Billionaire Donors Wanted

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents, but especially the rich ones!

I’m writing today to tell all billionaires whose fabulous homes border my district (lake shore property is expensive!)  that I am available and willing to talk with them privately about any issue they feel is important enough to possibly merit a sizable contribution .

I’m not saying that I will change my position to entice  mega-donors, but on many of the topics that matter most to the super-rich, I’m still formulating my opinions.   I’d love to hear more about what influential people have to say , and as the Supreme Court has already reminded us,  money is speech!  So speak to me, already!  I can’t wait to hear your voices mingling with the rustling of your cash as you rush forward to press more of it into my hands!

Although actual contributions will only happen if we already agree on the major policies of the day. I am a highly principled public servant and a man of the people.  But like most human beings I feel more agreeable around vast sums of money.

And for my less-well-off constituents, a side note.  Don’t be overly concerned that I am groveling before and buttering up these super-rich donors.

Yes, just like you, I like piles of money.  I like them in the same way anglers love big, fat walleye.  I’m always hopeful that I’ll land one, but I’m not going to let my lust for reeling one in  drag me into the lake.  

And if you’re concerned that I’ve said too much and now the ultra-rich will know that I only see them as fish – bless you for caring but worry not!

Mega-donors don’t read fundraising letters.
Mini-donors don’t read fundraising letters.
Truly, nobody reads fundraising letters.

Everyone has stopped by the 301st word, which is this one.

At any rate, the sort of supporter I’m seeking has already handed this off to a minion, who (hopefully!) has used the information on the masthead to schedule a private conversation.  Because the super-rich don’t contribute to political campaigns based on the sort of words that just anyone can hear. They base their support on the private things I say that can’t be traced, quoted or repeated!

And what are those things?  Political blah-blah-blah, and probably nothing you would find too memorable.  Honestly, even I can’t recall.  But I assure you that if I ever compared someone a big, fat Walleye, I would consider that a total compliment!

Your Completely Honest Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

When money talks, do you listen?

41 thoughts on “Billionaire Donors Wanted”

  1. Money stopped talking to me the day I took out a reverse mortgage a few years ago. Wasband walked with all of the retirement funds, so at 60, I faced a future with no way to retire. Taking out an RM instantly relieved my anxiety about the future. I tend to look at this as “eating my walls”. Another way of looking at it is that the bank has taken out a loan on the value of my property and any funds I take out are their repayments to me. Other than interest accruing and hefty closing costs, these funds belong to me if I need them. Only when I die does the amount taken have to be paid back. I’ll let my kids worry about that!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. nice to have you back in good form clyde. you are hitting on all 6 cylanders. scary to think about what youd be doing if your body was working too


  2. Several times when I have been in court testifying as an expert witness, the opposing counsel has tried to paint me as someone who is saying what I say just for the money. They change the subject hurriedly when I explain that I am a salaried employee of the State of ND and that I get no financial gain from my court appearance and that the State is paid for my time, not my testimony.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, I do. I’m rather mercenary when it comes to money. I’ll pay more attention to Benjamin Franklin than to George Washington or even Andrew Jackson. But the really attention grabber for me would be Woodrow Wilson on the $100,000 bill.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. With no equivocation, I pronounce Doug Hughes a hero of mine. Doug Who? He’s the Florida postman who landed a gyrocopter on the Washington Mall to protest the obscene role money plays in national politics today. Washington politicians, predictably, want to ignore his cause and throw a hissy fit about “security.” Americans have the best national politics that money will buy, and now an old postman faces nine and a half years in prison because he had the courage to say so.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. OT but a serious threat to ND culture-The recent freezing temperatures in the state may have rendered the rhubarb toxic. We won’t know for a couple of weeks, and we have been warned to make sure we don’t use rhubarb with wilted leaves, a sure sign of freezing and potential toxicity.


      1. Well, our local school board is sort of concerned that bore holes drilled on the land upon which a new middle school is to be built revealed a large area of coal 30 feet down that will probably have to be removed before construction starts. Think of all the money that would be wasted if the coal vein caught on fire after the new building was constructed.


      2. What a premise for a murder mystery-Murder at the Church Potluck, in which Mrs. Olson dispatches her rival on the Altar Guild with a slice of poison rhubarb dessert. It could be a real money maker!

        Liked by 5 people

        1. What a wonderful find, Clyde! That would be like trying to kill someone taking MAO inhibitors (a class of antidepressants) with a cheese souffle. (You can’t eat cheese if you take an MAO inhibitor.


        2. Hope this goes after Clyde’s discovery! Not only did you find Death by Rhubarb, but it appears to be a series. HClib doesn’t have it, but I’m asking them to try other libraries. At the price, I may just order it from Amazon. Hope it’s fun because one of the other titles in the series is The Cornbread Killer. Hard to resist!

          Liked by 2 people

        3. I’m planning on bringing a rhubarb dessert to the next book club meeting. Good thing my rhubarb is from Minnesota… or is it?

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Good morning. My problem seems to be that I don’t listen when money talks. Several people who have commented today also indicated that they have trouble hearing money talk or something like that. Baboons apparently tend to have problems engaging in conversations with money.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sure, I’ll listen, but depending on what it’s saying, I may or not act on it. In truth, I find money a terribly boring subject. Money is a means to an end, I have no desire whatsoever to amass a fortune. That’s a very good thing since I’m not likely to!


  8. Money and I have long, meaningful, chats. We play games. Money says, I’m over here, and you know you need me…

    And I drop everything and RUNNN N !

    Liked by 2 people

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