Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

Hey,

Bart here. Just having an awake moment during my hibernation and thought I’d check to see if anybody texted me. Nobody did! Is it because you know I’ve already settled down for my long winters’ nap, or is it because we’re not really friends anymore?

Just wonderin’. That’s the sort of question that can keep you awake for hours when you know you’re supposed to be sleeping. Lucky I have lots of weeks left before it’s time to get up.

Ever just lie there awake in the middle of the night when it’s super cold out? That’s when it’s great to have a really solid den, which I’ve got this year. It’s in a gully with a fresh fallen tree on the one side and a kind of a hill on the other side, so we’re out of the wind and there’s lots of leaves and stuff. Really nice for hunkerin’ down.

Only thing missing is snow. I mean, LOTS of snow.

Snow is an insulator, but most people just think of it as super cold stuff. It’s not! There’s lots of stuff that’s colder than snow. Tonight, it’s the air and everything it touches.

Anyway, I’ve got that really happy feeling you get when you’ve got all your leaves and pine needles packed around you to make a nice cozy bed and your hair is dry and you’ve had something to eat but the place isn’t a mess it’s just warm and it smells like bears and you know you don’t have to go out!

I’ve got a few more months of torpor ahead of me so I think I’m going to nod off again. But if you’re about to send me a text, don’t stop just ’cause I’ll be sleeping. I have a bunch of these random half-awake times, and I need something to read.

Or ask me a question, even if it’s that one that everybody asks about hibernation and whether or not we have to go to the bathroom and if so how do we do it? But I’ll tell you right now, the answer is awesome, and it won’t make you feel any better about your situation.

Not only is hibernation the huge nap you want but will never have, it’s also more slimming than all the exercise you could possibly do in five months – and I sleep through it all!

I love being a bear!
Bart

How long could you stay in bed, if there was no reason to get out?

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in Minnesota.

Greetings, constituents, and H.I.D.O.! (Happy Inauguration Day (Observed))

I love the ceremony and tradition that surrounds the installation of a President of the United States, even if it’s just a re-swearing-in! This only happens once every four years. That’s why I’ll be there in the crowd, watching today.

I know – you’re thinking – “Hey, you’re a member of Congress – shouldn’t you have a special seat?” And yes, the answer is “I should, and I would if I was willing to schmooze and cozy up to the Powers That Be.” And it would also help if I was an officially recognized member of Congress, but that’s another story. Even some of the recognized members don’t have enough clout to sit up there on the platform. The truth is – I really love being among the people so watching with the thousands gathered on the National Mall is preferable – absolutely the best place to be.

And yes, of course I had to say that. Unlike SOME people, I will have to run for office again!

I know I’m in for A LOT of time spent on my feet. I’ll have to be at the mall several hours before the festivities start, and that’s extra true if I want to be able to see the stage. So while billions of people are viewing the festivities remotely, some in excruciating close-up detail on high definition plasma TV screens, I will be experiencing it as a true community event.

From my place standing near the back of the crowd, the president will seem like a very tiny speck hovering just above the left ear of the person in front of me – a man impossibly far away saying important-sounding things about common goals and shared values – a leader whose inspirational words will echo off the buildings all around me, his voice almost as loud as the grumblings of my empty stomach.

That’s why I intend to pack a meal.

I’ll have to keep it small since the security is going to be tight and anybody carrying a huge sack like the one I usually use for my picnics is bound to be stopped and questioned. Out of respect for those around me, I’ll hold the onions on my sandwich. And I probably shouldn’t bring peanut butter and jelly in case people near me have peanut allergies. I suppose the sandwich shouldn’t be too juicy either – ketchup stains have to be rinsed out right away! And I’m going to skip the kettle chips this time, because the crunching could be a distraction for my famished neighbors.

I guess that’s a true feeling of community for you – all of us packed in together, suffering equally and compromising for the sake of others.

Plus, I’m a public figure, so I have to be careful about everything that happens in and around my mouth. People are always looking for something they can use against you. As a politician, I’m keenly aware I could be accused of being locked in a “Baloney In, Baloney Out” cycle.

Hmmm. It’s starting to sound like I’ll be having two slices of lightly buttered bread – not exactly what I anticipated from a second term. But the real world so seldom measures up to our expectations!

Maybe I’ll just eat an extra-large breakfast.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What’s your favorite sandwich?

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m proud to say that this past week I was sworn in once again as a Member of the House of Representatives, along with all 435 other members.

The fact that they did not actually acknowledge me at the ceremony or list me in any of the official documents does nothing to detract from the awesome responsibility I feel as your Congressman! I know that we are in an uphill battle. I’m sure it comes as no secret to you that there are people who believe the 9th district of Minnesota is entirely made up.

Likewise, there are those who say a single congressional district composed of nothing but water surface area in a state with over 12,000 lakes and at least four major rivers is a logistical and practical impossibility. Such skeptics also claim such a jurisdiction would have virtually no full time residents.

Yes, there are voices who insist that you, I and our district are purely fanciful. This is an outrage! I’m not upset that they say we are imaginary, but I’m incensed that they believe this somehow makes us irrelevant!

And now there are similar critical voices suggesting that former Minneapolis City Council Member and current developer Steve Minn has violated standards of public behavior simply by using people that he made up in his head to attack another developer’s projects!

What are we to make of this? Are Fanciful Americans to be denied a voice, as well as their very existence?

Some of Minn’s accusers smirk at the news that his three Fancifuls (Howard Wilbur, Suzanne Sharp and Louis C. Brown) actually talked with each other through online community message boards. Why is that wrong? Are F.A.’s not permitted to collaborate? Denying the right of assembly is always one of the first acts of a tyrant!

And don’t patronize Fancifuls by lumping us together with noisy minority groups asserting their rights. There is no evidence anywhere to prove The Fanciful are a minority! We could very easily outnumber Tangible Americans – all it would take is an accurate census of the national imagination. I believe if we could correctly count the number of made-up people who reside solely on school playgrounds and in day care facilities on a normal January morning, that number would completely overwhelm the Tangible population.

We have many positive qualities. Fanciful Americans are forthright. The good ones are a great asset to our communities (Superman, Dora the Explorer). When F.A.’s are bad, they are unambiguously evil (Hannibal Lecter, Wicked Witch of the West). We prize clarity!

So don’t marginalize Fancifuls, and if you condone discrimination against us, don’t think you will be immune to the effects. Some of the most reputable Tangibles, upon closer investigation, turn out to be totally made up people (Bernie Madoff, John Edwards, Bo Beckman) who do not even realize how completely fake they are!

I, for one, am proud to be exactly who you think I am! Because without you, I am, literally, nothing.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

Who are your favorite Fanciful Americans?

Here we are, finally, at the end of 2012. Word Press prepared a 2012 annual report for Trail Baboon. There are some interesting statistics, though I haven’t got a clue what they all mean. Click here to see the data.

Going into 2012 we were all feeling some trepidation about what was ahead, particularly with regard to the election. One year ago today, many of the baboons engaged in the artful science of making real and fantasy predictions about the coming year.

Baboons were hesitant to offer guesses about the future in the category we can only call Reality Based Predictions (R.B.P.). Several ventured (correctly) into this territory:

• Obama will win the election, and the bad karma the GOP has been sending out will be returned to them.

Here’s my choice as the winner for the most accurate RBP:

But baboons seemed to be more comfortable making Fantasy Predictions (F.B.P.), such as:

• The economy will turn around completely and become a steaming engine of Green Industry, recycling everything and focusing on creating energy without a carbon load.
• Bubby will finally make it into the junior class (never going to happen).
• Minnesota will not have a single day with a heat index over 90. (nice try)

Though there are elements of reality-based guessing in this one, I’m most impressed by the fantasy landscape. When it comes to the imagined future, we all seem to be much more comfortable (and hopeful) about our personal projections, rather than our national or global prospects.

Of course, I believe Edith is still incarcerated. Still, one has to admire the optimism in this scenario.

When it comes to making predictions for the year ahead, deciding whether we were accurate or misguided is completely beside the point. This annual exercise is a way to express hopes and fears, and in some cases to add a note of personal resolve. No bets are made and no money changes hands.

So let your minds roam – what will happen in 2013?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Should old acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind?

Everybody I’ve talked to lately wants me to answer this question, which I find nonsensical. Since when has anyone been able to decide whether or not they will forget someone else?

My experience has been that your mind either loses track of someone or it doesn’t, and it has very little to do with how much you like them. The nastiest ones can stick with you the longest. With all the others it’s hit and miss.

Years later you might remember a forgotten person if you have a chance encounter on the street or you see their picture in a book or a magazine or a mug shot.

We really don’t have much say in the matter.

But people keep asking this “Old Acquaintance” question, usually with a drink in their hand at some late-night party, when they are getting sloppy and disgusting and the chances are good they won’t even be able to remember their new acquaintances.

Still, I get the sense that they want me to provide an answer, though I honestly have no idea what to say.

Sincerely,
B. Fuddled

I told B. that the question appears rhetorical, which means it does not require a response. In fact, this particular question and the environment in which it is typically asked is more of an invitation to have another drink – an activity which eventually leads (after a marked increase) to the cessation of talking all together in favor of simply staring into space, blankly. Perhaps his confusion about the intent of the question is really a sign that B. has been leaving the party too early.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?