Dear Dr. Babooner,

My girlfriend has got this thing for extreme winter sports. She is after me to go with her to see “Crashed Ice” in St. Paul this weekend, which I have read a little bit about. It appears the idea is to go as fast as you can on ice skates down a steep hill inside the padded boundaries of a course that ends, thankfully, near a hospital.

There are sudden drops, awkward turns and bumpy stretches and it all seems so wrong, Dr. Babooner. Ice is supposed to be flat and smooth and enclosed in a heated arena where I can buy a beer and a hot dog. That’s winter sports, to me! But she says my ideas are “too tame.” Friends tell me I should be thrilled to have such a fun-loving, outdoorsy girlfriend who can get excited about a raucous event where weekend daredevils risk concussions and broken bones just for the privilege of saying they did it!

I don’t get a kick out of seeing blood on the ice and limbs twisted at weird angles, but I’m starting to wonder if my girlfriend does!

Dr. Babooner, I’d rather go to “Crashed Couch”, an event where I throw myself on a short, padded course that sits in front of the TV, and the crazy, impossible goal is to stay awake all the way to the end (of the movie).

Are we incompatible?

Sincerely,
Jack, a Dull Boy

I told Jack that yes, he and his girlfriend are incompatible and if he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life standing outside with his frozen toes surrounded by empty cans of Red Bull, he should break off the relationship right now. That, or encourage his girlfriend to become a Crashed Ice participant so he can go wait for her indoors, in the emergency room.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

The phone rang at midnight. It was America’s Safety Scold – Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty, obviously unable to sleep.

BSOR: Today is Millard Fillmore’s birthday. Do you know what he’s famous for?

Me: For being the only person named Millard that anyone has ever heard of?

BSOR: No. He’s famous for being the first President to install and use a bathtub in the White House.

Me: Along with the many other things he did when he was President.

BSOR: There’s nothing. I checked. The bathtub is it.

Me: That’s sad.  All that power and no accomplishments?

BSOR: It gets worse. The bathtub story is a lie. Totally made up by H.L. Mencken to fill a newspaper column one day. It was one of the first recorded instances of somebody inventing a “news” story that other people bought, completely. Even after Mencken announced that the story was false, people continued to believe it. Some folks buy it to this day! It’s incredible. And you know why? Because the story sounds right, and people feel comfortable with it. Just like they feel comfortable in a warm bath on a winter’s night.  But you should never feel comfortable in the bathtub, because the bathtub is the most hazardous appliance in the most dangerous room in the entire house.

Me: And why did you call me at midnight to tell me this?

BSOR: Because Millard Fillmore’s birthday always reminds me that we should never lie about bathtubs!

Me: Or lie about IN bathtubs, right?

BSOR: You do not realize how serious this is.

Me: I guess not.

BSOR: The fake article said doctors were against bathtubs as a general principle because they were a threat to the public health. When Mencken admitted the whole thing was a lie, people assumed there was no threat at all. But Mencken was right! The combination of water, soap, and a smooth, hard surface plus the ever-present devil – gravity … make your bathtub is the most dangerous thing you own!  More dangerous than a snowmobile.  Or a wood chipper!   Or any combination thereof!

Me:  That sounds like an exaggeration worthy of H.L. Mencken.

BSOR:  And yet, each year more people are injured in their own bathtub than are hurt by wood chippers on snowmobiles.  Fact!

Me: Then why is this not the focus of a major public policy debate?

BSOR: Because most people use their bathtubs in private while they are naked. The bathtub-interaction moment is so intimate, there’s a huge sentiment that says the government has no business there. But there are good doctors who seriously question whether we should be allowed to operate bathtubs without a license. They remain silent for fear they will be laughed at.  No one takes the bathtub menace seriously, thanks to Millard Fillmore and H.L. Mencken!

Me: Then this is truly a dark day.

BSOR: That’s why I can’t sleep.

Our conversation went on a lot longer than I care to admit here. If obsessive worrying was classified as a pervasive threat to the public welfare, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty would have to cite himself for multiple safety violations, every day. As it is, the possible long-term effects of the Millard Fillmore Bathtub Hoax keep him engaged and annoyingly alert.

Have you ever helped to spread a lie, believing it was true?

Our very political week comes to a close with this new idea from fresh concept generator Spin Williams, who seems to have discovered the SHIFT LOCK key as a way of giving EMPHASIS to the written word.
Not all inspirations qualify as advances.

Friends,
I have seen the FUTURE of broadcast media!

Well, I haven’t actually SEEN it, but I think I know where it’s going, and the answer is EVERYWHERE all at once, and QUICKLY, but NOT to any ONE PLACE for long! The key bit of information in this vision is simple and undeniable. People LOVE watching dogs on the internet. Thus the success of PUPPY CAMS.

One of my minions brought this up at the meeting that NEVER ends – an article from the BBC that talks about new efforts to MOUNT television cameras on the heads of canines. This amazing technology will make WONDERS possible – things that were simply IMpossible just a few years ago. Of course the article talks about using Mutt Cams to LOCATE people who are TRAPPED in hard-to-reach places, and that’s a VERY GOOD use for this REVOLUTIONARY idea.

But having watched ALL the IOWA coverage over the past week, I’m STRUCK by how NEATLY the Mutt Cam idea lines up with the way our news media covers events – they do it in a PACK! YES! They are like DOGS CHASING a RABBIT named Romney! And another rabbit named Santorum! And another rabbit named Bachmann! And another! And another! And look! A SQUIRREL!

The restless, unfocused energy of canines is a PERFECT MATCH for the unforgiving demands of the 24 hour news cycle. That’s why I PREDICT that TV journalists AND their camera crews AND the editors and NEWS DIRECTORS who give them their marching orders will all be replaced by intrepid bands of camera be-decked TERRIERS! YES! And this will happen very soon because canines will work for inexpensive treats, and they will even accept GARBAGE as food! YES! And their LOYALTY is unquestioned!

Here’s how it will work – the dogs will be electronically outfitted and sent into areas where news is SUSPECTED to have occurred. The humans will sit back, monitor and COMMENT on the video feeds as they come in. As long as the canines remain interested, we will follow the story. Their instincts are a perfect match for cable – if something STINKS, we follow it. If something is DEAD, we roll around on it. If something is NEW, or FAST, or FLASHY, it catches our eye and we CHASE it. And then there’s always GENITALS! Ours, someone else’s … it hardly matters. Fascinating! This is a change that is BOUND to HAPPEN!

What does it mean? If you are a market watcher, put your money into wireless shock-mounted camera companies, and invest in firms that make dog clothes and harnesses. If you know someone who has found a way to minimized the effect of hair clumps on electronic components, become a partner, immediately! If you own a website with the name “dog”, “mutt”, or “TV” in the title, DO NOT SELL.

And finally, if you are a journalist, start learning a new trade. HURRY, HURRY, HURRY! Good BOY!

Spin might be on to something here – Short Attention Span News covered by packs of Camera-wearing dogs. I’d watch. At least for a little while, until something else caught my eye.

How would you describe your attention span?

We’ve had a rather animal-centered week on Trail Baboon with a visit from Dr. Babooner and the death of Cheetah. And to finish things up for the week, the month and the year, here’s a message that came in from the deepest, darkest part of the woods – sent by a friend and translated from its original language – Ursus Textish.

Yo, it’s me, Bart.

I’ve got this feeling I should be sleeping right now but the weather’s been so mild I kind of don’t want to. Even though there’s not a lot of food in the woods, it’s fun to walk around looking at the stuff that’s supposed to be buried, but isn’t. Did you know that rotting stumps are like snowflakes – no two are alike? I know ‘cause I think I checked them all.

But every now and then this heavy feeling comes over me and I know my year is about to end … I get the urge to dig a hole and lie down for a long, long nap.

Before I do, I just want to say what a good year 2011 has been. Oh, I know there have been a some bear / human encounters with bears showing up in parking lots and bears tipping over the Weber Grill in people’s back yards and waking up the neighbors. Also, the polar bears have less ice to walk on these days, and they have a hunting season on bears in New Jersey of all places. Like any bear with a shred of common sense would want to go to New Jersey!

The coming year is going to have more of the same, as usual. And I hear that you guys are going to go through a massive election – thingy that is bound to be loaded with conflict and finger pointing and all sorts of wild accusations. Good luck with that.

Personally, I try not to focus on upsetting things because you can always find some miserable story to bring your spirits down if that’s the feeling you’re after. In spite of all the stuff I don’t like, it’s still pretty cool to be alive. So have a happy New Year, and remember – if there’s a conflict, carefully move away from the situation slowly and in a non-threatening way. Don’t raise your voice or run. In a worst case scenario, you might have to think about climbing a tree, playing dead, or fighting back with everything at your disposal.

Though not necessarily in that order.

As an overall guiding principle, keep a safe distance from sharp-toothed strangers who are easily frightened, and don’t threaten the cubs. Follow those simple rules and in most cases you’ll probably be pretty much all right. I promise!

I hope Bart is right on target with his advice and predictions, though no one is infallible when it comes to forecasts of any kind. Don’t believe me? Check out our guesses from last year. And feel free to offer an informed prediction or an outright fantasy regarding what comes next in 2012!

Note: This is the 500th post on Trail Baboon, many of them written by you, and all of them written FOR you. Thanks, Baboons, for your steady friendship and readership!

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Not that it matters all that much for the advice-giving part of this conversation, but I’m still running for President of the United States. I’ve asked you questions before and your words have been a real comfort to me for the most part, though you can be a little unkind and you’re not very consistent. Still, I think you’re genuine, and to me that matters more than knowing things.

I have been working so hard to change the world around just the way I like it. There’s a whole lot of convincing that has to be done. The people who disagree with me aren’t as docile as they ought to be, in my opinion. And then there are the people who are supposedly on my side! I thought I could count on them to back me up, but just yesterday one of my closest advisors decided to pledge his allegiance to someone else. Ow! It came totally out of the blue, really.

I’ve had problems with campaign workers all along, but this latest one takes the cake. What kind of person accepts a leadership role in support of a candidate and then abandons her just before the finish line? Whether you like me or not, you have to admit that’s pretty low. And you also have to admit that the kind of miserable cretin who would betray someone that way also happens to be the exactly the kind of person I would hire for an important job in a crucial state. Just like some of the other not-loyalists I hired in New Hampshire. Never knew any of them, really. I just went with my feelings, which I think are much more important than facts. It makes you wonder what sort of cabinet I would put together if I actually got elected. The implications are pretty dark. Lately I’ve been telling people that I’m just like Margaret Thatcher, but more and more I’ve been feeling like Blanche DuBois. I do so rely on the kindness of strangers, and those strangers have been unusually cruel.

Dr. Babooner, why am I drawn to people who aren’t good to me? I’m wondering if I’m just too nice, or if I give people too much credit, or if I simply love too quickly. I can’t decide. Please tell me – Which of my positive traits makes me vulnerable to disasters like this?

Sincerely,
Mrs. B.

There’s yet another possibility – that something about your personality attracts insincere opportunists who will exploit a situation as fully as possible and then move on without remorse, always looking for the next chance to benefit somehow by getting people all riled up and irrational. I don’t think it’s about being too nice or too loving – can you ever be TOO either one of those things? But maybe you could benefit by choosing your friends more carefully, or by asking yourself if your style has a special appeal for phonies and backstabbers.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Here’s this year’s Christmas letter from visionary, dealmaker and one-man economic engine Spin Williams, who is always in control at The Meeting That Never Ends:

Congratulations on achieving another Fully Merry or at least Somewhat Cheerful Christmas, everyone!

I’ve waited to send this letter until The Day Itself has passed so I can speak to you directly about what you’ve already accomplished. That’s just one of the great management techniques I try to put into practice every single day. Offering Positive Feedback to Underlings – because people are not inspired when you bestow vague hopes for something that might happen in the near or distant future. I’m a businessman so I don’t believe in luck or wishes. Everything that matters most in my world is the result of careful planning and growing your market share.

And now that Christmas is passed, don’t expect me to make any limp resolutions for the New Year, either. Though if I could change one thing, it would be the nature of the 1% vs. 99% debate. So far we’ve heard a lot from the 99%’ers about how they are so disadvantaged. But where are the 1%’ers who are willing to speak in favor of being gloriously rich? And it IS glorious to be rich, believe me. We should talk it up.

A few have stepped forward – most recently in this article on Bloomberg News. Finally some of the ultra-well-to-do are letting their Privileged Pride show! Here’s my favorite comment so far, offered by Robert Rosenkranz, CEO of Wilmington, Delaware-based Delphi Financial Group Inc., a seller of workers’-compensation and group-life insurance. He was quoted in the Bloomberg article.

“It’s simply a fact that pretty much all the private- sector jobs in America are created by the decisions of ‘the 1 percent’ to hire and invest. Since their confidence in the future more than any other factor will drive those decisions, it makes little sense to undermine their confidence by vilifying them.”

He’s right. We rich people ARE the economy, so don’t make us feel bad about ourselves. Everyone knows you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And you can catch even MORE flies if you lose your job, don’t wash for twelve weeks in a row, and start living in your car. In any case, I think we can agree that it’s wrong for anyone anywhere to say anything unkind about rich people. So don’t do it!

In the meantime, I think we Riches ought to advocate for ourselves. I usually don’t have any family-related activities at Christmastime because I live for work and haven’t had time to procreate, (I’ve been too busy making jobs!) But I do have some relatives-for-hire who come spend time at my house on those holidays when everyone else seems to want to stay home.

This past Sunday afternoon my faux nephew and central casting neice were arguing over a game of Monopoly I was forcing them to play. I don’t even like Monopoly, but I’m told some people break it out after all the gifts have been opened, and I wanted to experience a Christmas that was “normal”.

And as I watched these fake siblings nearly come to blows over whether one of them did or DID NOT cross “Go” and Collect $200 Dollars, I realized that this kind of plain spoken intensity is what I was have not been hearing in the 1%’s defense. So I wrote it down!

“Dear 99%’ers – You’re right on all counts. You suck at this and we are so totally demolishing you at this game! It’s not even funny. We’ve gathered up all the money and have purchased all the property and yes, only some worthless scraps remain. Face it. You are one Parking Ticket away from total destruction.

And it is SO easy to take your money! You don’t know how to use the bank and you can’t figure out how to turn the political piece to your advantage either. We, however, have loads of experience. Did you notice we took ALL the tax increase cards out of the “Chance” pile when you weren’t looking? It’s not against the rules – check! There’s nothing there that says you can’t!

What’s more, you don’t even know you’re playing a game – you think this is your life. Ha! You are so pathetic. Really, you should put up a better fight. We’re winning, we’re winning, we’re WINNING! Nyahh!”

Or words to that effect. That’s what I think the wealthy should be saying, but so few of my fellow Riches have the fortitude to stand up and speak their own minds. And almost none have the nerve to speak MY mind. But taunting is a great way to get people motivated, and that’s what I’d like to provide for you in 2012 – an incentive to get off your duff. So stay tuned, and thanks for reading this letter all the way to the end!

It seems like Spin Williams has fallen a little too deep in the eggnog and whiskey over the long weekend, and he might regret sending out this rambling, provocative mess.

Have you ever sent a letter or a message you wished you could recall?