2024, Family, home, Kids

Saying “No”

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I have never really had trouble saying “No” to people. I was a pretty strict parent, and I don’t often find myself doing things with or for people that I don’t want to. Husband is pretty different, as he is the oldest child in his family and since he has been small has catered to others. When his younger sister was still in a play pen, he took it as his job to retrieve all the toys she threw out of her play pen. It became quite a game for her, I understand. He just kept retrieving the toys, though.

When our children were young and were home and bored, Husband couldn’t stand it if they looked unhappy, and was always rescuing them from their boredom and devising things for them to do. This used to drive me crazy, as I was worried they would never learn to entertain themselves. I guess that is due to my experiences as an only child, since I always had to entertain myself.

Our Cesky Terrier, Kyrill, is a lovely and affectionate boy who is really spoiled. He has pegged Husband as an easy mark for constant play and cossetting. Kyrill goes up to Husband and sits at his feet and whines. Husband can’t standi it, and finds things for the dog to do, or else gets him a snack of ice cubes. The dog loves ice cubes. The dog knows better than to try it with me. I have to admit, though, that no matter how often I tell Kyrill that I am done tugging with him, I invariably end up tugging with him again. After that I say “Go to Daddy”, and the dog takes his tug over to Husband and they tug. It is nice to have a partner who takes care of me, too, although I think I am taking advantage of Husband’s weaknesses!

What creature(s) do have trouble setting limits with? How do you and your siblings get along these days?

23 thoughts on “Saying “No””

  3. Rise and Take It Elsewhere, Baboons,

    I have found that I cannot say no to people at the door selling stuff. Usually stuff I do not want. So I put up a sign, “No Solicitors”. That has solved that one. But otherwise, I usually can say no. Right now I am sorting through Master Gardener projects that are arising now, seeking volunteers. Then there is the Arboretum Auxilliary. Do I join? Do I want to be involved in those types of projects? Still deciding. I don’t want to be part of a group which maintains the gardens surrounding the Extension office in Eden Prairie. The Admin Asst who runs that is hopelessly disorganized and cannot even successfully organize a meeting, then get people there. That irritates me to no end. So, no. Not that one. The Master Gardener who leads the MS Garden I work in is a another retired social worker who has that running like a well-oiled maching. Yes, I will do that. The Eden Prairie Community Garden may need a lead Gardener. I will check out that.

    re: Siblings. Uff Da. After my mother’s final illness and passing in June we have had not had much contact, after years of cooperatively caretaking of her. Each of us has been dealing with our own physical issues because, after all, we are also old people now. My sister has experienced a pinched nerve in her lower back and has been nearly immobile, doing PT, and really had to relearn how to walk. My brother has had a pinched nerve in his shoulder that was not so debilitating. I have had my Plantar Fasciaitis and have been rebuilding my stamina. Prior to Mom’s death there was a lot of conflict among us. Only I want to discuss this and try to resolve it. The other two, including the “Christian” want to avoid it. So I may simply choose to opt out of those relationships because it is so stressful. Right now I am just leaving it alone. We all needed some space after the years of parental illness.

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    1. There are far fewer of them now, but kids going door to door selling things for school clubs or activities are really hard to turn down. If I buy something I really don’t want I take it to work and give it away.

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      1. if an actual child came to my door, selling something, be it Girl Scout cookies or wrapping paper, I would buy it. Simply because I remember doing it as a girl and YA did it when she was younger. I don’t particularly think it builds character by at least they’re making an effort and I support that. I haven’t had a child come to the door for quite a few years now. I also will buy Girl Scout cookies if the Girl Scouts have a table set up someplace like at a grocery store or the hardware store or even one year outside the liquor store. Again they’re putting in some effort and I want to reward that.

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  4. I can relate to your husband’s caretaking. I was the oldest too – both the oldest and female. I was expected to take care of my younger brothers, as well as some of the younger neighbor kids, and some dogs and cats too. It was just expected of me. I can relate to picking up toys and throwing them back in. I had such a strong visual image of that when I read it! I’ve done it too.

    These days it’s Pippin – just the two of us. I should have gotten him a puppy long ago, or adopted his little sister when I adopted him. He pesters and pesters me to play tug, rub him, and wait on him hand and foot. He is really very demanding – a tiny tyrant. He hates it when I leave. He fears it more than anything. He must think I’m abandoning him, even though I’ve always come back. He has become very clingy and is right under my feet all the time.

    I’ve met a woman who dogsits in her home. Pippin and I spent an hour or so at her house one day with her two dogs. The dogs all got along fine. Nat has agreed to take care of Pippin when I go to Ireland. We decided a shorter test run wouldn’t hurt so I am going to the north shore next week for three nights. He will stay with Nat. We’ll see how it goes.

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  5. I can’t seem to get a handle on the fact that I do too much for Husband – it’s often just easier and faster for me to do it myself, but it means I don’t give him the opportunity to do more for himself. He can make simple meals, clean up and do some dishes, etc., if I would stop swooping in and doing it my way.

    My sister and I have a great time whenever we get together, ever since I gave up (in my 20s) being the (older) one who knows better or knows more. We are a lot alike in our world view, but have different strengths and skills. (However, just between us, I do often know better. :) ) I think we could live together if it happened that we each needed a roommate at the same time.

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  6. I tend to be a softie with animals, especially my own. Martha, our cat, has always been standoffish, but since Bernie died in January, has become progressively more demanding of attention. I think she’s bored.

    My sister and I get along fine, though we’re very different. Unfortunately, she’s a heavy smoker, so being with her is difficult. She tries to be considerate (I’m very sensitive to smoke), but everything reeks of smoke, and within a day or two of staying in her apartment, I’ll have a sore throat, headache, and sinus problems.

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  7. I’m pretty good at saying ‘no’ too. Often, when I want to say no, there aren’t really options, so I end up doing whatever it was anyway.

    The dogs… eh, I’m a sucker for pets.

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  9. I forgot to address siblings. My youngest brother and I are great buddies. We love each other. I have no idea what I would do without him. Getting through Mom’s dementia and death would have been just awful without him. My other brother, not so much. I would love to be closer with him but he has closed the door on Kurt and I and has made it clear he doesn’t want us to come knocking. His wife is a jewel among women and she and my niece and nephew are very friendly and kind to me. I think Eric has unresolved family issues. I can’t work through them for him. He needs to address his garbage, but I don’t think he will.

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  10. I have a friend who has said to me more than once over the years that I really know how to do tough love. I don’t know if that’s true, but mostly what I tried to do as a parent was be consistent. If I said no, then it had to stay no. Or if I gave a consequence then I had to follow through on the consequence.

    One of the things that she thought was the most interesting was the time when YA was about six and was having a little bit of tantrum in the car and started to throw some trash out the window. I told her not to do it and she looked right at me and did it anyway. So we drove around the block and I stopped the car and I made her get out and pick up the trash. My friend labeled that tough love, I just labeled it consequences.

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  11. Pets are a little different story because of course they don’t speak English, so I can’t really explain consequences as well. But I wouldn’t say I’m a complete pushover.

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