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The Pirate Oscars

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Today’s post comes from Captain Billy, pirate skipper of the Muskellunge.

Aye!

Me an’ me boys watched th’ Oscars by satellite TV last night, on account of how excitin’ it is t’ see all them pretty people wearin’ fine garb an’ expensive jewelry. As a rule we don’t allow no pornography here on board th’ Muskellunge, but seein’ all them costly adornments hangin’ off’n necks an’ wrists, all so reachable an’ gathered up in one place – well, t’was was about as stimulatin’ as it gets for me an’ th’ boys.

Afterwards we always has a discussion ’bout th’ Port of Los Angeles, an’ how vulnerable it would be t’ a surprise attack.

I ain’t sayin’ we will, an’ I ain’t sayin’ we won’t.

But one thing we does do for sure is give away th’ Pirate Oscars t’ some of th’ boys on th’ crew. After all, Shakespeare said “We is all actors, an’ th’ world is but our stage”, or some such thing. That’s somethin’ me an’ th’ boys believes wholeheartedly. But of course we has our own categories, such as:

Best Captain in a Leading Role
Best Matey
Best Matey in a Supporting Role
Hand to Hand Combat
Pillaging
Plundering
Robbery
Revelry
Best Song
Best Bawdy Song
Smelliest Garb
Most Awful Teeth
Stubble Design
Best Original Eye Patch
Peg Leg Achievement
Best Parrot

We has a fine time givin’ away our Pirate Oscars, which ain’t shiny statuettes on account of th’ melee what would break out if’n we introduced that much gold into general circulation on board th’ ship. Instead, each winner gets a flagon of grog, which he has t’ swallow in it’s entirety right away.

It adds t’ th’ merriment. In fact, th’ awards for Revelry, Best Song an’ Best Bawdy Song takes forever t’ give away, on account of th’ acceptance speeches goin’ on pretty much nonstop for th’ rest of th’ night. We has to give away th’ rest of th’ awards over the din, an’ we is all hoarse an’ happy by th’ next morning.

Ain’t that right boys?
Aye. They says ’tis.

Yer Pirate Pal,
Capt. Billy

I have no doubt that the Captain and his boys have a fine time with the real Oscars and their own, more personal awards. But it seems to me they could reduce the number of categories and significantly shorten the night. Aren’t “Pillaging” “Plundering” and “Robbery” the same thing? Still, when dealing with sensitive egos, sometimes it’s best to give everyone more chances to win.

If you awarded Oscars to the actors in your own life, what would the categories be?

40 thoughts on “The Pirate Oscars”

  1. For my father: The Strong Silent Man of Few Words Award
    For my mother: The Little Girl Pretending to Be an Adult Award
    For my brother: The Patient Kindness Award
    For my ex: The Puer Aeternus Award

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  2. Good morning. I think giving out awards is a bad idea unless you do it like Captain Billy and just have fun with it. So what could I come up with for the people in my life? I don’t know. Could we have an award party that honors everyone? Everyone at the party would get an award for having made it through the year and they could say whatever seemed appropriate when they get their award.

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  3. Patience,diligence,persistence,creativity,adaptability,loyalty,genuine to thine selfless,get over inability,enjoy the moment,make the most of what you’ve got, and best hair.

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  4. Morning–
    This week it would have to be:
    Messiest painter (I would win that every time)
    Most clueless
    Diva
    Supporting Diva (Multiple winners)
    Scatter brain
    Supporting Scatter Brain (Multiple Winners – myself included)
    How about ‘Best Intention with No Follow Through’?
    How about ‘I said that but I meant this’?
    or ‘I know I said that but I didn’t mean it’?

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  6. Most Unshivered Timbers
    Most Swash with the Least Buckle
    Most Deserving of the Plank
    Captain Bligh Morale Award
    Biggest Butt at the Scuttle
    Billy Budd Naivete Award
    Moby Dink
    Groggiest
    Ishmael Cell Phone Use Award
    Ahab Award (Most Easily Stumped)
    Hardest Tack/Saltiest Pork
    Halsey Bull Award
    Lord Nelson Award (for Best Pickles)
    Loosest Cannon
    Dampest Powder
    Shortest Fuse
    On the Other Tack
    Biggest Head

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      1. My mind was built to free-associate. Plus Mr. Tuxedo and I had a long discussion about sailing and sailors 100-300 years ago.So somethings were right there in the front of my ever-shallower mind.. I like the Ishmael reference and am wondering if anyone got the Lord Nelson reference.

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  7. Scurviest Sea Dog for my naughty terrier. Our almost new home computer started making a terrible grinding noise on Sturday evening, so I will not be able to post much until it is fixed. Right now I am at work.

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  8. I like Crystal Bay’s “Patient Kindness Award”, which I’d have to give to Husband;
    to Mom – Perseverance and Flexibility Award
    to Nephew – Generator of Great Ideas Award
    to Step-Son, who just passed test for contractor’s license – Hanging in There Award

    Slightly OT: The workshop I was at this weekend had Pirates for its theme – oh man, I wish I could show you the photos I have of the costumes! We also had grog (non-alcoholic, though), sang sea shanties, and took up a collection to pay for the live music (added at the last minute) so the organizer wouldn’t have to walk the plank.

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  9. “Pirates” brings up a the perfect opportunity to grant an award to my younger son, Steve: Most Creative Kid in the Universe Award. Six years ago, my older son commissioned him to build a pirate ship at the top of his 6-year old son’s bedroom. A year ago, someone posted several images of this pirate ship on Youtube and the story went viral around the globe. Here’s a peek:
    http://fancycribs.com/17350-awesome-pirate-ship-bedroom-by-steve-kuhl.html

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      1. Among these pictures are a couple of the spiral slide Steve also installed for his brother. The opening was hidden in a hall closet door – the slide took people down to the large sport court where my other son had a climbing wall and a huge virtual golf course.

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  10. Excellence in Telling You What Not to Wear, But Gently (Or When You Have Something Between Your Teeth/When Your Clothes Are Riding Up/Pulling String or Detritus Off From Where You Can’t See It) – everyone needs a pal like this, perhaps two so you can have one for work and one for away-from-work

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  11. There is an award that could be handed out to a person I know, but I had better not say who they are. I would be in trouble if I named the person who I think should get an award for the loudest belch. I’m sure that some day this person will let out a belch that will blow out all of the windows in a room

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    1. I knew a woman who claimed that when she was terrified she would emit a thunderous belch. When she was living in Chicago, she woke up one night to see someone sneaking around in her apartment in the dark. Sari couldn’t help herself: she let out a belch that shook the walls. The thief ran for his life.

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      1. That’s the kind of belch I am talking about. I will tell the person I know that they might be able to us their belch for protection from prowlers.

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  12. Most hurricane-like cat goes to the kitten, Nimue, who got into my studio twice over the weekend and also knocked over a lamp in the living room.
    Most transparent teenager goes to the Teenager, who waited until we were coming in the house from the bus ride from downtown on Saturday night to ask if she could have an extra hour before curfew. (I was expecting this question the second the lights came up at the Orpheum.)
    Most directionally challenged to myself, who managed to get turned around a parking lot once.
    Most dust bunnies to my bed, which needs help badly!

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  14. Greetings! Gosh darn — missed the Oscars again as we have no TV reception or cable. I love watching the Oscars. That was always my special night to take over the TV. And the Tony Awards. {Sigh} Award for Best Kids Ever would have to go to my 3 boys. Anyone who can help me land a good fulltime job will get the Angel on Earth Award. Dale definitely gets Best Blog Writer award. And you baboon lot get Best Supporting Writers award. Huzzah!

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  15. A dear friend–and an amazing and fascinating person–from my U of Chi days posted on fb today. (Been wondering why he was so quiet.) A person deserves some kind of an award for living through this:
    “We own a two story house on a slab overlooking The Rogue river in So Oregon. FEMA, a federal agency, has 1) declared our first floor to be 3 ft below their 100 yr river flood plane. FEMA compliance requires that the rugs, the computer room, the bedroom, the bathroom, one meter of drywall, and the woodshop (I make fine furniture) on the first floor be removed. In 38 yrs, this “walk in basement” has never come even close to flooding yet FEMA has forced us to buy $250,000 of flood insurance at a cost to us of $190,000 for compliance repairs and lost living space value at resale.
    “Being upset, we went to Europe to forget about our sorry-ass city. Upon returning, I got pneumonia. Then was diagnosed with a kidney tumor, recently removed. I need to take happy pills to stay out of jail until we can sell our house and move to Sacramento Calif. to be with Barbara’s family. Then maybe I can relax and pursue a lawsuit.”

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