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Happy Babooniversary!

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Yes, this Monday marks the third anniversary of the launching of Trail Baboon.
Our first post appeared on June 3, 2010. This is entry #946.

Thanks to all the Baboons who helped get us here by reading, commenting, and even writing blog posts on days when I was away or uninspired or too tired to type. This has become a community space, and I’m delighted with the denizens. Whether you regularly speak up or simply visit and wonder, your presence makes this virtual clubhouse a home away from home for literally dozens of us.

One thing I’d like to try as we move into year number four is to freshen things up a bit. And one way to do that is to remodel our home. WordPress offers many cost-free options and some “premium” themes – a step we can afford thanks to our willingness as a group to accept the advertisements that clamor around the margins of this page.

Here are some options, which you can see in more detail if you click on the individual image.

As with any major home improvement project or makeover, this one moves me to paralysis. I’m not sure I can commit to that particular blueprint, haircut, construction material, wardrobe, color scheme, or cost. Does everything have to change, or can I keep some favorite things? What if it doesn’t look the same way on me that it looks on that model?

Otherwise, I’m enthusiastic about change!

What’s your most memorable remodeling project?

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Dangerous Loophole

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I just received a breathless note from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty – a man so easily alarmed he ought to know better than to spend his precious spare time reading newspapers. Every page has something guaranteed to ring his bell. And yet he allowed himself to get drawn in to an article in the New York Times about the federal government and driverless cars.

Automatons!
Automatons!

As a result, he is pleading with me to use my vast connection with potentially dozens of blog readers to generate concern about the coming auto-dronepocalypse on our streets and highways.

“I don’t think people are fully aware of the potential threat posed by these road robots! Don’t get me wrong – I have more faith in machines than I do in people. Every human being is a string of accidents waiting to happen! But these autonomous autos were designed and built by humans, and because they are the result of the work of fools, there is no way they can be foolproof!”

But the thing that really got him was this quote from the article:

It is up to state and local governments to decide whether autonomous or semiautonomous cars are allowed on public roads. States including California, Nevada and Florida have already legalized driverless cars. They are not explicitly illegal in other states, because there is no law that says cars must have drivers.

“‘… there is no law that says cars must have drivers!’ Do you realize what this means? It is a gigantic loophole in our legal code – big enough for your mammoth SUV to drive through with all its sensors and GPS turned off! Apparently anything goes as long as you can prove you weren’t the one driving the vehicle. And once vehicles become blame-able, things are going to get very strange out on the roads. My advice – stay away from all interstates, state highways, county roads, city streets, cul-de-sacs, alleyways, driveways and cart paths for the next twenty years, until all this autonomous locomotion business gets sorted out! That’s what I’m going to do, and I suggest you do it too!”

I usually don’t take B.S.O.R.’s advice, and I’m not sure that it’s even possible to live in America in 2013 without going near roads. And surely there would be safety hazards to going cross-country all the time. Ticks, for one. Poison ivy too. Not to mention the drones overhead – another kind of autonomous vehicle.

Still, it does make me wonder what sort of life one could lead if the goal was to stay clear of all traffic.

Where is your favorite off-road area?

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An Empty Space

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly Announces He's Not Going Anywhere At All.
Beechly Announces He’s Not Going Anywhere At All.

Greetings, Constituents!

A lot of people say politics is an art, but I happen to think there’s a bunch of science mixed in.

I regularly get together with a group of friends in our “bipartisan politics lab,” and we look at everything that happened in the past few days through an unforgiving microscope. There are all sorts of linkages and influences to measure.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised yesterday when Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced she would not run for a fifth term in her conservative Minnesota district. In a cold, hard scientific light, the numbers were not in her favor. Neither were the letters, once intimidating ones like F.B.I., F.E.C. and O.C.E.started showing up.

I have long admired Representative Bachmann for her many abilities, not the least of which is the power to set an anything-can-happen tone, and another is simply the ability to draw attention. In political science, that quality alone is as good as gold.

People think if you’re in Congress you have already hit the heights of fame and influence, but I can tell you from personal experience it can feel very lonely and quite invisible to be a member of the House of Representatives.

Especially if, like me, the institution doesn’t recognize you as a legitimate member.

Getting even a fraction of the attention Representative Bachmann received would have made me feel like a real success – like I had finally arrived. Unfortunately, I would have to serve 100 terms to come near the level of fame she collected in her soon-to-be far-too-short eight years.

In this way, Representative Bachmann gave us a yardstick to measure ourselves and our constituents!

Just like a scientific compound that gets a reaction out of other metals, exposure to even a little bit of pure Bachmann would trigger a profound change in every element that came near. I don’t have to tell you that! And her powerful influence made it possible to “read” individuals quite quickly.

That’s a valuable tool in the fast-paced world of politics.

For example, we discovered a clear and direct one-to-one ratio links any individual voter’s Bachmann Allegiance Tendencies (B.A.T.) and that same person’s Conspiratorial Reasoning Acceptance Profile (C.R.A.P.)

Meaning the more an individual donor liked Congresswoman Bachmann, the more likely they were to believe that the government had covered up the truth about the President’s birthplace, or downplayed data about Islamist infiltration in the State Department. Or believed that there are flying saucers and mummified aliens in the New Mexico desert!

So if you knew someone’s BAT, you instantly had their CRAP, and vice-versa. We had Congresswoman Bachmann to thank for that! And We were able to measure it more easily whenever she made a widely distributed public statement, meaning every time the Congresswoman opened her mouth on TV, we were hip deep in BAT/CRAP back at the lab.

Those were golden days. The days when an ordinary person would walk a mile out of his way to tell you a joke, even if wasn’t very funny or didn’t make sense. Old fashioned? Yes! And I think we live in a very different America today!

Your Servant,
The Hon. Congressman Loomis Beechly, Esq.

I have nothing to add.

How do you measure your influence?

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Smoker’s Rights

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I know this is less likely than it used to be, thanks to laws that govern public smoking and second hand smoke exposure. But have you ever been stuck sitting near someone who insists on lighting up?

Apparently it still happens, particularly in Alaska.

Pavlov_volcano

And the worst part for the unfortunate geologic feature caught in this awkward situation – everybody says “just move.” But it’s not that easy when you’re a mountain!

Been involved in any public smoking conflicts?

Songs

Lunar Exploder

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Image from NASA
Image from NASA

Super speedy space chunks regularly slam into the moon – that’s why it has so many lovely craters. An exceptionally big one fell recently and hit at 56 thousand miles per hour, liquefying rock and ejecting tons of dust. Sound awesome?

Here’s the good news: It was recorded on video.

Here’s the bad news: Perspective is everything.

If we had been standing within sight of this on the Lunar surface, we’d have had a “shock and awe” moment easily rivaling the kind of explosive mayhem we’ve become used to in all our action films and thrillers. From our vantage point here on Earth, however, this major collision is just a brighter-than-usual pinprick of light.

There are indications that both the Earth and the Moon were pelted by a series of asteroids on March 17th, the date of the observed lunar explosion. We might have wound up with a much-too-close-for-comfort view of the festivities, had it not been for our protective atmosphere.

Scientists think tracking the frequency and location of explosive lunar impacts will come in handy should we ever attempt to have an extended human presence on the moon’s surface. Being able to predict the size, speed and trajectory of incoming boulders should give us a chance to leap out of the way. In theory.

There are plenty of famous moon songs, but they always depict our satellite as remote, mysterious and peaceful. I don’t know of any of them speak the to the constant threat of sudden violence that hangs over the dusty landscape there. Until now.

Cue Astronaut Tony Bennett!

Fly Me To The Moon
Help me dodge explosive bombs.
Drop me in a quiet spot
the universe becalms.
In other words, Asteroids!
In other words, help them miss me.

Walking on the moon
I’m seeing craters all around.
I’m afraid to look up
I’m afraid to turn around.
In other words, how’s your luck?
In other words, learn to duck!

How are your reflexes?

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My Brother, the Marine

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I’m thinking of my brother today on Memorial Day.

He was a Marine.

The purpose of Memorial Day is to remember those who died while serving in the military – a noble and worthy holiday to honor those who sacrificed themselves for our country. Argue if you wish with the logic behind some of the wars where so much has been lost. Regardless, the people who died made an unselfish commitment to fight on our behalf, regardless of risk. It is right to honor that.

But not every member of armed forces who dies does so facing an enemy in battle. The military is a machine that runs on the energy of young men and women and their willingness to do dangerous things. And as a result, it chews people up in unexpected ways and for dumb reasons, or no reason at all. Planes and helicopters crash, ships collide, rifles misfire, minds snap and bad things happen. There is carnage on the front lines but also on the bases and on the training grounds. In every case it is heartbreaking and the price is steep. Payment is usually immediate, though sometimes it takes years.

My brother Lee is one of those who paid in installments.

Lee did not die while enlisted in the Corps, but his death and his service are intertwined and when I reflect on his passing I think of him as a military casualty even though he was a 57 and living alone in an apartment in Irvine California at the time – not in uniform, not on a military base and far from any battlefield.

His passing was the result of a Hepatitis C infection contracted over 35 years ago – a consequence of a transfusion of tainted blood from a time long before the more stringent donation screening of today. Hepatitis C remains hidden – there are no symptoms in the early and middle stages so he didn’t know he had it until decades after the transfusion.

Lee needed to receive large amounts of blood because he had been attacked by one of his fellow Marines – an angry brother-in-arms who felt he had been passed over for promotion.

Lee’s wounds were severe and he almost died in the hospital. He was stabbed in the stomach while hiding, using a phone to call for help. His assailant saw the phone cord winding under the desktop and lunged with his weapon. Why? It’s like so many violent things today – there is no logic. It certainly was not the kind of heroic face-off you see in the action films. My brother and those with him were only prepared to shoot with cameras. Help came too late for two Marines, who died on the scene. Three others were injured.

Man and Cat, at home
Man and Cat, at home

Oddly, Lee had transferred to the photo lab from a much more pressurized and risky assignment. He had been a Military Policeman, and had he remained one he would have been called on to respond to this attack. You might expect taking pictures to be a safe way to serve out a term in the Marines, but not in this case.

In the years that followed, my brother focused on his photography business and volunteering at the local animal shelter. He remained proud of his connection to The Corps, though he was reluctant to talk about the incident or his attacker.  Yet the disease he had picked up as a result of it was already inside, doing its work.

I believe his strategy in dealing with this calamity was simply not to dwell on it. You could ask about his health but my brother had perfected his shrug and he was not interested in examining his personal problems with you. Next subject?

Although his story is not going to make it into a war movie, I think of Lee on Memorial Day, and every day, as someone whose life was changed and ultimately lost because he made a choice to serve.

Who do you think of on Memorial Day?

The Baboon Congress

Gloss – a – Rama

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Today’s guest post comes from Barbara in Robbinsdale.

OK, Babooners, the now almost-annual addition to the Glossary of Accepted Terms is a bit overdue, as the last update was March 3, 2012. Here are some of the new terms we’ve come up with or accessed since then. I’ve left in the dates so you can see what prompted us to use some of these gems… As you can see, Baboons love word play.

Acacia Dentally – a tree of teeth, OR an alternative spelling by a creative Baboon of the adverb “accidentally”, brought about in reference to an ectopic post (see G.O.A.T.)
November 29, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Action-y – full of action, as in “If you want to see a movie at the theater, then just see one, since you want to feel action-y afterwards. If you see two, you will be too tired to be action-y.
November 9, 2012 at 9:31 am

All hat and no cattle – description of a person who is all talk and no substance; as in:
t: “maybe we could have tpaw become a north dakotan and wear boots and a gentlemans cowboy hat. chew a little copenhagen and visit the oil frackers. i think hed fit in no time.”
R: “People here would take one look and say ‘All hat and no cattle’
August 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

All y’all – Y’all is impervious to the normal rules of grammar… Y’all is plural, but “all y’all” comes in handy for emphasis in certain scenarios…                                                   
June 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Blogular verbosity – related to the frequency of a blogger’s comments, as in this comment from the Alpha Baboon, “Now that I’ve revealed the recent ranking, let me emphasize that there is no prize here for blogular verbosity .” (Dale) Also considered farther down on the page:
verbose blogularity
vorbose irblogularity
verbosious blogularium
verbo-a-blog d’baboon
April 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Cannardly ² – an alternate definition referring to diamonds or other gemstones that are so small you cannardly see them, i.e. “The center stone is so large that the ½ caret side stones look like cannardlies.”
September 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

chipmonks – a variation on the name of a familiar mammal, living at tim’s place, “that calls to mind the image of a bucktoothed friar.” May 22, 2012 at 8:08 am Chocolate covered raisins – bioflavinoids wrapped in decadence. March 12, 2012 at 8:41 am 

Compassion fatigue – acquired PTSD for therapists from being around too many other people’s traumas
November 9, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Ethical polyhedron – the case that there are many points of view to consider, as in:
“one sees so many sides to an issue that it can be difficult to come down resolutely in one camp or another…there is ALWAYS another side–an ethical polyhedron, so to speak”
June 28, 2012 at 7:54 am 

Glossarization – what happens to a post or reply when it is being prepared the Glossary of Accepted Terms, as in: “Thank you for the glossarization … One of the things I loooove about this group is the mutual joy in wordplay.”
March 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

Gludge – a combination of snow and slush or sludge that accumulates only in late April, when the last thing one wants to do is remove it when we should be seeing buds pop out on our trees and shrubbery. Ex: “16 inches of gludge at the bottom of my driveway from the plows this morning.”
April 19, 2013 at 10:05 am

Golden Banana – an award given here on the Trail to a Babooner for particularly distignuished writing or idea. It was started by the Baboon named Jacque, an award “given … by whim and whimsy for achievements above and beyond the Baboon Call of Duty. If I feel like it.”
June 10, 2012 at 10:49 am


Googleholic – a Baboon addicted to doing very frequent searches on Google.com, as in: “It isn’t 10:30 AM yet, and I have done at least 15. Makes me a Googleholic, maybe.”
March 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

Holy Goat! – an exclamation used to express bewilderment, surprise, or astonishment, but in a more goatly manner than, for instance, “Holy Cow” or “Holy Batman.”
December 10, 2012 at 9:01 am 

Leucistic – an animal with a reduced pigmentation caused by a recessive gene…“Unlike albinism, it is caused by a reduction in all types of skin pigment (Wikipedia)”, as in: “There is a small population of leucistic squirrels in Waterville. They’re not albinos because their eyes are black. “
April 18, 2012 at 10:55 am 

Lexiconolic – a Babooner addicted to doing very frequent use of a dictionary, as in: “10 times a day online; I’m a lexiconolic.”
March 3, 2012 at 6:58 am 

Todoplegia – a form of paralysis triggered by too many items on a Baboon’s “To Do” list.
March 19, 2012 at 10:56 am 

Truffle shuffle kerfuffle – Exemplified in the following Baboon conversation:
“I’m thinking that the next Blevins meeting could be a truffle exchange. Everybody bring a couple chocolate truffles and then we’d shuffle ‘em and eat ‘em…” (Steve)
“Then, if we got into a disagreement of how the truffles were to be allocated, we could have a truffle shuffle kerfuffle. (ba-dum-BUM)”
March 29, 2012 at 10:14 am

New Acronyms:

GLOTTMBD – Great Lists of Things That Must Be Done
May 23, 2012 at 7:20 am

LIFO – In inventory management, Last In First Out, as opposed to
FIFO (guess what that means). As in, “For Robin’s freezer contents to turn in a timely manner, she’d have to use FIFO.”
February 21, 2012 at 10:50 pm

OPT – On Previous Topic
March 28, 2012 at 10:54 am

SWMBA – She Who Must Be Adored
May 23, 2012 at 8:59 am

TRoUBLE – Team Responding on Unusually Big Lighting Events:
“I spent the whole day trying to come up with the words to fit ‘TROUBLE’ because I want to be in charge of that. All I could get was the end: _ _ _ _ Been Lighting Events”… “Team Responding on Unusually Big Lighting Events (TRoUBLE) maybe??”
Feb 3, 2012

S.L.A.P.D.A.S.H. – Slobs Leaving A Permanent Document About Sloppy History: a club for concerned people who don’t want to erase our story with reckless overuse of soap.
April 11, 2013

STW – Schuyler Tyler Wyler, Trail Baboon’s Rhyming Poet Laureate
April 12, 2013 at 10:27

What is your favorite word game?

The Baboon Congress

Nuances of Taste

82 Comments

Today’s guest post comes from tim.

I like marilyn monroe.

marilyn the look

i watched a movie about her, well actually in my own adhd way i enjoyed a movie about her. got the gist of it and got back to my life in about 10-15 minutes and was able to plug in the theme of the movie, lawrance olivier was a great stage actor who wanted to be a great film star and marilyn was a great film star who wanted to be a great actor. it is said marilyn had a hard time getting it right but when she did every eye in the place was on her.

brad pitt is dumb as a rock.

robert redford chose brad pitt to be in a river ran through it and turned him into a star. i happened at the time to be listening to a books on tape story that had brad reading from his pre star days. he stumbled his way through the reading mispronouncing the hard words and doing that stammer when you see the word coming and you dont know how to pronounce it, then pushing forward in a way that results in a cadence that makes your voice do a herky jerky tempo that reminds me of a rumba line. a river ran through it was a beautiful movie, story, was beautiful cinematography it won critical acclaim but what it will go down as in my book is as the vehicle that launched brad pitt.

entertainers are allowed to be wonderful at what they are at and no one asks brad pitt to read anymore but he has a wonderful future as eye candy.

johnny depp may or may not be sharp. it doesnt matter because he is so creative.

jimmy stewart and tom hanks are the same person in different generations.

sophia loren, emmie lou harris and cher are incredible 70 somethings.

i like bob dylan, tom waits, andrea bocelli, ella fitzgerald, chet baker, willem de kooning ansel adams, art deco, raspberries, pinot grigio,pesto, mornig fog, a sultry voice, a cats purr, sunshine on my shoulders, ice cold water and i dont know why. marilyn sure was pretty, jimmy stewart is personable, who doesnt like sun on their back and isnt life great when we appreciate the simple gifts we have. no one ever looks at a mountain and says it is beautiful but the mineral deposits are not as strong as those in theurals, no one looks at a raspberry and says yeah it tastes good but it is lacking in terms of beta carotene.

we have a set of values in our head that says good or bad, pleasant or repulsive, i want it or get me outta here. i dont know where you got yours and i dont care where i came upon mine but you are not going to be able to talk me out of the things i like.

sometimes its simple. ice cold water on a hot day vs putrid eggs in an unopened garbage can. you know which you want and what to choose but what about all the other stuff we run into every day?

isnt it amazing others dont see the beauty and feel the attraction to the same things that call out to you?

how can pink martini not be the most popular music in the world?

how can there be any pistachio’s left?

why isnt there a radio station that just plays miles davis kind of blue 24/7?

What is taste?

Uncategorized

Make Mine Pine

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Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the company founder and produce manager at Genway – a supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I’m delighted that scientists who have more time on their hands than I do were finally able to sequence the entire super-lengthy genome for the Norway Spruce.

I tried to do it a time or two, but the Norway Spruce DNA string was so long I lost interest before I got to the end, rather like reading Moby Dick.

There was a lot of repetition in the genome too. I guess that’s what used to pass for great writing.

It’s odd, because Norway Spruce might be my closest personality match in the world of trees. They can be so prickly! They’re also sappy and messy, just like I am. And of course we both smell great and people want to snuggle up near us and hang things off of us every December. That’s why I’ve always wanted to do something coniferous at Genway! And now that I can get at all the genetic inner workings and mess around, my mind is reeling!

Of course everyone else will use this wealth of new information to try to make a perfectly shaped and completely durable Christmas Tree. Ho hum! I’m much more interested in the subtle manipulations.

For example, by incorporating simple Idaho tuber DNA into a cocktail with the genetic code for creating pine needles, I can clearly envision a house in the woods surrounded by trees that shed the raw materials for making ultra-thin potato sticks. So what if dropping spud-needles get caught in the gutters? Spray the roof with oil and set it on fire! Those first responders deserve to arrive at a blaze one time that i also a tasty, crunchy treat – just remind them to bring the salt cannon!

And what about doing something with those Norway Spruce seed pods? Imagine how a nine year old’s head would explode if you told him Ice Cream Cones really DO grow on trees! Now THERE’S a Christmas gift!

There are non-grocery applications too! Those pine-shaped hang-from-the-mirror car deodorizers have never smelled like an evergreen to me. But now that we know the proper DNA sequence, we can fundamentally spruce up everything! The dashboard. The mirror itself. Even YOU could have a naturally coniferous personal scent! What would it be worth to you to be as perpetually fresh as mountain air?

And what about sports applications? I’m sure there are a number of NFL receivers who would like a genetic upgrade to have their football-dropping palms naturally ooze an ultra sticky sap.

Yes, I’m delighted that the secrets of this complicated tree, the Norway Spruce, have finally been unlocked. Look for a sudden surge of Evergreen products at Genway including Evergreen Grapes and Evergreen Gravy.

Yes, green gravy! Why? Because we can!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Larry Kyle.

I think Dr. Kyle’s enthusiasm is premature. I’m not sure that knowing anything about the Norway Spruce gene sequence will help us much in the long run. But if it makes him happy, what’s the harm?

Tell us a story involving you and a conifer.

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State of Brains

48 Comments

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district, which comprises all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly promoting brains on the water.
Beechly promoting brains on the water.

Greetings Constituents,

I write to you regarding an issue of great importance. It has come to my attention that some leaders in Massachusetts are saying that theirs is the brain state.

Are we going to allow this?

There was a time when American states competed to see which one produced the most impressive looking crops or the largest number of sophisticated manufactured goods. This is what State Fairs used to be about. It was a way for the state to boast about its superior products and an exemplary way of life.

But things have changed. Increasingly, the spoils are going to those states that have the best brains. The markets don’t care how big our pumpkins are. They want to know what’s inside! And I think our great advantage over the rest of the world is that our melons are chock full of brains!

Actually, that’s a lie. There are smart people everywhere and one human head has about the same amount of brainage as the next. But until we convince ourselves that we’re unusually bright, we’re not going to seem smart to anyone else. School children are known to go out of the way to not appear too smart, for fear they’ll lose the popularity sweepstakes.

That’s why we have to talk up the quality of our noodles just like they were beef cows or zucchini.

Yes, I’m saying every Minnesotan should have a blue ribbon pinned to his or her skull as a sign of excellence.

Why? Because our brains are bigger, plumper, juicier, faster, longer-lasting and just plain better than the brains in every other state, bar none!

Some will loudly disagree. Others will silently disapprove because they know in their hearts that they are smarter than us. Constituents, that’s where we have them! People who think they’re superior to everyone around them also tend to look down on promoters and salesman. They think their excellence is self-evident and believe that everyone else will soon come to see it. Saying so out loud is tawdry, or so they think.

In the meantime, these geniuses pity anyone who toots his own horn.

That’s a mistake!

The sign of a truly intelligent person is that she knows no one will give her credit for anything unless she demands that they do it! So I’m surprised there aren’t more Minnesotans talking up the unique qualities of their brains! We should be ready, at the drop of a hat, to expound on the quality of our noggins. We should all be the Muhammad Ali of intellect. Float like a butterfly, sting like Apis mellifera!

Let’s get started today! I’m proud to say I’m a smart person living in a State of Brains, and I think you are too!

Your Exceptionally Bright Congressman,
Loomis Beechly.

What’s good about your brain?