Dear Dr. Babooner,

I just want to make it clear at the outset that I love my country.

I love it so much I want to make all of its decisions for it. But to be able to make those decisions, I have to win a major, major contest against the person who’s running it now.

I say “running it now” but in fact he’s not running it. No one person can run an entire country – especially this one. It’s too big and varied.

But anyway, I really, really want to win. So I go around pretending he’s running the country poorly and messing it up. And I also pretend that I can somehow do a better job. We both know this is nonsense, but we both continue to act like fixing an economy is no big deal, and that we both know exactly how it’s done.

Every now and then a bunch of numbers come out that indicate how the country is faring. When the numbers are bad, I look better. When the numbers are better, I look bad.

Dr. Babooner, I really need my country to have some bad numbers right now. I find myself dreaming of massive unemployment increases and a misery index that is off-the-charts awful.

But I only want to see this calamity deepen so I can get a chance to make things right! The agony of other people creates opportunity for me, and when I get a the right opportunity, I’m pretty sure I can make things better for everyone! That might be another hallucination but there’s only one way to find out!

Does that make me a bad person?

Seamus Roofrack, Esq.

I told Mr. Roofrack that yes, in fact, this does make him a bad person. No question. Wishing misery on strangers so one can get an opportunity to reduce their misery is as radical a self-glorification fantasy as one is likely to have. It’s like Lassie hoping Timmy falls in the well so she can charge to his rescue. This is a fanciful story, though, because a canine would never be so selfish or deluded.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s post comes from Ninth District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in Minnesota, which actually covers a lot of (wet) ground.

Greetings Constituents,

Representing all the water surface area is a perfect job for me. When I was a kid I stole my dad’s pontoon and went joyriding. The Lake Patrol came and got me and they pretended they were going to lock me in jail. I did them one better – I pretended I was excited about becoming a ward of the state, and they backed off.

I love debates because it’s so much like going out on the lake in a boat. There’s lots of wind and you circle for hours.

But one thing you have to be sure you’ve got down pat before you participate in a debate is a good Opening Statement. Experts call it your “Elevator Speech” – a one minute summary of who you are and what you’re about. They say you’d better give up running for office if you don’t have one of these ready to go. But I’ve never understood that because I managed to get elected without one! But I wrote something anyway.

Here it is.

Hi, I’m Loomis Beechly and I’m asking for your vote to represent the 9th district in Congress. I could tell you that I’m the best person in the world for this job, but we both know that’s not true. There are lots of nice folks who would be excellent Members of Congress, but they’re not running and I am.

I could tell you that I’m just like you, and that I will do what you would do if you went to Washington in my place. But that’s impossible. Only you can be you. I have to be me. Some days, I can barely pull that off, but I promise I will always, always try.

They say I should have clear talking points on every issue, but I just can’t remember what my positions are supposed to be and so I’ll always say whatever comes into my head. Some people argue that this makes me unfit for office, but I disagree. Yes, I’m inconsistent, but I’ve always been that way. It’s true that I sometimes have changeable policies, but that’s my way of fully representing every single person in my district. People’s views vary. It’s my goal to be in complete agreement with each of my constituents for at least one minute during the course of my service. Maybe the timing will work out and I’ll cast an important vote during the sixty seconds I totally agree with YOU!

I know it’s not the usual bio, but that’s who I am and I hope that’s good enough to convince you to give me your boat.

I mean your vote.

So that’s my speech. If we get caught in an elevator somewhere on the campaign trail over the next few weeks, now you already know what I’m going to say. Unless something else comes to mind!

See you on the campaign trail,

Loomis Beechly

What’s YOUR opening statement?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’ve spent the summer working hard around the hive – I don’t mind. I’m a drone and it’s my job. But there comes a time when the season changes and the work ends and we’re free to go out and look for sugar, which is remarkably easy to find around trash cans and any other place people toss their half-filled pop containers. Just about everywhere, it turns out.

It’s a magical and tragic time for us – we get to tank up on the sweet stuff before we die, which we all will do in short order, me included. Again – that bummer comes as part of the gig. My feelings make no difference at all, so I’m resigned to my fate.

But here’s what frosts me, Dr. Babooner. People waving their hands around in the air and running for cover or trying to crush me just because I happen to be buzzing around. They think I’ve come to attack them, and that is simply NOT TRUE! I really don’t care about them, except when they lunge at me.

Just yesterday I spent the day between a window and a window shade in this guy’s bedroom. I’d fly up to the top of the window and he’s throw a slipper at me and then cower in the doorway. His aim was lousy so I’d survive, but five minutes later he’s slapping at me with a rolled up newspaper, his other arm draped over his head to protect himself. Oh, and the whole while, he’s shrieking.

Here’s what I want to tell him: Look at me. I’m weak. I’m confused. A little dizzy. I’m going to die! Maybe sooner than I think out of embarrassment for you over the way you flail and screech.

Please, let’s all behave with some dignity – is that too much to ask?

Dizzily,
Waspy D. Pest

Here’s what I told Waspy; “Asking other people to behave with “dignity” is sometimes too much to ask, especially when those people are terrified. Frightened people don’t obey logic and can’t make sense. Your best course is to avoid them. Unfortunately, there is something about you that sends certain people into a frenzy and that will always be true no matter what you do. Ultimately I can only offer you your own advice – You’re going to die. So accept your fate and enjoy the nice weather. Get your fill of spilled pop and rotting fruit while you can, and avoid confrontations even when they come looking for you! And for heavens sake, don’t get caught between the window and the shade. What a terrible place to spend your final hours!”

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

I know you’re tired, but here’s another article about how we should get more sleep.

Prop your eyes open, take a moment, and read it. Or at least start it before your FIRST SLEEP and then finish it after you wake up and before you start your SECOND SLEEP.

Segmented sleep is going to be the latest trend. We used to call it insomnia but now waking up at midnight is natural and right and we will all want to change our schedules so we can do more of it – especially since long-dead medieval people are now telling us that the wakeful interlude between sleeps is the best time for sex. We have generally dismissed medieval wisdom but now that they’re giving us advice for the boudoir, we’re allowing them all kinds of sexy credit. After all, they had to have relations with other smelly medieval people thousands of years before we started putting cocoanut scented body wash in squeeze bottles. That couldn’t have been easy! Must have known a few tricks back then.

There’s lots in the New York Times about sleep problems. Obviously something is keeping the NY Times editors awake – severe sleep deprivation may be the only thing they have in common with Rick Perry. But the research appears to be undeniable that something fundamental happens inside the brain when it is asleep – something consolidating that makes thinking clearer.

Since no one is really listening, now is as good a time as any to re-issue my call for the candidates to take the lead on these insomniac issues by embracing the idea of more sleep research and by actually being brave enough to sleep in public.

Yes, in public.

Let’s put Obama and Romney in a hot middle school gym and subject them to a string of endless, praiseful speeches given by local potentates. If either candidate is truly human, he will nod off. In this way the next President can immediately and unconsciously get a head start on leading the nation towards more healthy sleep patterns. And he could de-mystify the taboo about conking out in a public place.

Yes, the “optics” would be bad, especially for those who think the president should always appear to be in control, super alert and otherworldly.

But I say let it go. No matter who wins, the President of The United States and your weird uncle Ted are made of the same stuff. They need their naps, especially in the afternoon. Some people don’t want to see their leader unconscious, but for the rest of us – a snoozing Prez may be just the image we need to restore our confidence that the head of state will have his head on straight when he wakes up.

When have you benefitted from “sleeping on it”?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I wrote to you a little over one month ago with a serious question about the life I had led in the field of politics, and how I felt under appreciated by just about everyone I encountered in that world.

I had just been rejected as a potential vice presidential nominee in favor of someone younger and prettier – and this happened after spending a ton of money in a failed bid to become president. When I wrote to you, I wanted to know if I should walk away from the relentless striving for attention and approval, or quietly position myself to run for some other office, like Senator.

You answered with some baffling gibberish about Nixon.

And yet I’m writing to you again because I think you’re one of the few people who takes me seriously.

I’ve just decided to leave politics and take a high paying job in the private sector. This is the right thing for me to do after years on a government salary. The gravy train is at the station!

And yet people are acting like I’m some sort of traitor because I had to quit my unpaid volunteer political job as co-chair of a big campaign. Critics say I’m “jumping ship” and hurting the candidate’s feelings in his time of need.

Trust me, the candidate doesn’t know what it means to have a “time of need” – he’s a super rich guy with a big ego. And frankly, guys like him can be a bit distant and clueless, feelings-wise.

But I’m not running away from my troubles. Now, instead of dealing with just one I’ll get to pal around with a whole bunch of super rich guys with big egos who can be a bit distant and clueless, feelings-wise. Some things never change.

I got into public service to help people, Dr. Babooner. I admit it didn’t always work out that way, but my intentions were good. Like most people, I wanted to be a hero and do something big and memorable. That’s why my new job is going to be so great. I get to sit at a round table!

Growing up as an American child, I knew I could never be one of the REAL Knights of Camelot. But this will be the closest thing to it! We’ve got a whole publicity staff just to the promote the idea that all we do is noble deeds!

If you had this opportunity you would take it too!
So why is everybody being so mean to me about it?

Passed Over, Obviously Rejected, Tired, Insulted, & Mad

I told P.O.O.R.T.I.M. that he needn’t apologize for taking the money. Everyone needs to pay the bills and people are sometimes mean when they feel jealous, so maybe they just envy you. Getting paid AND getting to be the leader of the roundtable seems like a dream job, but be watchful over how much chain mail and armor they put on you.

That stuff can chafe!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?