Well, school is about to begin again and I’m going to be a sophomore for, like, the 30th time!

Some people tell me I should move on, but when I ask them what part of their life they remember best, it usually turns out to be those crazy high school years. A lot of folks say they wish they could do it all over again, but everybody knows you can’t go back.

So I’m trying to find out if you can just refuse to leave.

Sometimes people ask if I’m bothered to be so much older than my classmates, and the answer is “No!” The other kids treat me like I’m Yoda, which is great! Every now and then I’ll pull someone aside and say something like “Very powerful with this one the Force is.” They eat that stuff up. In fact, there’s gaggle of freshmen following me around right now. They’re hoping I’ll teach them to levitate, but when stuff like that comes up I try to stay enigmatic. You’ve got to keep people guessing.

Especially when you don’t really know how to levitate. But I can throw around a five dollar word like “enigmatic.” That comes in handy. People are really easy to impress these days.

One thing that I’m sure works in my favor is standardized testing. Now that the scores the school puts up are such a big dang deal, the principal is kind of grateful to have someone around who knows the exams backwards and forwards. I’m really, really good at filling in those multiple-choice ovals, and I make sure everybody stays serious at test time!

You’re probably wondering how somebody who is so good at test-taking still manages to be kept back year after year. Here’s the deal – I take lots of days off. About two months all told, every year. A lot of times I only put in a three day week. I can get away with it pretty easy. It’s not my fault the administration cut Truancy Officers so they’d have enough money to serve fresh vegetables at lunch.

Me being a high school sophomore pretty much forever is kind of like the Jeff Bezos-funded 10,000 Year Clock, which is being built right now inside a mountain in Texas. People laugh about it but I think the idea is super cool! These clockmakers really take the long view. I heard from somebody that the movement is so slow, it ticks one year and tocks the next. And it gets its energy from temperature changes and the in-and-out movement of visitors who come to hear its chimes.

That’s just like me – I’m super relaxed and I never get upset, but every now and then I’ll put on a bit of a show just to remind people I’m still here. For the most part, people think I’m charming. Another 30 years and the girls will start to think I’m cute again. One thing for sure – I’ll be at Wilkie a long, long time. Probably not 10,000 years, but who knows? They say “time flies when you’re having fun,” but I’m having a blast, and time is going very, very slowly.

I had some big plans to spend the day with an important out-of-town visitor a few weeks from now. It’s not romantic – we are in the same line of work (country-running) and I think of him as someone who understands the unique challenges of the business. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so let’s call him “Barack Obama”. I wouldn’t say I have much to learn from him or that we’re equals, exactly. I just want to hang out with someone who “gets it”, if you know what I mean. While we are both powerful in our own way, one of us is going to keep his job a lot longer than the other (hint: it’s not him).

Anyway, we traded messages and I thought the meeting was set. Then out of the blue I get a call saying “Barack Obama” is canceling because we don’t have much to talk about! While I agree we aren’t the closest of friends, I’m shocked and hurt to be treated this way. After all, I’m pretty important. People who cross me have a habit of winding up dead. I’m not admitting anything, I’m just saying that nobody cancels a meeting with me! It’s a new, and not very pleasant, sensation. Now that I’ve been embarrassed by this sudden change, I feel like we really DO have a lot to talk about.

There are several reasons this happened. Mostly, he’s upset because I’m friendly towards two people he’s angry with.

Isn’t that a little childish?

One of the guys “Barack Obama” is ticked at let some secrets slip about some snooping and other clandestine things that aren’t too flattering. That’s unfortunate, but no one is arguing that the charges are lies, so I don’t see where “Barack Obama” has the standing to be angry. I tend to think honesty is the best policy. For other people, anyway.

The second guy is also a presidential-type country-runner who got himself into a bad situation and is dealing with it by being violent and merciless on the upper end of the evil-villian scale of bloodthirsty retribution. Again, I don’t condone this sort of behavior unless I wind up having to do it myself, which I could totally see happening someday.

I’m not saying that these are the best guys in the world. In fact, one of them might be the worst. But is it ever right to punish someone for their friendly and open-minded attitude towards other people?

My summer has been really awful because I still don’t have a real job and all the rain we had in the spring led to a huge crop of mosquitoes AND weeds, and since I’m not doing anything during the day anyway my mom told me I have to go clean out the garden while she’s at work.

Bummer. I’m getting chewed to bits!

I complained to my dad but he said I should take the energy I put into whining and use it to do something productive, even if I don’t get paid for it. When I said “Like What?” he surprised me by saying “Like starting a blog!”

I didn’t even know he knew what a blog was! But since he said I should do it I’m starting to think maybe he’s got a point. I mean, how hard could it be? All you do is sit down and write down the thoughts that come into your head, right? I mean, it doesn’t have to be good or planned out in any way – it’s just a blog. But if you’re an undiscovered genius (like me) then maybe a gazillion people will start to read it and comment on it, and then you’ll become a superstar and a millionaire and you’ve got it made because as a blogger you don’t have to learn anything at all, ever! You just have to spend a little time in front of a screen every day being you … which is really the only thing I’m good at, anyway.

So the more I thought about it, the more excited I got about my own blog. In fact, I got so excited I actually went to look at YOUR blog, and wow, was I surprised!

Even though it takes no effort at all to write a blog, you’ve set it up so you do less than nothing! And Mr. Boozenporn said that less than nothing is an impossible value that one day he subbed for Ms. Pye in math class. He stuck to that story until Destiny Carmichael pointed out that there are negative numbers, which is something he forgot about.

Anyway, it’s so cool that you have other people writing it for you! And based on what I picked up from reading what Anna, Jim, tim, Renee, Jacque, Steve, Joanne, Sherrilee, Barbara, Edith and Donna were saying, you didn’t pay them a thing. Which is really too bad, because they’re good writers!

How do you get away with that? Isn’t it illegal? And isn’t it wrong to have your name up there on the masthead saying “… by Dale Connelly” when it really isn’t by you at all and you don’t even tell people who the real author is until the very first line after they open the post and look at it? I’d be kind of ashamed, and you know I’m hard to embarrass! I’m thinking that makes you kind of lazy, and unethical, which is really exciting because that’s just what my dad called me when I got caught cheating on homework last year, which just proves that blogging is perfect for me! I can’t wait to get started!

Just one question. Is there a limit on the number of exclamation points you get to use? I hope not!