Tag Archives: safety

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Death and Testing

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Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, Civilians!

But while at ease, be sure to stay alert vis-à-vis the signs of an impending heart attack, which everyone should have tattooed on the backs of their eyelids so they don’t forget.

Now that I’ve said that, please also don’t get anything tattooed on the backs of your eyelids! The very idea is gross and dangerous, and you’ll lose sleep, which is unhealthy. I’m not sure why I said it, except that I figured it’s probably something nobody would ever do. My mistake.

I realize there are people who will do anything.

Which is why I’m here. I want to warn you against taking any easy tests that others claim will tell you how long you are going to live.

And yes, that includes the Sitting Rising Test. Especially that one.

If you haven’t seen it, the Sitting Rising Test scores your ability to go from a standing position to fully seated on the floor and then back to standing again. You lose points for using your arms to steady yourself and it also lowers your score if you happen to lose your balance anywhere along the way.

The lower your score, the sooner your toes will likely be permanently pointed skyward.

That’s bad enough! As a rule of thumb, you should never tell people they’re going to die, even though we all are aware that everybody is going to die! There is nothing useful that can come from it.  But when I saw this video of how the test is administered, I was astonished!

As a Bathtub Safety Officer, I must always consider FIRST how dangerous an activity might be IF performed in the bathtub, and I can tell you for certain this one is sure to leave the imprint of a faucet in your forehead.

Do not do the Sitting-Rising test in your tub or shower! There is too much bad footing and too many hard surfaces all around. Plus, the instructions are in Portuguese, which is disorienting. And I believe Rio is a very easy city to get mugged in, which is just another way to fall down and hit your head. In fact, I believe the whole sitting-rising test movement is just an elaborate scheme to get everyone winded and stretched out on the floor so our pockets can be picked.

Anyway, that’s what happened to me when I tried it, minus the pocket-picking part.

Instead, you can take my own trademarked Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty Longevity Test – it’s very accurate and quite simple because you only have to answer one question. Here it is:

Are you the sort of person who will do something because a lot of people are talking about it on the Internet?

If you said “Yes,” I’m fairly confident you’re going to die quite soon!

Yours in Safety,
BSOR

I took the Sitting-Rising test and almost fell down. Then I took the BSOR test and became so concerned, I’m shocked to have lived long enough to even tell you about it! But all of this is quite pointless, since I’m certain I would not want to know the date of my death. I have enough stuff cluttering my calendar as it is – adding a rendezvous with the Grim Reaper would really put a dent in my week. Not to mention the week after!

How do you keep track of your appointments?

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Fear & Worry to Align in Morning Sky

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Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, civillians! But stay vigilant when it comes to bright spots in the sky!

We’ve already discussed the terrible risk posed by Asteroids and Lightning – two glowing airborne things that typically do not have your best interests at heart.

A good rule of thumb for the safety-obsessed (like me!) – intensely bright things overhead are usually a cause for concern.

Any full moon is a great reason to be on guard against strange behavior of every possible type.

The sun is another one that I simply don’t trust. I realize that this glowing orb is responsible for many good things, like warmth and everything we eat, but that doesn’t mean there’s no downside. The sun, to me, is like that generous uncle who is also a bit creepy – always hanging around and often just over your shoulder where you can’t see him, but can sense his presence.

I know I’m not the only one who is worried. Some of the people who write for this blog get what I’m talking about.

And now comes word that we are supposed to look at the northeastern sky just before sunrise this week to witness a conjunction of the planets Venus and Jupiter! It’s wise to question all these things that others simply accept based on propaganda like the following video.

As your local Worst-Case-Scenarist, I would caution against doing everything described in this unless you’re stationary, seated, and completely locked-down. Why?

Looking up in the sky means you’re not looking at the ground, where so many hazards wait to trip you or run into you head-on. The video shows a woman gazing out her window in the early morning light while holding a steaming hot cup of coffee in her bare hands. I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure, about the dangers inherent in this kind of reckless behavior. Gaping in wonder at the sky could cause a person to miss her own mouth while drinking, and she might pour that scalding beverage on her tender skin.

Plus, standing by a window when it’s semi-dark outside makes you a sitting duck for peeping toms and snipers, not to mention real ducks, migrating waterfowl and other natural creatures like bears who love to eat human food and may have already developed a taste for coffee. No one knows for sure what they’re thinking!

One account attempting to promote this remarkable convergence says some people may mistake it “for a UFO.” Not only is it troubling to think that people in the tender early morning hours will look at the sky and be thrown into a state of panic (especially while driving), but Science Fiction fans know that any naturally-occurring astronomical event that “looks like a UFO” can be used by actual space aliens to mask a real invasion!

Yes, “they” know our calls to 911 will be discounted, which gives their landing forces extra time to gain a foothold (if they even have feet – we don’t know!). And if you think the chances of any of this actually happening are beyond remote and bordering infinitesimal, congratulations! That’s exactly what they want you to think!

My advice on this is the same as I offer for most worrisome things – note the hours when this effect will be a fascination for most people, and stay in bed with the covers drawn until it is over!

You will probably be able to leave the safety of your protective cocoon shortly after sunrise, which is not a great sacrifice for most people. Please, sleep late all week in spite of attempts in various media to convince you to put yourself at risk.

Stay vigilant, but with your eyes closed!

Your safety-obsessed friend,
B.S.O.R.

What constitutes “sleeping late” for you?

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A Bolt From the Sky

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Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, Civillians!

After all, it’s summertime – the season when lots of people dream of taking an afternoon nap in the soft grass beneath a shady tree. But before you relax remember this – the outdoor environment is dangerous and unpredictable, and there’s a good chance that just as you begin to drift off to sleep some backwoods cowboy will come riding through your peaceful glade on his ATV (All Terrain Vehicle).

And if you think that’s disturbing, just wait. Because I’m about to ride through your picnic on my ATW (Assume the Worst)-mobile!

Outside is NOT the place to be this summer. Sorry, but in case you missed it, my arch-enemy lightning has recently gone on a spree and is striking people at will.

Lighting is the safety maven’s nightmare – the Ace of Spades – a dealer of almost certain death striking randomly from the sky! This is the reason I became obsessed with security years go, and when it comes to lightning, no one A’sTW more vigorously than I.

People ask how they can be safe outside in a storm and I say don’t go outside! Stay inside! And while you are inside, keep far away from all windows, phones, television sets, reinforced concrete (including floors), electrical things, and plumbing.

Basiclly, if you can suspend yourself in mid-air without any physical support connecting you to the walls or ceiling inside a first floor room that is designed to be a place where you do Absolutely Nothing, then you might be safe from lightning!

Otherwise, you’re exposed.

Even people taking a bath or a shower can be shocked by lightning during a thunderstorm because current can be carried along by pipes and fixtures. Don’t believe me? Here’s a quote from the New York Times about being zapped in the shower:

Ron Holle, a former meteorologist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration who tracks lightning injuries, estimates that 10 to 20 people in the United States are shocked annually while bathing, using faucets or handling appliances during storms. “There are a ton of myths about lightning,” he said, “but this is not one of them.”

Just thinking about that gives me the willies. Now I know the true meaning of “Naked and Afraid.”

So my advice is to stay indoors this summer. Or if you go out, wear a fully insulated non-electricity conducting head-to-toe body suit.

And before you take a shower in the morning, check the weather radar! Sometimes there are good reasons to go to work smelling like you are a bit past your expiration date.

Yours in safety,
B.S.O.R.

I’m wondering if Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty begins each day mapping his paranoia on a worry chart – will it be asteroids or lightning today? After all, either one could strike suddenly and without warning.

Have you had a close encounter with lightning?