The Baboon Congress

Dr. Bossy Pants

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Today’s guest post is from Renee Boomgaarden.

I have an image problem in my family that I am at a loss to change. I am by nature bossy and controlling. My children learned early on that they ignored my advice and expectations at their peril, not only because they would be in trouble, but because I was usually right.

After my son left for college, I knew that he had to make his own decisions, and that I had to back off, only giving advice when he asked. It wasn’t a hard transition for me. He is a sensible guy. He married a sensible wife, and together they do well. It recently became apparent, however, that Son hasn’t caught on to my changed expectations in our relationship. I guess I was supposed to make a formal announcement that he could disagree with me without fear. This misunderstanding came to light last month in Cavendish, Prince Edward Island, on a tour of the house that Lucy Maud Montgomery used as model for Green Gables, home of Marilla Cuthbert, the ultimate old bossy pants.

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The author of Anne of Green Gables grew up in Cavendish within walking distance of a lovely farm house with green trim. Relatives owned the house, and young Lucy played in the forest glades around the house, turning them in the Haunted Wood and Lover’s Lane in her books. The house has been lovingly maintained. We planned to spend a day in Cavendish exploring the Green Gables site and then hitting the beautiful pink beaches just north of town. I had heard a weather report that rain and clouds were going to move in to the area in the early afternoon. My son had his heart set on the beach. His wife and I were excited about both beach and Green Gables. Husband was happy with whatever we did.

After we had toured the house and the Haunted Wood, I innocently suggested to Son that perhaps we could go to the beach in case rain set in, and then walk the Lover’s Lane trail afterward. He agreed. No one else objected. We piled into the rental car, and then the trouble began. Son caught on that his wife was worried that we wouldn’t make it back to do the Lover’s Lane trail. He got upset at me because of my “insistence” that we go to the beach immediately, and husband started muttering about my “control” issues. Son angrily turned the car around and we went back to walk the trail. I kept saying that it really didn’t matter to me, I just didn’t want people to be disappointed in the beach if it rained. I realized, then, that Son still interpreted suggestions and ideas from me as direct orders, and he felt caught between obeying me and keeping his wife happy. I got really steamed that neither Son nor Husband would believe me, so I walked by myself on the trail while they walked on ahead.

That probably didn’t help the situation.

We managed the rest of the trip through PEI and Cape Breton Island with far less drama. We really did have a great trip, but I am still thinking my way through this image problem. At least now I have a handle on the source of the trouble.

What are some key differences between the way you see yourself, and the way others see you?

61 thoughts on “Dr. Bossy Pants”

  1. Heavy topic today, Dale. It seems that however we parented so many years ago creates residuals in our adult kids. I could live to be 120 and my kids would still project my old way of being onto my newer, more mellow, less dramatic way of being from time to time. Recently, I had the foolish urge to mention to one of my kids that he never asks how I’m doing (our dialogues are 95% focused on what’s happening in his life) to which he aptly replied, “Well, that’s because I know that you’ll tell me without being asked!” He had me. I will insert anything of importance without prompting. It’s taken me decades of repeating self-defeating behavior to ultimately move into a really sweet space of being the kind of mom I wish I’d always
    been, but I’m “there” now. I empathize with your being sandwiched between your son’s dual relationship, though (meaning son/husband). Kudos to you for being so insightful, Dale.

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    2. If you get a chance, watch the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation version of Anne of Green Gables with Colleen Dewhirst portraying Marilla. Many scenes were filmed in PEI. The production is wonderful.

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  3. Good morning. I am a rather defensive person. I get into trouble when I am fairly sure I am right and someone doesn’t agree with me. Thus, there are times when I might be seen as a stubborn and difficult person when I am just trying stand up for my for what I think is right. I am learning that it is not good to get too carried away with defending my position.

    I recently had a plan for redoing the finish on the front steps of our house. I went along with a change in plans that has worked out okay and I am not sure that my plan was better. The rejection of my plan did leave me a little upset, but I managed to not get excessively defensive.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your story about your trip, Renee. Nice picture. It is hard to avoid some disagreements when traveling with family. I think you did well to end up with just one disagreement of the kind you described.

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    1. “Oh, the dreadful cosiness of family life” We found PEI a wonderful place. The residents were helpful, friendly, and gentle. It is very beautiful, It is connected to the New Brunswick by a 6 mile long bridge that was built about 15 years ago. Before that the only way to the island was by ferryboat. The islanders had to be pretty self sufficient, and the place is full of dairy and beef farms and lots of produce farms. The earth is bright red,and the beaches are pink.

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  5. i have accumulated the ability over the years to be very choosy about the items i plug into the perception of myself and have also noticed that others choose different personality quirks to include in their perception of the person living inside this mortal coil i carry around.

    i am a very wonderful person, one of the most wonderful people there has ever been, i have lots of work to do to get to nirvana but i am enjoying the journey and find the sidesteps i make along the way informational and the spice of life.

    my family sees the world through the a different lens. they notice little things like the jobs i begin and ge around to just a little while later. they notice that i collect things with every intention of fixing them up or tweaking them to prepare them for selling and end up with an abundance of stuff that is being stored at a very convienient location to be listed on the craigslist sales when i get around to it. i have visions, lots of visions on how to make the world better how to make a better mouse trap how to help with the challanges we all face and my family notice that while i am fixing the world my hosta garden needs weeding and the ceiling in the basement has a spot that needs repair.

    its difficult to be a prophet i find and the old saying that you become more of an expert the further you are from home has a lot of merit.
    10 years ago i started preliminary stages of a water treatment advisory and implementation company aimed at the chinese need for water and soil clean up. my company was greeted as the american savior of the day and asked to sit on stage with the heads of state and organizations who oversaw the cleanup efforts of the area. my partners in the company didnt get it why we were seen as the experts and were received so warmly when others had the same technology and a clearer understanding of how to proceed in the complex web of red tape that is chinese government these days. it was because we were the new guy and we were form america on the other side of the world. sometimes just playing to the perception is all thats required.
    in the instance of renees sniveling little twirp of a daughter in law i think all you can do is wait for her to grow up and be thankful for being included on a family vacation. the beach was stormy and cold wasn’t it when you went there in the afternoon? its hard being the one who thinks forty seven steps ahead and having to try to explain it to those who live in the one foot in front of the other tunnel thinking of the agenda as it is written approach to the world. my chinese endevour fizzled because i had partners that wanted all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed before they made a move. i was listening to the opportunity and wondering why they didnt see that there were a hundred different options at how to become the water whiz kids of the universe. the fixes we offered were very good fixes and very doable and when we discussed them with the hundreds of comapnies we discussed them with the plans could have been implemented with ease but…. other people see it differently. if you see yourself as capable you battle others who question you. if you see yourself as ill prepared you will have a hard time following others encouragement while you focus on the shortcomings you see.

    its not how i see myself or how you see me but it is how i see how you see me that affects how i go forward. its a fun brain twister that has a little merit.

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    1. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call the daughter-in-law “a sniveling little twirp,” I would suggest that she does need to learn to speak up for herself rather than whining to her husband; in the long run, that’s a slippery slope to conflict. That said, if dr. bossy pants does in fact come off to other people as controlling, perhaps she needs to have a private, friendly chat with d-i-l and tell her that it’s OK for her to speak up for herself, especially to Renee. Good luck in developing a good relationship with your d-i-l, Renee.

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      1. I love my DIL very much, and she does need to be more assertive. I think the biggest problem was Son’s reluctance to disagree with me. If he can’t, how can she?

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    2. Anne Shirley saw herself as a romantic heroine, and Marilla Cuthbert saw her as a flibbertygibbit fly-by-night. By the end of Green Gables, Anne had become responsible like Marilla wanted her to be, but Marilla also came to appreciate Anne’s lively imagination.

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  6. RISE AND SHINE BABOONS!

    This is a topic so deep and wide I hardly know where or how to start. I have had a true influenza this week. This caused me to miss work and feel weak and tired. I may just wait a while to answer this–my brain still feels too addled to be insightful, but I am enjoying everyone else’s answers! Thanks for the blog Dr. B.P. Renee.

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  7. Pretty sure I walk a fine line between She Who Knows Many Things (both useful and not) and being an obnoxious know-it-all. A lot of my friends also walk this line and so are understanding (and, thankfully, not competitive about it). My current group of co-workers seems to see it as an asset and I get treated like a reference librarian a fair amount (is this an acceptable use of a semi-colon? Do you know how I can find out ___?). Keeping myself from being Ms Smarty Pants Who Is Way Smarter Than You, So There, well, I do my best. Not convinced I always do it well,.

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    2. I HOPE I’m walking that fine line. Like you, Anna, I’m surrounded by friends and loved ones who are also a little toward the “over-educated” side of the spectrum, so I don’t stand out much most of the time (sorry, baboons, but this includes you all). In my family, it’s another story. On a trip with my mom and siblings to the St.Louis Zoo, the Child and I were squatting down looking through a fence at several kinds of birds and there were several Nene Geese right in front of us. To be truthful, I would not have known these were Nene Geese except that a sign with their photo was right in front of us. However, due to my travels, I do know that the Nene is the state bird of Hawaii. I was telling this to Child when Youngest Sibling erupted behind me about what a smarty pants I am (not her exact words). I wish I could tell you that I was contrite about this accusation. Later in the day I bought Child a t-shirt at the zoo gift shop with a Nene on the front.

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  8. Lovely topic, Renee. Human relationships are just difficult. But when you talk about some relationships that are in transition, things get far more tricky. While I loved being a father (and still do 🙂 ), I remember how tricky it was when my daughter was growing up and becoming independent. We can’t help judging a person based on what he or she has done, and yet my daughter would often tell me that I was locking her up in old perceptions and that was changed now . . . more grown up. You want that to be true, and yet it is hard to forget her mistakes, especially when she seems to be repeating them.

    And, obviously, there is no simple answer for any of this. For me, I could find no more clever response than to love my daughter and keep hoping she was making the progress she said she was. And then one day it was true! I could let go most of the concerns of a father and slip into the mode of someone who cheers her on all the time.

    As for how accurately I see myself, that is one of the greatest challenges in life, and one I try to work on daily. Because I see how others delude themselves about how they behave, I have to know that I struggle with errors of self perception too. I challenge my perceptions of myself by constantly referring to any objective evidence that might correct my errors. I’ll give a silly example. I’ve been saying for decades that my high school years were a horror show, with me failing socially and academically. That was a story I liked to tell. Just weeks ago I recalled that I graduated 13th out of my class of 213. That’s not a stellar academic record, but it is much better than I have been thinking. Oddly enough, it takes a real effort to think of myself as someone who got pretty good grades. The other story was funnier.

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    1. I didn’t make any trips such as your daughter is taking when I was her age, Renee. I think that It would have been better if I had been encouraged to take a trip like that. On the other hand, I do understand why a parent would be anxious letting a daughter or son do that.

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  10. Oh, let me count the ways! Let’s see, I think I am a good, decisive driver; Husband regards me as somewhat aggressive. I like to think of myself as detail-oriented, able to see little things that need to be done; others see that as nit-picking. I see my self as open to new ideas; my sister used to see that as wishy-washy. You get the picture.

    Taking a trip with FAMILY, you can almost guarantee some old stuff will surface, Renee. I admire your ability to /consider/see how your other family members are thinking – I suppose that’s why you’re a therapist.

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    1. I can’t even imagine taking a trip with family. I’ve told here about my parents’ one and only visit here. They didn’t behave as if they were guests in my home, and I was greatly offended by that. Our relationship never evolved from the parent/child stage where they felt entitled to criticize and judge everything I did. When I visited them, I always was mindful that I was a guest in their home. It would never have occurred to me to make critical statements about the food served, their furnishings or anything else, but they had no such compunction.

      I find it interesting how a character trait can be seen as positive or negative depending on the lens through which it’s viewed.

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      1. How did you learn civil behavior, PJ, when it appears that your parents did not serve as role models?

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  11. I see myself as hot, especially these last few days! No, seriously, I think people’s perception of me depends entirely on how well they know me. I think some people get the impression when they first meet me that I’m standoffish. I’m a bit of an introvert, and often feel awkward is social settings with people I don’t know, so I suppose that could be interpreted as standoffish. Once I feel comfortable with people, it’s usually not a problem. Having had a successful career in office management, I suppose I must have been perceived as capable and confident by those who hired me. While the capable part was generally not an issue, I sometimes had to fake the confidence.

    I don’t spend a lot of time anymore worrying about what other people think of me. I have reached a stage of my life where I realize that I have to be true to myself, and feel comfortable in my own skin. But I’m a work in progress, I’m pretty sure I won’t quit making mistakes until I die.

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    1. I will always remember what my Dad said about what other people might think of him when he was near the end of his life. It was a time when he was being kind of aggressive about handling some issues at an assisted living place where he and my mother were staying. He said they can think what they want about me. That isn’t my problem. As you said, PJ, there are times when there is no point to worrying too much about what others think about you.

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      1. Snort! Well, if you’re hot you’re hot, and there’s no denying I’m hot at the moment. And of all days, my car picked today to malfunction. As soon as I turn the key in the ignition, after a second of whizzing and buzzing, the engine turns over and a loud electronic beep occurs every two seconds or so inside the cabin. I’m attributing it to heat stroke, but who knows what’s up. It’s rather distracting and irritating to tell you the truth. Anyone have any ideas? I called Jerry my SAAB whiz and he says he’s never heard that complaint before, but he’ll listen to it tomorrow.

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  12. I gave Son a reall fine example of my fallibility early in our trip. We flew from Fargo to Chicago to Halifax without problem. Flying makes me anxious since I don’t like depending on others to get me to where I need to be on time. We arrived in Halifax at 11:00pm, made it through Immigration and Customs just fine, grabbed our suitcases, (I made sure that I got the correct one-it had “Dickinson” my home town, emblazoned on the airline tag) and took a cab into Halifax, a 30 mile trip. We arrived at our hotel and I was preparing to go to bed when I noticed that something was amiss with my suitcase. Where did these photgraphs of unfamiliar old women in strange hats come from, and why were there two enormous bottles of A-1 Steak sauce nestled amongst the clothes? I realized to my horror that I had grabbed the wrong suitcase off the carousel, and had inadvertently deprived Andrew Dickieson of his suitcase. By now it was 1:00am and the airline baggage office at the airport was closed. Son took over, phoned United Airlines, and was told that we should report to the baggage office when it opened at 5:00am. I was mortified. Son scolded me for always being in too much of a hurry. I couldn’t sleep at all. Husband and I took a cab back to the airport at 4:30am, and there was my suitcase. We and the airline arranged to get Mr. Dickieson his suitcase. He was staying in Halifax, too. I wish I could have asked him about the steak sauce, but I never got a chance to meet him in person. Son kindly didn’t bring up my error for the rest of the trip.

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  13. There are times when we really need someone to take over. Taking the wrong bag at an airport would definitely be one of those for me! Just since this spring, my 41-year old son (the youngest child) has begun to take over a few things in my simple world. Things I’m lousy at doing, that is. This has come through to me not only as a intervention, but sweetly protective. A year ago his Mother’s Day gift was hiring a landscape crew to do the massive spring clean-up out here. It’s really gotten to the point of being “too much” for me as I lack the stamina of past years. This landscaper noticed that there wasn’t a boat at my dock (recall wasband got the boat with no dock; I got the dock with no boat in our settlement?) and inquired about working out a deal: he would dock here in exchange for spring & fall clean-up. I agreed, but our hastily-formed agreement was rather loosy-goosy and we ran into several speed bumps. Concerned that I wasn’t clear-headed and assertive enough, my son stepped forward and insisted on carving out an iron clad contract for this season and had several go-rounds with the guy. He then learned that I’d said “yes” to an acquaintance last fall to rent part of my 2.5 car garage for only $50/month and this man proceeded to overflow the entire space and forgot to pay me. Again, Steve intervened (after telling me this amount of space would go for $300/month!). He sent letters and left half a dozen voice mails. To this day, there’s been no response, but the point is he tried. He’s become aware that his mom’s an easy mark.

    Since he’s a man of all trades with his whole-house reno business, he’s also become my own personal Angie’s List. If there’s an electrical issue, his main electrician is out. Plumbing issue? Got it. Two days ago, I discovered that it’s not a good idea to never turn on the central air for two years then expect it to work. My HVAC man said it’d be 10 days before he could come to fix it; Steve had his favorite HVAC guy out here within the hour! Since these tradesmen vie for jobs through my son, they’re really intent on doing well by his mother. They also seem reluctant to charge the going rates. Last summer, his #1 house painting crew cut me a deal for about half what the market was charging to paint this 120-year old cottage.

    I never expected Steve to step in like he has, but it makes me feel far less insecure about living alone out here and it warms my heart.

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  14. At lunch I picked up my electric bass guitar from the music shop where I had taken it to have the strings adjusted. The clerk is a friend of my daughter, and was somewhat incredulous that I played that instrument. I guess he doesn’t see me as someone who would do that.

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  16. Everyone in the world is quite mad, except for me and thee. And sometimes I have my doubts about thee.

    The traits children object to most in their parents are the ones they dislike seeing in themselves. I know this firsthand because I just returned from an epic 8 day road trip with my daughter. Epic because we made it back without strangling each other.

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    1. Nice to hear from you, Donna. Have you heard in the news that Mount Rushmore really is in North Dakota? Triple AAA says so, so it must be true. Where did you travel with your daughter?

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  18. This is a timely post, Renee, for those of us who are reading The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter for Blevins’ book club. The central character, John Singer, is deaf, and can’t converse with the people around him except by writing notes. As a result, they are inclined to attribute to him the qualities they want him to have, rather than seeing him as the person he is.

    I’ve occasionally suspected that my tendency to be introverted and quiet has led certain people to misjudge me, and to ascribe to me the personality they find appealing. Although I can converse freely with people, I don’t always make the effort. There’s a price to be paid for that.

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    2. I knew there was some book this question reminded me of… Holy Goat, I believe BBC is THIS Sunday, isn’t it?

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  19. I’ve been misjudged as such a quiet and gentle soul that some people have told me “I can’t imagine you ever getting angry.” Maybe that’s part of the price to be paid for being introverted and not a nonstop talker – people think that I don’t possess common human emotions. (I don’t see how anyone can imagine that another human being never would get angry. Seriously? I’m not a rock, I’m a person.) I imagine that because I am an introvert, I am constantly misjudged. For instance, sometimes when I’m quiet in a group, I’m sure that people think I am in harmony with them, while sometimes I am trying to not laugh out loud at how ridiculous they are, or I could be screaming with frustration on the inside.

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    1. You know, this means we’re all going to watching you a lot more closely at book club to see if you are twitching from trying not to laugh!

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      1. I honestly wasn’t thinking of book club or any other baboon gathering. I have some groups of friends/acquaintances/neighbors (cellmates?) where I feel like a misfit and a couple individuals who honestly drive me batty for a number of reasons (one of whom would qualify for the role of Queen Bossy Pants). If I laugh when I am at book club, I can do it out loud because I’m laughing with people not at them. 🙂

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