animals, Nature, pets, Seasons, Uncategorized

The Perfect Outdoor Buddy

75 Comments

Today’s post comes from Steve.

A cherished tradition among outdoor sportsmen is sharing experiences with a special buddy. People can, of course, have fun while hunting, camping, canoeing or fishing alone. Yet most outdoor sportsmen much prefer experiencing those activities with a soul mate. Traditionally, that outdoor buddy has been male, but one of the loveliest trends is the interest women are now showing in outdoor pursuits.

I’ve had several outstanding outdoor buddies. Early in my marriage I introduced my wife to outdoor sports, and she became a treasured partner during outdoor adventures. Our friend Jerry had a kinky sense of humor that made him a favorite companion. Jan, so athletic and intelligent, became a frequent fishing partner after her husband’s death. And then there was Dick, the perfect partner for me, right down to the fact we both were writers. Alas, Dick accepted a job in Washington shortly after we met, so that partnership died almost before it was born.

Meanwhile, the young man I spent the most time with outdoors was Bill. Bill is the smartest and most universally competent man I’ve met. He can fly an airplane, pilot a sailboat, paddle a canoe, drive a team of sled dogs, and walk forever. Like me, Bill dives into outdoor sports with more zeal than is prudent. In Grand Marais, where he practiced medicine for decades, Bill was regarded the most accomplished angler in the county. And when outdoor trips get challenging, as some inevitably do, Bill is a good sport.

And yet Bill and I were so fundamentally unlike each other that our friendship was improbable. Bill has a temper. I do not. He frequently becomes obsessive-compulsive, which is the opposite of loosey-goosie me. Bill overplans, whereas I’m sloppy and trusting to a fault. Bill has been described as “controlling,” a word nobody ever applied to me. We’re just different.

Even so, Bill and I share a great deal of history. I met him at the University of Minnesota fifty-four years ago. Together we have experienced marriage, divorce, childbirth and the too-short lifespans of many wonderful dogs. We’ve suffered horrific weather in seven states and three Canadian provinces, nearly dying a time or two when we took chances prudent men would never take. I’ve seen the worst of Bill, and he’s seen the worst of me.

And yet I kept hoping to find the perfect partner I’d always dreamed of, the partner I had in Dick before fate determined we would live a thousand miles apart.

I remember the night Bill told me about a steelhead fishing trip he had taken with other friends to a wilderness park in Ontario. Bill described sitting in a camp chair, sipping scotch while the Milky Way lit up the sky over the big lake. Bill said, “It was so beautiful! And I thought, ‘Gee, this couldn’t be more perfect . . . <i>except if Steve were here.’</i>”

That line hit me like a blow to the solar plexus. I reflected on times Bill and I had laughed and cried together over our long friendship. I realized that I had been pining for an ideal outdoor buddy although I already had found him, long, long ago. And oddly enough, after all our time together it seems I have become a bit like Bill, just as he has become more like me. In view of how imperfect I am, I can only shake my head about my silly drive to find a perfect partner. I’m lucky to have the partner I have.

Have you ever looked for something you already had? Do you have a friend who is your natural partner in a favorite hobby? What qualities distinguish your best friend? Do you prefer hanging out with someone just like you, or do you enjoy the sizzle of a friendship that flourishes in spite of differences?

75 thoughts on “The Perfect Outdoor Buddy”

  1. I thought I had found a best friend here, but we have had a falling out over an issue that takes too long to explain. If there are issues, I need for us to be able to look each other in the eye and talk things through, then accept the differences and figure out how to work around them. At this time she doesn’t have energy for that, so it is sad, but we’re at a stalemate.

    I seem to have kept a best friend from each place I’ve lived, and stay in touch by cards, phone, emails, and Google-meet. Another woman here could become a best friend – we have some similar interests and style, and we work closely on UU matters. It will be interesting to see where the major differences come in.

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    2. All my brothers and sisters have the same sense of humour as me, one which my wife doesn’t necessarily enjoy so much. And apparently my in laws find it difficult to understand at times.

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  3. Rise and Be My Pal, Baboons,

    I am lucky to have many friends over the years from school, workplaces, and book groups. It pleases me so that I am still in touch with friends from my school. This year was my 50th High School Reunion. I came away with a picture of friends I first knew in 2nd and 3rd grade through High School. Friendships have been much easier for me than family relationships.

    This summer, in our time away from COVID isolation, I made some terrific friends with other Master Gardener Interns. We have been renovating a garden space at the Extension Office here in Eden Prairie. After the staff there was working at home for 18 months, the garden grew waist high weeds that smothered the plants that had been there. An Intern named Karen coordinated the work force, so all I had to do was show up and pull weeds, or shovel mulch, or plant things while the other interns and I chatted away. This last week I discovered that one of the people has a daughter who moved to Australia 20 years ago. This person has made over 25 trips to Australia to visit. Given the length of that air flight, I was impressed.

    I don’t have a BFF (Best Friend Forever) anymore. Relaxing and enjoying the company of those around me seems enough these days. My only criteria is that the potential friend cannot insist I argue politics with them aside from declaring my colors. Insisting on arguing about politics automatically disqualifies them from friend material.

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  4. Steve, Just hinting at the adventures you’ve had and the people you’ve been fortunate to know, my first reaction to your post was “Now THERE was a life well lived!” Great friends, great adventures, sharing joy and sorrow honestly, just enjoying each other’s silent company at times. What more could a person ask for? Best of all, you didn’t hold out for the “perfect partner.” You had him, even if you didn’t realize it for all those years, but something kept you two together even though you had your differences. Or maybe I should change my statement to ” … a friend well found.” Bravo and I hope you continue on that path the best you can. I agree it gets tougher to have adventures as we get older.

    For example: Just driving to and from Arizona the past two weeks was stressful. Driving at night was not so fun, especially on I-70 through Colorado. Twisty mountain roads aren’t as exciting as they used to be–but they still get me sweating, especially the downhill runs when 10 cars are tailgating you because you actually believe the speed limit for that stretch is reasonable.

    Staying in hotels and eating in restaurants used to be fun and adventurous too (as much as they can be–I’ve never been a big fan), but worrying about COVID every time we went inside a building made it even less relaxing than it might have been.

    Even socializing with friends and family during the trip was stressful. We felt we needed to be “on” because we had such limited time with everyone.

    Still, we saw some marvelous sights, had some fantastic meals, enjoyed a few “perfect drives” on certain smooth, empty country roads winding through gorgeous scenery (gotta put in a plug for northern New Mexico–the Santa Fe area; and also western Colorado in fall when the aspens are popping brilliant gold against the green pines.)

    But the bottom line is, we’re glad to be home and returned to our daily rut. I’m traveled out for a year or so.

    Chris in Owatonna

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    2. While I was dead I thought it would be a good use of my time to check out Hell. Well, Gary Larsen has it just right: in hell they keep the coffee cold. All in all, I’d rather be alive in the Wellington than in hell with cold coffee. I say that although the conversations are probably better in hell.

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    3. It is a constant irritation for me that I cannot convey to my baboon friends what it has meant to have a life of outdoor adventures. I can try to describe it and you can try to understand it, but it is really one of those cases where “you hadda been there” to know what that is all about. I have a vivid sense of imagination, and that has given me many, many moments of sheer terror. It is good to have a buddy who has been through all that stuff because he knows things about me nobody else on earth could know.

      You might be discovering what I’ve concluded, Chris. The older you get the more you enjoy home.

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      1. I’ve had a few close calls in the outdoors, but maybe nothing like you’ve experienced, Steve. And I’m addicted to visiting the BWCA–as a solo canoeist. I like to think I understand your love and appreciation for outdoor adventures, but it’s too personal to generalize. But few things in life give me as much pure pleasure as simply “being” in an isolated wilderness setting. Just me and Mama Nature. She’s doing what she does, and I just soak it in, trying not to get in the way. My personal “last moments on Earth” was a horrendous storm in the Upper Missouri Breaks region of the Missouri River in Montana. Six straight hours of nonstop lighting, rain, near hurricane winds, cowering in a collapsed tent, cold and wet, fully expecting the next lightning bolt would have my name on it. The only time in my life I fully expected to die. Yet here I am. 🙂 Thanks, Mama N.

        But yes, home becomes more precious the more you live there and build it with a loved one. Thanks, Sandra. 🙂

        Chris

        Chris

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        1. Don’t underestimate your “listeners” ability to put themselves in your shoes. My imagination is strong enough to makes my knees go weak when I hear of something that’s painful. I think most people have the ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, even if they can’t completely understand the circumstances.

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  5. We often get these surveys at work about job satisfaction. The questions are framed in ways that ensure people sound very satisfied. One question is “I have a best friend at work”. I always answer that I don’t, as my dearest work friend now must work from home and I never see her. That makes me sad.

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    1. Renee, do these surveys ask the right questions, and in the right way? The surveys I got when I drove for the Coop did not, and my comment on that one time, was presumably not written in way, or a place, that the computer would recognise. I think the idea was just to get a result that confirmed what great employers we had.

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    2. I wonder what is the point of those surveys. Surely it’s not with any intention of changing things to make them more satisfactory to you, especially if the questions are skewed toward positivity. Are they trying, perhaps, to identify disgruntled employees? Do you have to complete the survey? I make it a practice to never take surveys, since they are almost never given for the purpose of objectively learning something.

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    3. This makes me laugh. Because we have these surveys every now and then; the last one that I took of my own free well I tried to answer it fairly and honestly. And at the end of the survey it said “you should probably find another place to work.” Considering that I’ve been at my place of employment for 32 years and actually like my job, this made me laugh but I also haven’t taken another service since then.

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  6. One of the questions I should have asked at the end of my post is whether you have all the close friends you would like, or do you always feel the need to add another close friend.

    For me, I never have enough close friends. Always room for one more.

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  7. I have a friend who is my natural partner in work. My brother Neil. It’s not that we’re workers. But other people aren’t, so it’s easy for us to look good. We both wish we’d worked together more, it was always fun. We mostly think alike, and talk about the best ways of doing things without falling out. And we may not do it faster. But we do it better.
    We just never did get organised, one time we were going to be fencing contractors. Later we were going to be building contractors. It was me that wouldn’t come off the farm, that time.
    We’re alike, except that he’s repulsive. I’m nice.

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      1. Hey, I could point out that I answered your question yesterday. But I’m too nice. Yes, Neil is my younger brother, and thinks he’s the head of the family. Angus/Angelina is my older brother. Jane and Chris, my sisters, are the youngest. Five of us. All difficult.

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        3. Steve, my sister understands Angelina better than I do. Last time I saw HIM, as he is at the moment, was two years ago, when I was going up the stairs, by arrangement, to Jane’s flat. When she buzzed me in, she said, “there’s somebody here you know,” and the two of them started down the stairs. I probably wasn’t surprised to see him, he haunts her. I’d forgotten at that moment, actually, that Jane had told me a year before, that he was cross dressing. Read what you like into that. I hadn’t been shocked at the time. Surprised, yes. I saw the irony, in his attempts at one time to be homophobic. But of course, that was easily explained, times being what they were. But then, seemingly, I forgot.
          I met him on the stairs and he was just the same. Full of heroic things he was about to do. Said it all, then was gone in thirty seconds or so. Jane later reminded me he was now a transvestite. Oh yes! I remember now!
          I don’t know how clear cut it is. He dresses up to go to events, maybe. He took Jane to a tarts and vicars party. I’ve never witnessed one of these, I suppose it’s an English thing. She was the vicar. He has a bunch of women friends who have taken him up, and he’s good to them and her, and takes them to concerts. She says the people in town are nice to him, and applaud when he crashes every single karaoke night, and treats everyone to his awful singing. I don’t know what mode of attire he adopts. Lately he’s been going crazy with his nails, and can compete with any girl, apparently. I don’t disapprove, I’m sorry that he hasn’t felt able to do all this before. Chris told me recently that Dad was terrified that us boys would turn out gay, and that was no doubt an awful strain on Angus, the only one of us who worshipped Dad. Ironically.

          I don’t think he’s gay. But I don’t know. His relationships have always been a mess.

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        4. This happens to be a subject I know a fair amount about because I have several “friends” whose children are struggling with gender identity issues, so I’ve read everything I can get my hands on, trying to be as informed and as understanding as I can be. This is not a frivolous subject, no matter how uncomfortable it is. People who struggle with gender identity and/or sexual orientation issues are real people, and more than likely, you know some. (A former baboon comes to mind.) Yes, as a parent, sibling, or friend, I’d rather not have to deal with my own uncomfortable emotions around this, but when someone you care about reveals that their son has recently come out as gay, and that his partner is transgender, you really have to dig deep if you want to be supportive. We’ve come a long way in the last thirty years or so about these issues, which are not new, by the way, we’re just becoming better informed and more open about them.

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        5. I’ve done my best to ensure this appears in the right place. Gay, transsexual, transvestite persons, acceptance of. (My phone was keen for me to include transaxles as well. I’ll have to find out what they are before I say more.)
          Here in El Palomar, people aren’t too bothered. That’s why English gays tend to drift in this direction. It can’t be for the climate, it’s raining right now.
          I really don’t have any bother accepting people’s sexual orientation. My difficulties with my brother have other causes, and though he’s my btother and I love him, if he doesn’t need me, well OK.

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  8. Sandra, of course, is and has been my best friend for 56 years.
    Had a close friend ages 11 (ca.) to 16. But he was two grades ahead of me, but one year older. But grades were the key difference. I was a decent athlete. He was not but played football. I was very academic and did theater. He drifted through school. He graduated and enlisted.
    Had a close friend named Chuck grades 9-12. People sometimes did and still do call me Chuck. I guess I just look like a Chuck. He went west to school and farther west to high success. I went east and then back to Minnesota to a life where success is not recognized.
    Had two good friends on the teaching staff. One was too much like me for us to be be really close. Plus he had a wife who snarled at me a lot. Lots of things happened. We were not close after those things. We have no contact.
    The second one and I bonded very well. We have been in contact via social media. But now that Sandy has sunk, he has withdrawn. Do not know what that was like. He and his wife were close to Sandy. So I gave them updates. They read them but never answered, not even my questions. So I guess that one is done.
    Never build a friendship here. My life revolved around our company. But two men with whom I worked were jerks. One is in care in Kansas, not married to his wife anymore, one of the worst humans I have ever known. She decided it helped her finances to divorced, Other one is till here. Never see him. Arrogant, nasty, judgmental. He has always been too proud to live here. Never shop here, so part of reason I do not see him. Worked with is wife as a contracted person, a real snake in the grass.
    I have been in church here for 24 years. Stuns me it is that long. But the church is full of lots of people who demand they get to control things. I stood up and disagreed with them. I guess I have too different a mentality about church after spending those years in a small church. A new young pastor, was new and young a decade ago, has made it clear she has heard all about me and simply did not want to engage even in small talk. She just left to start and run and enlarge a wonderful local charity she started a few years ago. Have not attended in 3 years. Music is too loud, a small band, for my sensitivities. It holds it services now and has for 3 years, at a time too early for Sandy.
    I accept that this tells me something about myself.
    Sandy and I are for the moment still best friends. I need to get over there to get her ready to see her eye doctor.

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    2. Oddly, my son just said something, like I have never heard either of my children say. He is still married, for a few legal and financial reasons, such as health insurance. He has sometimes carried her and she him, the later at the moment. She is a difficult spoiled adult child. He just made the comment that when they met he thought he had found a close friend like his parents modeled. My daughter says she and her husband are, as she had wanted to find.

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  9. I have a few favorite quotes that I have no doubt posted here before, but oh well:

    – A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
    Anonymous

    – A friend is someone who leave all of your freedom intact but, by what (s)he thinks of you, obliges you to be fully what you are.
    T. L’Heureux

    – We are such good friends
    that if I suggested a long walk
    You’d know I meant
    Sitting with coffee.
    Hallmark card

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    1. I have a “friend” who thinks that being a friend would involve helping her bury the body of someone she had killed. A true friend would have tried to prevent the murder in the first place. Becoming an accomplice afterward is just not my idea of friendship.

      By the way, I love the header photo.

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  11. Wes The Cynic here.
    People use the word “friends” when they really have “acquaintances”. I have “acquaintances” from work. The “friend” designation might be just part of being polite. Or not to be seen as “unfriendly”. A certain neediness might also come into play. Does anyone believe 45 is “friends” with as many world leaders as he claims? Considering what I’ve witnessed, I doubt he has ANY “friends”.
    There are degrees of friendship. The Baboons are beyond the aquanintence stage but those relationships have natural limitations. So I won’t be asking any of you for financial aid! If needed, I have several friends who would do that…my kids. My best friends.

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    1. I couldn’t agree more, Wes. What I would consider a close friendship develops over time, often years. Yet, just because you’ve known someone for years doesn’t mean you’re friends, in that sense of the word.

      Authenticity is something that I strive for in a friendship. The courage to show each other not just the attractive and likeable side of who you are. That, of course, requires that you recognize and embrace your own imperfections, and that’s sometimes hard to do.

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      1. About thirty years ago, a very dear friend came out to me as a cross dresser. At the time he was engaged to my best friend, and she had discovered it and was calling off their engagement. I was totally taken aback, didn’t know a damn thing about cross dressing, but considered both of them very close friends, so I knew I had better step up and educate myself if I was going to be of any use to either of them.

        I’ve known gay people pretty much all of my life. It wasn’t exactly a secret, but it was obviously something that most people didn’t talk openly about or were very accepting of. My best friend is a bisexual woman, she’s like a sister to me. Her current partner is a woman, and they’ve been together over ten years, and I love them both.

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      2. My erstwife and daughter have something in common. Both are appealing, friendly people who effortlessly sustain old relationships. My erstwife, for example, has friends she has met at all sorts of odd moments in life. They keep in touch. She is friends with a women she met when both were two years old. People who long ago worked with my daughter will call her up and try to get together. This is a gift that these two have, and I don’t pretend to understand it. But it is a beautiful thing.

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  12. As Wes mentioned above, there are degrees of friendship as well as different kinds of friendships.

    I refer to my baboon friends, most of whom I’ve actually met in person, yet even within that group there are people that I know would drive me nuts if we were to spend much time together. That’s not a judgement of those baboons, it’s a reflection of who I am and who I enjoy spending time with. Take tim, for example; I absolutely love his pluck, creativity, and optimistic attitude, but I know he’d drive me crazy if we spent a lot of time together. He’d probably be a lot more accepting of my foibles than I would be of his. We’re just two very different people. I’m using tim as an example, not to pick on him, but because I’m confident that my saying so isn’t going to cause him any emotional pain. Besides, I think he’d agree with my assessment.

    Using the word loosely, I have friends I’ve known and been on good terms with since childhood. Some college friends, former neighbors and/or work mates fall in that category too. Most of these are people I rarely see because we live too far apart. We may share common interests such as a love of the same kind of music, or gardening, or cooking, or involvement in social issues; the common denominator is the common ground we share, and that we enjoy each others’ company.

    I have just a handful of close friends. They’re all people I’ve known for years; none of them are perfect, and every one of them knows I’m certainly not. There’s a mutual trust and respect between us that means the world to me. I’ve experienced the betrayal of one such friend many years ago, and that hurt like hell.

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    2. agreed pj
      agreed
      turns out the world feels the same way
      my friends of years gone bye have all gotten on with life without my inclusion
      i guess i’m not sure i’d want to have a friend like me either sometime but that mirror just has that thing about forcing togetherness whether i like it or not

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  14. Early in my friendship with Bill, we had a clash that infuriated me. He did something I regarded as hopelessly boorish. Feeling more anger than I almost ever do, I got in the car to drive home in silence, knowing that once we got to the end of the trip I’d never have to deal with him again.

    One of Bill’s skills–not one of mine–is the ability to speak respectfully to a person who has just done something unacceptable. Bill spoke to me, and soon I was telling him what he had done that I found so awful. It turned out to be more of a misunderstanding than anything else. Bill had been raised with one code of conduct that clashed with my early training. When we understood that, we knew we were good friends again. One of many, many kindnesses he has shown me is the courage and respect needed to bring a problem out of the shadows so we could discuss it.

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        4. When a friend calls you to account for something wrong you have done, the wounds might hurt but they are inflicted for your benefit.

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        6. So a close friend having an affair with your spouse is doing you a favor? Sorry, Wes, I don’t track on that one.

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        7. Hard to respond directly because of Word Press limitations.
          The quote is about a friend who will tell you what you need to know despite the pain it might cause. A supposed friend would never have had an an adulterous relationship in the first place.

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        8. As you probably know already, Wes, I’m not a believer. While I know there’s a lot of wisdom to be found in the bible, I also think there’s a lot of downright hurtful crap. Even a true friend may let you down, and depending on the circumstances, still be a friend. But, trust plays a very major role of human relationships, and once trust has been violated, it’s difficult to rebuild. I don’t mean to dismissive of any baboon who has a deeply held religious faith, I say good for them; I just don’t share that faith. Probably most of my friends are religious, including my very dear friend, Philip, who is a retired orthodox priest. I think of faith as a gift, one that I haven’t been given, and one that I’m fine without. That’s just me.

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        9. One additional thought. I do agree that a true friend will tell you things that you don’t necessarily want to hear, especially if what they tell you pertains to your own behavior and relationships. I fully expect any friend of mine to call me out on behaviors or expressed opinions that fly in the face of my expressed values. That’s what I meant by striving for authenticity in relationships. Its very easy to proclaim a lot of highfalutin ideals, if you don’t live them, they mean nothing.

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  15. My mother has known her best friend since second grade. I don’t have any enduring friends from before college, partly because we moved around so much. However I feel like I’ve lucked out because I have a BFF and several women friends that I consider very close friends. And a large large circle of people who I consider friends… more than just acquaintances.

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  16. For Plain Jane. The source of a quote about friendship in no way negates the message. I could have not referenced anything or anyone but that wouldn’t have been honest. I’m not that original.

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    1. I know that, Wes, and I do appreciate that you referenced the quote. Because of the experience I had with a true friend, who many years ago let me down, I happen to look at that quote, regardless of where it came from, from a different perspective. If you read my “one additional thought” response, I do agree with the quote in general. A friend who reassures you that you’re right, even when you’re not, is no friend in my book. As to my comment about the bible, I stand by it. It’s full of wisdom but also full of contradictory statements that make no sense to me. I’d love to have a beer with you and talk about it. What’s more, I think we could be great friends.

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    2. When I first started in theater, I met Skip. She was sure something…she had her issues, and I learned an awful lot about life from her. But she was also the one that would call my BS and kick me in the butt when I needed it.
      She’s down in Texas now and has had her share of health problems and can’t communicate anymore the way she used too.
      I sure miss her.

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      1. Some friendship are precious. Yours with Skip sounds like it was one of them. Hope she’s OK.

        I’ve lost contact with one such special friend of mine, Patty. She had a last name that should be easy to track down, but she has completely disappeared, I cannot find her. She had a troubled past, but was a fun, generous, and delightful neighbor that I dearly loved. I hope she’s OK, but I worry about her.

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  17. OT – Do any baboons have any experience with the castor bean plant? I love the vigor and beauty of it, but am concerned that it’s toxic to cats and dogs (not to mention humans). Does it reseed itself and become an invasive nuisance? What about squirrels, rabbits, birds, and other wild critters, is it safe for them? Anyone?

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  20. I can certainly understand and relate to your subject matter. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve usually experienced no difficulties in finding one or more people to join me on my outdoor pursuts. Before I retired I was an accountant. People might be surprised to know that accountants enjoy very adventurous vacations. Our work can at times lack excitement so a lot of accountants have the skills and desires to go on outdoor activities. Even the women I’ve worked with were interested in hiking, canoeing, and even skydiving. Sadly I’ve met others who have great difficulty finding partners for their trips. My wife works at a school and none of the teachers seem to be interested in these kinds of outings. Fortunately my wife and I have been each others best partner for the outdoors although as we’ve gotten older the mountains do seem to be higher and the lakes seem to be longer. That’s okay too as we’ve found new ways to explore and we can take a little longer to get where we are going.

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