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What’s the Harm in Monikers?

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Names are in the news again.

Holmes

You really can’t fault the organizers of the campaign to banish the uttering of mass-murder suspect James Holmes’ name. If it turns out that he is, in fact, guilty, they want to keep him from becoming famous for committing an unforgivable crime. Shunning is certainly a painful and effective punishment – excruciating even for the most anti-social and maladjusted among us. And if one could truly be left without an identity and so completely erased as to have never existed, that would be profound. But you know how we humans are. We’re always going to slap a title on things, even if it’s “That Thing Without A Name.”

I question the wisdom of turning our backs on evil – it’s much better to remember it and, if possible, tell stories about how it got that way. For my money, the name “James Holmes” is rather ordinary and already quite close to invisible. Sorry for the offense to all the James’s and Holmes’s out there. It would be a mercy to them if the name’s connection with this horror was covered over forever.

Ochocinco

A flashy name can be a marketing tool. Chad Ochocinco is a football player who used to be known as Chad Johnson, but he changed it to be a Latin echo of the number he wore on his uniform – “85”. He was pretty good as Johnson, but more flamboyant and memorable as Ochocinco. He played better as Johnson, got more press as Ochocinco, and was traded to the Miami Dolphins. Chad just got married and his new wife, Evelyn Lozada, let it be known she did not want to become an Ochocinco. So much for the show biz name – he’s going back to Johnson. “Chad Lozada” sounds nice, though. What would be wrong with that?

Mr. Leader

Over in London, Mitt Romney learned how difficult it is to be perfect when everyone is watching every move and examining each word. The British press is aggressive to begin with. They pounced on poor Mitt repeatedly. In one gaffe, the expected Republican nominee gave the head of Britain’s Labour Party by the wrong honorific. The Wall Street Journal says:

Unfortunately, as Mr. Romney was seeking to get back on track, Mr. Romney incorrectly called Mr. Miliband, the leader of the Labour Party, “Mr. Leader.” This is not what he is called, as the local media was quick to point out.

Britain is so overloaded with titled people, it would be difficult for a visitor to keep track. I credit Romney with a good guess under pressure. Why not “Mr. Leader”? I don’t know how the British Labour Party chief is supposed to be addressed. His party is not the one running the government, so would “Your irrelevance” be appropriate? And what about the Brits addressing Romney? That can’t be easy. What do you call the presumptive presidential nominee (but not yet) of the party out of power in the executive branch but very much calling the shots in the legislative branch. “Mr. Squarejaw Pricey Pants”?

Clearly, names are frustrating, provocative and exhausting.

But a good one will take you far.

What honorific would you attach to spice up your name?

The Baboon Congress

One Of A Kind

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Today’s guest post comes from Steve Grooms.

My home is unusual in several ways, starting with the fireplace. It is so ugly that I have often thought about replacing or remodeling it. My home is feminine, with soft curves everywhere: in the roof, in the sidewalks, in the round-top front door, and elsewhere. But in a home where everything is Marilyn Monroe curvy, the fireplace is straight as a ruler. Most fireplaces are wide at the base and then they taper gracefully above the mantel. My fireplace is a straight column, like a big tombstone. Most fireplaces have some kind of mantel for visual relief, but not mine. It is just a big pile of bricks.

According to legend, the fireplace was designed by the architect of the home, Joe Lutz, a man who designed this house for his own family. Joe was a bricklayer as well as an architect, and very proud of it. I’ve been told that Joe sat cross-legged for almost a day on the living room floor, fiddling with bricks to design the fireplace. There are six ways bricks can be combined in construction—six and not five or seven. Joe Lutz finally created a design that would combine all six of those bricklaying techniques. So my fireplace isn’t just a fireplace; it is a showcase of the bricklayer’s art.

Because of its history, I’ll never change the fireplace. It meant a lot to the man who designed my home, and I’m compelled to respect his intentions. I am only the current custodian of this home, and the only appropriate program for me is to be humble about making big changes in the place. The fireplace has rights that are greater than my rights.

And it is one of a kind. I’ve got the only one like it in the world.

US Highway 2 cuts across northern Wisconsin, running east and west. It’s a famous road. Not famous is the tiny town of Oulu, which lies just north of US 2. If you want to go to Oulu, you drive a bit east of Brule to Oulu Rock and follow the big blue arrow on it to Oulu.
Oulu was created and is mostly inhabited by folks of Finnish ancestry. They have names like Aho, Lampinen, Kohlemeinen, Reinikainen and so forth. The town doesn’t have much going for it. Its one unusual feature is a glass-blowing gallery. Other than that, Oulu is another tiny unincorporated Wisconsin town just like a thousand other such tiny towns.

And yet there is one other distinctive thing, something in which Oulu’s residents take great pride: the Oulu Rock.
A very long time ago, people needed a way to spot that little road that runs north from Highway 2 to Oulu. Citizens of Oulu placed a large rock at the intersection and painted the rock white and blue, the colors of the Finnish flag. And they painted “Oulu” in large letters, with an arrow to point the way.

Not long ago, the Wisconsin Highway Department informed the folks of Oulu that their rock had to go. Highway design specifications require the erection of a standard highway sign to point the way to Oulu.
The highway bureaucrats were unprepared for the ferocity of Oulu’s response. They didn’t want no frickin’ highway sign and they didn’t need one because they already had a frickin’ rock. Almost nobody ever wants to go to Oulu, to tell the truth, and if they do want to go they probably know the way already! The Finns of Oulu told the highway department folks just where they could stick their standard highway sign.

The highway department countered with all the predictable arguments. They argued for the virtues of standardization. They said a reflective sign would be easier to read than a rock. They said they operated under mandates from the legislature and didn’t have the power to make an exception like this. They said The Law demanded that Oulu accept a highway sign. End of argument.
Cynics say you can’t beat city hall, but Oulu beat the Wisconsin Highway Department. Civic pride and Finnish obstinacy crushed the bureaucrats and their boring laws. When Highway 2 was widened recently, the Wisconsin Highway Department even helped move the rock a few feet north. And it is there today, proudly pointing the way to Oulu.

No other town in Wisconsin has what Oulu has. There are a thousand unincorporated villages in the state, but only Oulu has a highway rock. It is one of a kind.

What have you encountered that is absolutely original . . . one of a kind?

Songs

Some Songs by Steve Goodman

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Today would have been the 64th birthday of the Chicago singer and songwriter Steve Goodman. Not that we need a reason to spend some time listening to him, but any excuse is good enough to detour into the Goodman archive.

Steve Goodman was born in 1948 and only made it to age 36, but what an amazing accomplishment that was when you consider that he was diagnosed with leukemia at age 20 and fought through the illness and fatigue to make such a lasting impression. It could not have been easy to project the kind of energy and enthusiasm he did through all the pain and discomfort that comes with the disease.

He did it with his pen, writing a song that by now has been in the world longer than he ever was – “The City of New Orleans.” It will still be here after all of us are gone.

Steve Goodman also amazed with his abilities as an interpreter. This is his version of Michael Smith’s song “The Dutchman.” It’s also a treat to watch for the clearly loving and respectful interplay with the great Jethro Burns.

And Steve Goodman wowed us with his dexterity and good humor on old standards you wouldn’t expect a folk singer to attempt.

Steve Goodman was a funny, inspiring and entertaining fellow. And he still is. After they are gone, the world mourns musicians in varying degrees – mostly in proportion to their record sales. I know people who are still broken up about the loss of Elvis, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Buddy Holly – great talents all. The size of their following doesn’t matter as much as they way they connected – like all music it’s still a matter of individual taste and it becomes a rather senseless exercise to contrast and compare.

But if I could bring back one musician from among the legions who left too soon, I think I’d most enjoy hearing more from Steve Goodman.

You have the power to resurrect the singer of your choice. Who?

The Baboon Congress

Metrics Confounded Compounded

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Today’s guest post comes from Clyde.

When science and math people put on a strong push for adoption of the metric system a few decades ago, Isaac Asimov jokingly proposed we needed some other metric units. He proposed several, the only one of which I remember was the Milihelen, which is the amount of beauty it takes to launch one ship. When I worked as a lab tech, my lab mate and I, in response to Dr. Asimov, invented many of our own, especially on Friday afternoons. Most of them I have forgotten, or am unwilling to repeat. Two of them I have included below. I got to thinking we could use a few right now. So here are my offerings:

  • The kilobachman could measure so many things. Lets say dishonesty and insensitivity.

    • The microcheney equals a common everyday lie.
    • The decabeck describes a thumb skewed ten degrees from opposable.
    • The macromartha is 1,000,000 hours of pointless media time.
    • The unbiddenbidenbabble is 15 seconds of careless comment.
    • A mccain mile is the distance is decent man goes to find the larger view. (But the mccain mile has some potholes, the depth of which are measured in decapalins).
    • A Yankee penny equals $1,000,000 of player salary.
    • A nanodale meters the speed of cleverness.

    • The Connelly Constant expresses an ever-lighthearted point of view.
    • The Clyde Constant expresses an ever-lightheaded point of view.
    • A decacoffeesnort is a small bit of humor.
    • A kilocoffeesnort is too crude to discuss.
    • A kilobartholemew reports on the contents of TGitH’s closet.
    • A squarerenee measures yard space turned into garden.
    • Dynohollies express Utube searching skill.
    • Hemisemidemiquibbles are needed to measure rudeness on the Trail.
    • Gusgrits measure the rate of a Northerner’s adjustment to Southern life.
    • The lurker curve is a line below which are hidden unknown wonders and a too-quiet goatherd.
    • A decakilobaboon is a 100-post day on the Trail.
    • Centiblevin equals a ten degree forward nod of the head from boredom.
    • Thirteen duorhondas helped out with Steve’s tree.
    • A centitim equals 100 typing errors.
    • A megahurts measures fibromyalgia pain level.

    • OMGdro’s number: number of pointless text messages sent everyday in America (6.022 ×10 to the 23rd power).
    • Potatoes cubed is what I am working on for supper.
    • An angstdrum holds 120 gallons of fret and worry.
    • Kilowhats measure, well . . . some folks just don’t get it. At all.

I could not think of a good measure for basic human goodness, which says something about me, the state of the times, the media, or all of the above.

What would you name the unit for human decency/kindness/generosity?
(Or anything else I missed.)

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Unleash the F.O.E.S. Within!

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Today’s post comes from Trail Baboon’s Living and Loving correspondent and a man who is a bottomless well of wellness – B. Marty Barry.

Greetings to all my friends struggling against the disappointments that life sometimes brings us – but especially to those 21 select attendees whose feet were burned at a “fire walking” event by motivational speaker Tony Robbins in California last week.

Thousands got charged up by Robbins’ talk inside the convention center, and some then went to a park outside where twelve beds of hot coals had been set up and stoked to more than a thousand degrees to test their individual power, focus and resolve!

Finding the nerve to make your feet go where your brain says “OH MY GOD NO DON’T DO THAT!” is a key step in the “Unleash the Power Within” process that has made Robbins rich.

To quote Robbins’ website, the fire walk is a way to “discover how to break the unconscious fears that are holding you back. Once you start doing the impossible (or at least what you thought was impossible), you can conquer the other fires of your life with ease.”

Many successful participants say the fire walk is a “powerful moment” that helps them transform their lives.

Some academics say successful fire walking is a matter of physics, not attitude.

But for those 21 who were treated for burns and the 3 who went to the hospital, unfortunately no choice remains now but to be completely and forever ruled by those very same unconscious fears that they hoped Tony Robbins would banish.

I just want those people to know that living a fear-based life built around the expectation of failure is certainly no picnic, but it is possible to go on. Many, many people are guided by fear and still manage to lead productive lives. In fact, I have many clients who suffer from Fear Of Everything Syndrome, or F.O.E.S.

F.O.E.S. is not a clinically recognized condition. I made it up one day after I attended a Tony Robbins seminar and he convinced me that I was being held back by my reliance on other people to decide what maladies I’m allowed to treat. Once I started talking to my clients about F.O.E.S., many of them identified with it immediately. I didn’t even have to write a detailed explanation of symptoms – as soon as I said “Fear of Everything Syndrome”, they said “I’ve got that.”

Fear can be good and constructive and useful. It can preserve foot health, for one thing. Supremely confident Wall Street traders and investment bankers might have benefitted from an extra dose of fear back before the housing bubble burst. And fearful people also manage to achieve great things even though they are too frightened to get out in front and lead the parade. You’ve heard of being in the right place at the right time? Sometimes that right place is behind the crowd and the right time is after everyone has moved on!

Some of the world’s most accomplished people are terrified inside. We won’t name any names because they’d probably sue us for defamation – another instance where fear of losing all my money is probably a good thing – but next time you watch a rock star perform on TV or read about a sports star making millions or listen to a politician or pundit opine, imagine that they are not as confident as they seem and that their brains are really just a quivering mass of intimidated Jello.

It will make you feel better about yourself. At least you’re not facing the possibility of some steep losses in personal injury lawsuits, like Tony Robbins!

And remember, even though you may be a total loser and I’ve never, ever met you, I still care about you very, very much.

Only B. Marty Barry would see a case of almost four dozen smoldering feet as an opportunity to drum up some business. Perhaps he’s on to something, though. Promoting Fear Of Everything as a guiding principle to transform your life has probably not been tried before.

When has fear been a good thing for you?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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There is no single Dr. Babooner. We are ALL equally good at dispensing advice.
Or at least we’d like to think we are!

Dear Dr. Babooner,

OK, it’s been super hot lately and the air conditioning in the office where I work has been spotty. So I’ve been trying to dress kinda casual. We have this clothing code that calls for business attire, but its a big office and people don’t get too fussy about it, so I figured there was some wiggle room.

I made the switch from dress shirts to polo shirts without a problem and once that worked, I began wearing sandals that cover most of my foot a couple of days a week. I sit in the back of the room at a cubicle all day long so for the most part, people don’t have to see my body – just my head and shoulders. And if I slouch, they see even less that that, so I’ve been peeling off the polo shirt on some of these endless afternoons just to give myself something to look forward to. That’s how I was able to start wearing shorts. I bring them in a bag and once I slide far down in my chair, I can change below the desk.

Lucky I’m flexible.

It’s gone so well, I’m wondering if there are any limits at all. I’d kinda like to see how far I can go. I’m not talking about total nudity – that would be creepy. But I’d like to be able to say I worked at a desk job where I wore a loin cloth one summer.

Kinda funny, eh? But would it be so wrong?

Daringly,
Tarzan of the Cubes

I told Tarzan that yes, it would be wrong on many levels. Courtesy to co-workers is the main concern – he didn’t say if his body was a treat for the eyes but frankly, how could it be? The odds in America today are heavily stacked against this possibility. And even if he was externally attractive all over, there could be resentment from office mates who would also like to dress down, but lack the nerve.

And most people simply don’t own a decent loin cloth.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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Sea of Tranquility (World)

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Today is the anniversary of the first landing by humans on the Moon. It happened in 1969 when the Lunar module from Apollo 11 touched down in the Sea of Tranquility. Not an actual sea, of course, but a darker area on the moon’s dry surface that was thought to be a sea by early observers.

Photo by NASA/GSFC/Arizona State University

Not long ago, NASA’s Lunar Range Observer took a photo of the area from 30 miles up. The bright spot to the left is the Apollo 11 site. For the people who already believe humans actually travelled to the moon, this is proof positive that a landing occurred. For all the moon hoax conspiracy theorists, flat-earthers and space travel deniers, it is just another bad Photoshop job.

But take a good look at the site. NASA says the area in the photo is about four tenths of a mile across from side to side and from top to bottom.

It just so happens Disneyland Park in Anaheim, California is about four tenths of a mile across from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh on the west to the outer edge of Autopia on the East,
and also from Mickey’s House on the North to the main gate on the South.

Coincidence? I think not. If the current push towards the private exploration of space continues and ultimately includes space tourism as a main revenue source, the Apollo 11 landing site at the Sea of Tranquility (World) will become a significant historic and recreational destination.

Photo by NASA/GSFC/Arizona State University/Google Maps

People will flock there with their families, though they’re bound to complain about that insipid music that accompanies the ride on It’s A Small Step After All.

Invent an attraction to go in (or near) Sea of Tranquility (World).

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Beechly Distances Himself

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Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Congressman Beechly believes in Floater ID

Greetings, Constituents!

I have been pressured by some of you to make a formal statement regarding Rep. Michele Bachmann’s recent charge that Islamists have an undue amount of influence at the highest levels of the administration.

The people who want me to say something about it have noted that other members of Congress have already denounced her as a lazy and careless alarmist who is not interested in the truth, but will lunge for the opportunity to repeat any piece of petty balderdash that demeans another person as long as it supports the flawed narrative she’s trying to sell the American people.

But of course I would never criticize another member of Congress so harshly, even if a genuine war hero like Senator John McCain is providing cover for me. I have made a pledge to myself to not be nasty or judgmental. These are hard things for a Congressman to not do, but I’m committed to avoiding them.

In keeping with that core value of mine, I will decline the opportunity to say incendiary things like “she’s raving mad,” or “this smacks of McCarthyism.”

The McCarthyism claim is one I particularly will not make, because even a single mention of McCarthy can be quite damaging to a person’s reputation. Not only that, but every additional reference to McCarthy makes it worse. In fact, the more McCarthy’s name is mentioned in close proximity to any member of Congress (not just Michele Bachmann), the deeper the hole that’s dug, McCarthy-wise. Some think McCarthy was misunderstood and wasn’t all that bad, really. But putting McCarthy’s name alongside someone like Michele Bachmann’s, like Bachmann = McCathy, is simply wrong, and I won’t do it.

So much of what goes on in Washington DC today is like this – all a big fuss about trying to catch someone saying something that’s indefensible. This game of “gotcha” is an enormous waste of time on both sides of the aisle, and I’m proud to be the sort of Congressman who won’t involve you in such obviously partisan quarrels.

Instead, you can count on me to be your Representative of midwestern fairness and decency in Washington, DC. I will continue to resist the temptation to say provocative things about my opponents, and I will be totally transparent with you about the despicable charges I am being urged to make, but won’t.

Your most decent and humble servant,
Hon. Loomis Beechly

Hmmm. Sounds like the Congressman is trying to avoid getting muddy by denying that he is doing what he is doing while he is doing it. But most of the district (all the water surface area in the state) is built on mud. Will the 9th Districters buy it?

How do you feel about mud?

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Moving Day

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Today is moving day for my son Gus, and while he has migrated in and out of the house many times over the course of his college career, today is more significant than the others because it is potentially permanent. He’s off to Memphis as part of Teach for America. The mission for the next two years is to help high school students understand Algebra – possibly the most important job being done anywhere today.

Good Luck and God Bless.

One math concept we’ve come to understand is simple addition. If you buy stuff for a kid almost every time you see something cute or fun or useful, and you do this for 22 years nonstop and almost never throw anything away, you will wind up with a huge collection of things. The prospect of moving these things out of the house and into a shared apartment 700 miles away has led to some much needed thinning out of the family museum, but even so the rented truck that pulls out of our driveway this morning will be heavy with memories and debris.

Who knows how much of this will fit in the new apartment? Careful plans have been made but we shall see how they measure up to reality.

My first real post-college home was on the second floor of a house just a few blocks from Lake Okabena in Worthington, Minnesota. There were two apartments up there in what used to be the attic. The space was divided down the center with a common hallway and a shared bathroom. I had my own bedroom, kitchen and living room. My housemates were two sisters – they made sure I knew they were of German ancestry – named Matilda and Lucille. I remember at the time I referred to them as “elderly”, although they were probably very close to the age I am now.

I’m sure they were horrified to have to share a roof (and that bathroom) with me – a 20 year old knucklehead with no manners or hygiene. Even now, friends offer sympathy when they find out I had to endure such an arrangement, but I think Matilda and Lucille suffered more severe pain from having to hold their tongues. I needed so much scolding, but it would not be neighborly to just come out and say it even though disapproval can be toxic when it is bottled up. But I knew my activities and associations did not escape notice.

Perhaps it is not such a bad arrangement for a young person to feel so closely watched. If Friday night was so much fun that, come Saturday morning, I could not remember what time I returned home, Matilda and Lucille would be able to tell me. Right down to the minute. The knowledge that one is being carefully monitored can bring some sobriety to the decision making process.

Not a bad thing for a kid on his own, a long way from home.

Tell us about your first apartment.

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Second Banana

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Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I love bananas!

I love them because they have no bones, and because they are the funniest fruit, giving us gaudy color and lots of raw material for pratfalls. Plus, monkeys like bananas, and monkeys are inherently comical whenever they are not biting you.

So it’s hard to improve on the banana for looks, flavor, and how they make you feel.

But there is a weakness – bananas are not like potato chips. When you’ve had one, that’s usually enough. At snack time, people rarely go for a second banana. In politics and show business, second bananas are disparaged – the name itself means that it is simply not as good or as desirable as the top banana.

Second bananas become leftover bananas, and leftover bananas become problematic. They turn all splotchy and can make the room bananodiferous. Imagine a store overstocked with second bananas! I don’t have to imagine it – I’ve lived through it and I can tell you it is not one of the things that grocery people brag about.

That’s why my July special at Genway is the Forever Banana! Using DNA from the giant sequoia, I made a banana that will last several lifetimes! Several HUNDRED lifetimes. Some of the trees in the Sequoia National Forest may be over 2000 years old! Mixing a touch of that sequoia mojo in with your average supermarket cavendish will give you a fruit that’s good at least until November. Of 2299. That’s more than enough of a lifetime to have it stay available for next weeks’ breakfast.

There are added advantages that come with adding Giant Sequoia DNA to bananas –

  • Extra Large Size
  • Super Durable Peel
  • Awe Inspiring Majesty
  • Rings!

And of course there are a few disadvantages –

  • A Little Bit Woody
  • Counter Space Hogs
  • Not A Favorite Hand-Me-Down For Future Generations
  • Sappy Tasting

But these are small drawbacks when you consider the big payoff. Genway Forever Bananas are reliable and sturdy. Steadiness is their trademark. When you need a banana-like fruit, they’re going to be there for you. They’re the right color and the proper shape, and they don’t go bad!

In today’s flashy, wacky world, there’s a lot to be said for something decent that’s available and not too weird.

Thanks for your attention, and please …
Don’t forget to play with your food!

Dr. Kyle

I suspect Dr. Kyle might be thinking more about the Republican Veepstakes than the produce section of his store right now. I’ve thought for some time that the good Doctor is aligned with the Republican Party – he is a long time foe of regulation and government oversight of any kind. His argument for a bland, reliable, durable banana sounds a lot like what I’m hearing in favor of Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty. Of course just because one is asked to join the race does not mean that the answer will be an automatic “yes”.

On which U.S. President’s ticket would you want to be the second banana, and why?