Believe it or not, sometimes I spend an astonishing amount of time trying to find an appropriate topic to feature in a Trail Baboon post.

It’s not that there’s a lack of interesting topics to cover, it’s just that every idea raises questions, and those questions lead to other questions, and partial answers lead to different questions, and then there’s a funny You Tube video of a cat that barks like a dog, and somebody mentions a book that I want to find at the library, Michele Bachmann just said something remarkable, and suddenly it’s midnight. Dang.

Why do I engage in so much aimless, randomly guided research? I like to have all the information and questions answered before getting started on a post, which means I never get started on a post. And towards what purpose? It’s not like writing a blog post is about KNOWING anything. Far from it.

So instead, I offer you a question to consider. It’s something I’m wondering about but frankly, spending ten minutes looking for the answer convinced me that I would soon spend another 90 minutes at it, possibly all within the next half hour. And when it was done, I would have nothing to show for it except an even larger sleep deficit and whatever trinket I might buy on Amazon in the process.

Today is the anniversary of the attack on President William McKinley by Leon Czolgosz, an anarchist who felt he could change the government by taking out one guy. Czolgosz approached McKinley at a reception at the Temple of Music in Buffalo, NY. He held a revolver wrapped in a cloth, and shot McKinley twice as the President reached out to shake his hand. There might have been a third shot, if not for quick action by three men who were nearby. Here’s the NY Times account from September 7th, 1901.

There was an instant of almost complete silence, like the hush that follows a clap of thunder. The President stood stock still, a look of hesitancy, almost of bewilderment, on his face. Then he retreated a step while a pallor began to steal over his features. The multitude seemed only partially aware that something serious had happened.

Then came a commotion. With the leap of a tiger three men threw themselves forward as with one impulse and sprang toward the would-be assassin. Two of them were United States Secret Service men, who were on the lookout and whose duty it was to guard against just such a calamity as had here befallen the President and the Nation. The third was a bystander, a negro, who had only an instant before grasped the hand of the President. In a twinkling, the assassin was borne to the ground, his weapon was wrested from his grasp, and strong arms pinioned him down.

McKinley later died of his injuries, and Teddy Roosevelt became President.

But here’s the piece of the puzzle that interests me – the brave bystander. We hear time and again that in a moment of crisis there is confusion, silence, paralysis. It’s the rare individual who leaps into action and in the attack on Mckinley, one person did, alongside two Secret Service Agents. Until tonight, I’d never heard anything about him.

Who was he? What, if anything, was written about him? Tell me Baboons, if you can, about this quick thinking bystander.

Or, if you don’t have a day to waste on this, tell us about your most successful research project.

Another day, another exclamation-loaded flyer from Wally at Wally’s Intimida – home of the Sherpa Sport Utility Vehicle.

September is “Side With Sherpa” Month at Wally’s Intimida!

Believe it or not, Fall is just a few weeks away. And with Fall comes a change in the weather, but if the events of recent weeks are any guide, that means we’ll simply trade one violent extreme for another!

We’ve seen already seen Drought. Earthquakes. And Hurricanes! All bad!

Michele Bachmann thinks God is sending these calamities to get us to think more like she does. She’s entitled to her opinion, but that sounds a little self-important to me. If God really generates these storms to change our thinking, He’s clearly saying we should all stop being so stingy and buy a new Sherpa!

Why? Only a Sherpa is big enough to withstand the worst that Nature can throw at us. And nature seems intent on emptying the arsenal! The Sherpa can straddle the largest geological fault. It can lean into the heaviest hurricane-force wind. And with 20 cup holders, there’s no reason to worry about drought, as long as you’ve got an extra bendy straw!

Yes, we’re under assault by nature! The Earth is trying to kill us! So why pretend everything is OK by putting yourself in a tiny “green” car that sacrifices comfort to placate the enemy? God is upping the ante and telling us it’s “on” in the Man vs. Environment Contest.

Yes, the Sherpa drinks gas. Yes, the Sherpa exhales carbon. Yes, the Sherpa drips oil. That’s what cars are supposed to do. It’s cultural! The Sherpa is Proud to be an Auto-American, unabashedly hostile to Air, Water and the Earth itself.

Think about the happy times you’ve spent in nature, and think about the happy times you’ve spent in your car. Who wins? Be honest!

So it’s time to choose sides! You can cower while you’re crammed into your electric roller skate, if that’s what makes you feel secure. Or you can Sit Tall during “Side With Sherpa” Month, perched atop the World’s Largest Car!

Climb up and Hunker Down in a new Sherpa from Intimida from Wally’s!
It’s a Mighty Big Car!

It looks like Wally is going with the militant revolutionary class warfare script for his Fall sales pitch. Appealing to the base, or laying down the law?

When have you had to choose sides?

Today’s guest post was provided by a correspondent who wishes his/her identity, gender and species to remain confidential, due to the usual scorn that accompanies such reports.

THE CORNUCOPIA BEE

August 27 2011

Cornelia Copacetic
Gossip Columnist

Calls came pouring in to the Cornucopia Bee, as well as the Bayfield County, Wisconsin Sheriff’s Office reporting sightings of a group of baboons roaming the Bayfield Area Peninsula over the weekend. Five adult baboons and one small dog were reported at a cabin on Roman’s Point on the South Shore of Lake Superior, the Big Top Chautauqua near Bayfield Thursday evening, and the Village Inn in Cornucopia Friday morning. Sightings of groups of 2 and 3 baboons and the dog were reported at area trails, beaches and shops, as well.

Although all the callers noted that the baboons were very odd, they were not destructive to people or place and simply seemed interested in scenery, as well as sites of interest in the area. The small dog seemed particularly interested in one baboon, but our research regarding interspecies attachments have shed no light on this phenomenon. Callers did note that these great apes consumed great quantities of food, beer, wine and coffee, but that as long as they were supplied with the above named items they were placid and chatty.

Spies outside the Cornucopia cabin reported hearing singing, conversations about books, authors, music, baboon children, relatives, area history, and baboon divorces. Food also seemed to be of great importance to the apes. While no actual baboons were captured or photographed, the visitors pictured below confirmed the sightings and claimed they were under the impression that such creatures were plentiful in the region.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Dear Bee Readers, should you sight baboons on the peninsula again, please give Cornelia a call first, then call the Sheriff should that be needed. As far as we know baboons are not native to the peninsula. Other speculation did reach my ears, however, that this may have been a group of Big Foot (or would that be feet?) invading our fair village.

If you saw Bigfoot (or Nessie or a Flying Saucer), would you report it, or keep mum to preserve your reputation?

It’s odd to see news about New York City preparing for a possible direct hit by Hurricane Irene. Even though the chances are still slim at this point, it takes time to batten down so many glittering hatches, so New Yorkers are taking the prudent course by calling off concerts, moving up the timing of sporting events and even preparing to shut down the transit system.

In Washington, they’ve regretfully cancelled the dedication of the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial. Harry Johnson, the president of the foundation that built the memorial, spoke of disappointment and resignation. The dedication won’t happen on the anniversary of the “I Have a Dream Speech”, but there will be other opportunities to celebrate.

“The memorial is going to be there forever,” he said.

And Hurricane Irene will come and go. The sooner it goes, the better. Here’s a famous old song to send it on its way.

Favorite lullaby?