2023, History, Uncategorized, work

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

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Wednesday I took nine boxes of goodies to UPS to send to friends and relatives. The process was fairly painless except for the irritation I felt being referred to several times by the perky, young clerk as “Dear”. It was clearly a reference to my being noticeably older than she. My initial impulse was to say “I am not a Dear. I am Dr. Boomgaarden and that is how I would like to be addressed”. 

I didn’t say anything, of course. I typically don’t with clerks or people I don’t know well. I didn’t want to come across as rude. Now, if you are a client or someone close to me, I don’t hold back and I can be pretty blunt. Besides, I wanted the clerk to not get flustered while she was getting my packages labeled.

I sometimes replay situations in my head to reflect how I wish I would have responded or acted. I used to do it a lot more when I was younger. Sometimes doing that helped me rehearse what to do the next time similar situations arose. There are only so many times one can bite one’s tongue.

Any regrets? Are you blunt, diplomatic, or a tongue biter?

29 thoughts on “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda”

  1. It depends! Partly on what the “offense” was, and partly on my frame of mind at the moment. A clerk in a store, or a waitress calling me “dear” or “honey,” would typically not ruffle my feathers, but a much younger sales rep who routinely called on me, and repeatedly called me “young lady,” most definitely was told to get back in line. I know he probably meant no harm, he might even have thought he was flattering me, but I thought it was important to let him know that I thought him condescending and disrespectful. I was pretty firm about it, but I’m pretty sure that had I not been, this clueless sales rep would not have gotten the message.

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  2. Some lesson that I incorporated in youth, it could have been at Sunday School about humility, or at home where I was reminded all too often that I was at the bottom of the stack, has kept me from audibly pulling rank (most of the time). Almost 50 years ago, happy to be a Spec-5 in the Army Reserve, I was surprised one summer to be promoted to Staff Sergeant and given stripes to wear, indicating that I outranked others. I was so reluctant to tell people what to do that I allowed a Beetle Bailey type PFC to run circles around me until a Sergeant Major took me to task.

    Now I spend time answering kids’ questions at Khan Academy. I hope that I’m kind and helpful. When someone starts pushing back at me in the US History course with MAGA-like tropes, I up my vocabulary to a graduate school level and post links to academic journal articles. That’s my way of pulling rank, and so far, it has worked.

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      1. No. My impression is that these “learners” log on, spew their ignorance, then walk away and don’t look back. Occasionally I notice that some pushback has come, which is followed by someone taking up the futility of setting a MAGA child straight. It rarely leads to anything well, and by then, I’m far from it.

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    2. In general I refuse to engage with MAGA types. Most of the ones I’ve encountered proffer nothing but opinions and have no factual information to back them up. You can’t possibly discuss politics – or anything else for that matter – with someone who really doesn’t know what the heck they’re talking about. I can have respectful discussions with someone with a different perspective on something, but we have to agree on the basic facts. And it helps if their information doesn’t all come from Fox News or Truth Social.

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  3. I usually try to keep my annoyances to myself. I’ve been called “Honey” or “Dear” by clerks who are younger than I am; it rankles but it’s gone as soon as I walk out the door and the fresh outdoor air hits my face. I went shopping a couple of days ago and two clerks in two different stores ruffled my feathers in different ways. The first one was the worst. I heard her say to the customer ahead of me, “Blessed Day!” Ack! I think of this as something out of The Handmaid’s Tale and I almost went to another check-out lane. I braced myself for it and she did it to me too. I glanced up at her, but said nothing in response.

    Next store, I was aware that I had left my mask in the car as I went in. My practice is to stay as far from others as I can if I’m not wearing a mask. I shopped without incident and went to the check-out. Two clerks were talking in a passionate tone as I unloaded my groceries. The one at the register was sighing, forcefully. She was clearly upset. I noticed her breathing right away because it was pretty dramatic – really expulsive exhalations. She launched into a whole story about how the customer ahead of her had bawled her out for something and she was now in a lot of trouble with her boss. Deep sigh, exhalation. Ack. I was backing away. I felt her pain though. This kind of thing happens in customer service and it can be upsetting. So I turned compassion up and told her to inhale deeply and exhale slowly and gently. “Take deep slow breaths, it will be okay.” She barely heard me and just kept going on about having to go see her boss and how much trouble she was in – forceful exhalation. I got out of there as fast as I could.

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      1. She just said, “Blessed day.” It’s kind of like “Blessed Be,” that is in Handmaid’s Tale. That’s the creepy way it makes me feel.

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  4. Rise and Shine, Baboons,

    As a younger adult I was always pretty diplomatic because I was so afraid I would hurt the feelings of almost anyone. Then I would ruminate for hours about what I shoulda/coulda done. As an older adult, now a senior, I am pretty blunt because who has the time. I also had to teach myself to stop ruminating about all this because it was pointless and just made me anxious and depressed.

    Now I am fairly blunt. I did find myself wanting to be kind to some family members at 2 recent funerals and a wedding. I find I have lost patience with my siblings, but I did not want to take up my complaints at these events because it was just not the place and time. They both know they have some behavior to account for and I think they are avoiding me. They don’t want to hear it. So I will wait until whatever is next.

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  5. I’ve bitten my tongue for so many years that I have permanent teeth mark indentations. 🙂

    Since I’m of the opinion that most people rarely think before they speak, let alone consider the feelings and perspectives of others, they don’t mean any harm. They’re just ignorant and/or insensitive. I try not to sweat the small stuff, so I generally shrug off slights or insults of any sort. As it’s been mentioned here, it’s virtually impossible to change someone’s mind or enlighten them with only a few words.

    That said, I always have a few choice words ready for MAGA Republicans if they bring up politics. But I’ll also needle far-left Democrats too if they ask for it. Being a Libertarian “allows” me to chide both parties because I don’t buy into either group’s philosophy.

    Chris in Owatonna

    **BSP** Second to last in-person event of 2023 for me tomorrow in Northfield. The Riverwalk Market Fair winter market is at the Northfield News Building on 5th St, near Division (about a block south of Bridge Square.). 9:00-1:00. Some 30 different vendors, artists, crafters, and food sellers will be there. It’s a great place to find unique gifts for the people on your list. I’ll also be there next Saturday, Dec. 23, same time and place, for all you procrastinators out there. 🙂 **END BSP**

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  6. I kinda walk the line. Age has made me take less BS, offer less BS, and not get hung up on the BS. But I’m usually pretty diplomatic about it too. I’ve always thought a person can say anything if they say it with a smile. Time and place makes a big difference.
    The other day I had a long online session with someone that I really should have just said “It’s time to get over this” but I didn’t. I also know that’s not how they work.

    From yesterday. More and more I’m turning into my Dad. I strike up conversations with random people. I NEVER USED TO DO THAT!

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  7. I kinda walk the line. Age has made me take less BS, offer less BS, and not get hung up on the BS. But I’m usually pretty diplomatic about it too. I’ve always thought a person can say anything if they say it with a smile. Time and place makes a big difference.
    The other day I had a long online session with someone that I really should have just said “It’s time to get over this” but I didn’t. I also know that’s not how they work.

    From yesterday. More and more I’m turning into my Dad. I strike up conversations with random people. I NEVER USED TO DO THAT!

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  8. Similar for me, Ben, except other people seem more likely to start the conversation. And I’m much more likely to engage them if they do. Are we all less in a hurry as we age, or just glad to talk to someone because loneliness creeps in gradually to some (many?) of us?

    Chris

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    1. I think that’s true. I find myself sharing much more than I intended sometimes – often because days can go by, especially in winter, and the only “person” I’ve talked to is my dog.

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  11. I’m trying to be diplomatic with people. This is a long story, so feel free to skip it.

    The past couple of days I’ve been going back and forth on a Facebook page with a woman from northern Minnesota who was on a rant about immigrants being able to get driver’s licenses in Minnesota. Her beef was that a local gun shop had sold hunting rifles to “immigrants”, and she claimed the store owner had told her he HAD to sell them guns because they had driver’s licenses. We went back and forth a couple of times, I maintained that having a driver’s license alone is not sufficient, you have to be a citizen or legal alien. She then posted “I no the law Hun. Their passport was from Puerto Rico that’s not in the U.S. is it? But had MN drivers licenses.” I came back with a link supporting my argument that if they were born in Puerto Rico they were US citizens and that the law she was ranting about wasn’t relevant to their situation.

    After that her tone changed a bit and she said she had talked to these guys a while back about doing a roofing job for her small business, but said she couldn’t do a background check on them because they were from Puerto Rico. I posted a link to an article with the title “An Undiscovered Talent Pool – Puerto Rico, Where Every Resident Is A US Citizen”. Told her there’s no reason she can’t have them fill out an authorization form for a background check if she chooses. Encouraged her to call the Minnesota Department of Labor and Industry if she has questions. She then said “thank you. This has been helpful I think I’ll print it all out. I did read somewhere in a very old article the reason the supposedly left people in Puerto Rico to live is because they were fighting so many diseases and parasites. I’ll see if I saved the article in favorites on one of my devices.” (This is copied and pasted with grammatical errors uncorrected.) A few minutes later, “here is one of them. So now they are bringing the diseases across America .”

    The article she then posted was a scientific article about the health problems that arose after Hurricane Maria. I then responded “The article you reference says ‘the proportion of individuals with overweight, diabetes, hypertension, dyslipidemia, liver dysfunction, atrial fibrillation, and gastrointestinal diseases increased’ after Hurricane Maria. Those are not communicable diseases.”

    She hasn’t responded to that, but she did click the Like button. (That surprised me.)

    I think I exercised some restraint and it didn’t descend into a shouting match. Did it do any good, though? If someone is xenophobic, can you reason them out of it?

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    1. I doubt it. I admire your persistence, though, but I doubt that you’ve changed her mind. She’ll just start looking for a new angle for why these people are undesirable. But at least she acknowledged that she was misinformed, that’s a start.

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    2. I agree with PJ about your patience and persistence. Maybe the information you’ve given her will be like a pea under her mattress or a small pebble in her shoe that gets her to think a little bit more.

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