Category Archives: Mysteries

Artificial What?

(Header photo by Word Press’ Artificial Intelligence, version 3 !)

My summer Padawan is always telling me “I asked Chat GPT about…”

I just can’t get over that. He’s asking a computer for relationship advice. I guess it’s faster than asking Ann Landers… And then he tells me he likes it because it’s giving him the answers he wants to hear. Well of course it is! I am just so astounded that he’s taking relationship advice from this thing…and because he’s asking it ‘why doesn’t she love me’ questions, of course it gives him reasons she’ll come back. I told him to ask it ‘Why won’t this girl leave me alone’ and see what it says? I get the typical teenage “Yeah, but!” answers from him. 

Man, am I glad I’m not 19 anymore! Mostly.  

So I asked Chat GPT to write a blog and I gave it some pretty general guidelines; farming, theater, and teenage love. 

It did pretty good! I had to laugh, it wasn’t at all like I write, because why would it be, but it was a very nice short story of “…slipping into a classroom still smelling faintly of hay and diesel that makes you feel both out of place and perfectly rooted at the same time.” 

Then boy meets girl, they go to a show, and, “ We slipped into seats near the front, shoulders brushing, her laughter lighting up the dim room like a sparkler. I couldn’t tell you much about the plot of the play—something about family, love, mistakes—but I remember how she leaned in during the quiet moments and how the stage lights reflected in her eyes.” 

Oh my gosh. I’m gonna start asking this for sweet nothings to whisper in Kelly’s ears! 

So I refined the request a few more times. I asked for more humor and less metaphors. I hate metaphors like a hole in my head. 

It gave me this: 

Being nineteen and in a relationship during winter in Southeast Minnesota is a test that should earn college credit. The farm turns into a frozen obstacle course, the wind rearranges your face, and every chore takes twice as long because everything metal turns into a hand-freezing punishment device. Romance does not thrive in these conditions.

My girlfriend says we need to “communicate more,” which is hard to do when the chickens start yelling at dawn and demand full attention. She thinks the chickens respond better to her voice, which is true only because she gives them treats and I hand them feed like a government-issued ration. She insists this is evidence of my lack of warmth. I insist it is evidence that chickens are extortionists.

The grain farm does not help our relationship. Every time we plan a date, something breaks. This week it was the old tractor. The tractor has the personality of a stubborn old man who refuses to stand up without complaining first. I spent three hours crawling under it, dropping tools, and discovering new ways to swear. She sat nearby on a bale of straw, scrolling through her phone, occasionally offering advice that made sense only if the tractor responded to positive energy.

The real villain of December is Christmas music. The month starts, and suddenly every speaker in existence blasts nonstop jingles. She says it “puts her in the spirit.” It puts me in a state of irritation that could power the whole farm. The worst part is that she sings along. She sings loudly. She sings off-key. She claims my dislike of holiday music is a sign of emotional instability. I claim her playlist is a threat to public safety. This topic has caused more arguments than the chickens, the tractor, and the weather combined.

But we’re nineteen, so we keep trying. Some evenings we sit in the shop, surrounded by tools, feathers drifting around, both of us exhausted. She talks about her day. I talk about which piece of machinery betrayed me. Sometimes she laughs at my tractor stories. Sometimes I almost tolerate her humming.

Our relationship may not be smooth, but we are still standing, even in January temperatures, even with demanding chickens, even with that cursed playlist. And honestly, surviving December together might be proof we’re tougher than we thought.

Not bad. But I want to know why there are feathers in the shop?? Are the chickens living in the shop or did I drag that many feathers in there on my clothing?? Sometimes walking around the college and I’ll find a dry chunk of “dirt” in the hallway with a chicken feather sticking out of it. Yeah, that’s probably mine. But how did the computer know that?

THINK ABOUT AUTOMATION IN YOUR LIFE. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE NEVER EXPECTED? 

ASK AI (OR ANN LANDERS), TO WRITE SOMETHING. 

How Did This Happen?

Holiday movies are a staple for me.  I wait (sometimes patiently, sometimes not) for the day after Thanksgiving and then I cut loose – holiday movies galore for the weeks.  I prefer older movies although it seems every year or so something pops up that gets added to be stable of favorites.  Last year was Red One.  Three years ago it was The Christmas Chronicles.  Four years ago it was Klaus.  I’ll try any Christmas Carol at least once although Alistair Sims is the top of my list, followed shortly thereafter by Patrick Stewart.  And I simply cannot stay away from White Christmas despite its drecky and implausible plot.

The Bishop’s Wife, Miracle on 34th Street (the original only please) and, of course, It’s a Wonderful Life are still my top contenders; I usually watch these more than once a season.  I had Wonderful Life on last night when YA wandered in.  I was about ¾ of the way through and she said “when does he go to his weird world”?  What?  What?  So I tried to succinctly explain that Clarence the angel was showing George a world in which he had never been born.  This took a bit of explaining.  Anyway, YA stayed for the rest of the movie and asked MANY questions as we went along.  Zuzu’s petals were particularly hard to explain. 

Then we got to the scene in which Harry shows up after flying through a snowstorm (questions about where had Harry been, where did the movie take place).  I’ve probably seen this movie 100 times and I still choke up a bit when Harry says “To my big brother George – the richest man in town”.  YA looked at me in surprise, as if tearing up at a movie you’ve seen before is just too weird to understand.  I suppose we shouldn’t discuss the last line of Princess Bride, should we?

How can YA, at the age of 30 and having lived her entire life under the same roof with me, not know this movie?  Or get a little verklempt at the end?  I feel like a complete failure as a parent!

Watched any holiday movies this year? And do not list Die Hard as a holiday movie.  Just don’t.

Steve Slew a Dragon

Thanksgiving will always be a day during which I stop at least once to think about Steve, who we lost in 2021.  Steve was the first baboon that I met in person; I’ve read all his books; I remember his horror when he realized he had fed me something with chicken stock.  I still miss him on the trail.  Here is another of his posts, one of my favorites from April of 2021.

A friend and I used to discuss troublesome issues in our lives. We called them our “dragons.” Dragons are problems can only be dispatched with exceptional effort and resolve.

Few problems qualify as dragons, which is good. Most of us handle routine problems with routine efficiency.  Alas, some problems are a lot nastier or complicated than others.  Some of us have anxieties that prevent us from addressing certain issues forthrightly. Sometimes problems become entangled with side issues. Throw some procrastination into the mix, and what could have been a baby problem might grow up and begin belching enough fire to qualify as a dragon.

Examples? You don’t gain street cred as a dragon killer for beating a head cold, but beating cancer will earn you respect with anyone. Overcoming any addiction would surely count. The friend referenced in my opening paragraph slew a dangerous dragon when she escaped a marriage that was destroying her soul. From what I’ve read, the nastiest dragon Barack Obama faced down in his two terms as president might have been nicotine.

My most recent dragon should have been no big deal. Last September my computer emitted an electronic scream, seized and died. I had expected that. Computers typically remain healthy and functional for five to ten years. My fifteen-year-old computer was clearly living on borrowed time. I had prepared by backing my data files, although I could not back my applications.

I bought a replacement computer loaded with Microsoft’s Office, a choice forced on me because that is the only way I could get Word, the word processing app I’ve used for thirty-four years. Office costs $70. That is probably reasonable, although it irked me to pay for a suite of ten programs just to get the one program I use. But Microsoft enjoys something like a total monopoly on basic Windows business software.

Microsoft inserts a feature in the Office software that causes it to shut down unless users can prove that they have paid for it. To validate my purchase, I peeled back a piece of tape that covered the confirmation code. The tape ripped the cardboard beneath it, destroying the middle six numbers of a code of about twenty numbers. As it was designed to do, my software soon froze rock solid. I could not create new documents nor could I edit the many files already on my hard drive. Every time I turned on my computer, a niggling message from Microsoft reminded me I had not validated the purchase. As if I could forget!

Worse, there was no way I could contact Microsoft. The company recently eliminated its customer service office. Microsoft now directs customers with problems to some internet data banks that supposedly answer all questions. Of course, the data banks say nothing about what to do when the company’s own security tape destroys a validation number. I learned there are many businesses claiming they can help customers struggling with Microsoft apps. Those businesses didn’t want to talk to me until I shared my contact information or subscribed to their services. Then I’d learn again that my particular problem could not be resolved by anyone outside Microsoft. And nobody inside Microsoft would speak to me.

Over a span of seven months I spent many wretched hours dialing numbers and writing email pleas for help. The shop that sold the computer to me clucked sympathetically but told me to take my complaints to Microsoft. Members of a group called “the Microsoft community” kept telling me it would be easy to fix this issue, but none of them could provide a phone number that worked. While I could have purchased the software again for another $70, the rank injustice of that was more than I could bear.

I finally learned about a set of business applications called LibreOffice, the top-rated free alternative to Office. It is open source software, free to everyone. But people who put their faith in free software often get burned, for “free” often just means that the true price is hidden. I worried that this software would not allow me to edit all the documents I’ve created over thirty-four years of writing with Word. And—silly, silly me—I kept hoping I could find one friendly person in Microsoft who would thaw my frozen software. So I dithered for weeks.

Last week I took a deep breath and downloaded LibreOffice. It loaded like a dream. LibreOffice’s word processor, “Writer,” is friendly and intuitive. Ironically, I like it quite a bit better than Word. With it I can edit all my old Word documents, and I used the new software to write this post.

That particular dragon is dead, kaput and forever out of my life. Other dragons await my attention, malodorous tendrils of smoke curling up out their nostrils. I did not triumph over Microsoft, as that smug firm never even knew it had a conflict with me. Still, I celebrate the way this all ended. When we slay a dragon, the most significant accomplishment might be that we, however briefly, have triumphed over our personal limitations.

Any dragons in your past that you wouldn’t mind mentioning?

What She Said…

At a funeral in September, the father of my deceased friend came over to talk to the rest of us from her book club.  He was proud of how intelligent she had been and how much she had loved reading.  He surprised us by asking us each if we had a favorite book and what character would we like to be in that book.  At the time I answered A Christmas Carol, which I read every December and that I would like to be Mrs. Cratchit.  She was considered a good person but wasn’t a doormat.  This is my favorite quote from her “I wish I had him here.  I’d give him a piece of my mind to feast upon, and I hope he’d have a good appetite for it.”

But I’ve had a couple of months and I have a couple more.  I always admired Helen Burns, the little friend of Jane Eyre who dies from mistreatment at the “school”.  “It is not violence that best overcomes hate – nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.”  Good words for our current times.

While The Martian is one of my favorite books of all time, I wouldn’t want to be Mark (the main character).  A little too distressing for me.  I want to be Melissa Lewis, the captain of the mission, who turns around when they’re almost back to Earth when they find out that Mark is still alive.  “All right team, stay in sight of each other.  Let’s make NASA proud today..”   Even though I’m sure she got court-martialed when they all got back home, even after saving Mark. 

I’m not sure which character in Wrinkle in Time I would want to be but my favorite quote is early on in the book when Meg’s mother says “But you see, Meg, just because we don’t understand doesn’t mean that the explanation doesn’t exist.”  My hero Neil deGrasse Tyson has said something very similar.

Do you have a character you’d like to be?  Or a good quote from a book you like?

Chop Chop

There has been a karate school a few blocks from my house all the time I have lived here (think going on 3+ decades).  I’ve really never paid attention to it at all.

Well, I got invited there to watch Marie (little girl who used to next door to me) take part in her karate class.  If I had any assumptions before going, they were almost all wrong.

The karate school is woman-owned (not Japanese karate master-owned) with primarily women instructors (not Japanese karate masters).   I saw a bit of three classes – the one before Marie’s, then Marie’s and then the very beginning of the class after.  It was approximately 2/3 girls (not a bunch of Asian little boys).   I actually only saw one Asian kid the whole night.  So much for all my assumptions.  To be fair, all I knew about karate before this was what I learned from watching James Bond movies.

Marie’s class is about 40 minutes long and the very first class was half instruction about when and when NOT to use their karate skills.  Marie is the smallest in her class but pretty feisty.  Another little girl had the karate yell down pat and one of the little boys could hardly wait for the instructor to give the go-ahead for the next move.  They were all very cute.

I did a little searching on the internet and the history/etymology of karate is WAY too extensive for me to even try to parse it.  You’ll thank me for that!

Have you ever learned any karate / judo / taekwondo / sumo??

A Penny for Your Thoughts?

I’ve heard folks rail about pennies for years but really didn’t pay much attention to them.  It surprised me in reading the news of the last pennies being minted this week, that it actually costs 4 cents to make a penny.  It’s shocking to me that we’ve been minting these coins for awhile at a 300% markup.  Why didn’t we quit this silliness earlier?

When I was growing up, my dad kept a jar on the dresser and every night all the coins in his pocket went in.  My mother used to fish out any quarters, dimes and nickels that she found but she left the pennies until the jar was full, then she took them to the bank.  Occasionally a few pennies would be meted out to me and my sister, but not too often. 

I discovered last January when I visited, that my mother is still putting coins into a jar in her chiffarobe.  Apparently she doesn’t do this on a regular basis, just when she thinks her wallet is getting too heavy.  Quarters go in a separate jar for the washer and dryer in her condo building.  I also discovered that banks are no longer very interested in helping the public deal with their coins.  And those coin machines you occasionally see at grocery stores?  A pretty hefty fee and the grocery store near my mom’s would only give you store credit.  A little calling around and I did find a bank about 15 minutes away that had a sorting machine, but you had to deal with it yourself.  Not too awful but you could only put in one kind of coin at a time so it was laborious.  Luckily it was a branch of my mom’s bank, so I could just deposit the money into her account.

No coin jars at my house and if there had been, that experience with my mom’s coins would have cured me.  The news is that people are worried that every business will eventually start rounding up the price of your purchases.  Personally I can see that happening with cash purchases, but with so many purchases being credit card/cyber transactions, I’m not too worried.  

Was there a coin jar in your house growing up?  What about now?

When the Moon Hits Your Eye..

If  you don’t like this post – it’s Jacque’s fault!

As those of you in Blevins know, I sometimes like to bring something for the potluck that aligns somehow with one of the books we’ve read or is a favorite of the author.  Walter Mosley got espresso chocolate brownies.  Louise Penny got miniature croissants with chocolate sauce on the side.  For the book Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos I was very pleased with my cupcakes adorned with shards of “glass” – made by melting Jolly Rancher candies and then breaking it up into sharp-looking pieces.

This month I was in the mood to do something fun but wasn’t sure what to make.  I didn’t think I’d get an answer in time from John Scalzi about his favorite food and I figured the only way I would find out about Mary Shelley’s favorite would be if she communicated from beyond the grave.  Not my cup of tea.

I decided that moon pies would be fun, except that all the commercially available moon pies have gelatin in them- that’s why I haven’t had a moon pie since I was a kid.  So I headed to the internet and found a relatively straightforward recipe using marshmallow cream.  Marshmallow cream is easy to make but purchasing a jar of marshmallow cream from the grocery store is even easier.  I made the graham biscuit dough, rolled it out, cut it with a crimped cutter and baked.  That turned out to be the easy part.  Marshmallow cream is incredibly futzy to work with.  First I tried to pipe it from a pastry bag, but getting the cream into the bag was just about impossible and having a star piping tip was worthless as the cream settled into a star-less blob anyway.  I abandoned the bag and just used a spatula but at this point had cream all over.  I had to put the sandwiches in the freezer for a bit and then I started the chocolate.  I was really having trouble just dipping the whole cookie so I switched to icing the top and the sides with a spatula instead.  I had chocolate EVERYWHERE (think both hands, handle to the double boiler, the counter, spoon, the spatula, the floor….).  I had to use my teeth to pull up my sleeves at one point.  There’s something to be said about having stuff made in factories with enrobing machines:

But in the end, it was very satisfying to make them and they turned out to taste great… quite rich so if I ever try this again, I’ll make them smaller.  Of course, we’ll have to read another book about the moon!

Tell me about a favorite book and what food you would bring to represent it to a potluck!

I’m Blooming Nuts

Once, when YA was about five, she didn’t want to turn off the light in her bedroom – her reasoning being that she didn’t want her stuffed animals (a prodigious crowd) to be worried in the dark. 

I couldn’t really give her grief about it.  After all, she comes by this stuffy empathy honestly – she gets it from me.  I was quite active in the naming of all her stuffed critters and gave in to her desire to anthropomorphize them big time.  Heck I once carried my stuffed javelina Henrietta in my carry-on bag because it didn’t feel right to close into the suitcase!

It shouldn’t surprise you then to know that I am having a little trouble dumping my flowering baskets this fall.  I usually plant the baskets on Mother’s Day – sometimes a few days before or after depending on the weather.  Then when the blooms fall, I stack up the deceased baskets alongside the garage in the back of the yard.

Here’s the problem; it’s been a full six months and five of the fifteen baskets still have flowers on them!  I’ve been moving the baskets around, taking the empty shepherds pole away and storing them in the garage.  With the temperature below zero more than a few nights now, I was worried about being able to wrench the poles out of frozen ground.  But I just couldn’t bring myself to stack the baskets with flowers in the back.

So I set the baskets on the back steps (see the photo above).  The last basket is on the front steps, which is where its shepherds pole stood all summer.  Since it won’t be above freezing even during the day for a few days, I’m guessing the flowers are making their last hurrah but at least they will be making that hurrah on the back steps, being appreciated whenever I open the back door!

Are you irrational about anything?

Prince Who?

On Tuesday we talked about trick-or-treaters and Bill mentioned that he and Robin also ask kids about their costumes.  I assume that most all adults do this.  It’s a low-level way to make a short connection.

One of my last little groups consisted of a girl in a pink princess dress and a boy in some kind of princely attire.  Knowing that I would never see these kids again and knowing that they won’t care a whit about whether I’m crazy or not, I started a conversation:

Me:  What a great costume.  Are you the Count of Monte Cristo? (knowing full well this kids wouldn’t know what I was talking about.)
Count:  No, I’m Prince Philip
Me:  Oh, from Sleeping Beauty.
Count:  No from Maleficent.
Me:  Silence for a bit.
Me:  (turning to the girl)  Are you a princess?
Count:  She’s Sleeping Beauty
Me:  more silence
Me:  Here we go (handing out the candy)

While I was perfectly willing to be silly about the Count of Monte Cristo, I didn’t think I needed to get into an argument on my front steps with kids about Prince Philip trick-or-treating with Sleeping Beauty but not knowing they were in the same story.

Tell me about a costume you wore as a child (Halloween, school play, whatever…)

 

Tech Levity

First the technology, then the laughter.

Thanks to YA, we actually have three Echoes in the house.  I’ve never been quite sure why they are called Echo instead of just Alexa, since you have to say “Alexa” to wake them up.  But that’s a mystery for another day.  One of these devices is in my bedroom and her primary occupation is to tell me the current temperature.  Every now and then, when I am too lazy to grab my phone, she gets the occasional “what time is ***** open today?”  She does try to get me to up my game by asking me periodically if I want her to perform some other task, to which my answer is always “no thanks”.

Now to the laughter.

The last couple of days I’ve been watching My Life is Murder on DVDs that I got from the library.  It’s a murder mystery series starring Lucy Lawless of Xena Warrior Princess fame.  It’s filmed in Australia and New Zealand.  It’s not a cozy but it’s not as dark as a lot of the other mystery series out there.  I’m really enjoying it.

The main character’s name is Alexa Crowe, a retired police detective who consults on hard-to-solve cases.  At least once each episode (I’ve seen about 12 of them so far), someone will use this character’s name and my Echo/Alexa promptly responds “I’m sorry I don’t think I can help you with this”.  The first time it happened I wasn’t quite sure I had heard correctly so I backed up the DVD to hear it again.  Yep – my Alexa was answering the tv.

In the last episode of the second season, someone asked “Alexa, how are you doing?”.  My Alexa immediately responded “I’m doing OK today, thank you.”  I about fell off the bed, I laughed so hard.  It felt good to laugh that hard.  But then I realized that my tv and my Echo/Alexa may be in a relationship that I don’t know about!

Anything you can laugh at this week?