Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings Constituents!

I’m in Washington, DC, where I almost never am in the days that separate Christmas from New Years. But I have to be here in case we’re called on to vote on some kind of deal to address the “fiscal cliff“, which is a silly but very effective name for a scary thing that you can’t see.

It is quite entertaining to be here for the hand-wringing and running around, the closed door discussions and the breathless predictions about what will happen if we actually do go flying off our self-made “cliff” into a canyon of despair.

The whole town is charged with a kind of tense excitement – something kind of bad is about to happen. A storm is coming in, and people are stocking up and taking cover.

It’s a blame storm. We’re going to get buried in it, and the only question left is who will be able to dig out and who will be buried?

I feel fortunate because I happen to come from a part of the country that is guilt-rich and I’ve been slogging through stubborn waves of blame since the day I was born and the doctor slapped me. My mother hauled off and punched the doctor, then she kissed me, then I cried, and she slapped me too. I had just put her through quite a lot of trouble, so I understood and forgave her immediately.

But the point is, I know how to dig out when I’m getting deluged by blame. And believe me, there’s lots on the way.

Forecasters say there will be jobs lost, investments ruined, gains rolled back and fortunes diminished. The recent glimmers of economic hope that we’ve seen will be snuffed, and economic despair will make a resurgence. That kind of massive collision of high expectations and low performance always produces a huge blame storm, and the contest now is to find out who is best prepared to weather the onslaught?

Speaking only for myself, I know I didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t blame me because I wasn’t part of the non-negotiations and as a representative of a largely overlooked district with no newspapers or media of any kind, my statements on the issue have gone largely ignored.

Not that I’ve had much to say except “It’s not my fault.”

So I don’t think the Blame Storm is going to be too terribly bad in the 9th district. Famous last words?

At least I’ll be famous!

Your loyal Representative,
Loomis Beechly

Some wishful thinking from the Congressman? I’d like to be able to say I’m never troubled when the blame starts flying, but it only takes a little bit of it to totally bog me down. How about you?

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, Civillians!

But when I say ‘at ease’, I don’t necessarily mean you should relax. We must always stay vigilant about personal safety issues, but especially so at the end of the year when time is running out on the statistic-keeping for 2012.

Don’t get me wrong. It is awful to fall down the stairs, no matter when that happens. But if you fall down the stairs during the last week of the year your calamity won’t have the same effect on the manufacturers of handrails or stair treads that it might have if you took your tumble in, say, January. Stair accessory manufacturers have already closed the books on 2012. They’ve decided if they had a good year or bad in the never-ending battle with gravity. What might be a personal disaster for you would come too late to indicate any kind of a trend in stairway safety, one way or another.

It would be like being the last soldier to get shot in a long war.

So stay safe in these final days of 2012, and I say that with full knowledge that this is a primary time for encountering extreme cold, glare ice and liberal amounts of alcohol – all of them are elements that actively work AGAINST personal safety and security. Cold, Ice and Alcohol. CIA! Spooky.

So be vigilant. Be hesitant to take any unwise risk. If someone suggests that you take the Christmas lights down from the peak of the house before New Year’s Day even though the ground and the roof are covered with ice, just say ‘no’. If the thought occurs to you that you’d like to rinse the thick layer of dust off your kitchen radio while it’s still plugged in, ask yourself if that’s smart. If a smart-aleck suggest that you lick raw cookie dough off the moving parts of your new kitchen stand mixer while it is still running, send that person away. In fact, if you think any specific activity is bound to be risky, it’s never wrong to say “wait ’til next year.”

After all, it’s just a couple of days’ delay! And then you can resolve to be totally injury free in 2013!

Yours in safety,
B.S.O. Rafferty

I think this is a safety statistic fanatic’s take on an important issue. Really, it’s as important to be careful now as it will be in January or June. But whatever reason he uses to give us a stern warning is fine with me, because I know B.S.O.R. has a need to waggle his finger at us and it keeps him healthy to be constantly alarmed at what we might do.

What potentially risky behavior will you foreswear in 2013?

Today’s post comes from Bart the Bear, a hairy beast who found a smart phone in the forest.

Hey!

I’m feeling a little bit logy today, but still there’s work to do. Not a lot of food available, unless somebody tossed a fruitcake out of a passing car. That happens some around this time of year. But the competition never rests. Raccoons, especially, are always looking for stuff to eat. So I’m going to get busy after I send you this text.

Because there are no holidays in the woods.

Just felt like I needed to say that. I’ve been hearing a lot about “the holidays” and a bunch of ads have been showing up on this phone I found, which is kind of funny because I don’t really need anything from Victoria’s Secret. I haven’t seen anything in their catalog that would be right for a bear. Not that I’m into wearing clothes – I’m not. And the Victoria’s Secret people don’t seem to be too enthusiastic about wearing clothes either. They don’t seem too enthusiastic about anything. The models all have these pained looks on their faces. I can only guess that their little clothes are too tight, or they are freezing.

What can I say? It’s great to be able to grow some all-over hair!

So anyway, the ads suddenly stopped and I’m wondering if “the holidays” are over now. That would be great if it was true, because this thing keeps vibrating and chirping with incoming messages and Facebook posts and, of course, the ads. Whoever owned the phone before me never said “no” when they were asked if they want to receive special offers. Some of these phones need more attention than a newborn bear cub. Really annoying!

And yes, I said “these phones,” because I’ve got a bunch of them. I found out that a wild animal like me can get a smart phone whenever he wants one.

Here’s what you do – find some hikers or campers and you do a little crashing around in the brush about 50 yards away. First thing that happens when they notice you is get out their phones. While they’re holding the phones up in front of their faces, that’s when you charge. I run straight at them, growling and snarling and huffing. By the time I get within 25 feet they’ve turned to run. And 9 times out of 10 I find the phone sitting there in the leaves where they were standing – all charged up and ready to go, with a picture of a ferocious bear on the desktop. Nice!

Sometimes the tourists stop running and turn around when they see I’ve picked up their phone and am no longer interested in killing them. But so far, nobody has asked for their property back.

I guess having electronic toys is fun, but there’s still no gadget that’s as cool as being alive! Anyway, have a great after-holiday-time. Don’t rule out hibernation as a New Year’s Resolution!

Your pal,
Bart

What’s the most prized possession you’ve lost?

What a surprise!

I’m just home from work and I notice that yesterday’s blog post is still front and center. And a lovely rant it is from Joanne – well worth two days’ exposure.

I fully intended to put up a different guest post today, but mis-timed the automation and left baboons stranded on this most unsettling day. My sincere apologies to Sherrilee, whose blog was supposed to be published today. I’ll hold it so it can have the greatest possible exposure another day soon.

If nothing else, this is proof positive for my employer that I’m not wasting resources by checking my personal blog on company time.

Tell us about a time you completely missed a deadline.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I confess that it is now less than a week before Christmas and I haven’t done any shopping. At all.

There is some small comfort in the news that millions of people wait until the last minute, but the stress of not having any gifts selected at this point in the swirling holiday maelstrom is eating me alive!

Things are moving too fast and there’s a real chance Christmas Day will arrive and when it comes time to exchange the presents, I will have nothing to give and will appear to be a selfish, thoughtless procrastinator.

But that’s not true! I think a lot!

I’m constantly flipping through the catalogs in my head, trying to match up appropriate items with important individuals. But it’s too late to order gifts online and there’s no guarantee that I’m going to find what I want when I finally get to a store. What if the colors and sizes I need are out of stock? What if the items themselves only exist in my imagination? They say it’s the thought that counts, but I can’t give people any of the frantic, desperate thoughts I’ve been having about Christmas giving – that would be cruel.

I can’t sleep, the colorful decorations seem bland and cheerless, and food has no taste. I worry that people will judge me harshly if my gift seems hastily chosen. And yet at this point, that’s the only kind of gift I can possibly buy.

I’m afraid I am bound to lose at the Game of Christmas.

Should I make a last ditch attempt to pull this one out, or just go to the bank now and ask for a wad of cash?

Ty M. Sup

I told Ty that he had already lost the moment he started to think of Christmas giving as a game. It’s not a game, it’s an obligation – like taking out the trash or paying your taxes. It is best to take this very, very seriously. At this point, the best strategy is to buy generic items from big stores where the items can be returned for something the recipient really wants. It’s almost the same as giving cash, but the fact that you chose something, lame as it is, provides a sufficient facade. The time to start planning for next year is NOW.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?