Todays post comes from Trail Baboon’s living and loving correspondent, a man who is a bottomless well of wellness, B. Marty Barry.

I was scandalized … SCANDALIZED! … to read this NY Times article about the for-pay book review business. It turns out there are people who will say nice things about books in online reviews without really reading those books!

They do this as part of a financial arrangement to “legitimize” the writer in the eyes of potential readers. This is one of the few places left in the world where journalists can make a little money – inventing the kind of promotional blurbs they used to disdain! Oh how far we have fallen!

Normally I’m all in favor of praise, but I think this is a very dangerous trend for everyone who might venture into the unregulated internet looking for a little validation. And we are all seeking some of that – the sweet nectar of positive comments! As one of the “experts” in the Times article said, “Nearly all human beings have unrealistically positive self-regard.” But it is fragile and needs constant support.

Before long, it won’t be just book reviews. It will be personal remarks of all kinds that are for sale. Such as:

“Clyde is a perceptive man – a genius and a scholar who is under-appreciated by those who could most benefit from his wisdom – the indifferent mob that cannot see greatness when it is in their midst.”

And …

“Barbara may physically be in Robbinsdale, but her intellect knows no bounds and her influence ought to be valued by the famous and the mighty. There is nothing beyond her understanding, and no problem that would not yield to her commonsense analysis.”

I say these things from the heart, but a person with very little writing talent could invent such compliments in minutes, and you the reader would be none the wiser.

I feel personally and professionally threatened by this. As a therapist, I have to help my clients see themselves clearly by guiding them through a discussion of their good qualities and some of their habits that are, quite frankly, rotten. But why would anyone seeking self-knowledge come to me for the brutal truth when they could just as easily go to a professional flatterer for a comfortable lie?

Of course the truth is much more useful than empty praise in the long run, just as brussel sprouts are better for you than potato chips, but guess which has the most shelf space at your local supermarket? And for that matter, how can I even believe the positive things I hear about brussel sprouts? Maybe someone is building them up for a financial reward.

I’m afraid this all may lead to a global outbreak of Midwesterner’s Syndrome – an infectious condition where the brain cannot accept a compliment, but must always, ALWAYS give credence to the most negative available assessment because it feels true.

Imagine it. Lutheran farmers, everywhere.

I’m not feeling very optimistic at the moment. But please don’t try to cheer me. I want to believe you, though I’m pretty sure I can’t.

Can you give us a few kind words for the dust jacket?

Concern over the possible spread of swine flu and the Minnesota State Fair led to this eye-opener from Deputy State Epidemiologist Richard Danila, quoted by MPR.

“There probably have been 50 million, 80 million visitors at county and state fairs this last few months, with many countless human-pig interactions,” Danila said. “Yet, to date, there have only been 230 human cases of this new virus. And most of those have been mild illness, most of them have been children, and most of them have been in people with prolonged swine contact.”

In all the times I have been to the State Fair and visited the animal barns, I did not once consider that I was in the process of creating a “human-pig interaction”. And engaging in “prolonged swine contact” sounds like a bad idea even when there’s not a virus in the mix. But some people need to be reminded to only engage in appropriate relationships, so here’s a dumb little poem to keep your behavior in line.

The State Fair livestock do not mind
you visiting their digs
But when you go you’ll surely find
you must not kiss the pigs.

Their bristles are so dry and tough.
Their snouts are wet with slop.
But if you kiss the pigs enough
You may not want to stop.

So what is an appropriate kind of human-pig relationship apart from the diner-dinner interaction we’re most accustomed to? A group of game developers at the Utrecht School of the Arts and Wageningen University in the Netherlands have come up with a concept called “Pig Chase”. Apparently in the Netherlands there’s a law that pig farmers have to provide the animals with some entertainment while their in their pens, fattening up. But you can only show them the movie “Babe” so many times before they’re mouthing all the lines along with the actors and rolling their eyes when the farmer says “That’ll do, pig” at the end.

They need something more interactive. Take a look.

The idea is still in development, but this would be a popular attraction at the Minnesota State Fair, don’t you think? And safer for both parties than resorting to the usual pig kissing and pork chops.

Have you ever played a game with an animal?

Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

Greetings Constituents!

I’ve been writing to you quite a lot lately, and I apologize for that because I know many of you see your elected representative as someone who should not be heard from unless you have a need for my services or a face a government related problem that must be solved immediately.

Otherwise, you would rather I go off to Washington DC to argue with the other Representatives and try my best to do as little as possible in the way of creating policies that might interfere with your life.

I get that, and I’m trying to be the kind of servant you want me to be.

At the same time, I know you need instant access to all existing information about me. Every little detail. Even though you don’t like me very much, it’s important that there not be any secrets between us. I’ve been in some personal romantic relationships like that so I’m very familiar with the Personal Evasion / Privacy Invasion bi-polar disorder that increasingly characterizes our constituent / public servant contract. It’s OK. See how cool I am about it? Your feelings about me couldn’t be more conflicted than MY feelings about me.

And really, I’m ready to submit to any kind of scrutiny as long as you agree to keep voting for (loving) me.

Here’s the good news. Thanks to modern technology and the ongoing merger between reality TV and journalism, you don’t have to work very hard to get a chance to go over my tax returns and even see photos of my car in all the different places I’ve driven it. I also hope that I can soon make it a regular practice to keep my cell phone GPS turned on and linked to my Facebook page so people can always see where I am! Why? It’s a great for us to connect, or conversely, an easy method for you to avoid me if you find me appalling. After all, it’s much easier to duck into a shop or a restaurant when a phone app tells you I’m two blocks away than to wait until you see me and then cross to the other side of the street. And it supports small businesses, which of course is an approach I favor.

I hope that by using these convenient tools, you’ll be able to get comfortable with me, feel that you know me, recognize that we are very much alike, and see that I am as ordinary and mundane as you feel on your very worst days!

As your elected representative, I may not always do exactly what you would do in a given situation, but I do pledge to you that I will be as human as you are, if not moreso. Even if that means I have to be petulant and snippy, a little bit vacant, somewhat clueless, occasionally gaffe-prone and always, always emotionally needy.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

I already feel a little uncomfortable with Congressman Beechly’s level of sharing, but I think he is doing this because he doesn’t have a political opponent this year, and thus he is forced to run against himself. That thing about his earlier romantic relationships should make this Fall’s contest against Write In Candidate a barn burner! Rep. Beechly’s support staff always goes on vacation in August, but before they left someone should have told the Congressman not to write constituent newsletters after his bedtime nightcap.

When do you know someone has given you Too Much Information?

Open your eyes slowly and try to sit up.

You had a little too much Lottery Vodka last night. I saw you tipping back one set of numbers after the next, increasingly convinced with each new sequence that a bunch of ping pong balls in an air popper were going to line up in exactly the right order to permanently and profoundly change your life.

I made a half-hearted attempt to get you to slow down, but you were already too far gone into 320 million dollar fantasy land – promising to use your fortune to buy a new clarinet for every impoverished 4th grader in Minneapolis, because “… music is so beautiful, every poor kid deserves a chance to be the next Artie Shaw.”

Nice sentiment. Sorry it didn’t work out the way you imagined.

But then again, Shaw’s life didn’t turn out so happy after all. It might have been a waste of money in any case. It’s hard to spend a fortune wisely, and we never know what strange turn fate will take.

We’ve already seen that big lottery winners are especially adept at financial smash-ups. I only buy one ticket at a time, based on a private theory I have that a single ticket is really just “a license to imagine”.

According to this smug rationale, getting two tickets is proof you don’t know anything about mathematics or probability, and buying three tickets certifies that you didn’t deserve to have six dollars in the first place.

But if I’m so smart, why couldn’t I have simply IMAGINED buying a ticket instead of throwing away two dollars?

That’s the problem with exercising your inventiveness on something like this. I did picture all my numbers coming up during the drawing last night, but when I fantasized about going into the kitchen to retrieve the stub, I also imagined that my dog had inexplicably eaten the ticket.

Dang! I was going to buy a Personalized Whack-A-Mole game for every member of the baboon tribe! With moulded mole heads shaped to look like members of your family!

But put it out of your mind. We should have known our numbers were never going to come up.

What’s your lucky number?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m in politics, and not just a little bit.

I have said some unkind things about politicians over the years, and have pretended that I’m not a political person. But I’m so far into it, I actually ran for President not that long ago. And while I was running, people talked openly about how boring I am. They said this to my face, and I smiled because when you’re running for President one thing you can’t do is lose your cool.

I figured they would apologize to me after I won, but I ran out of money and had to quit.

I have also been widely discussed as a potential choice for Vice President on several occasions during the last 5 years or so. Sometimes I actively sought the job. Other times I had to act disinterested, like the only thing I wanted was for the party to succeed. I played the role of a good and faithful supporter and was complimentary to all the people who were mentioned along with me. But in each case I was eventually passed over for someone younger, or prettier.

All of this hurt my feelings, but I couldn’t protest because I didn’t want to seem selfish or small. And nobody else protested on my behalf, which was too bad because you’d think over the course of a life in politics you’d make some friends who would stand up for you.

Maybe I’m just a dreamer.

Now people are talking openly about what other humiliating political contest I might enter in the future, like it’s a given that I can’t walk away from this ridiculous soul-crushing business and I have to keep trying until I get elected again or selected for something to prove that I have value as a human being!

That’s just not the case, Dr. Babooner. I know I’m a decent person and I don’t need validation from the masses, or from the party faithful, or even from the Presidential nominees who I have faithfully served, only to be repaid with rejection and overwhelming feelings of disappointment that I can’t express.

Dr. Babooner, I feel that I’m at a crossroads. Should I open up and share my pain with the world, guaranteeing that I will remain in the private sector for the rest of my life? Or keep smiling and hope I get a shot at the U.S. Senate in 2014?

Conflictedly,
Passed Over, Obviously Rejected, Tired, Insulted, & Mad

I told P.O.O.R.T.I.M. that one should never be ashamed of reaching for the stars. And political defeat is rarely a reflection of one’s true worth – the negative images that are constructed in the heat of an election battle have little to do with reality. As for the finality of baring one’s soul, remember that a man who later became President rebounded nicely from his own whiney speech about being poor and mistreated – one that invoked his little dog, Checkers. In fact, that breakdown may have humanized him in a way that was necessary for his later victories. So go ahead and speak out about the way you feel! The electorate can surprise you with their forgiveness, or their forgetfulness. I’m not sure which. But whatever you do, never, ever mention yourself in the same sentence with Nixon!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?