Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings Constituents,

Once again another election day has passed and I have been returned to office without a single vote cast against me. There is no one else in Congress who can boast of such a record!

I’m proud to represent the wonderful 9th District and I promise to defend it against all who would belittle its residents and squander its resources. And believe me, there are people who look down on us and think they should somehow have more influence just because their districts include so-called “dry land”.

First of all, “dry” is a relative term. If you look at it on a microscopic level, there is no “land” in Minnesota that is completely “dry”. So then it’s simply a matter of degree! Should some people be more privileged because the terrain under their feet is less damp? I say no!

There’s a lot of chatter in the press right now from smug “firmer-than-thou” territorialists who are snickering over a Minneapolis voting district that is entirely within the boundaries of Lake Calhoun.

Just because no votes were cast in Ward 10, Precinct 3b, that doesn’t mean the area has no issues. But countless re-postings of the original article have occurred under the same heading – “You’d need a boat to vote in this Lake Calhoun precinct.”

This is voter suppression at it’s worst. Or should I say voter submersion?

You should not need a boat to vote! In fact, it is for all the boatless people in my district that I work so hard at my job, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota! They are the ones who need my help – need OUR help – the moist!

I will always stand up and if necessary, tread water, on behalf of those who have no one to speak, or gurgle, on their behalf. This mockery must stop! We should have more polling places in the blue areas of Minnesota’s map, not fewer! Because the future belongs to those floaters who always rise to the occasion and show the necessary ballast to cast their ballots.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

When have you been in over your head?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I am caught in the middle of an unpleasant disagreement between my wife and my biographer over the awkward question of just how amazing I am.

My biographer thinks I’m over-the-top awesome in every possible way – as a thinker, a leader, and manager. She has written volumes about my strategy and my style. She even gives me high marks for the neatness of my desk, both on the visible surface and even the floor underneath where most people don’t check. And I would blush to repeat what she said about the times she’s looked in my drawers.

My wife, on the other hand, thinks it’s hilarious that I have a biographer. “Self-important”, “deluded” and “narcissist” are some of the words she has used to describe my willingness to be interviewed for a book about me.

Dr. Babooner, my emotional side tends to agree more with my biographer’s opinion of me, but my logical side finds it hard to discount my wife’s expertise.

Could they both be right?

Conflictedly,
Pretty Perfect Person, Perhaps

I told PPPP one of the first rules of human nature is that we are eager to accept the good judgement of those who lavish compliments on us. But rather than struggle with a false choice between believing his flatterer or someone who really knows him, I wondered why PPPP neglected to say nice things to his wife about how awesome she is? If he had been doing this all along, perhaps she wouldn’t be so realistic about his shortcomings.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

Attention Civillians!

Winter has arrived and if you have any awareness of what it means to drive under icy conditions, please share that information with your neighbor immediately. It may be an awkward conversation because most people who have been on the planet for more than five years think they already understand what a life-changing difference a little bit of ice can make, and yet we as a species suffer from seasonal amnesia.

As a result, we must all regularly re-calibrate our heads in order to deal appropriately with the likely occurrence of a total loss of traction. Too many people allow the reliable footing of late Spring, Summer and early Fall to become their default expectation. This leads to terrible consequences when things go frictionless in November and December.

The moments that pass between the time you start sliding and the time you stop are terrifying!

That’s why I always try to act like a space walker, no matter where I am.

I stay tethered to a stationary object, move gingerly and always operate under Newton’s First Law – a thing in motion stays in motion until acted upon by an external force.

Once you incorporate that idea into your moment-by-moment decision making, it has a profound effect. So before I start out in any direction, I look to see what kind of massive obstacle is likely to stop my progress. Usually I’m not too enthused about the way things will probably end.

So I stand around a lot and wind up not going anywhere, much.

Yes, people say I’m boring, but it turns out that standing still is also an important part of Newton’s First Law! When the first snow falls, staying put is a great survival strategy. You should try it!

Cautiously Yours,
B.S.O.R.

Share some winter driving trips.