Category Archives: Uncategorized

Politics and Parking

Now that the Minnesota State Fair is nearing its end (already!), the lawns of Falcon Heights are feeling the effects. Terribly hot, extremely dry weather will do that to a patch of grass. So will a steady stream of traffic rolling over what used to be a lush, green expanse.

The Minnesota State Capitol, seen across the lawn

Even as I use the “lush” “green” and “expanse”, I know they are misplaced. Nobody within 2 miles of the fairgrounds cares a whit what their front yard looks like. All that matters is how many F-250 pickups will fit between the hedge and the trees.

And so it will go for the Minnesota State Capitol’s lawn for the next few years, as it becomes a State Fair of sorts for construction crews doing renovation work on Cass Gilbert’s beautiful but needy building..

This is dangerous. Politics is blood sport, they say. But parking issues can turn minor conflicts thermo-nuclear. I saw a guy get fired once because he wouldn’t move his car out of a reserved spot.

The plan at the State Capitol is to put asphalt over the grass for the next four years while renovation work is underway. I’ve seen old pictures of the statehouse from a time when it was surrounded by less-than-adequate housing. The park-like surroundings of today are more pleasant-looking, but every piece of land deserves the chance to serve, at least one time, as a prime example of the best and highest use of real estate – a parking lot.

Work on the building will be extensive and the disruption significant as the capitol is shored up, spruced up and totally filled up with construction workers and their equipment. But the real test will come in 2017, when the work is done and the lawn is restdored – and all those powerful people will be told they are going to lose their convenient front-of-building parking.

Think what might happen when all that dust meets all that paper and political ambition!

When has a parking problem made you angry?

Packing Light

I saw a camper for sale by the side of the road yesterday and thought for a moment about what it might mean to own such a thing. That’s about as far as I can go into the wilderness – the few moments spent wondering about something I would take with me if I ever went there.

As we have already discussed on Trail Baboon, I’m not a survivalist. I do love unspoiled places – so much so I stay out of them so they can remain unspoilt.

Vintage_Campers

The camper in question wasn’t huge. You could take it into the deep woods and perhaps maintain a level of comfort at mealtime and bedtime. The rest would be a truly natural experience, I suppose, except for the necessary gas and electric hookups. And the grocery bags full of food. Although I’d like to be self sufficient enough to feed myself from the land, I have not yet learned how to bag a wild potato chip.

This love of creature comforts is something I have always attributed to my Western upbringing, so I was relieved to read Paul Salopek’s latest post from his seven-year-long project to walk from the Rift Valley in East Africa to the southernmost tip of South America. He writes about his guide and companion, an endearing, frustrating man who packs heavy.

I get the romance and allure of built into the idea that you can toss a toothbrush and a change of clothes in a sack, sling it over your shoulder, and head out to feel absolutely at home anywhere in the world. I admire people who pack light, and for a time I thought I was one of them until I realized that I was really expecting my wife to be prepared so I didn’t have to be. Uncomfortable fact: If she stopped sharing her nail clippers and Tylenol, I wouldn’t be able to leave town.

What are the must-haves when pack for a journey?

The Sad/Happy See-Saw

Today’s post comes from Idea Man, Marketing Genius and Convener of The Meeting That Never Ends, Spin Williams.

See-saw

Wow, I couldn’t believe it the other day when I read that Facebook makes its users sad! A study reveals that people are so annoyed by friends who are traveling, going to nice restaurants, surfing, skydiving, adopting a puppy, and living life with joyous ferocity that they begin to feel, well … ordinary.

‘Why can’t MY life be so fabulous?’, the Facebook Frowners ask, just before they sink into an irredeemable trough of self-loathing. And of course their lives are a disappointment because they spend far too much time watching and worrying about what OTHER people are doing on Facebook!

We brought this up at The Meeting That Never Ends because it puts hundreds of millions of people on an emotional see-saw, and there has to be a way to make some money off that.

The question:
Which came first, the Facebook or the Sad?

The answer:
Where do you get off asking such a dumb question? It doesn’t matter. Why aren’t you out dancing every night like your attractive, energetic friends Bob and Carol?

Did you know this? Only some Facebook users were bummed by the interesting activities of their friends. However, ALL Facebook users were made sad by the news that Facebook makes you sad! Why? Because now they’re lumped together with a bunch of envious losers.

AND the Facebook = Sad equation makes non-Facebook users downright giddy when they find out about it. Presumably NOT through Facebook.

But before you begin to gloat, take note – most of the non-Facebook users spent what would have been their Facebook time watching TV, which also promotes impossible comparisons with beautiful people. TV can make you feel sad AND stupid.

Here’s the kicker – not only are most of these additional statistical details remarkable, they are also totally made up and were never in the study to begin with. Does that make you feel like a chump? It should – because that’s what you are if ykou believe anything you read on the Internet!

Now don’t you feel a little down?

The difference between Facebook sadness and TV sadness is that the impossibly beautiful people on TV are folks you don’t know and can NEVER know. Of course they’re smiling – they got on TV. The people on Facebook are your friends. They’re a lot like you. So it stands to reason their happiness would make you furious.

Which brings me to this great new personal service idea – Facebook Fact Checking! What if you could hire someone to uncover the dark side behind all those smug faces you see? Wouldn’t it make you feel better to know that trip to Paris they gushed over by posting all those gauzy photos was actually a rainy, bitter nightmare that left them barely speaking to each other? They didn’t say any of that in the captions to those pictures at the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower. Why would they? It took FikkiLeaks to find out!

Of course, hiring one of these Personal Information Gathering Surrogates (P.I.G.S.) might feel like arranging with a private investigator to spy on your friends. But it seems so tawdry when you put it that way. And sad.

Don’t be sad. Let’s turn the page!

Your pal,
Spin

What makes you sad? What gets you out of it?

Goldfish Bowl on Head

Italian astronaut Luca Parmitano has written a blog post about the experience of having his helmet begin to fill up with water during a space walk. I think it’s fair to say this is a sensation most people will never know – the feeling that you are floating 240 miles above the Earth’s surface, moving at 17,000 miles per hour, and drowning.

It’s definitely not one anyone’s top ten list of things to worry about – or at least it wasn’t. Though I have this vague recollection that I’ve seen a cartoon where an astronaut’s helmet (Bugs Bunny?) fills with water and he watches goldfish swim in front of his eyes. Could that have happened?  Probably.

goldfish-bowl-head

At any rate, it’s not hard in the year 2013 to find an image of someone with their head inside a goldfish bowl. Thanks, Internet!

In his account, Parmitano describes reluctantly informing mission control that something wasn’t right, suspecting (correctly) the ground controllers would respond by deciding to end the space walk early. He is told to head directly back to the airlock while his partner, Chris Cassidy, attends to some other details before joining him. At this point water is floating inside Parmitano’s helmet.

“… the Sun sets, and my ability to see – already compromised by the water – completely vanishes, making my eyes useless; but worse than that, the water covers my nose – a really awful sensation that I make worse by my vain attempts to move the water by shaking my head. By now, the upper part of the helmet is full of water and I can’t even be sure that the next time I breathe I will fill my lungs with air and not liquid.”

Parmitano has to wait for Cassidy to return to the airlock so pressurization can begin, and then he has to wait a few minutes more for the process to complete before he can remove his helmet. All the while the amount of moisture increases and he is losing communication with those outside his space suit.

“The water is now inside my ears and I’m completely cut off.”

I’m not sure how a person could manage to stay calm in such a situation, though one possible technique would be to sing a song.  Any popular song would do as a distraction, but the disc jockey in me wonders which song would be most appropriate for waiting to see if one will survive an outer-space helmet flood.

Here’s one possibility:

What song calms your nerves?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

My boyfriend says he absolutely loves the Minnesota State Fair and if I care for him I’ll go and enjoy being there all day every day for 12 days straight like he does, every single year.

I think that’s asking a lot, even of me.

We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

And I am solidly in the Fair Fanatic demographic. I am the only person I know who actually enjoys eating cotton candy. I look forward to riding the Space Needle, and I have no trouble finding thoughtful things to say while taking a very, very close look at the eyelashes of a pig. I have a high level of tolerance for mundane things even though I do sometimes think while watching another endless hour of butter head sculpting that the unbridled passion for new frontiers and unique experiences that was the hallmark of my youth is now very much a thing of my past.

But do I complain or balk? I do not. I go to The Fair because it pleases him, and when he’s happy, I’m happy.

This year, however, I’m thinking of cutting back a little, like maybe going every other day. Or maybe just once – on Wednesday. Did you realize that The Fair has only one Wednesday? I think that makes it a rather special time. But I’m afraid when I suggest it to my boyfriend he’ll think it just means I don’t love him anymore. That’s not true, of course. But if I’m forced to go to the stinking fair with him every damn day again this year, it might become true.

Sorry, I slipped a little right there. What I mean to say is that I’ve come to the conclusion that having everything in excess is not very satisfying, and I’m starting to cherish the small, rare, quiet moments.

I don’t think there’s anything about The Fair that’s small or quiet. I suppose the beef is rare, but that’s because it’s still on the hoof.

Dr. Babooner, am I asking for trouble by trying to back out of my boyfriend’s tradition of Total Fair Immersion, or might this strengthen our relationship?

Sincerely,
Already Had Enough Mini-Donuts And Pronto Pups

I told A.H.E.M.D.A.P.P. that a person should never feel pressured to do something distasteful for love. Being honest with your boyfriend is always the best policy, and if he genuinely cares for you, he’ll understand. But if he’s on the fence about you, the fair is the best possible place to meet someone else who unequivocally shares his total fascination with this annual event. Eleven days there alone is more than enough time. In fact, you may not even need to go on Wednesday. Wednesday is the sixth day of the fair – and the midpoint. The most intense animal barn smells will just kicking in by then, but your relationship could already be history.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Millionaire Surplus Chases Story Shortage

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida, home of the Sherpa S.U.V. – the world’s most massive car.

Hello buyers!

Today is a great day to add a Sherpa to your collection of things that took a bundle of money to own.  I say that knowing  we have just been through a few years  when spending was something that even people with too much cash simply did not do.

But there was great news coming out of California last week – someone spent 27.5 million dollars on a car! And I don’t mean a car company – I mean one single, individual car.

You have no idea how this cheered up people in my business who have spent countless hours haggling with stubborn cheapskates who balk at forking over an extra $300 for the paint treatment. Finally, a great feel-good story about gaudy excess. It’s about time!

The car in question, a Ferrari NART Spyder, is special, there’s no doubt. In fact, the auction house produced this beautiful, lump-in-the-throat video about it.

What a great story – a fondly remembered father’s well-loved prize benefiting charity and helping to soothe the pain of loss. This tugs on the heartstrings of exactly the type of millionaire who buys a collectible automobile. I wish I had something as sentimental to give the Sherpa buying public, but our commercials only show the Sherpa plowing through muddy fields and crushing things. Of course it can look as fetching in the misty early-morning light as a pricey, rare Ferrari, but being a plus-plus-plus-size automobile, the Sherpa has to conform to the limited expectations of a public that is not ready to accept that a package brimming with raw power can also be alluring  in a skimpy, sexy negligee.

But another thing that does wonders to sell a 27.5 million dollar car is the paralyzing fear that some other rich cat will swoop in and buy it before you can. And there was one quote in the story that spoke to this – from McKeel Hagerty, CEO of a company that insures collectible cars.

“The supply of millionaires is exceeding the number of available great cars. An awful lot of collectors are now clamoring for event-eligible models, and they’ve become a permissible splurge. The values are climbing.”

This is music to my ears – the very idea of too many millionaires chasing too few desirable cars spells opportunity for Intimida and the Sherpa, especially when there are signs that car lust in general is on the decline. All a great car really needs to break into the uber-million dollar category at auction is a great story, and while I’m sure potential buyers would like those stories to be true, it can account for a lot if they are, at the very least, good.

Some of the story lines I’m thinking about attaching to specific cars for future sales –

  • The Sherpa that drove Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay to the top of Everest
  • The Sherpa the Von Trapp family took over the Matterhorn in The Sound of Music
  • The Sherpa that made the wheel-well slush chunk that grew into the Titanic iceberg
  • The Sherpa where Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address

There’s more to come as the automotive business transitions from being about transportation to being about nostalgia. But there’s still time left to buy a Sherpa of your own, so you can start making memories that will mean millions to your descendants, down the road. 

No pressure, honest.  Just think about it!

Your faithful car peddler,
Wally

What value-boosting story could you tell about your car?

The Mean Girl Strategy

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly addresses some "cool" people.
Beechly addresses some “cool” people.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m enjoying my summer break at home in the 9th district by spending endless hours fishing, swimming, floating around on inner tubes, and thinking about clearing out weeds along the shoreline. I probably won’t do any aquatic plant management though, becuase I always wind up taking a nap once I start to read about it.

One thing I’ve learned about lawmaking is that it gets very, very dreary once you start to read and study the regulations you’re considering. Working out a compromise with other people can get even more complicated! Thinking is hard!

It’s much more fun to just react emotionally to random things you’ve heard. That’s why I’m so excited about this new development in the 2016 Presidential contest, courtesy of Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Party.

He has issued a challenge – if NBC and CNN choose to air some planned and assumed-to-be-complimentary docu-dramas about expected Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, Republicans will refuse to cooperate with them on the broadcast of 2016 presidential debates.

This is smart because in the last election cycle, Presidential Debates were showing signs of getting to be too popular. If you’re like me, you don’t want to get drawn into something that a lot of people look at where you don’t control every detail.

I’m not a Republican (or Democrat), but I want to congratulate Reince on finally getting us to the place where we all want to be – from a capital where people work hard on details and pay lip service to compromise and bi-partisanship, to a Congress where there’s no need to pretend – all the animosity is out in the open and the Mean Girl Strategy can be freely applied.

You may remember the Mean Girl Strategy from Junior High – “Be friends with Hilary if you want, but if we catch you hanging out with her, it’s over between us forever!”

Some people may call this childish and petty, but those people are losers and should be shunned!

This gives us a nice, easy short-cut to our difficult decision making. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how incredibly difficult it is to represent you in the Halls of Congress, but let me be blunt – your flip-floppiness on major issues leaves me wondering, sometimes, what I should do. For example, on the recent events in Egypt I’ve heard from you that we should:

  • Cut off all aid to Egypt’s military
  • Increase aid to Egypt’s military
  • Invade
  • Bomb the pyramids
  • Fund more Walleye farms on the Nile.

Too many options! What am I supposed to do?

When it comes to complicated issues like this, it’s much easier to figure out who we all hate so we can listen to their pronouncements and just be against whatever they say, regardless of the reasoning.

Soon I’ll be going back to Our Nation’s Capital to do the Work You Elected Me To Do – pointing my finger and stomping my foot!  Yes, it’s a difficult assignment, but not nearly as hard as it could be!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

When the work gets complicated, what’s your favorite short cut?

Menu Planning

Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

Bart Blackberry2

Yo, Bart here.

So I’m seeing a lot of articles about this group of humans who let themselves be locked in a crate out on the barren slopes of a mountain in Hawaii for three months – all to see if they could make interesting meals out of nothing but the kind of ingredients that could be shipped to Mars. You know, freeze dried beef, rice, lentils, dried fruit and Spam.

It’s called HI-SEAS,for Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation.

The project just finished up and you can read all about the different things they did, including exploring around the site wearing “spacesuits” and alternating their meal schedule between pre-packaged dinners and feasts they invented or put together using suggestions from online visitors. I guess one of the best recipes they got came from a professional chef who told them how to make Moroccan Beef Tangine.

That one really hit home for me. We bears are pretty much all about making the best possible balanced meal out of the stuff we can find around the edges of an ordinary campground. Here’s my recipe for Scavenger Salad:

Ingredients:

  • Twinkies
  • Doritos
  • Half eaten Buffalo Wings
  • Gummi Bears
  • Marshmallows
  • Graham Crackers
  • Juice Boxes
  • Ketchup and Mustard Packets

Directions:

  1. Throw everything in a pile.
  2. Eat.

It’s kind of cool to look at the ingredients list they had to work with at HI-SEAS.  It’s a better selection than we bears usually get.   Seeing this, I’m pretty sure I know what I would have done if they’d picked me to be on the crew.

  1. Eat all the cashews.
  2. Eat all the beef, sausage, pepperoni and Spam.
  3. Eat all the peanut butter and nutella.
  4. Eat all the molasses and brown sugar.
  5. Rest.
  6. Eat everything else.

Surviving on Mars wouldn’t be so hard!

Your pal,
Bart

What meal do you make when you don’t have the makings for any of your favorite meals?

Tube Boobs

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, civilians! But stay vigilant. Sound the alarm whenever radical new ideas expose you to risk! Even theoretical risk, which could lead directly to imaginary dismemberment or even hypothesized death.

Yes, I’m thinking of industrialist/inventor Elon Musk’s intriguing, controversial Hyperloop. Musk has imagined an enclosed travel-tube stretching from Los Angeles to San Francisco. He pictures us climbing into vehicles that shoot through the tube on cushions of air, propelled by a magnetic pulse to speeds of up to 800 miles per hour.

tube_room

If you’re thinking of one of those pneumatic devices that carries cash, checks and dog treats from the parking lot to the teller and back to your car in branch banking, Elon Musk will call you a moron and take his billions elsewhere in head-shaking disgust. But that’s what I’m picturing anyway, and it does not comfort me. Even if everything is OK on the journey from point A to point B, what about the people who handle the tube when it arrives at its destination? During the heyday of pneumatic office communication, the weak link always happened in the basement where all the tubes ended and various boobs and imbeciles fumbled to open the capsules and spilled the precious contents onto a dank cement floor. Or at least that’s how I picture it.

Receiving Musk’s scorn now is a small price to pay compared to what it would feel like to climb into one of his tubes and realize, too late, that you’ve been had. But then climbing into a tube of any kind is alarming. I had a bad experience once with a water park tube slide that had to do with someone else’s bodily functions and not enough space between travelers. And I’m sure I don’t have to point out to you that once you knock off the wings and the tail, an airplane is tube-shaped. Risk minimizers will tell you that a large, commercial airplane is incredibly safe, but look how easily I knocked off the wings and the tail! It didn’t even take an entire sentence.

I like having escape options, so I would want Musk’s speeding travel pods and the tubes they rocket through to have frequently spaced egress hatches in case I have to climb out for a breath of fresh air, or to escape flames, or to run away from snakes. But at the same time, I would worry while pfooshing down the California coast line that some low-level workman had left a hatch ajar. That can’t end well!

As a professional public-safety scold, it’s my job to seriously consider every worst-case scenario. So I worry about the pull of gravity every time I lift one of my feet off the ground! After all, think of the possibilities! Most of them aren’t pretty.

People say Elon Musk is our most imaginative business leader and technological visionary. But when I dwell on all the ways you could be mangled in his Hyperloop and then hear him say the thing is perfectly safe, it’s obvious that he’s just not imaginative enough!

Yours in Safety,
B.S.O.R.


What could go wrong?

A Little Light Opera

When I decided to change the 20 year old lights hanging outside the house, I figured it would be a simple matter of unscrewing some things and twisting a few wires together.

After turning off the electricity, of course. Then – instant makeover!

The good news is – I was successful in turning off the electricity. The rest of it was an overly optimistic dream. I’ll spare you the gruesome details except to say when bolt holes and bolts don’t line up, one particularly useless strategy is to keep looking at the same pieces arranged in the very same configuration while hoping they’ll somehow change their shape between one glance and the next.

My half-hour project took 6 hours to complete thanks to my insistence that magic was the real answer.

In reality, success required the random discovery of a couple of spare connectors in a basement jar, my clever wife’s suggestion that I rotate one backing plate a quarter turn, and a frustration-fueled last-minute improvisation ignited, in part, by the certain belief that I was 20 minutes away from being devoured by late evening mosquitos.

Now the new lights are up and shining so harshly that squirrels scurrying over the driveway are cast in sharp relief against the house across the street. Our entire front yard is illuminated with that special compact fluorescent intensity that says “Go Away!” And because I’m intimately familiar with how these appliances are connected to the wall, I’m waiting for the first mild gust of wind to put them in the bushes.

In short, exactly the effect I was going for. Make-over complete!

Describe a recent project that took longer than you expected.