80 thoughts on “It’s been mice talking to ya!”

  1. On his deathbed, an old miser worried that somebody else will get his money. He called in his doctor, his priest and his lawyer, divided his fortune into thirds and gave each a third, making them promise they will put each portion into his grave when he is buried. At the graveside the three each toss in their third. Years later they meet and the priest hems and haws and finally says “I’ve felt guilty for a long time. Before the funeral, I spent some of the money on a homeless shelter.” The doctor looks relieved and said “I also spent some of the money on a children’s wing for the hospital. They turn to the lawyer who sputters “I’m shocked, shocked to hear that your betrayed the old man. I threw in a check for the whole amount!”

    My mom doesn’t like lawyer jokes but my dad (a lawyer) thought it was funny!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    I can’t remember many jokes–two at a time is my max. My favorite joke is so politically incorrect and condescending towards men that I can’t write it down here. It also reinforces my ambivalence about political incorrectness, which can be both wildly funny and judgmental towards the other. I have another example which may become a blog.

    I am laughing just thinking the joke though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Last night on my way home from Open Studio, I heard a rebroadcast PHC. Keillor told a great old Ole and Lena joke.

      Ole and Lena had been unhappily married for over 50 years. They finally decided to get a divorce, so they saw a lawyer.

      The lawyer says Ole, you are 91. Lena, you are 88years old. You made it all these years! Why now?

      Ole says: Well, we stayed together for the kids. They finally all died.

      Liked by 4 people

    2. One of my favorite movies of all time is Blazing Saddles. When I first saw it in the theatre I just about fell off my seating laughing. I still love it but I wonder why, since it is so wildly inappropriate. If anything like it came out today I wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot pole. Maybe because it skewers everybody and it isn’t mean? It’s a mystery to me.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. There’s a lady I know in the theater; when she was in college out in LA, Cleavon Little came to the apartment door for a date with her roommate. She said he had that silky smooth voice in real life. And then she does an imitation of him asking ‘Is Stephanie here’.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. i have a joke analysis book by isaac asimov in a box somewhere the breaks down jokes into catagories snd talks about why each appeals.
    it makes me smile to think of jokes in each catagory

    Like

    1. Asimov has a short story about a group of man discussing how nobody knows where jokes start. So one man spends a few years studying the question. He discovers that they are planted by aliens to study human behavior. At that point all the jokes disappear from everyone’s head.
      Reminds me of “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish” Which is a pretty good joke.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Two lightbulb jokes:

    How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None – It’s a hardware problem

    How many lighting technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    None if the d*mn actor would stand in the light we gave him. (Or: None. It’s a lamp.)

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I have a friend who used to share tasteless jokes with me, for that was what we both loved above any other kind. Our favorite was the one about the penguin who asks a repair guy to help him with his car because it is leaking oil. While the mechanic works on his car the penguin ducks into an ice cream shop . . . and that’s all I’m gonna tell.

    But I love this joke from the 1950s. A man gets on a bus. He is annoyed by a passenger who keeps snapping his fingers over and over. He finally boils over and yells at the guy to stop.

    “I can’t stop,” says the other passenger. “This is my way of keeping rhinoceroses from attacking.”

    “You silly ass. There isn’t a rhino within a thousand miles.”

    “I know! I know! It’s working!”

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Guy walks into a bar. Has a parrot on his shoulder.
    Bartender asks, “Where did you get that?”
    Parrot answers, “I don’t know. It started out as a little bump on my butt.”

    Liked by 9 people

    1. three guys are in florida all retired and talking in the coffee shop

      i was a owner of a men’s store, suits hats shoes .. terrible fire started and i knew that retirement was my best option
      second guy says i had a factory with100 workers. one night a fire started and that was the end of it
      i moved here to florida.
      third guy says i had a warehouse with a good business and then the flood came through and wiped me out…
      the other two looked at each other and said
      how do you start a flood?

      Liked by 2 people

  7. My mother’s favorite joke” Did you hear about the woman who did not know the difference between v\Vaseline and putty? All her windows fell out.
    Yesterday a student from the early 70’s posted a picture he came across of me doing a silly pose. (Two small girls behind me showing only their arms, like that Hindu god. Shiva?) One of his classmates who I barely remember posted under the photo “OH, but his (meaning me) jokes were awful. They were just stupid.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. But kids’ jokes are supposed to be stupid! Kids go through a phase where dumb jokes are the best ones. I remember a bunch from recess at my grade school. “What is black and white all over and is made of cement?” “I don’t know. What?” “A newspaper.” “Hey, newspapers aren’t made of cement!” “I just threw the cement in there to make it harder.”

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I taught senior high.
        A trait of the intelligence and creativity is a love of humor, which I noticed, included dumb jokes.

        Like

      2. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill?
        “Here come the elephants over the hill.”

        What’s the difference between and elephant and a grape?
        Grapes are purple?

        What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
        “Here come the grapes.” Tarzan was color-blind.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. A man was out driving in the country when he passed an apple orchard. In the orchard was a farmer surrounded by little pigs. The farmer was holding one of the pigs up so that the pig could eat apples off the tree. The other pigs awaited their turn.
    The man stopped his car and got out. “What are you doing?” he asked the farmer.
    “I’m feeding my pigs” was the reply.
    “Doesn’t that take a long time?”
    “What’s time to a pig?”

    Liked by 4 people

  9. A man goes to prison and the first night while he’s laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, “44!” Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
    He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, “72!” Followed by even more laughter.
    “What’s going on?” he asked his cellmate.
    “Well, we’ve all heard every joke so many times, we’ve given them each a number to make it easier.”
    “Oh,” he says, “can I try?”
    “Sure, go ahead.”
    So, he yells out “102!” and the place goes nuts. Prisoners are whooping and laughing. His cellmate has tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
    “Wow, good joke huh?”
    “Yeah! We’ve never heard that one before!”

    Liked by 4 people

    1. My two favorites concern 4-year old boys. Parents spend weeks preparing the little guy for his first experience in church. When they take him in, Mom says, “Honey, this is God’s house”, to which he replies, “Where’s damnit ?”

      The second one takes place in a Target check out line. He asks his dad, “Where do babies come from?” Dad says “The stork brings them”. Little guy then asks, “Well then who f___d the stork?”

      Liked by 2 people

    2. (Does anyone else have to sign in each time to post?? This is pretty annoying)

      Your joke reminds me of something that happened in the airport. A full hour before taking off, a long line of passengers formed and just stood there. I asked one of them, “Why are all these people standing in line this early?” He said, “Because a couple of people started standing, then a few more, then the rest”.

      I once stood in downtown Mpls and pointed up at the sky, going, “Can you believe it?” The chain reaction of dozens of people looking up and pointing was pretty funny. To me, at least.

      Like

  10. I’s pretty long, but worth it if you’ve got time…

    One dark night outside a small Minnesota town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
    When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
    Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
    From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
    Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norse old timers jumped off right into the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old Norwegians had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
    The grateful company president announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
    “Vell,” said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f***ing truck!”

    Liked by 6 people

  11. What an appropriate topic today!
    I give out ‘Emergency contact Sheets’ to the cast of each show. And I always add some silly questions at the end just for my own amusement. Plus it gives me a little glimpse into the kids.
    We’re in rehearsals for ‘Peer Gynt’, which is based on Norwegian Folk tails. And one of my bonus questions was to tell me a Lena and Ole joke. Out of the 20 people, most didn’t know what a Lena and Ole joke was.
    One kid googled it.
    One drew me a picture of a cat.
    But I got two good jokes:

    Ole Jr comes home and says ‘Dad, I have the biggest feet in third grade. Is that because I’m Norwegian?’ Ole says ‘No, it’s because you’re 19.’

    Lena told Ole to take out the trash. So he went for a walk.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I used to ask a dumb question at the end of some tests just as a joke. About 80% of the kids would cite that as examples of my stupid jokes. The other 20% participated. The questions were for non-extra credit.

      Like

  12. Two Cannibals are eating a clown. One says ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

    Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

    Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire. One says to the other, “I hate my mother-in-law.” The other says, “Then just eat the vegetables.”

    Liked by 3 people

  13. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of ‘Being and Nothingness’.
    He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

    Liked by 4 people

    1. There was a nice variation on this two weeks ago in one of my favorite TV shows: “The Americans.” It was a joke told by a Russian to a Russian.

      A guy goes in a store and says, “I already know, you are all out of meat.”

      Storeowner says, “You got the wrong store. I’m out of fish. The store out of meat is down the street a bit.”

      Liked by 1 person

  14. A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

    “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

    She replied, “How about $50?”

    The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    “You’re finished already?” he asked.

    “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari.”

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Here’s my favorite ever:

    I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He used a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

    AND–

    How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A FISH!

    Liked by 3 people

  16. It is apparent that Trailbaboon people have recordings of PHC’s Annual Joke Show.
    So here goes with a politically incorrect joke.
    The gal at the end of the bar says to the handsome man at the other end,”I want you to make me feel like a real woman.”
    The guy slowly unbuttoned his shirt handed it to her and said, “Iron this for me.”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Reminds me of this one: Man in a bar ask a woman if she’d sleep with him for one million dollars. Sure she replies. Would you do it for one thousand? he asks. What do you think I am? she retorts. We’ve already established that, says he, now we’re just haggling about price.

      And, no I don’t own any of those joke books.

      Like

  17. My two favorites concern 4-year old boys. Parents spend weeks preparing the little guy for his first experience in church. When they take him in, Mom says, “Honey, this is God’s house”, to which he replies, “Where’s damnit ?”

    The second one takes place in a Target check out line. He asks his dad, “Where do babies come from?” Dad says “The stork brings them”. Little guy then asks, “Well then who f___d the stork?”

    Like

    1. CB – are you back home now, and out of the hospital?
      There has to be some way you can stay signed in. I have to re-do it whenever we do our periodic CC Cleaner, or when updates get installed… VS, do you know?

      Like

  18. Why did the photographer ask for Fifty Shades of Grey for a birthday present?
    Because he thought it was the complete guide to understanding white balance.

    What’s the difference between a photographer and a large pepperoni pizza?
    The pizza can feed a family of four.

    Liked by 3 people

  19. A Swedish town and a Norwegian town decide to hold an ice fishing contest. After the first day, the Swedes have a pile of fish, the Norskis have nothing. Same result after day two and day three. Frustrated, the Norse camp decides to spy on the Swedes. After a few hours, the spy hurries back to the Norskis proclaiming “They’re cheating – they’re drilling a hole in the ice!”

    (The funniest part about this joke is that I’ve heard it told both ways – one with the Swedes as the butt of the joke and one with the Norskis was the clueless ones.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are a lot of regional jokes in Denmark that are told in Minnesota as Iowa jokes. Similarly, as Bill points out, some jokes are told at the expense of musicians or particular instruments.

      What do you call an accordion that is tossed into a dumpster and lands on top of a banjo? A perfect pitch.

      Liked by 2 people

  20. Here is my tasteless perjorative joke:

    How are a man and linoleum alike?

    Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.

    So, do I hit post or not?

    Liked by 5 people

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