Ask Dr. Babooner

We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m not a bad person, but I’ve had trouble in my life that has everything to do with the inappropriate places where my arms, and to be more exact, my hands, wind up.

I won’t go into too much detail here, but it has been brought to the attention of law enforcement by several people (shopkeepers, women I’ve known, and women I haven’t known), that my mitts tend to violate certain legal and ethical boundaries.

Usually I say something like “I didn’t realize I was doing it.  That hand has a mind of its own!”

And usually that explanation is rejected as just so much bunk.

But now, there’s scientific evidence that the octopus has smart arms that really do work independently of the central brain!

Dr. Babooner, this news gives me hope.  If mind-of-their-own appendages can be a real thing for hideous deep-sea creatures, isn’t there a possibility that I suffer from the same condition?

I’d like to start an emotional support group for people with Octo-digititis, a term I just made up to describe those whose fingers are autonomous and unprincipled.  I know this might be a tough sell, but if you were to sign on as an adviser, it might give us the heft we need to be taken seriously as an afflicted community.

Would you consider it?  Name your price.  Given enough time and the opportunity, I’m pretty sure I could get my hands on whatever it takes to convince you to join our cause.

Groper Lightfingers

I told ” Groper Lightfingers” that Dr. Babooner does not lend her “heft” to any cause, especially not one which is simply a glorified excuse for poor behavior. Blaming the newly revealed mechanics of octopus locomotion for your trouble is an insult to cephalopods everywhere. Octopi are social creatures with “smart” arms, while your out-of-control extremities are clearly anti-social and exceedingly dumb.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

30 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. Good morning. Lightfingers, I agree with Dale. You have a problem which you can’t solve by claiming you don’t have any control over your hands. I think you need some help from B. Marty Barry. He doesn’t know you, but he cares a lot about you. Through him you might find out that something in your trouble past has caused to think that your hands are out of control and you are not responsible for what they do. Is there some trauma in your past such as being deprived of love and understanding at an early age?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. And if B. Marty can’t help you, maybe you can sign those talented hands up with Cap’n Billy and th’ boys.

      But pl-ease do not attempt to compromise the sterling integrity of Dr.Babooner!!!


  2. Nice try, Lightfingers. You can come to where I work and every Monday night you can hang out with other guys just like you who have the same excuse as you and who have to meet with their parole officers and attend group sessions for an indefinite number of years to work on their poor boundaries and thinking errors and develop safety plans so their hands and other body parts don’t reoffend.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. GL – You are as spineless as an octopus and less charming. Get over your (presumably) white male privileged self and put your hands in your pockets. Keep ’em there. You may remove them to bathe, eat and write checks to non-profits that support women’s groups. And do not, as MIG said, besmirch the sterling reputation of Dr. Babooner.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I like enlisting B. Marty Berry and Cap’n Billy (although I’m not sure the Captain is the best influence…) in re-organizing your mind, GL. There may be others in the constellation of Baboondom — maybe you could have a sort of “Outward Bound” experience with Bart the Bear. I’m sure BSO Rafferty would have a thing or two to say to you. Dr. Larry Kyle could conjure up SOMETHING, I’m sure, that would help. The mind reels at the possibilities.


  5. A vaguely related topic: we are watching the Twins, or Sandy is and I am stuck in the same room. They promote an event for girls, a running event, I think. I only catch the end of it. So it says something like it promotes fitness and self-image in girls. AND the “Fox Sports North Girls” will be there, who if you do not know are 2-3 young women chosen for the role by fan vote entirely for their appearance. At least they are more cute than sexy, but I am sure you see my point.


  6. Y’know, I was very tempted to go into a diatribe supporting GL’s position in an overly sarcastic way to mock him. But yesterday was really a bad day for me and I just don’t have the energy.

    Dear GL,
    Contrary to some mens’ cavemanesque beliefs, women are human beings, not your personal playthings. Your hands are not sentient beings that just happen to keep your wrists from fraying at the ends. If you can’t learn to think with the big head, maybe you should be strung up by your ghoulies until you learn some basic manners.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Well, OT but the damage estimate thus far for daughter’s vehicle is at $25,000 and we aren’t finished with it yet. I think it is a total loss.


    1. buy it back and she can drive it for another 5 years and not have to feel bad about parking lot dings. i drove my teenage for 100 miles after the insurance company totaled it. it had dents and drove fine.


    2. sell the tranny and engine for 1000 each the radio for 250 the tires for a couple hundred. it is unbelievable what the parts selll for. radiator 1000 spark plug wires 50 hub caps for 50 for the set electric window motors 100 each electric door lock control 100 cable form door lock to hoor handle 50 x 4 . it goes on and on. each littel engine part is 50 bucks each littel other part is 50 bucks. you could spend a year adding 5 parts a week to your ebay store selling parts and making 200 a week and then go buy anothe wreck and start listing it. i looked at it woth motorcycels years ago and it is unbelievabel business.

      but you might suggest to your daughter that she stop touching other peoples cars. its not a good idea.


  8. Dear G.L:
    There are already support groups available for your condition. Most of these are associated with the phantom pain that often accompanies amputations but perhaps phantom touching and thieving could be addressed. Reach out to (but don’t touch) the Mayo Clinic. In the meanwhile, I advise you to heed the words of wisdom from The Georgia Satellites, Keep Your Hands To Yourself

    Liked by 1 person

  9. im thinking the octopus doesnt get near as much enjoyment out of touching as you do gorden lightfoot. you played a nice 12 string and now we know why it all those extra strings. you like the feel of them
    here you are with your 6 string. im not sure you should stop touching those strings as everyone here ont he trail suggests. i think the instrament sounds much less satisfying if you stop touching it.


  10. OT – I’ve been waiting for Steve to share this information, but since he hasn’t, I will. So many baboons were instrumental in helping Steve get his sweet house on Juliet ready for sale, and I know we all know how much Steve loved his quaint little house, I think everyone will want to know this latest development

    I saw on Facebook, first thing this morning, that this neighborhood gem is slated for demolition. The new owners intend to replace it with a much larger house. Considering the size of the lot, I can only imagine what will be going up in its place. I know the St. Paul baboons who get the local news will have already seen this news, but others might not. Steve is understandably shook up about this. I’m glad he isn’t here to witness it.


    1. There are many of these, including one just around the corner from Steve’s at Palace & Cretin. Lots on Hartford and Eleanor east of Hamline. This Strib article talks about the company that’s behind it.

      There goes that one-of-a-kind fireplace.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. its funny that the neighborhood can rally against college students and against landlords of rental properties but doesnt have a plan for keeping absentee developers form becoming the newest cancer in the neighborhood. im sure they will try to buy 4 or 6 properties on a corner that would allow for an apartment complex for the upscale on the rise neighborhood now in the developers sites.

          Liked by 1 person

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