times, like two years ago. Back then all you had to say was “tough economy” and everybody was like, “Well, yeah!”. But now you say “tough economy” and they say “I heard it was getting better”.

And maybe it is, but not for teenagers!

People always think we can go get work in some fast food place, like there are suddenly thousands of open jobs as soon as school lets out because teenagers are hanging around all day to eat more and more fast food in the summer. But we don’t eat more fast food because we don’t have any money because we don’t have jobs. And if the fast food joints hired us so we could have money, then we could buy the food but we wouldn’t because we can already eat the spillage and wrong orders and leftovers behind the counter during our shifts!

Economics sure gets complicated!

The only other people who would have more time to go to a burger joint between June and September are the teachers, but when they place an order with a kid behind the counter who is also one of their students, the teachers kinda expect to get their fries upsized for free. And the kids do it because who knows if that teacher is the one who will hold your whole future in her hand when she decides whether you got a “B” or a “C” on that essay?

That takes a real mental toll, trying to decide if it’s ethical to bribe a teacher with french fries. It’s almost as taxing as writing and rehearsing that no-job excuse.

Speaking of which, here are some of the best ones I’ve heard so far:

  • I’m going to summer school to (catch up on / get ahead of) my regular classroom work.
  • I’m doing super-honorable extracurricular volunteer stuff to pad my college application and make me seem like I’m a much better person than I am.
  • I’ve taken an unpaid internship so I can get experience being overworked and under appreciated.

People tell me that last one will really prepare me for life in the adult world, but they’re all good excuses. One bad thing, though. They all require extra explaining because adults will pepper you with questions like: Where are you going to summer school? What are you studying? Where do you volunteer? What colleges are you going to apply for? Where is the internship? How awful is that boss? Etc, etc, etc.

More work for us, because making up things is hard, especially when the stories have to be believable.

So whenever you see a report that says American teens don’t want to work, you should ask us what we’re doing with our time this summer. You’ll see us working pretty darn hard to deflect that question!

Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby that I agree – using your brain to be coy can be great practice for life in the real world. Unfortunately, the only field I know of where you can get paid specifically to deflect questions is politics.

How do you answer the uncomfortable question?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

Almost 20 years ago I had a prolonged fling with a powerful married man. I was silly and he was foolish and it got into the press (because he was kind of important) and it almost cost him his job. But he survived the scandal and is still taken seriously today.

I, however, was mocked and scorned and I lost all the jobs that I might have had – ever. The only real employment I could get from that moment on was in the global punchline industry. As the unpaid butt of a billion jokes, I heard my name mentioned everywhere as I saw my once-promising future become bimbo-ized. So rather than hide and weep I went on TV to talk about it with Barbara Walters and sat for interviews so someone could write a book on the whole incident from my point of view.

Then I tried to make handbags for a living and when that didn’t work out, I hosted a reality show but people were only interested in the much more dramatic reality show I had lived through. So I didn’t say much for a long time, hoping it would all blow over. But now I’m back and guess what? Nothing has changed! People are acting like I’ve never talked about it at all and that I’ve been in hiding all this time, even though I’ve been desperately trying to get attention for something (anything!) else.

In spite of it all, I’m still ‘that girl’ even though I’m 40 years old!

I can see clearly now how things will go unless I’m somehow able to re-write the end of my story. But how can I do that? Should I change my name? Should I do a total makeover and move to Madagascar? But disappearing won’t do anything to salvage my name, and of course politics is completely out of the question.

Please, Dr. Babooner, point me in a direction that will head me out of this eternal dead-end!

Sincerely,
Saucy Beret

I told Saucy Beret she is completely out of luck if she hopes to write this “shameful episode” out of her someday obituary, because as a somewhat famous person her obituary is already partly written and it’s in there for keeps! Her only hope is to minimize the dalliance with an outsized, separate accomplishment of some significant sort. I recommend finding a cure for cancer, which would not only give her something to talk about besides her youthful indiscretions, it would also tangentially benefit a few other people she’s never even met!

Short of that, her only option is to grin and bear it.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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A Brief Pressing

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

I thought it was pretty cool the other day when that kid from New York who got accepted into all eight Ivy League colleges held a press conference at his school to announce that he had chosen Yale.

That’s a pretty awesome decision.

I don’t mean the decision about going to Yale. Ho hum to that. I mean deciding to have a PRESS CONFERENCE at your SCHOOL!  And one that real reporters would actually come to!

Amazing!

It got us talking in 5th hour Life Skills about what it takes to get attention from journalists and how each of us would handle the pressure if we knew we had to face the press.

Mr. Boozenporn said the key is to know your message and state it clearly. And take only a few questions – the minimum needed to give the impression that you care about what the press wants to know, which of course you DON’T.

You want to make them think you’re being open, you hope they swallow your bull, and then you go home.

Then he assigned us to write a two sentence opening statement for a press conference that could be about anything we want – world issues, personal statements, the weather, etc. And to make it as much like the real thing as possible, we had to get up and read our statement while a guy from the A/V department set off strobe lights and then our classmates got to shout angry questions at us for one minute.  

It was pretty cool.

Here are some of the statements kids came up with.

“I called you all here to confess that the rumors are true. I have been rejected by all eight Ivy League schools and have decided to attend Hamburger U. in the fall.”

“After an in-depth review of electronic records, I have decided I am going to un-friend Derek for the fifth, and final, time. If he tells you we are still ‘friends’, you will know he is a liar, which is something I have known all along but I have only recently decided to believe 24/7, rather than only every once in a while.”

“I have called the world’s press together to announce that I, too, have decided to put a ring in my nose, because piercing is our generation’s way of expression our unique individuality. And besides, everyone’s doing it.”

I’m surprised at how nervous I got when it came time for me to make my statement. But I swallowed hard, got up there, looked into the lights and said this:

“I called this press conference today to publicly challenge Alicia Erickson to a date, at a time and place yet to be determined, and under the rules of the Geneva Convention. I will name a delegation to negotiate the details with her representatives during tomorrow’s second hour study hall, where I have spent the last eight months staring at the back of her head, wishing she would turn around and speak to me.”

Well you can imagine that I got a lot of questions after that about what makes me think somebody as cool as Alicia would go out with me (nothing) and what do the Geneva Conventions have to do with dating (lots), but I said as little as possible and then sat down.

When Alicia got up and gave her press statement ten minutes later it was about pesticides, so I was happy she didn’t include anything about my date challenge in that. But she did look at me a couple of times and she might have smiled once, so I’m feeling pretty hopeful about it.

Your Pal,
Bubby

What is your two-line opening statement?

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Bad Advice

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I was giving my girlfriend some advice the other day about who she shouldn’t be seen with, based on a companion-complexion social yardstick I came up with for no particular reason. It was just a bit of harmless counseling delivered by an elderly fellow to a younger person.

That’s what we 80 year old tycoons do with our 30-something girlfriends. We tell them how to live, because that’s what attracts them to us – our wisdom.

So I simply told her to think about how things look to other people, and I only did it because I’m so sensitive to appearances. Yes, I fancy myself kind of a public relations expert!

What I should have told her was “Don’t record this!”

Now the tape of my comments has been shared far and wide and people are saying I’m scum. And newspapers and websites are publishing unflattering photos of me, especially that one with my hands folded over my belly.

I admit that I’m surprised. I thought I was still hot! Really!

And I guess that’s just another one of the bizarre thoughts rolling around in my head that is apparently not true!

So now people I’ve known for years have banished me.

I’m an outcast and they won’t return my calls! Which is kind of an ironic result to come out of my who-to-be-seen-with advice.

Dr. Babooner, it feels like my brain is stuffed with ideas that just get me into trouble when I let them out. Plus, I now have no friends, no business associates, and no girlfriend to live within the inexplicable boundaries I feel compelled to enforce!

How can I make everything right?

Dizzily,
Done Don

I told Triple D that it is simply not possible to make “everything” right. Making “anything” right might be a stretch at this point. But offering sincere apologies and examining your attitudes is a good place to start.

And going forward, it is better not to worry about who other people associate with, unless you are a parent and the person in question is your son or daughter. And if the person in question is young enough to be your granddaughter, but isn’t, don’t let that confuse you. Truly, it’s none of your concern.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?