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Inspector Goatlock’s Casebook

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I was invited to Inspector Goatlock’s house the other day and was surprised to find dozens of wadded up sheets of paper scattered around the study. Some of them were soggy and appeared to have been chewed. The great detective made no reference to this messy scene, but it was obvious he had decided to re-open some old files. I quietly tucked a damp wad of paper into my pocket and unraveled it at home. Here’s what it said:

A breathless TV news anchor burst into my office and said “There’s a mysterious missile in the sky just off the coastline! Something is going on and I want YOU to figure it out. We go on the air with a live report in 7 minutes!”

I walked to the window for a look. A glowing, jagged line pierced the sky. It looked like the edge of an extremely vertical, quite rugged mountain. I suppressed a deep-seated urge to scale it and calmly returned to my desk.

“What do the authorities say?” I asked.

“They can’t tell me what it is!” he replied in even, measured tones tinged with a hint of pants wetting panic. “They say they didn’t launch a missile and they shrug, thinking somehow that will calm me down. But that makes the story even scarier, because it means someone else launched a missile! Someone whose identity is a mystery!”

I returned to the window and watched the telltale line of high altitude vapor as it slowly dissipated into nothingness.

“Go get ready for your live report,” I told him, “while I make some calls.”

I phoned two friends of mine – one dining in a pasture 40 miles north of the scene, and another pal climbing a mountain 40 miles to the south.

When I got off the phone I strolled out to the TV station’s remote truck just as the anchor went live with his hysterical report.

“We’re at the office of the famed solver of mysteries, Inspector Goatlock. Inspector, clearly we are under attack. Is it domestic enemies, North Korea or space aliens?”

“Ignorance is the real enemy,” I told him. “That was no missile. What you saw was the contrail of an ordinary jet flying toward you at a level, but very high altitude.”

“Nonsense,” he shot back. “This is a vast cover up and you’re part of the conspiracy!”

“That’s an easy and exciting explanation,” I said, calmly. “ But I insist this is an unremarkable jet trail, dramatized by the setting sun, warped by unusual elements of perspective and magnified by the relentless demands of the 24 hour news cycle.”

When he accused me of being a foreign spy, I admit, I bit the microphone.

How did Inspector Goatlock know the truth?

74 thoughts on “Inspector Goatlock’s Casebook”

  2. well, i took astronomy but it was light years ago. i’d guess that when the Inspector went to see his friends he could still see the jet trail but it looked different – sideways or something.
    or the Inspector was faking it – goats are inveterate liars.
    a gracious good morning to You All
    now out to milk – a visiting doe has broken my spirit and my body with her gyrations. i’m hoping we can reach a peaceful settlement this morning. i’m embarrassed, but yesterday i threatened to put her out in the pasture without her blaze orange neck scarf.

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  3. Since a goat would never watch Fox News, Goatlock was not ruled by the hysterical conspiracy theories that influence too many of our fellow human citizens. He and his informants were able to think and observe without prejudice.

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  4. He knows the truth, but he isn’t telling it. All those goats are aliens and in collusion as to this explanation to disguise what they are really up to.

    Sorry to hear about the naughty goat, barb. Must really be something to make sweet-natured you almost snap like that.

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    1. Sugar – 12, Barb – ZERO (and twelve more milkings to go before she goes home)
      i talked to her very quietly this morning (remembering that her goatmom says she talks a lot while she’s milking) and she was standing nicely. then i got complacent and BANG! goathoof in bucket. 2 quarts of milk ruined and bucket contaminated. boogers. said many curse words to her, but in a calm and pleasant voice. 🙂

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      2. Friend of mine yesterday put as her Facebook status: ‘Don’t arugue with a goat’ and updated it later to say ‘Alice didn’t want a pedicure this morning…I sliced open my thumb during our discussion about her feelings on the issue’…

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      3. I remember my grandfather talking about the progression from uff da to fei da to ish da based on milking cows – ish da being what you experienced (though it hovers near a fei da, definitely an ish da if you got splashed). I may, like you, have used more colorful words (though “dang nab it” is my colorful phrase of choice when Daughter is around, I am fond of “f*%kstockings” when she is not…thank you Christopher Moore for the latter.)

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      4. Thanks, Anna. I feel enlightened. I had no idea there was so much above and beyond uff da.

        One of my personal favorites is from Ramona Quimby (of Ramona and Beezus fame), who when thwarted yells out the worst thing she can think of: GUTS, guts, guts, GUTS!

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  5. One goat was clearly the sort of airplane buff that can not only tell you what the airline is that’s flying overhead, but also if it’s a 747 or Airbus 380. Probably even where it’s flying from and to based on the numbers on the plane. The other goat was a pal with either a good recipe for humble pie (or crow) or was just a stall to make it seem like Goatlock needed to talk to two, and was really just a call to check in on a sick chum (lack of selenium).

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  6. Good Morning to all including seekers of the truth if it can be found,

    I think Beth-Ann probably is right. On the other hand, maybe we should explore other possibilties because I think a goat, like Goatlocks, might be capable of solving the mystery in many different ways. He could be bluffing and just made a good guess without really knowing the answer and those other goats didn’t see anything useful. Another thing he could have done is make a quick search on the internet where he found that there was someone who knew the answer and used their explaination. I’m sure there are many other ways Goatlocks could have come up with his answer, although I continue to believe Beth-Ann probably is on the right track.

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  7. The solution has something to do with triangulation- observing the same object from three separate points, with the distance between each point know exactly. Evaluating or measuring the object from those three points and comparing measurements allows one to gage the exact size and shape of the object. I don’t know the particulars of why he concluded it was a contrail, just that triangulation answered the ‘how’.

    Chris
    (but this is pretty darn early to be giving us geography problems, Dale!)

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    2. Yes, Chris and Madislandgirl, your reasoning is closest to Goatlock’s on this one. His spotters 40 miles either side of the central location confirmed that they saw nothing that looked like a missile track. This was borne out in real life by the general public reports of a suspicious missile launch, which came from a much smaller geographic area than would normally be the case. People with a different angle on the object saw it, well, differently.
      That, combined with a goat’s innate sense of what is vertical and what is not, revealed that the object in the sky was not what it seemed to be.

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  8. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Clearly the Inspector has chewed a page from his mentor, Sherlock Holmes.

    Not that I personally think that someone shooting off a missile (besides the government, who would naturally cover it up… clearly Area 51 hasn’t taught anyone a lesson yet), but in this narcissistic (sp?) day and age, it seems unlikely that they wouldn’t have announced it within two minutes!

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    1. Meant to write “Not that I personally think that someone shooting off a missile is impossible. Needed to proof-read that before I hit “Post”

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  9. Morning!

    “…tinged with a hint of pants wetting panic.” Oh, that’s my new favorite line!

    I don’t go in for all these conspiracy theories… jet contrail. Period.
    Now, if you’ll excuse me the music in my head instructs me to put my tinfoil hat on and get back to work.

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  10. i have been traveling and have not heard of the invasion of the missle launchers until turning on the radio this morning. i thought dale was going somewhere i wasn’t picking up on which he was but because i am so out of the loop i missed it.
    it’s pretty obvious that it is swamp gas.

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  12. How about this? Goatlock knew it wasn’t a missile because the mysterious object changed course mid-flight? That makes it more likely an airliner flying in a setting sun at such an altitude that it left a weird contrail.

    That, plus Occam’s Razor.

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  13. Morning, all. (It is still morning.) I don’t have a clever answer or even any answer to the question posed this morning. Just dropping by to say hello.

    Went to hear 97 year old Pinetop Perkins play at the Dakota last night. That was a pretty amazing event.

    Have a great day, all!

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  14. Thirty-five years ago today the largest ship on the Great Lakes, the Edmund Fitzgerald, left Duluth to brave a November gale with a load of iron ore. That voyage of the Big Fitz ended in the single most mysterious and celebrated of all Great Lakes shipwrecks. There are some 6,000 shipwrecks on the Great Lakes, accounting for at least 25,000 dead. Still, it is the Edmund Fitzgerald that is best remembered. It was an astonishing ship in sheer size: some 729 feet long (two and a half city blocks!).

    The Fitzgerald, followed by sister ship Arthur Anderson, tried to avoid the worst seas by taking a wide route far north of the usual shipping lanes, using land for shelter. But when the two ore boats turned southeast to make the run for Whitefish Bay and safety, they were exposed to the worst of the gales and seas.

    Terrible gales are fairly common in November on Superior. This was a “perfect storm” with historically low atmospheric readings and raging winds. The two ore boats bucked winds of an estimate 60 to 86 mph on their run to Whitefish Bay. At some point, tragically close to sheltered waters and safety, the Big Fitz disappeared from the Anderson’s radar screen and made its plunge toward the bottom.

    We will never know what took the Fitz down. There are four theories. For years, the official theory was put out by the US Coast Guard, and only they ever believed it. They thought water entered via defective hatches. Some sailors think the Fitz had structural weaknesses that made it incapable of weathering this monster storm.

    Many sailors noted that the Fitzgerald, lacking critical navigation equipment, ran perilously close to Caribou Shoals, a shallow area near Michipicoten Island. If so, the ship could have cracked its hull in a big trough of water, fatally weakening it. And then many sailors think “the Three Sisters” downed the Fitz. It is sailor’s lore that deadly waves come in a series of three. We know that two waves of at least 25-feet hit the Anderson as it followed the Big Fitz. If the third sister hit and was any worse, it might have simply caused the big ship to punch into dark water and start a quick trip to the bottom.

    Acknowledging the new thinking on the ship’s demise, those last two theories above, Gordon Lightfoot has changed the lyrics of his famous song when he performs in concert. True to his song, Superior “ne’er gave up its dead” from that 29-person crew.

    The bell from the Fitzgerald was removed and re-installed on shore where the Fitz was desperately running when it went down. Tonight at 7 PM that bell will be rung 29 times to commemorate the dead from that mysterious wreck.

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      3. A number of years ago there was a long musical play mounted on the topic of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, a show called “10 November.” It played to good reviews and had its run.

        But it wouldn’t go away. The music continued to be honored by “The Morning Show,” and I’ve always thought that the beauty of one song made the difference. “River In the Sea” is one of the most hauntingly beautiful songs I know.

        The show was eventually shortened and sent out for another strong of performances, including travel. Under the name “Gales of November,” it thrilled a new set of audiences. I imagine it will be put on again.

        Meanwhile, Prudence Johnson has a recording out with the music in this second version of the show. Her “Gales of November” is perhaps the most moving version of the Fitzgerald story available today.

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    4. Steve, I hope you don’t mind if I be a little ticky-tack on a couple of the details of your narrative. Honestly, I don’t remember if the Fitz was ever the -largest- ship on the lakes. By 1975, she certainly was not. We had surpassed 800-footer’s and moved on to 1000-footer’s by that time.

      The S/S Arthur M. Anderson was a sister ship only in that she was also a ‘laker.’ The Anderson was initially built in 1942, along with her twin sisters the Cason J. Callaway and Philip R. Clarke. All were lengthened approximately 10 years later to a total length of 647′. The Fitz was built in 1958 and had only one near ‘sister’ ship, the Arthur B. Homer, which sailed for Bethlehem Steel.

      Otherwise, you’re right on.

      Personally, I’m with Captain Bernie Cooper of the Anderson. His belief was that the Fitz bottomed out on the ‘Six Fathom Shoals’ off of Caribou Island at approximately 3:30, buckled in some of the forward hull plates, and was slowly sinking from then on until she went finally lost buoyancy and nosed down to the bottom at 7:10.

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  15. Morning Babooners:

    I’m back in my rightful place, but had a difficult time rising this morning, so I missed blasting the reveille. Like Tim, I missed the news and this event so I have no theories. I’m just happy to be home.

    Jim, remind me to never get on your bad side if you are ready to make Sugar into goat stew! Steve, interesting theory about the Fitz. Now back to work!

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    1. Well, some goats are for milking and some are for meat. I think Sugar should know that milk goats can turn into meat goats. I don’t know how this applies to people. I’ve found that if people will not behave, very little can be done to change this.

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  16. Too frazzled and irritable to post much now. Perhaps a soothing lunch will improve my mood. I think I know how Sugar feels today.

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    1. Poor lamb (or baboon). Hope lunch helped. Maybe some chocolate and/or ice cream therapy if that doesn’t do the trick? I hope I didn’t send my Monday to you on the winds…

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      1. Thank you for your kind concern. Every Wednesday, the State system in which I work feeds on itself. It is the day we have supervisory and other innane meetings, my path crosses with annoying people from other disciplines, and life is generally more rule-bound and arbitary. I have very little to complain about, really, but people today was more annoying than usual. I have tomorrow and Friday off, so things will be looking up very soon.

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  18. Another mystery for the old goat from another old goat–Social Security/Medicare:
    Been trying unsuccessfully to solve a simple problem at the Social Security website. Went to the office a block away and was told it would be 3 weeks for an appointment ant that I should go online or call. So thought I would try something I got in a letter from our company insurance company (Medica) recently, to call the Center for Healthy Aging, who “will answer all of my Medicare questions.” I did, went through the mechanical identification process, finally got a REAL PERSON, who told me that if I had Medicare questions I should call Medicare.
    Called Social Security, went through the very long mechanical identification process and got a mechanical voice telling me I should call 1-800-MEDICARE for Medicare questions.
    Called Medicare, went through the very long mechanical identification process and answered a series of questions, which told me for my issue I should call Social Security.
    Called Social Security back, went through the very long mechanical identification process again and waited for 45 minutes but got a REAL PERSON, who spent 30 minutes solving my problem, at the end of which she told me that I should use the website. I told her that I could not find how to so on the website. She said that “for an issue this delicate that I needed to talk to a person” as I had just done.

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  20. just so you know, Jim. there’s a goat leg roasting in the oven (with wine, herbs, garlic, onion, taters, carrots, celery and acorn squash) but it’s not Sugar’s. today i put her and Jellybean (her daughter) into the “no man’s land” pen between T and the our Girls. (trying to get her in the mood so she can GO HOME!)
    we cleaned the Girls pen and got things set up for winter (apparently coming tomorrow) and i built a new manger for our Girls. let our Girls in – everyone is happy. munch. munch.
    went to let Sugar out of the “no man’s land” pen and while i was undoing the clips she BIT MY FINGER! stew would be too kind, Jim. 🙂
    now i have to go out and milk her (with a bitten finger 🙂
    i am happy that she is not my goat. and next tuesday, i’ll be even happier.

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  21. Wow, I can almost smell the roast from here, Barb, yum.

    Just saw this mystery on the msn.com page, and now they say it was an airplane. What are they hiding??

    Steve et al. – Years (probably decades?) ago Husband and I saw a play at the Park Square Theater (St. Paul) about the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald. It was narrated with the information then known, alternating with scenes from the event as imagined… very moving, and a little eerie, and I’ll never forget it.

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  22. Hey all… today’s been fun. I’ll be out of town the next three days with no computer access, so I’ll “see” you all on Monday. Have fun blogging while I”m gone!

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  23. 10 November is still one of the most moving theater experiences I’ve ever had. I was excited to see the Gales of November and get a CD of the music – had an old tape of the original music a friend got from Prudence Johnson. This summer we heard Prudence sing at a coffee shop in Bayfield, WI then gave her and her mom a ride over to Madeline Island on our boat – she then sang for us on the dock one of the songs from the show, gave me goose bumps!

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    1. welcome sally. was the ride for prudence and her momset up before you met her in the cofeehouse or are you just a social phenom?
      we love new folks to pipe up and let us know they are there. thanks for speaking up. do it again sometime.

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  24. Evening!

    I was fortunate to be in a production of ‘Ten November’ here in Rochester years ago… yes; very moving; lots of lines embedded in our collective memories both good / funny and sad…

    Nice to have that reference point to relate to the Men of the Edmund Fitzgerald…

    night all–

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  25. A Lake Superior story told to me, his pastor, by a 100 year old Norwegian named Nickolai. He and his cousin in the 1930’s were bringing their fishing boat, essentially a big rowboat with a 5 horsepower motor on it, into their dock near their homes south of Split Rock River during a strong November Nor’Easter. The two cousins had grown up fishing the Loefoten Islands of the North Sea and were the only surviving men of their family from that occupation. They came to the safer waters of Superior in the 20’s. Back to the tale: as they came near shore, the other cousin was washed overboard. Nick had hold of him by the back of his coat and fought to get the boat in despite the heavy seas which had stalled the motor. Nick was a tiny man. It took he thinks more than 3o minutes to make it with his hand growing numb from the water before the boat was dumped on the rocky shore. Their two wives watched all this from shore. So I asked Nick’s 84-year-old wife what that was like watching it happen. She answered in predicatably Norwegian fashion, avoiding any expression of emotion, “Dat vas a bic storm.”

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  26. Clyde, what a great story. While he was alive I counted Ben Fenstad as a special friend. Ben founded Fenstad’s Resort near Little Marais. He was one of those wonderful old Norwegian fishing characters that have mostly disappeared. Ben got caught one day in a small open boat. A storm moved in and got steadily worse. Ben’s outboard feeped out on him, and he eventually had to accept the inevitable . . . blowing all the way to Wisconsin (probably landing very near my Cornucopia cabin). I asked if he was terrified. He scowled at me and waved his hand, “Naww. But dat damn motor, I had to row 26 miles back home the next day.”

    A real ish da day.

    I think Ben’s son told me he saw the Fitzgerald and the Anderson steaming north by his place on their fateful voyage that day. “In those days, cargo boats didn’t let weather tell them when to go. They had their schedules and they went. That all changed when the Fitzgerald went down. Now if there is a real storm, they hang around the harbor until it is safe to go.”

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