Header image: NASA/JPL-Caltech/MSSS/Texas A&M University
Like everyone else, I’ve started my pro/con list for traveling to Mars.
Cons:
Forced long term travel.
Close quarters with near strangers.
No breathable air.
Certain death.
Pros:
Reduced gravity.
No mosquitoes.
Blue sunsets.
That last one was verified in striking fashion by the latest photo from Curiosity Rover – an image of a cobalt disc poised over the crisp outline of a mountain range that only happens to be Martian.
It immediately hit me that the first Earthlings to set up camp there would have the opportunity to write a batch of songs about topics that have long been over-explored back home with the distinct advantage of a fresh set of unique experiences.
A blue sunset, for instance.
Then, somewhat less immediately, it hit me that I could only think of three songs that were specifically about a sunset.
Sunrise, Sunset, of course. But it’s a shared billing.
Canadian Sunset is obvious, but it has as many words as Mars has Canadians.
Red Sails in the Sunset comes to mind but it has too much longing for home to be an effective Martian anthem.
Fortunately, the Kinks took care of everything when they did this:
And the beauty part – the song is already about a pronounced distaste for crowds and a fondness for chilly evenings in close company with a special friend – and both are Mars journey prerequisites!
Although the “special friend” is an accessory you will have to pack or make along the way.
As far as the song is concerned, all you have to do to Martianize it is substitute “What a blue” for “Waterloo”.
Done and done. Going to Mars may not be so difficult after all!
Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th district Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.
Greetings, constituents!
What wonderful news from the surface of Mars – that the Curiosity rover has discovered evidence that the planet went through an extended period when it was very wet, and Gale Crater was a large lake.
That makes Mars very much like Minnesota, notwithstanding the uninhabitable bleakness of its current configuration.
You decide which one I was referring to right there. Hard to do? You bet! Mars and Minnesota – separated at birth!
That’s why I intend to introduce a bill in Congress to make Gale Crater our first off-planet sister state! Is Congress even the place to do that? I have no idea – it’s never been done before!
We have so much in common, including a history of splashing streams and bubbling rivulets leading into large, round bodies of water boasting pristine shorelines and magnificent views.
And I’m sure as Curiosity continues its explorations it will find the same things we expect to uncover on the bottom of all Minnesota lakes – lots of fishing tackle, boots, and beer cans.
Mark my words – the amazing discovery that will cinch it is bound to be something like a hat. Why? Because all the elements are there.
Standing Water means there was a shoreline.
A shoreline means there was shallow water.
Shallow water means sunlight warming the soil, which leads to life.
Life leads to boats, and docks.
Where there is light and boats and life, there will be floating around on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and napping.
Where there is prolonged exposure to the sun on water, there will be hats.
Where there is napping and hats and wind, there will be hats overboard.
That’s just science. I’m serious. Curiosity should be scanning the bottom of Gale Crater for hats. And when we find the first one, I want it to already be a law that Minnesota and Mars are sisters!
Yes, of course I’m an introvert and naturally I’m prone to long stretches of uncomfortable silence. That’s why I rely on the extroverts of the world – they keep the conversation going.
It’s the extroverts out of this world that may become the real problem. It seems the ebulliently sociable are on the verge of being excluded from any mission to Mars.
The tiresome effect of introverts and extroverts being in close confines for an extended period of time is a topic we have already explored here. And all indicators suggest the charm of upbeat, chatty people will wear thin during more than a half-year with nothing to comment on but the same black-and-star-speckled scenery.
When desperate to end a conversation, my fall-back is the generic “Well, I gotta go now.” But locked inside a Mars-bound capsule, there’s really nowhere else to “gotta go” to.
Even short trips can seem endless if there’s someone in the car who needs to manufacture conversation. And anyone who has tried to make small talk can recognize the peril here – in the vacuum of space there’s not much to say about the weather after you agree that you shouldn’t open a window because it sucks outside.
Rather than immediately rule out the extroverted for a Mars launch, I wonder if NASA will consider forming an all-extrovert crew. Yes it would be a talkative seven month journey, but perhaps a TV channel could arrange to broadcast the whole thing live. Some outlets don’t have exceptionally high standards – a group of people saying anything energetically is good enough for basic cable.
But here’s the other problem – what happens after arriving on Mars? Introverts will gain back their strength while quietly pondering the alien landscape, but the likelihood is high that extroverts will feel absolutely lost because there’s no one new to meet.
I’m not one to make iron-clad rules and I certainly don’t want to rob people of opportunity based on personal characteristics over which they have no control, but I wonder if space exploration will ever be a good place for extroverts. Yes, they have many positive and endearing qualities and no one can deny that extroverts are wonderful for loosening things up at a party, but as we’ve seen in countless Hollywood movies, aliens may not be open to the kind of congenial welcome we seek.
So dispatching a landing party that’s skilled in glad-handing and back-slapping could backfire in a cataclysmic way. And after all, there’s no guarantee the extraterrestrials will have backs to slap or hands to receive the gladness.
But even if alien forms of life do have these things, why would they accept our overtures? If they are extroverts they would have already come here and introduced themselves.
And if they are introverts, beware! Nothing is more unpredictable than a moody alien, and everybody knows we can come on a little strong.
Who can blame impatient fans of extraterrestrial life for so closely watching the photos sent back by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover? There’s got to be some kind of critter up there! It’s simply a matter of time before it wanders in front of our camera.
It’s this sort of anticipation that gave us the momentarily famous Mars-rat-(shaped rock).
And it’s the very same level of breathlessness that brings us the latest frenzy over a mysterious light in the distance on one of the Rover’s photographs.
NASA was quick to debunk the alluring spark as a momentary effect that can be easily explained by anyone who understands the physics of sunlight. But for the rest of us who know nothing about the physics of sunlight, the flash is most easily explained as a desperate attempt by alien life forms to get our attention by sending up a flare!
Just as puzzling is why this disagreement over supposed evidence of Martian light technology made me want to write limericks.
I.
On a planet that’s barren and flinty
Shone a light inexplicably glinty
But the experts said “Pooh!”
To the rumors – “Untrue!”
“It’s the lens of our camera that’s linty.”
II.
Martian motion detectors don’t glow,
unless triggered. This much we all know.
Out on Jupiter’s moons,
they’re set off by raccoons
But the wildlife on Mars is too slow.
III.
A mysterious Red Planet beacon
has the UFO translators freakin’.
It means “We’re over here.”
Or else, “Don’t come too near.”
Based on which dialect they are speakin’.
IV.
We will creep like a moth to the light
towards an alien campfire at night.
If we see them, in mobs,
roasting Earthling kabobs
we’ll retreat at a minimal height.
I feel I’ve arrived late to the party because I just discovered plans are well along to recruit people to settle the planet Mars starting in the year 2022.
Your Garden Spot Awaits!
The plan is to send a small group of people every few years until a community is built. Costs will be defrayed through TV broadcast of the proceedings as a reality show, and in addition to being famous the Mars pioneers will have the opportunity to live out their days in the dim light of a dry, cold, airless world!
Did I say “live out your days?”
Yes, there’s a spoiler alert – you don’t get to come back! But that makes sense, because adapting to the Martian gravity will weaken your muscles and we already know that living in space reduces your bone density, so a return to Earth in your later years would just be an oppressive, painful ordeal.
Which, of course, your later years are bound to be anyway.
Clearly this creates a wonderful opportunity for people who truly hate the lives they currently have on Earth. You might as well die on Mars. This is so much better than hospice!
You’re the first Earthling to die on Mars. What does your tombstone say?
Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.
Yo, Bart here.
So I’m seeing a lot of articles about this group of humans who let themselves be locked in a crate out on the barren slopes of a mountain in Hawaii for three months – all to see if they could make interesting meals out of nothing but the kind of ingredients that could be shipped to Mars. You know, freeze dried beef, rice, lentils, dried fruit and Spam.
It’s called HI-SEAS,for Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation.
The project just finished up and you can read all about the different things they did, including exploring around the site wearing “spacesuits” and alternating their meal schedule between pre-packaged dinners and feasts they invented or put together using suggestions from online visitors. I guess one of the best recipes they got came from a professional chef who told them how to make Moroccan Beef Tangine.
That one really hit home for me. We bears are pretty much all about making the best possible balanced meal out of the stuff we can find around the edges of an ordinary campground. Here’s my recipe for Scavenger Salad:
Ingredients:
Twinkies
Doritos
Half eaten Buffalo Wings
Gummi Bears
Marshmallows
Graham Crackers
Juice Boxes
Ketchup and Mustard Packets
Directions:
Throw everything in a pile.
Eat.
It’s kind of cool to look at the ingredients list they had to work with at HI-SEAS. It’s a better selection than we bears usually get. Seeing this, I’m pretty sure I know what I would have done if they’d picked me to be on the crew.
Eat all the cashews.
Eat all the beef, sausage, pepperoni and Spam.
Eat all the peanut butter and nutella.
Eat all the molasses and brown sugar.
Rest.
Eat everything else.
Surviving on Mars wouldn’t be so hard!
Your pal, Bart
What meal do you make when you don’t have the makings for any of your favorite meals?
The Curiosity mission continues to amaze. Not only is it technically sophisticated, it is well documented. Just as with a dad at Disney World, the video camera is constantly running on so we can always remember how much fun the kids had when we went on that long, long trip! Here’s dad’s note in his vacation journal:
By far the highlight was that huge, huge drop off of Space Mountain. I got some great HD footage from the moment our darling little Curio dropped his heat shield. I told him not to dangle it underneath us, but some kids just won’t listen! In the footage, you can watch it fall all the way down, just like last year when my right sandal dropped into the kids’ barnyard from the State Fair Sky Glider. Good thing we noticed which corn stalk it landed next to so we could go back and get it! On this Space Drop, though, there was no doubt the whole point of the ride was to shake you loose. And it worked. Curio has assured me he’s not going to go on a roller coaster ride like that ever again. From now on, it’s 50 feet at a time, and then only if we go very, very slowly!
Too bad there was no camera positioned to get our shocked expressions. It felt like we were going to crash right into the Mars! As it was, we got covered in red dust. Yuk! But if anyone saw us coming in, I’ll bet we made an impressive (and funny) sight!
The directors of the Curiosity mission on Mars are planning a road trip for the rover. Just like so many of us do in late August, NASA will pack the family in the car and go sightseeing. Even though we just got done spending what felt like YEARS in space, we have to look at something new? Can’t we just stay in one place?
Image credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/Univ. of Arizona
Apparently not. In this case the new attraction is named Glenelg, which has some interest for the scientists because three different kinds of terrain intersect there. I don’t know the textbook terminology for it, but basically there’s some stuff that looks like it could be bedrock, some other crater marked stuff that might be quite old, and lots more of the stuff that Curiosity landed on.
Glenelg is a palindrome, and the planners named it thus because Curiosity will visit the spot twice. Once on the way to the base of Mt. Sharp, and once on the way back.
This is how engineers amuse themselves.
Following the travels of Curiosity will be fun if you are the sort of person who happens to find driving very slowly and looking at rocks delightful. Teenage joyriders may lack the patience for this particular trip, but we have the mission planners to thank for giving us a nice variety of rocks to enjoy. Rocks, boulders, outcroppings, chunks, lumps. Mars Rover watchers will see plenty of terrain and will learn many new words to describe dusty red nuggets over the next weeks, months and years.
Here’s what I’m waiting to find out – when Curiosity starts claw at the ground with its shovel, will we say it is digging holes in the Mars?
If a similar rover from another civilization was sent to Earth on a quest to explore some scenic spot where multiple kinds of terrain intersect, I’m certain its mission planners would land it at the Lengby Rest Area in Polk County, Minnesota.
The Red Triangle Inside A Circle Marks Our Landing SpotThere’s Landing Space Between These Metallic Outcroppings!
There are lots of good reasons for curious aliens to do this. For one, there’s a flat parking area, so their rover can be lowered onto an even surface. It would be a particular challenge for the engineers to pick a location that’s empty – my recommendation is to go for one of the first spots you come to – far away from the trash cans, the commode, and vending. But those exciting features could be part of a future road trip for the Earth Rover, once it has found its bearings and established a link with the home planet.
Those New Chryslers Just Get Uglier and Uglier
And there’s summer tourism, of course. People up from the Cities would take pictures of the extraterrestrial machine as it takes pictures of them. Actual aliens would be off-putting and we’d ignore them as long as they ignored us, though we’d talk behind their backs and make all sorts of unflattering assumptions about them. But if they sent their machines, well, that kind of space traveler is a little more approachable. I’ve been to the Minneapolis Auto Show. If it has four wheels, it will draw a crowd.
But the best reason is that Minnesota is home to four different biomes and all four of them come together within a few miles of that potty break paradise between Erskine and McIntosh. There’s Coniferous Forest to the Northeast, Tall Grass Aspen Parkland to the Northwest, Prairie Grassland to the West and South, and Deciduous Forest to the South and East. What a treat for an automated rover sent from a place like Tatooine, which we all know is a desert planet in a binary star system. Those parched taxpayers would want to get their money’s worth, and the Lengby Rest Area would deliver. All this different terrain to look at!
The only problem – the Lengby Rest Area is situated in the median, so the machine will have to cross Highway 2 to get to the good stuff. But that’s just another kind of scientific discovery – do Minnesota drivers brake for exploratory robots? Sometimes you have to go there to find out.
Trail Baboon 