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Hibernation Rejuvenation

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Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods. It has been translated from the original Ursus Textish.

Bart Blackberry2

H’lo, Bart here.

I feel like I’m waking up. And I was just in the middle of a beautiful dream – I looked up and there were all these tiny cardboard boxes floating down towards me – each on on a separate parachute. I couldn’t tell for sure what was inside – but each one seemed warm and smelled delicious!

That’s how I knew it was a dream. Nothing in the woods is warm and delicious in mid-March.

But the forest is coming to life. I know I’m not alone – There area few subtle signs and a lot of hunger out there. Since hibernation began I’ve lost some weight, so I’m always famished. The problem is, there aren’t enough picnics happening right now. That’s where I really get lots of food because people are such slobs. It’s nice there are some things a bear can count on. But for some reason, this is a time when campers in the woods are not eating as much as they’re drinking – kind of a disappointment for me. What’s with that? All I know is it has something to do with a Saint and Snakes and Shamrocks.

It’s very confusing because I’ll sometimes see a flash of green in the roadside ditch and I think some berries might be coming out – but when I get there all I find is a bunch of emerald trash and some bottles – each with a bit of fizzy green stuff in the bottom.

Ugh.

And even though I’ve had bad luck with bottles lately, I drink it anyway because I need the calories. And then I fall asleep again. When I wake up, I feel worse than before.

It’s not supposed to happen that way! You’re supposed to feel great when you’ve had enough rest. I guess it has something to do with the green drinks, but what can I do? There isn’t much food in the woods right now, unless somebody organizes a massive popcorn drop. Call out the National Guard – they need some experience parachuting supplies into the forest. Rice Krispie Bars would be OK too. Or pies. Pies would be very nice.

Hey – I think that’s what my dream was about! I’m finding out what every hungry wild animal knows. It pays to be a pest. Does it pay in pies? Pehaps!

Your pal,
Bart

I assured Bart that the National Guard will not do a Pie Drop in the woods. The state got a little budget forecast relief a few days ago, but not enough to justify the kind of extravagance he imagines. Still, a breakfast of pie from the sky would be better than guzzling the backwash from bottles of green beer.

What’s the worst breakfast you’ve ever had?

Uncategorized

Ask Dr. Babooner

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Ann_Landers baboon 2

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Two years I wrote to you about some strange forebodings I had at work.

I was the CEO of a major company, riding high, full of power and ambition. I wanted to run the world and felt like I could do it!

But one of the little people at my firm, an employee named Sue Thayer, kept giving me cryptic warnings about the Ides of March.

“Beware the Ides of March,” she’d croak as I passed her in the hallway.

Her prominent bloodshot eyeballs creeped me out and I shrugged off the warnings. But as it turned out on March 15th that year I was called into a special meeting of the Board of Directors. All of my V.P’s were there – I thought they were going to give me some kind of honor. But one by one each member of my so-called “team” took a verbal swipe at me and I wound up being viciously and brutally sacked.

Afterwards everybody made a bunch of pretty speeches to the press about what happened – some supporting me and others saying I was a tyrant who deserved to be overthrown in whatever way necessary. It was very embarrassing and quite complicated. My demise captured the public’s imagination. It led to the creation of a cocktail that sounds so horrible, I’m sure drinking one would finish me off. Somebody’s even writing a play about it! Though some of it was sympathetic, that kind of attention creates a negative image, overall.

I’ve had trouble finding work ever since.

There’s plenty of help out there for people who operate at my level. I’ve taken to consulting with a seemingly endless string of employment coaches, resume fluffers, head hunters and job yentas with no tangible result except that I’ve spent a lot of money and received absolutely nothing in return except for meaningless advice and good wishes.

In desperation, I’m thinking of contacting Sue Thayer again. She seemed to be the only person who knew what was going to happen before I did and cared enough to warn me about it. If only I had listened to her! I’m wondering if Sue’s insights might help guide me through my next step.

One problem – her eyeballs still give me shudders, and she’s now the CEO of the company I used to lead. Should I contact her anyway, or keep my distance?

In Despair,
Dick Tator

I told Mr. Tator to stay away from this Sue Thayer and all Sue Thayers everywhere, no matter what. Someone who will give you a cryptic warning and not provide useful details cannot be your true friend. Since you were so full of yourself just before your calamity hit, she probably knew you would ignore her advice. Just like most self-important jerks, you went forward, confident that Sue Thayer was loony because you did not like her looks. She got deniability while others took the risk of deposing you. It does not surprise me that she eventually took your place at the head of the company. Instead, I suggest contacting the playwright who is dramatizing the story of your fall. Maybe you could use some of the funds you would otherwise spend on more job counseling to invest in his little pageant. After all – it’s about YOU. Maybe you could make a bit of money?.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

The Baboon Congress

Pi Day

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Today’s guest post comes from Sherrilee.

I’m a geek. I admit it. I love trivia; I love learning things. I have three magazine subscriptions: MentalFloss, Scientific American and National Geographic. I love Star Trek and have seen every episode of The Big Bang Theory. So three years ago when I first read that there are people out there who celebrate Pi Day, I was intrigued.

Pi is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter and is expressed as – 3.1415926…. into infinity. It’s decimal representation goes on forever and never repeats. Since March 14 is 3/14, it has been adopted as the day to celebrate the mathematical constant of pi. There is even a website where you can send Pi Day email cards and see Pi Day videos.

Although I’m not a serious fan of math, Pi Day seemed like a perfect holiday for my inner geek.

Last year I convinced my boss that I should be able to use my floating holiday for Pi Day and then sent out a few invitations to my neighbors. I pulled out all my cookbooks that might possibly have pie recipes in them and poured through them. Over the weekend before Pi Day, I did all the shopping – had to hit three different stores to get everything. I even stopped at the local liquor store and let the sales people recommend three bottles of wine that would “go with pie”.

The weather on Pi Day was wonderful. I was able to open all the windows to get fresh air and the sun streamed into the kitchen while I worked. I made seven kinds of pie: Dutch Apple, Cherry Apricot with Almond Crumbles, Bannoffee (toffee with bananas and whipped cream), Pecan, Peanut Butter with Chocolate Chips on a Pretzel Crust, Blueberry and finally, Crack Pie (gooey butter on an oatmeal cookie crust). The refrigerator had to be completely re-organized and I had to press the fireplace mantel into service to keep the finished pies out of reachof the dogs.

Everything turned out like it should and tasted great. It was relaxing to spend the day in the kitchen and it was fun to have another holiday in March to celebrate.

What obscure holiday do you like to celebrate?

The Baboon Congress

Wireless is More

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Today’s guest post comes from Clyde.

So we got moved into the apartment across the way—clock, socks, and peril. And look at the mess that resulted.

Oh, what a tangled web …
… we weave.

It’s not my fault. All those wires are the result of everything being wireless now. I call it my wirelessness-mess. How does wirelessness require all these wires?

Reminds me of when our company tried to go paperless. Or when the State of Minnesota started requiring payment in electronic funds transfer. Oh, the paper it consumed setting up that process and tracking it in our files–paper files, of course. (Does the State track it in paper at their end, too?) Part of the paperless failure was mine. I simply cannot edit on screen. But the wirelessness-mess is not my fault.

It started with the phones, a slippery slope ending in a massive tangle of wires: a base phone plugged into the phone connection and a transformer plug-in (you know the thing about transformer plug-ins: they want to cover two outlets) and two remote phones with transformer plug-ins. We’ll come back to the phones.

Then it was the TV and Internet system, now wireless: a base plugged into the TV connection and a transformer plug-in and two remote phones with transformer plug-ins. That’s on top of plugging in the TV and the DVD player and connecting the DVD player to the TV.

The computers add their tangled web, too: connections between and plug-ins for the computer, monitor, and printer, which in our cases is a transformer plug-in. Now both computers use a powered sound system requiring another wire into the computer and another transformer plug-in.

Back to the phones. To save money, we switched to a cell-phone house line. But it turns out that our cell phones and that house phone do not get a very good signal in this building. So they give us a little unit, like a mini-cell tower, to amplify the signal in our apartment. But it plugs a line into our TV/Internet modem, and line to a windowsill, and, of course, a transformer plug-in.

In a smaller apartment all these things end up on top of each other. Then there has to be a place to charge the cell phones, cameras, and iPod. I am so glad the chargers have become universal. Plus our most recent ones do not try to cover a second outlet.

A good friend of mine believes that one day our electricity will come wireless. Can you imagine all the wires that wireless electricity will require?

What would you like to untangle?

Songs

H.B., James Taylor

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Today is the birthday of the most extravagantly talented and popular mellow-sounding person ever to record a song, James Taylor.

There is some kind of narcotic effect that takes hold when I hear him sing that I find comforting and pleasurable in the extreme.

Unfortunately, chasing after a similar narcotic effect for his own enjoyment completely derailed Taylor in his younger years and nearly took his life. He may not have made it to this 65th birthday without intervention, treatment and considerable help from family and friends. So let’s be grateful that several generations of music fans got the chance to hang onto James Taylor.

What do you listen to when you want to relax?

Uncategorized

Quiet Sun

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Today’s post comes from formerly reputable journalist Bud Buck, now mired in entertainment and personality news.

Fans of The Sun are aghast at what she has been doing in recent weeks – and NOT doing.

“I’m worried about her,” The Moon told me recently. “This was supposed to be her year to cut loose but lately she’s been really boring and that’s just not like her.”

THE_SUN_768

In fact, observers had predicted that 2013 would bring one flashy outburst after another from the celestial orb, always a daily favorite for those who can’t get enough of watching the stars. The Sun’s behavior has been tracked so extensively that patterns have started to emerge clearly showing a boom/bust cycle of outrageous activity followed by relative calm. The Sun had been on an upswing as recently as last Fall when a widely publicized incident caused considerable chatter.

“For no apparent reason she expelled at least two plumes of superheated gas in a really random, almost casual way,” said a passing asteroid. “We were appalled. You can’t eject stuff like that in a crowded solar system and expect that no one will notice.”

While there were no injuries in the November incident, it was reported as a precursor of outbursts to come. But lately The Sun has settled into a low-activity phase that has some observers predicting we are in for an extended lull. Some have even wondered if the recent “coolness” of The Sun might foretell a chilling effect that could counteract Global Warming.

Others discount that theory.

“Of course The Sun is hot,” explained Venus, also smoldering. “But everyone overestimates how important she is. Global warming on Earth is caused by a build-up of man made pollutants – the Sun has very little to do with it. She only wishes every little expulsion of hers would get noticed.”

But the consensus seems to be that the new quiet spell is only another moment in a changeable series of phases for The Sun.

“I wouldn’t call it ‘settling down’,” said Curiosity’s Mars Rover, which recently had to go into a form of mechanical hibernation to wait through an increasingly rare Solar Outburst. “She’s always going to be The Sun, so there’s unlimited potential there for explosive, really fiery displays. But I watch her all day, every day, and aside from the occasional tantrum that spews a bit of electrically charged hydrogen and helium, she’s been pretty quiet.”

Others worry that this is just a pre-storm lull.

“I wouldn’t put it past The Sun to be holding back – saving up material over time for an upcoming night of extreme craziness,” said another experienced star watcher, the Hubble Space Telescope. “Understanding,” he added, “that when you’re the sun, it’s never really night.”

Describe your behavior in its wildest, most unpredictable phase.

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Snow Camel Diaries

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What do the retirees of Phoenix and the camels of Egypt have in common?

They both got a little tired of living up north. Scientists have discovered camel bones much closer to the North Pole than ever before – about 750 miles nearer than the previous northernmost discovery in Canada’s Yukon. These latest fragments were found on Ellesmere Island. Pretty far north.

Depiction of the High Arctic camel on Ellesmere Island 3.5 million years ago. (Julius Csotonyi)
Depiction of the High Arctic camel on Ellesmere Island 3.5 million years ago. (Julius Csotonyi)

Although we associate camels with the hot, sandy desert, they originated in North America 45 million years ago. Camels were about 30% larger when they roamed the forests of a milder Arctic. Back then, the top of the world was not the frozen wasteland it is today, but it was still plenty cold and also quite dark for half the year. Wide feet and big eyes helped camels navigate the snowy terrain, but there was no adaptation that could help them resolve their personal quarrels about where to live.

Don’t believe me? Alongside the bone fragments, researchers found a petrified tablet bearing thousands of scratches that turned out to be all that remains of a snow camel language.

Monday, September 2, 3 million B.C.,
Joe talked again about following the sun when it starts to go away. Stupid idea! But of course I didn’t tell him that – he’s so sensitive. The sun is a decoration, but he thinks getting closer to it will bring us more light and heat. Like that would feel better? I don’t think so. We’ve always lived here. Why would we want to go somewhere else? At least now I know when I’m going to be uncomfortable, and why. Out there … who knows?

Saturday, September 21, 3 million B.C.
He had a dream. Something about a place without trees. Nothing green. All sand. But it was warm, he said. The sun was big, and high in the sky and powerful and hot. I said, “That sounds like no place for camels.”
“Not yet,” he said.

Wednesday, October 2, 3 million B.C.,
He’s getting ready to go. “What should I pack?” he asks. “Joe, you’re a camel” I say. You carry water on your back. You’ve got what you need – except a good reason.” He says he’s cold and he can feel the light starting to change. And there’s that sun and sand dream. Now he says there are small upright-standing robe-wearing animals in the dream. They scurry around making strange noises and they build pointed mountains. Surreal. Sorry, this does not sound like home to me.

Friday, November 22, 3 million B.C.,
Joe left yesterday. Said the growing dark and the great hot sand dream called him and he could not stay. He asked me to come but didn’t beg. He said someday this place will be cold all the time – a barren, treeless, sheet of ice. Really? I think he’s trying to make his imaginary dusty landscape sound better. But this is the only spot we’ve ever lived. Our memories are here – these woods tell the story of all the camels that have ever been. There’s nothing for us over the horizon, I said, as far as I know. But he insists – someday they will never even know we were here. They will not be able to imagine a camel with a leafy tree in the background and we will forever be associated with sun and sand and heat. I think I get the message. He’s delusional.

But of course he wasn’t delusional. Just far-sighted.

What’s your most traumatic change of address?

Songs

Dukes of Dexterity

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Today might be Mississippi John Hurt‘s Birthday. Or not.

Many sources list the day as July 3, 1893, but there’s a tombstone in Avalon, Mississippi that claims it’s March 8th, 1892. Not that the date matters all that much. I’d be in favor of adding several dozen dates to the list to create more confusion, because any excuse to listen to John Hurt works for me.

Since Hurt was born in the 19th century, he came from a world where “digital content” was something you made with your fingers. One oft-told story is that when the classical guitar master Andrés Segovia heard one of Hurt’s solo recordings, he asked who was playing the second guitar. I like it that we get a chance to see his hands work in this video.

There is more certainty about today being the birthday of another remarkable string player – Bob Brozman. Speaking of talented hands, in this clip he’s a percussionist too.

Ten fingers in good working order – what a gift!

How do you express your dexterity?

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The Marlin Problem

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I couldn’t help noticing that the annual Twin Cities Auto Show starts this weekend.

I went through my automobile enthrallment phase at age 9, at the midpoint of the 1960’s when American cars still dominated the roads. They were big, heavy, and not very well made, by today’s standards. But I didn’t care about reliability or performance. For me, cars were design objects. If they didn’t move I would only have been mildly disappointed. I loved cars for the way they looked.

Marlin_1

One 1965 model caught my eye for its sleekness – the Rambler Marlin.

The Marlin had a roofline that swept back all the way to the lip of the trunk, if it had only had a trunk. An eye-catching feature was a big, flat elongated rear window that had to be huge so the driver would have more than a slit to look through.

Whenever we went on a family trip, I scanned the lanes for a glimpse of one of these exotic vehicles. I still remember crossing a bridge and spotting a Marlin as it sped by beneath us. The car was distinctive for its two tone color scheme – often done in red and black and frequently pictured in advertisements from above and behind.

It was a big deal to see one on the road, because Rambler didn’t sell a lot of Marlins. That was a puzzle, because to me, they were beautiful. Was it because cars aren’t usually named for fish? I can think of only one other – the Plymouth Barracuda.

Now, almost 50 years later, I discover at least part of the truth – Marlins were not all that attractive, and for a very specific reason.

The design of the 1965 Marlin was influenced by American Motors Chairman Roy Abernethy, who insisted that the company produce cars that he could ride comfortably – in the back seat. Meeting that requirement meant the sleek fastback plunge of the Marlin’s roofline couldn’t begin until it cleared Abernethy’s head, and he was 6’4″.

rambler-marlin-car

Abernethy told the engineers to raise the roofline an inch – a change imposed while the company’s design chief was traveling in Europe. The result was an oddly shaped, disproportionate profile. From the side the car that appeared so futuristic from above seemed more like a standard sedan that decided, too late in life, to act young and hip. Awkward!

Describe something that looked good to you then, but now? Not so much.

Poems

Death Complaint Haiku

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My apologies, Baboons, for the absence of a fresh post yesterday. I mis-entered some information in the WordPress machinery and my tidbit languished, waiting to launch at 5:41 pm rather than its usual time at 2 am. This allowed for an extended conversation of Spring gardening plans, which turned out to be exactly the right topic for baboons to discuss on a snowy Tuesday.

The snafu also led to some speculation that I had met an early demise, which is certainly within the realm of possibility, but thankfully it was not true this time. As a human living on Earth, I have noted with chagrin the vast number and variety of possible exits from this life – most of them unpleasant and all of them unjust.

And yet, some days it seems like the universe wants to find memorable ways to demonstrate that it is inherently unfair, causing innocent people lose their lives in unfortunate accidents. I am reminded of this by the astounding case of Mr. Jeff Bush of Seffner, Florida.

Last Thursday, he climbed into his bed only to have a sinkhole open right beneath him. What are the chances?

Bush’s brother attempted a rescue as the bedroom was collapsing, but it was not to be. First responders looked and listened for a sign that the victim was still alive in the hole, but no signal was received. Authorities have determined the body to be “unrecoverable”, due to the awkward logistics of these unexpected openings in the porous limestone that undergirds Florida and several other states.

There are no “good” ways to go and every loss is a tragedy. But this one seems particularly capricious. In fact, an aggrieved person would be justified in lodging a complaint at the Pearly Gates. Though with so many new arrivals having legitimate gripes, a word limit on the appeals would be wise, no doubt.

Could you put it in a haiku?

I.
I had just started
“Now I lay me down to sleep”
What was your hurry?

II.
Piano movers
really shouldn’t text while they
are holding the rope.

III.
Never listen when
any photographer says
“Take one more step back”

IV.
Other times I ate
identical sandwiches
they slid down just fine.

V.
In retrospect that
pricey, stable stepladder
was a better buy.

VI.
That locomotive
was slower than my Harley.
Timing is crucial.

Speaking of timing, later might be way too late. Better write yours now.