Dear Dr. Babooner,

Things have gone pretty well for me lately. After some unpleasantness at work, I’ve emerged the victor of a messy power struggle. People in the office seem to really, really like me. They’ve been saying I should be King, and while our management chart doesn’t include that specific position, I know they’re right. Still, I’ve been humble about it. It’s better, at times, not to appear overly ambitious. And it would just be a title anyway. I’ve already got the power.

Anyway, there’s this woman in the office … Sue Thayer.
She distributes the mail. I run across her every now and then, stuffing envelopes into the mailboxes by the coffee maker. Lately, whenever she sees me, she blurts out “Beware the Ides of March”. I usually make some joke and walk on, but she gives me this weird goggle-eye look.

Today I saw her and to lighten the mood I said, “The Ides of March have come!”

“Aye,” she said, “but not gone.”

That was freaky. Who says “Aye” anymore, except those geeks who want everybody to observe “Talk Like a Pirate Day”?

So I’ve started to worry. She has ready access to all the letter openers down in the mailroom, and those things can be pretty sharp. Dr. Babooner, should I report her to the HR department? Since I’m the most powerful person in the company, I’m certain they’d fire her.

But somehow, I still wouldn’t feel safe.

Dick Tator

I told Mr. Tator he’s right to be concerned. His position at the top of the hierarchy puts him in a delicate spot. If he complains about the woman and it leads to her dismissal, there might be court action since there’s no indication she’s neglecting her duties. Still, one cannot afford to ignore strange, potentially threatening behavior, or the earnest advice of a Sue Thayer.
I told him he should take a vacation. Immediately.
Egypt is hungry for tourists right now, and there’s always Italy.
But that’s just one opinion.
What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

This is the anniversary of Albert Einstein’s birth. The Nobel Prize winner entered space-time in 1879. Here’s a nice photo of him that proves there’s a place for smart people in radio.

He was a brilliant physicist and a famous introvert, saying:

“My passionate interest in social justice and social responsibility has always stood in curious contrast to a marked lack of desire for direct association with men and women. I am a horse for single harness, not cut out for tandem or team work. I have never belonged wholeheartedly to country or state, to my circle of friends, or even to my own family. These ties have always been accompanied by a vague aloofness, and the wish to withdraw into myself increases with the years.”

OK, apparently Einstein was not the life of the party, though he did enjoy music and jokes. So for the wild-haired Doctor, born so close to St. Patrick’s Day, a birthday limerick that may mis-interpret the theory of relativity:

Albert Einstein knew more than you know.
And he loved to go out to a show.
When he started to dance,
in his short smarty-pants,
He’d get younger the faster he’d go.

Actually he wouldn’t get younger, but he’d age more slowly as he approached the speed of light. I think. The notion of getting younger may come from an episode of Star Trek. That distinction, however, does not fit comfortably into the last line of this limerick, so I ignored it. Once again, accuracy is sacrificed to the demands of art!

Ever change the facts to improve a story?

The scale of the destruction in Japan is beyond imagining, though with each passing day the enormity of what happened there becomes more evident. The terrifying images of debris-laden mountains of water rushing towards coastal towns leave me speechless.

I try to picture what it would have been like to be there. What does one do to protect one’s family and one’s self from such a destructive force, even when given a few brief minutes to react?

The nuclear reactor damage has vast and sinister potential to amplify the tragedy.

I’ve got no silly poems or funny characters who are up to the task of addressing this, but felt it was important to make a space where gentle baboons could have a conversation about it.

Have you ever experienced an earthquake?

This took me by surprise – Daylight Savings Time starts tomorrow, March 13th. We turn our clocks ahead one hour, which will have the effect of making our lengthening daylight hours linger into the early evening.

Sunday night you’ll be able to go out and chip some ice off the sidewalk as a just-before- bedtime stress reliever in precisely the way God intended you to do it – by his own natural light.

Not everyone is pleased with DST. I’m simply the messenger, mind you, but I felt obliged to pass along this rant that arrived by cellphone from an undisclosed location in the north woods. It has been translated (as usual) from the original Ursus Textish.

‘Lo. Bart here. A little sleepy. Just comin’ around.

Late winter, early spring is the time for groggy bears. We stumble around, just like you after a long sleep. Need a little time to adjust.

And it doesn’t help that right about when we wake up, you people start messing around with the clocks! Don’t DO that! Last year I got so confused. Started to feel drowsy at the end of the day and the dang sun was still up! Couldn’t figure it out. Got so tired I just went to sleep in this guy’s backyard. Then while I was sleepin’ his wife found me, and before you know it he’s out there with his video camera!

I knew if I opened my eyes then, I was gonna have to act all surprised and ferocious, and frankly right after I get up my vicious bear routine comes across as a little lame. Annoy me in July and you’ll get a face full of bad breath and spittle, but in March I’m a little bit logy and dry, and a wimpy roar is worse for our overall image than just lying there. Gotta protect the bear “brand”, if you know what I mean.

So I had to pretend to be asleep while they tromped all around me, ‘blah, blah, blah look a the dumb bear’. ‘Guess he got fooled by an early thaw. Blah blah blah.’ No. No I did not ‘get fooled’ by an early warm spell. I’m hopeful, just like you. If that’s my crime, so be it.

And how many different gadgets do you have for taking a picture of something, anyway? Geez! Had to wait until it was dark so I could sneak off. Seems like it took forever for the sun to go down. Dang DST!

Seriously, leave the time alone. Let the day be what it’s gonna be, WHEN it’s gonna be it. You make everything more complicated, and I’ve got enough problems. Can’t get a good night’s sleep, for one.

Your pal,
Bart

He IS a touch cranky, at least until early May. I think it’s hunger, so it’s a good idea to keep your distance.

Are you a morning person?

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned slipping on the ice and wrecking my clutch operating leg. As a result I was unable to drive and started using public transportation, which turned out to be easy and fun, mostly.

Then there was the day I went to the wrong stop one block south of where I was supposed to be, missed my connection and had to wait an extra hour for the next bus to come along. That was my mistake – a consequence of thinking I knew the system when, in fact, I didn’t.

Creating a logical and memorable network is one of the challenges transit planners face. Things that are easy to use get used more often. It becomes complicated when there are jumble of options for riders to de-code – regular busses, express busses, light rail and BRT, (Bus Rapid Transit), in which busses mimic the feel of rail and operate on a completely separate or somewhat exclusive right-of-way.

LRT and BRT are being developed as a system within the system, offering “enhanced” service along “transitways” that are clearly defined. The Hiawatha Avenue light rail line is fairly obvious, and completely tearing up and rebuilding University Avenue over the next few years for the Central Corridor LRT will make the path of that line indelible.

The zoomy looking transit station plopped down in the middle of I-35W at 46th Street in South Minneapolis is a new landmark. When I first saw it, I knew I wanted to go someplace from there. The problem was – where?

Back when there were no roads to speak of, people got around on the rivers, literally paddling their own canoes. That’s why I was tickled to see this – a cartographer named Daniel Huffman who teaches at UW-Madison re-drew the Mississippi River basin as a transit map.

It’s a fun piece of artwork that gets me thinking about the river in a different way, but I’m guessing the Native Americans who used the rivers as transit corridors before the Europeans showed up didn’t need this kind of help to get around. The Mississippi, Ohio and Missouri were perfectly legible without “branding”.

But the new system could use marketing help, and the Metro Council is asking for some. Here’s an excerpt from a press release that invites naming suggestions for the developing LRT/BRT component of the Twin Cities public transit network:

“We’re anxious to see what creative ideas the public has for this exciting new element of our transit system,” said Arlene McCarthy, director of Metropolitan Transportation Services for the Council. We’ll be looking for name ideas that identify this service as a distinct part of our system, while incorporating aspects of the character of the Twin Cities region.”

Intriguing challenge, but how do you collapse all of that into a couple of memorable, useful, descriptive words? What is the character of the Twin Cities region? Yow.
If you have ideas, you can send them one of these ways:

By mail to the Regional Data Center at 390 Robert St. N., St. Paul, MN 55101
By e-mail data.center@metc.state.mn.us
Record your idea at 651-602-1500 (TTY 651-291-0904)
By Fax 651-602-1464
Or just use the online form.

Again, we see the tricky problem of navigating multiple modes of transport. In this case, which path to choose for conveying your brilliant ideas?

Are you good at naming things?

Goats usually wind up in the news for one of two reasons.

1) Grazing on prominent or public lands as a cost efficient way of clearing weeds.
2) Being locked in the trunk of a car, sometimes painted to look like Brett Favre.

Thank goodness it’s option number one this time, as it appears there is no limit to our amazement that goats will do an efficient job of nibbling a field. The latest media stars are a group of animals who are munching away at the Palos Verdes Nature Preserve in California. Among their constant companions are a keeper (goatherder) and his dog, referred to by the L.A. Times as Choi and Troy. You’ll have to read the story to figure out which is which. Ultimately it doesn’t matter – they both have pretty cool entry-level jobs on the ground floor of what may turn out to be our coming goat-based economy.

In the sports department, I’m sorry to say the Chelan High School Goats lost to Granger at the state basketball tournament in Yakima, Washington. You won’t find a lot of high schools flying the goat banner. When it comes to mascots the sports world is heavily weighted towards big cats and birds of prey, but it’s hard to think of an animal more hardy and nimble than a goat. Too bad climbing up the backboard isn’t allowed!

In Potomac, Maryland, there are quadruplets! That’s almost a complete basketball team in one litter.

In the arts section, there’s word in the St. Paul Pioneer Press about a play called “Goats” which is being presented by the Minnesota Jewish Theater.
There are no actual goats in the show, which might be a disappointment for literalists in the audience. But then there were no real cats in “Cats”, either. The production is on through March 27th at the Hillcrest Center Theater, 1978 Ford Parkway in St. Paul.

As long as we’re on the topic of ungulates in show biz, here’s a shot from the MeadowWild Farm Barnies, being awarded perpetually at Barb and Steve’s blog, Out to Pasture.

In a science fiction movie, this is what would happen if those animals clearing the Palos Verdes Nature Preserve accidentally wandered into a top secret military testing area, ate radioactive weeds, got past Choi and Troy and began to mingle with the Hollywood folk.

Crimes Against Nature? Yes, but they’re award winners too!

What current news story might be improved by the addition of a few goats?