This just in from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty:
At ease, civillians!
And when I say “at ease”, I mean you should assume a state of awareness in the moderate-bordering-on-high alert range. That, to me, is the most relaxed anyone should ever be. If things get tense and alarming, we will quickly move into and through the several stages of panic. I know this much – the heat of these summer months has dulled everyone’s senses and has made us inattentive. How many of you have taken more naps recently? I know I have. That’s a good strategy for dealing with extremes.
But often when a person takes a nap, a family pet will come and nap nearby. In some cases that animal even gets into the bed with you!
I find this alarming, especially in light of recent studies about certain cat parasites that appear to slightly increase the risk of suicide in Danish women. That’s right – your cat may carry a parasite that could lead you to make a foolish decision about ending your life!
Especially if you are a Danish Woman!
Who knew? Puff could be a hazard to your mental health!
Is Puff Possessed?
Of course, some canine lovers will say it’s the other way around – that a person’s willingness to live with cats is a clear sign of a pre-existing tendency toward self-destruction. But I don’t want to get into that toxic argument. Here’s my point –
The parasite is transmitted through feces, so changing the cat litter is something that should be done every day, and by the most expendable member of the family. This is key. I realize it may be a difficult decision for any family – to choose the one member we could most easily do without – but it’s crucial that any exposure to toxoplasma gondii be limited limited.
In rats, the parasite creates lesions on the brain in the areas affecting behavior. Infected lab rats have been observed losing their fear of cats all together and even feeling an attraction to the odor of cat urine.
One theory about this clearly suicidal change in rat judgment is earth shaking!
Some researchers suppose that the parasite, which can sexually reproduce ONLY IN THE INTESTINES OF A CAT, changes the behavior of an infected animal in order to promote that animal getting eaten by kitty! If this is true it means nature is even more underhanded and nefarious than I imagined!
And it also means we must keep a careful watch on whoever in our family is responsible for feeding the cat. The repeated begging and pleading for Puff to “just take a little taste” of whatever smelly abomination has just been dumped into the bowl could quickly lead to a crazed person chopping up much more than mere fish heads at dinner time. Gruesome, I know, but it’s absolutely essential that we count their fingers before and after each meal. They won’t know why they’re doing it, so it’s up to us to remember that the fingertip is connected to the elbow, and the elbow is connected to the torso.
Yes, Puff looks hungry, but we must set limits. And although it will hurt family morale, we must make certain whoever cleans the boxes is closely watched and completely expendable. You might consider hiring someone else to do the job. But please, no Danish women!
This is something like the fifth day in a row that it’s been unbearably hot and humid and my nerves are beginning to fray.
And I don’t even have to suffer in the weather!
I’m lucky enough to have enough money to live the kind of life that protects me from discomfort on 100 degree days. In fact, I feel trapped inside all my air-conditioned spaces. My home, my car and my office all provide plentiful false, frigid comfort.
The outside seems very remote.
Even the health club is air-conditioned. While I’m flailing away on the elliptical trainer I think about the huge coal burning power plants that worsen global warming in order to make electricity so huge fans can blow cold air into a giant room so people will have to do intense workouts to break a sweat while they could just as easily get totally soaked merely waiting for a bus.
The desk attendant says “stay cool”, as I leave. Everybody says that when you’re about to head out into the weather during a heat wave. Whenever someone tells me to “stay cool”, I want to lose mine. What’s wrong with feeling the heat? Why are we so afraid of what’s really happening in the weather? How did people survive before we figured out how to refrigerate our spaces? Didn’t they wear heavy wool clothes then? We’ve become sissies. The world is insane.
Would I feel less mad if I tried living without air conditioning?
Quizzically,
Seething Over Summer
I told S.O.S. he (she?) would not find relief in a world without air conditioning, but rather a different kind of madness. Though you may feel cooped up and isolated from reality in your cool, dry bubble, those who have no choice but to endure the sauna also feel enclosed and unable to escape. How did people survive without air-conditioning? A lot of them didn’t. So stop whining and enjoy your good fortune!
Sorry about my tone, but the weather has made me short tempered and intolerant.
But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?
When I read about the death of the Pinta Island Tortoise Lonesome George and the species unfortunate extinction, I thought “what a tragedy.”
When I saw his picture, I thought “ … by Shakespeare”.
Not only does George wind up dead at the end of the tale (a major requirement in any downer by the Bard), but he’s probably misunderstood and totally delusional. After all, wouldn’t you be?
Imagine – everyone around George hesitates to put it into words, but they look at him with a profound sense of pity. He is, after all, the last of his kind. They try to make his sad predicament more bearable by providing the company of one or more Lady Tortoises, but George feigns a lack of interest. He is actually quite randy, as old tortoises go, but he is waiting. Only another Pinta Island Tortoise can win his love.
Although there is this ONE she-tortoise, Gregarious Jane, who looks pretty good … great, in fact. But George cannot allow himself to fall in love because his responsibility is to the ages.
It breaks his heart, but he must remain available in case another Pinta Island Tortoise comes along. What are the chances? Almost nil, and yet …
Meanwhile, the Lady Jane confides to her (hilarious) Reptile-in-Waiting MeShell that she IS, in fact, a certified, pedigreed P.I.T., but she forbids anyone to mention it to George because she does not want to be loved only as a means to forestall extinction. If he can’t love her for who she is without regard for the effect it might have on posterity, well … maybe it’s better that the species disappears forever.
Lovers always think the world revolves around them!
Hmmm. Now that I consider it, there could be some silly hijinks, a bit of cross-dressing and a little mistaken identity back-and-forth with various characters hiding in their shells while other tortoises parade across the stage and talk as if no one else is in the room … and it could wind up as a comedy after all.
But George and Jane would have to realize their true identities and see that they are, in fact, right for one another.
But no. He dies. So alas, it’s a tragedy. Unless you have a better idea.
What ho! Supply a character, a line, or some story element for your version of Shakespeare’s “The Tragedy (or Comedy) of Lonesome George”.
Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, a supermarket that creates and sells nothing but genetically modified foods.
I was surprised to discover how casually people will pile on the scorn when it comes to disrespecting grocery store tomatoes.
They don’t have any flavor!
They have thick skins!
They’re only made to look good and taste be damned!
Please! These are delicate fruits.
Can’t you just be nice?
There was a time when tomatoes were thrown by the general public to insult performers who did not entertain. Now entertainers are throwing insults at tomatoes as some kind of performance for the general public. I’m discouraged by this strange turnaround.
This latest attack comes from Science Magazine and the New York Times, who blindly publish so-called research that begins with a questionable assumption – that grocery store tomatoes are a disappointment.
The argument is that we’ve fed ourselves fruits that were developed to serve large corporate interests by being easy to pick, ship and display. Critics say Americans are so dumb, we’d rather buy something that looks good rather than eat tasty foods.
I say – “So?”
Anyone who has spent five minutes trying to market anything at all understands the irresistible power of a Pretty Thing. That’s why we developed this summer’s produce special at Genway – The Lightning Bug Tomato!
By combining last year’s shockingly red Bloodbath Tomato with DNA taken from the ordinary firefly, we’ve created a piece of produce that has a pulsing, crimson glow. How successful is it? People line up and pay a fee to come into our store after closing when the lights have been turned out, just to stand by the tomato bin and bathe in the random flickering of piles and piles of ruby red orbs. It’s a splendid cross between languishing in an erotically charged boudoir, and hanging out at a crime scene.
We sell these Lighting Bug Tomatoes by the cart load, and so far no one has complained about the taste. It may be that no one has ever eaten one! I know quite a few will be launched from homemade catapults this Fourth of July. But I’m a businessman. As long as people pay on the way out, I don’t care what they do with the fruit once they get it home.
Maybe someday someone will find a way to market a tomato based on flavor alone. Good luck with that. In the meantime, don’t be cruel, be cool! And keep an eye on the sky. There’s something up there that’s very bright and very red. It glows like a tiny, throbbing sun, and it’s headed directly at you!
Clearly the summer is off to a slow start for perennial Sophomore Bubby Spamden, a boy with too much time on his hands.
Hey Mr. C.,
I’ve got a question for you.
What is it with you old people anyway? You’re supposed to be easy to figure out, but me and my friends have been kinda stumped. We’re not been getting the attention we expect … and DESERVE … from the geezer contingent in our town. Part of being young in summertime is to go out at night and have lots of loud fun in public places – fun that makes wrinkly folks mad.
We’ve been trying and trying, hanging out on streets downtown and in parks and even at the mall, laughing and messing with each other and acting goofy, but nobody even looked at us! So we upped the ante and started cursing loudly, because that’s always been a good way to get a rise out of cranky oldsters. We waited until a little clump of creaky blue hairs walked by and then my buddy Doug let rip with some #$%’s, and a few *&#!’s, and even a *#&*@!#-#%*$. I was expecting a lot of finger wagging and lecturing, but nobody said anything. At first I thought their hearing aids were turned off, but I finally decided they just didn’t care! What’s wrong with our society that it’s so hard to shock people?
Finally I asked my dad and he said “there’s been a cultural shift in language that started with Lenny Bruce and now has reached its full fruition with the Internet and the current level of discourse.” (He talks like that all the time – it’s boring).
His argument – there are no more dirty four letter words left in the language that have the power to shock large numbers of people – except one.
And he says that word is “Taxes”.
He said if we go around shouting about raising taxes and drop the word into every sentence we can at every chance we get, it would sound taxing brilliant and every old person within earshot will go out of their taxing minds telling us to shut up and then we can tell them it’s too taxing bad and they can just tax off because this is the way we taxing talk, and then we can feel like real honest-to-tax teenagers again.
I’m thinking it might work. Or he might be messing with us. Which is it?
Your friend,
Bubby
It shouldn’t be so hard for a young person to draw a little scorn from older people in the summertime, but I tend to think Bubby’s dad is taking him for a ride on this one. Old folks are just tired, and in a world that demands so much disapproval, one has to be careful where one chooses to spend it. Even so, I’d watch my mouth in public. You don’t want to get caught tossing the “T” word around.
It’s bound to be a very political day today. Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in Minnesota, is getting out ahead of the conversation with this latest newsletter to his people.
Congressman Beechly believes in Floater ID
Greetings, Constituents!
I wanted to be sure you heard from me today, since Congress is about to take a 10 day break and at the very same time the Supreme Court is set to drop a decision bomb about health care that will feed the political chatter machine for the next four months at least!
People are wondering what effect the court’s decision will have on the various contenders for election in the fall. No doubt that jubilant winners will be declared and sorry, miserable losers identified. And as a resident of the 9th District, you have a right to know – what kind of Congressman do I have?
My approach to the health care issue has been consistent throughout the many years it has been debated in Washington. I’m in favor of the thing that most people want to do at the moment.
At the time I’m writing this message to you, I do not know how the court will decide. But regardless, I have only one reaction – I Told You So.
That’s right. At one time or another, I told you so because I have been careful to take every possible position on this issue.
I think everybody deserves quality health care.
I don’t think people should be forced to buy insurance.
I don’t think taxes should go up.
I don’t believe in a government “takeover” of the health care system,
I don’t know what that means.
I don’t like government, except for the good things it does. The rest is waste and should be eliminated so my taxes can drop – especially the expenditures that help other people.
But I don’t want to live in Dickens’ England. I’m against people dying in the street, or even in alleys, especially if I happen to walk past them.
Doctors should be paid fairly.
Care for the children, they’re innocent!
Keep keep those death panels out of the room while I’m talking to my doctor, especially if she starts to give me her favorite investment or golf tips. That’s private, privileged information, and nobody has any business snooping!
I hope that’s clear enough so that when I come back for my visit you can congratulate me for being on the right side of this issue and we can get on with the real business of a Congressional holiday – fundraising and marching in parades!
I hear walking is good aerobic exercise – better than spending all your time in doctors’ offices, that’s for sure. So look for me, 9th districters. I’m coming to a boat launch near you!
Your Congressman (and always a winner!),
Loomis Beechly
Rep. Beechly is trying to have it all, and who can blame him? Everybody wants to be a winner – it’s good for your health!
Everywhere I turn today, I hear people talking about austerity. Whole nations need to be more austere. The world itself is on an austerity binge, if such a thing is even possible.
And yet everyone seems to hate austerity at the same time they’re urging others to subject themselves to it. But here’s the thing – I’ve been into austerity all my life, always cutting back on expenses with relish and always trying to take as little pleasure in everything as I possibly can. For example, if I were you I would have dropped those pearls a long time ago.
I have even tried not to feel too superior about my own austerity when compared to everyone else, because to enjoy it would be a luxury, and we Austeriterians don’t go in for that sort of thing. That’s why I have to suppress a laugh when when they ask me to cut back on my budget at work or someone tells me to not use the air conditioning in my car so I can get better mileage. I’ve been making those sacrifices for years! No one can out-austere me. All these downsizing latecomers and expense slashing woe-is-me-ers really burn my hide.
Or they would, if I had any hide left to burn. As an austerity measure, I got rid of my frilly, self-indulgent hide years ago. I’m better off without it, and you would be too!
Frugally yours,
Already Ultra Austere
I told AA it can certainly be frustrating when amateurs try to horn in on your territory, but there is nothing to be done. It is human nature to believe one has “discovered” a way of life or a new experience. The idea that others have known about this for a long time and have already made the sacrifices you’re demanding diminishes one’s enjoyment of being in the vanguard. In the case of the current crop of austerity fanatics, taking away this one source of joy would be … well, ultra austere and compulsively cruel. Just like you.
But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?
Summer is about to start, officially. This is a time when the urge to work slows down and hours are wasted gazing out windows at sunny scenery. Idea man and dealmaker Spin Williams knows all about this – though it is no longer an issue in his company.
Spin is also an efficiency expert!
Here at The Meeting That Never Ends, we’re always trying to find new ways to hike our productivity to levels far beyond those posted by other idea factories. That’s why we moved to the Around The Clock Meeting paradigm in the first place – we were simply taking too much time convening and adjourning our conferences, planning them and scheduling them and re-convening and re-adjourning, etc. Valuable inspiration-generating time was being being burned the same way your car guzzles gas on jackrabbit starts from a red light!
Now that our meeting is constantly in session, we’ve been able to dispense with pleasantries and stay productive 24/7 courtesy of regular breaks! Yes, experts from famous high-productivity workplaces like The Mayo Clinic and The New York Times agree that people do better when they interrupt their workflow with some down time. So at TMTNE, we work for twenty minutes, break for ten minutes and repeat, ad infinitum. That means in a typical day we can have up to 48 productive discussions! And people still get 8 whole hours off every single day, which is plenty of time to get some sleep, or a little food, or a bit of both! If they want to skip a nap or a meal, they can change clothes or spend intensely focused quality time with a relative or some sort of friend. Who needs more than that?
Not only does our perpetual professional parley promote productivity, it discourages a host of other social and environmental ills. With no time for employees to go “home”, there’s no longer any need for the economy to support a domicile outside the workplace! Land-use stresses are reduced. Commuting is no longer a problem. Romance is still possible, but it’s limited to ten minute interludes. That’s better because it reduces unwanted pregnancies (you have to be very focused and intentional) and keeps the mystery alive. Casual “dalliances” become a thing of the past – there’s simply no time to dally. Domestic unrest is unheard of – every conflict is a workplace situation of one sort or another, which can be easily handled by the experts in the HR department. Children are raised and educated in a series of meeting of their own, which happen just down the hall. When we go on vacation, we go together and keep working! Under this system we could (and sometimes do) switch to a year-round holiday schedule without losing a moment’s productivity because time off is simply a calculation that happens as part of the paperwork.
Some people (i.e. Corporations) call our company a “cult” or a “commune”, but I think name-calling by the competition is a sure sign that you’re doing something right! I’d love to hear what you think of our plan, but the meeting is about to resume. Let’s touch base in twenty minutes!
Efficiently yours,
Spin
I think Spin’s scenario is the wave of the future! This is where we’re headed, but I’ll have to become much more productive if I’m ever going to make it happen.
Today is the birthday in 1903 of bandleader Guy Lombardo, conductor of the Royal Canadians and the cultural figure who “owned New Years Eve” before Dick Clark took it over. Lombardo’s music is clean and precise and by the more modern standards of those who were raised on rock and roll, sterile and empty.
But he wore a nice red jacket and made a name for himself at a time when a person could become a popular star simply by smiling and waving a baton. And for people in my age group, he carried an air of mystery because he did his best known work on TV, in front of my parents, after we were sent to bed.
The other thing Lombardo did is unexpected (to me). He raced hydroplanes, roaring across the surface of rivers and lakes at frightening speeds powered by engines that were loud and obnoxious in a way his music decidedly was not.
He was good enough at it to be inducted into the Canadian Motorsport Hall of Fame. I never would have guessed this – it makes about as much sense as discovering that Liberace was a heavyweight prizefighter. (Can we start that rumor here?)
We assume people who are known for a particular thing or make their living in a specific realm love only that and never indulge in anything different. But it’s undeniable that the Guy who seems so mild and pleasant in the video above enjoyed having the wind in his hair and could have swamped a slow boat going anywhere when he was having fun on the weekend.
It has been a few weeks since we’ve heard from Bart, the bear who found a cell phone. Apparently he’s been scouring the news wires, and is feeling a little sensitive about inexplicable inequalities. This has been translated from its original language – Ursus Textish.
Hey, Bart here.
Couldn’t help noticing this.
Bart – The Bear Who Found a Smart Phone
A bear shows up on a college campus, climbs a tree, draws a bunch of gawkers.
A guy shows up at Niagara Falls, climbs a wire, draws a bunch of gawkers.
The guy gets a live TV show and applause from a crowd of more than a hundred thousand.
The bear gets shot with tranquilizers, which makes him fall out of the tree, and then gets trucked off to “the forest”.
I’m not saying bears and people should be treated exactly the same, but what’s up with this? The bear was humiliated for doing what bears do naturally. What’s the crime? Yet there is nothing natural about a guy walking across a waterfall on a wire. Did you know bears have very, very good balance? We do!
The guy got celebrated and called a “daredevil”. But if I said I was a “beardevil” and tried the same thing, Animal Control and PETA would have a cow (yet another violation of the natural order)!
This cell phone really troubles me. Since I got a data plan, I’m seeing all sorts of things that just don’t make sense.
