Category Archives: Uncategorized

No Planet Left Behind

Here’s a note that came in yesterday afternoon from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden, who knows the routine and the calendar at Wendell Wilkie High School much better than the teachers and administrators.

Hi Mr. C.

I’m sitting in study hall with nothing to do after finishing the MCA tests. That’s the Minnesota Comprehensive Assessments. They’re the tests we take to find out if we’re really the miserable losers our parents say we are, and also how bad our school is failing based on the rules for the No Child Left Behind Law.

I can tell you that law is definitely not working at Wilkie ‘cause I’ve been Left Behind, Kicked To The Side, Thrown To The Wolves, Pushed To The Curb and Tossed From The Train over and over again for so many years in a row now that school visitors pretty much always mistake me for the janitor.

Seriously, I’ve got a 5 day shadow by 5th hour every day. If I gained about 200 pounds I could totally pass for Mr. Lootanen.

But I wouldn’t want to be a school janitor. Cleaning up our school is the hardest job on Earth. Teenagers are gross. Me included. I just got caught dropping a Tootsie Roll wrapper on the floor and Ms. Flipping, our study hall monitor this hour, called me out on it. Actually, her name isn’t Ms. Flipping, that’s just what we call her because of how she reacts to things. Kinda dramatic. I couldn’t even defend myself because you know how slow your mouth gets when there’s a Tootsie Roll in there. I was helpless.

So anyway, she got steamed and said I should go online and find some resources and then write an essay based on my research about what I would do to clean up the planet for Earth Day, which is this Sunday. And then, she said, I would have to prove to her on Monday that I actually did something that was on the list.

The Earth is kinda big, so now I’m thinking maybe I’d be better off pretending to be Mr. Lootanen and trying to pick up here at the school.

But then I found this article at The Huffington Post that really makes it simple. According to the writer, I can take a hike with my family, (Somebody at home IS always telling me to ‘take a hike’) pick up litter in my neighborhood with friends, (I would have to get a totally different group of friends to try this one), come up with a recycling plan for the coming year, (I thought years just automatically recycled themselves – isn’t that how people like you get to be so old?) or join a larger public clean-up (my grandfather says there’s nothing clean about the larger public – that’s why he never goes out).

I was starting to feel a little desperate. I didn’t think I’d be able to do any of these things. But then I saw this last Earth Day idea: “Even if you can’t do any of the above – make sure you take some time to think about the importance of preserving our planet.”

Ahhh! That’s more like it! My life has been all about finding the simplest answer on a long series of multiple choice tests. There’s always an easy way out of having to do something, if you show some patience and look for it.

Yes, the planet is important, and preserving it is a good idea. If there were no planet, we’d just be floating free in space with no air or bicycles or cocoanuts – three things I would not want to have to do without.

Whew! Job accomplished for another year!

Your Earth Protecting Pal,
Bubby

What are you doing for Earth Day?

Squirrels Suspected in Holiday Rampage

Header photo by William N. Beckon

During the quiet hours before a scheduled Easter morning candy-filled egg hunt last week, wild marauders apparently invaded a local backyard and literally crashed the party. At least two dozen brightly colored plastic eggs filled with wrapped chocolate candy and jellybeans were found cracked, smashed, bitten, clawed and broken open by unknown agents who may harbor a grudge against fake animals and pretend nature.

Chix Licken with a basket of ravaged plastic eggs

Battery-operated poultry impersonator Chix Lickin’ is pictured here with a portion of the carnage – a basketful of phony eggs wantonly invaded by what she calls “egg-sucking, bushy tailed candy hogs.” She says the attack was premeditated. “Not that they think all that much,” Lickin’ sniffed. “All the contents of the compromised not-really-eggs were completely fouled,” claimed the false fowl, furiously.

Her comments were echoed by Coco Hollow, a one-eared confectionary rabbit who is only visible in profile, and a squishy marshmallow hatchling simply named “Peep”.

“We are Easter Kitsch, modeled after natural things,” said Hollow, with a hint of pride, “but we take it to places nature is unable to go. That causes some resentment.”

Hollow is made entirely of chocolate and confesses to being “… unnatural in the extreme.”

A culprit poised for mischief

Peep, though fashioned from basic foodstuffs, is so saturated with chemicals she admits “I’ll live forever if I’m not eaten by someone who will be immediately disappointed afterwards.” This, she said, may indicate that the underlying conflict is related to a Natural Creature vs. Manufactured Product rivalry.

“They say nature abhors a vacuum,” Peep mused. “But I think nature hates plastic even more.”

“And loves chocolate,” added Hollow.

“It’s very complicated,” said Peep, sadly.

Squirrels: Social Misfits or Anarchists Bent on Overthrow of the Human Race?

Caught Walking

Yesterday’s Boston Marathon was one of the hottest on record, literally. Readings well into the 80’s led the event organizers at the Boston Athletic Association (BAA) to discourage participation by a particular class of athletes who had already registered to run. According to the Boston Herald:

Race organizers pleaded for runners to leave the 26.2-mile course to only the most experienced athletes. Those who have not met a qualifying time should bow out, the BAA said, warning the risk of running is “higher than normal.” “Only the fittest runners should consider participating,” the BAA said in a statement.

Our Goat Raising Community will certainly find some amusement in the notion of official pronouncements of any sort being issued by “the BAA.”

But what if, rather than telling people to stay home, the BAA had bleated that they slow down or even walk? If you had planned to run 26.2 miles, would it feel like a terrible defeat of some sort to walk it instead? Worse than not going at all?

Running is seen as active and worthwhile. Politicians “run” for office, they don’t “walk.” The only one I can think of who actually DID walk for office was the one-term Governor of Illinois, the appropriately named Dan Walker. Walker got a lot of attention in 1971 for walking 1,197 miles across his state to get the Democratic nomination against the formidable opposition of the Daley Machine in Chicago. The next time the Governor’s office was on the ballot, Walker lost in the primary to the Daley-backed candidate. Years later, he was charged with bank fraud and eventually plead guilty, serving 18 months in prison for irregularities that occurred after his time in office.

One could argue that he wound up in a familiar place for Illinois Governors – it just took Walker longer to get there.

But we do seem to have a thing about walking – there’s an assumption that it is the least desirable way to get someplace. Tom Vanderbilt, who has written volumes about our driving habits, just did a series in Slate last week about Walking In America. Surprise! As an activity, it’s just not that popular. In spite of efforts to promote it.

In a study back in 2003, it was determined that Americans averaged 5117 steps per day.

Seems like a lot, but it turns out we walk less than most other people, including those in Switzerland and Japan, two countries with a lot less walking room. Certainly the USA has more than it’s share of flat, wide open spaces where walking should be easy. But we’re just not that into it.

We’ve had several discussions here about walking the Superior Trail and the Appalachian Trail, and even one about the right musical tempo for walking. But what about walking as a way to get to the grocery store?

Is the built environment just too hostile to pedestrians, or is it that we don’t feel we have the time to walk someplace?

What kind of change would make it possible for you to walk more?

Wherefore Bart Thou?

I just got another voluminous text from a friend without thumbs. I can only imagine the amount of time it takes him to write these!

Bart - The Bear Who Found a Smart Phone

Hey there. Bart here.

My old pals at the DNR sent out this press release that kinda ticks me off – all about “nuisance” bears. If any particular kind of critter deserves the word “nuisance” in front of their name, it’s NOT the bears. I’d explain just who I’m talking about but you already know I’m right.

The DNR gives us a long list of things that people are NOT supposed to do – things that supposedly encourage “nuisance” bears. I hate lists.

* Do not leave food outdoors from barbeques and picnics, especially overnight; coolers are not bear-proof.

Why do you make more food than you can eat? And yes, we know how to open your coolers! If you ate what we eat in springtime, you’d need something cold to wash it down!

* Replace hummingbird feeders with hanging flower baskets that are also attractive to hummingbirds.

What makes you think I don’t like pretty things? Bears aren’t barbearians!

* Eliminate birdfeeders or hang them 10 feet up and 4 feet out from the nearest trees; use a rope and pulley system to refill them and clean up seeds that spill onto the ground.
Where bears are a nuisance, birdfeeders should be taken down between April 1 and Dec. 1.

This is perverse. You’re punishing birds because I’m fat.
Have you no shame?

* Pick fruit from trees as soon as it’s ripe and collect fallen fruit immediately.

Greedy! Who has time to do this?

* Limit compost piles to grass, leaves and garden clippings; adding lime can reduce smells and help decomposition

Love the lime. And add tequila for a Compost Margarita!

* Clean barbeque grills after each use, and store them in a secure shed or garage away from windows and doors.

I have never seen a human clean a barbecue grill. And believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time in the shadows, watching.

* Elevate bee hives on bear-proof platforms or erect properly designed electric fences.

You’ll get on a ladder with an active beehive? If you’re THAT daring, might as well be sure the electric fence is plugged in before you start to put it up. I’ll definitely watch!

* Do not put out feed for wildlife (e.g., corn, oats, pellets, molasses blocks).

Molasses comes in BLOCKS? WANT!

Here we go with another whole dang summer of you trying to keep me from having fun eating stuff. Just remember – I was not the one who asked you to stay out of the woods, and I definitely did not ask you to come without your food. You’re perfectly welcome to bring it here if you want.

Really.

Most of the other stuff they say about keeping your distance from me is true. I’m kind of shy and will go away if you give me the chance. But if you’re coming to visit me, be a good guest. I’d like a hostess gift, please. In fact, Hostess makes great gifts. I love Twinkies! Now they come in Chocolate Creme!

Just as I feared the last time he wrote, Bart has developed a Twinkie habit. Dang! Sometimes we have to protect our friends from the bad things they love. On the other hand, it sure is nice to see their faces light up when you deliver the contraband!

Fill in the blank – “Friends don’t let friends ________.

War Games

The following note was found wrapped inside a soggy, salty sweater vest that was plastered to the side of a river barge just below Lock & Dam #2 on the Mississippi.

Ahoy, landlubbers!

Lately me and me boys has been watchin’ with considerable interest th’ modern day equivalent of what you might call a classic sea battle. Th’ epic contest of the Santorum vs. the Romney – a tiny pipsqueak of a vessel what runs on hot air an’ moral superiority tryin’ to bring down a juggernaut what is loaded with guns an’ riches an’ is guided by an imperious Cap’n riding far above th’ fray.

Of course we was all rootin’ fer th’ Overmatched Challenger in this one, on account of we is pirates, and siding with th’ underdog is our natural tendency. So we is sorry to see th’ Santorum has called off its ill advised an’ unsuccessful attack.

As far as our support goes, there was nothin’ political in it. We don’t even know what th’ Santorum was after, ain’t that right boys? Aye. Probably nothin’ we’d agree with, seein’ as how as pirates our platform is mostly about th’ redistribution of wealth – primarily in a direction what benefits us, of course.

I heard a few things in th’ wind what suggested the Santorum was opposed to that sort of thing, and also might not look too kindly on a bunch o’ men sailin’ around together more or less permanently as lifelong companions the way we has been for well nigh on 20 years or so.

But to each his own, I say. Unless, of course, “your own” is somethin’ I wants. Then, according to my habits an’ the demands of the life I has chosen, I’ll have to take it!

Right boys? Right!

Anyhow, we was entertained by th’ antics of th’ Scrappy Santorum and we hopes to see an encore in some future, hopeless battle.

Your salty man among men,
Capt. Billy

And your loyal men among man,
The Crew of the Muskellunge

When have you had to fly the flag of surrender?

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Today is the Home Opener for the Minnesota Twins. People who love baseball see this as a special, almost sacred day. At the beginning of a new season, the faithful need not apologize for their championship hopes – all things are still possible.

Although in their first series at Baltimore, the Twins have emerged as champions for a more stark reality, finding new ways to show us their limitations.

But don’t give up just yet. Things can change over the course of a long season. Miracles happen. Talents emerge. And fade. That’s sports. We hear a lot of complaints about the way elite athletes can overdose on self-esteem, but for each of them there is a reckoning not too far down the road. Once they lose a step or swing the bat a half second slower, even the greatest are pushed towards the exits. The pressure to perform and win is merciless. The greatest are exalted and given special status, but humiliation is also part of the package.

And then there are the rest – the vast majority of amateur players who love the game but don’t have what it takes to play professionally. They might dream big league dreams in the early going, but for reasons related to size, speed, and ability, they soon realize that learning to balance a spread sheet or sell insurance or be a radio engineer will ultimately do them more good than continuing to try to hit the curve ball.

A lot of fine athletes have walked this path. One of them was my friend, Tom Keith, who died suddenly and far too early last October of a pulmonary embolism.

Tom had a great career as a ballplayer, starting out in the backyard working on fundamentals. Here he is scooping up a grounder. You can see he’s having a great time with this. Even as an adult he would happily instruct anyone who asked (and many who didn’t) on the proper technique.

At Sibley High School he was a star center fielder. Not very fearsome a presence at the plate, he made up for it on the base paths. In one pivotal game he took four bases, propelling his team into the state tournament.

You can see him here, sliding into third with another steal.

I’m not surprised to learn that Tom was a talented and successful thief. Speed is only part of base stealing. Another crucial factor is the ability to observe the pitcher closely, understand his motion and find an opening. Tom was very, very good at picking up the odd cues and funny quirks of other people. He was an excellent mimic, and could play yourself back to you, capturing your way of speaking, your posture, your words and even the gaps between words.

Timing is everything in base stealing and comedy.

Tom went on to play a season with the University of Minnesota Gophers, but his inability to hit and his less than imposing size made it unlikely that he would ever wear a professional jersey on opening day.

He joined the Marines and later took an engineering job at MPR. The rest, as they say, is history. But he always loved baseball, and this was an important day to him.

What’s your high school sports story?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I write a silly blog six days a week because I like writing. But like many writers, I also like NOT writing. More than either of these things, I like Having Written.

There is satisfaction in a job well done, and also in a job that is just … finished. The doing is something I could do without, but without the doing, nothing would get done. I know this is confusing.

Once upon a time I had a job where I was paid to confront these contradictions, but in another strange reversal, for the past few years I’ve paid for the privilege of doing it. I didn’t think the money mattered very much until it disappeared.

My blog can be about anything, but one thing it is NOT about is selling stuff. I decided to spare my readers the inconvenience of looking at commercial nonsense alongside my own non-profit nonsense. In fact, I pay extra to keep my blog advertising-free. But now I’m being offered the chance to allow ads to be placed on my page with a real possibility that I will get some money in return for it.

How much money? Almost nothing, I think. But no promises have been made, and “almost nothing” is certainly not a guarantee. It could turn out to be absolutely nothing.

Dr. Babooner, I’m concerned that allowing ads on the page would clutter up the scenery and make my readers feel exploited. But sometimes when I’m writing and wish I was NOT writing, I’d like to think there was a nickel or two to be gained by persevering.

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Conflicted

I told Conflicted he should find some roundabout way of asking his readers if it would be OK to try the advertising thing. I suggested that he use some thinly veiled scenario that anybody could see is a description of the actual situation. Even if some people say they don’t like the idea and others simply don’t get it, when the ads show up and the complaining starts, he could say it was all a joke, or a mistake, or some sort of performance art.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Arctic Art

Although I work with words and audio most of the time, I have great admiration for anyone who can take a good photograph. As discriminating baboons know, there’s a lot more to it than point-and-click. And for wildlife photographer Paul Nicklen, there’s a whole lot of physical courage involved as he steps out into Arctic weather and submerges himself in frozen oceans. Nicklen has worked at the top of his craft, producing features for National Geographic. He’s going to be speaking tonight at the University of Minnesota – part of a program by the U’s Institute on the Environment.

If you can only watch the first five minutes of this TED talk, you’ll get a sense for depth of his commitment and the quality of his work. And if you make it through the first five, you’ll feel a strong urge to watch the rest – but be warned! There are penguin innards on display. Cute!

Another measure of Nicklen’s intensity – I’d call it a day and send in my photos after swimming with one Leopard Seal. He took a dive with 30! No wonder the photos are so good.

Describe the best picture you’ve ever taken.

Car Cover

A freshly assembled and somewhat opportunistic e-mail arrived with the warm spring temperatures and the fresh, healthy weeds sprouting from my lawn.

It’s Spring! And that means it’s time to buy a new car from Wally’s Intimida – Home of the Sherpa!

Hi, Wally here. There’s nothing that’s quite as exciting to me as a new car – especially when it comes from my store and winds up parked in your driveway, or behind your house, or in the case of the Sherpa, around your house, actually STRADDLING the structure!

Yes, that’s right! The Sherpa is the biggest car on the road today – big enough to park over the house so you get the extra measure of protection that only a 100 thousand pound car can give you! And in this time of unpredictable climate change featuring widespread and indiscriminate tornados and tsunamis, that’s an extra measure of comfort you can’t afford to be without!

You may have seen the video of a tornado throwing around tractor-trailers in Dallas. That’s a very bad thing, but no tornado would DARE do that to an Intimida Sherpa. The Sherpa is aggressively massive and distinctly aerodynamic, unlike a semi. A tornado may try to pick it up, but getting a grip on the Sherpa is like trying to grab a wet bar of soap from the shower floor. An incredibly heavy wet bar of soap! And underneath that stubborn soap sits your house, all snug and protected! Isn’t that worth having a few random drops of oil in your roof? Consider it part of the price you pay for peace of mind!

Our parents had dreams for us, and for many those dreams simply won’t come true. What did they want us to have? Good jobs and loving families, of course. But also they wanted us to have nice cars and secure dwellings. Sadly, many people lack even those basics.

Yes, times are still tough, but a fresh wind is blowing. It could be your local tornado. It could be the exhaust from a new Sherpa. Or it could be that people are starting to buy homes and cars again and here at Wally’s Intimida, we don’t want to be left out. That’s why all our Sherpas have to do double duty!

Some have a beautiful dream of a nice little house with a carport. I’m suggesting you make your great big car your houseport! Come on down to Wally’s Intimida today and let’s talk about protecting your abode with a topper from the road – a Sheltering Sherpa from Intimida.

It’s a mighty big, mighty hard-to-pick-up car!

Yours in Security,

Wally

You have to admire the agility of Wally’s pitch, even though pushing the windstorm security aspects of the heavyweight Sherpa on the heels of a major tornado is a bit tacky. Ok, it’s EXTREMELY tacky.

Where do you go when it’s time to take cover?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

My husband’s attention is easily captured by contests.

I patiently worked with him through the heady highs and the heart crushing lows of his sudden obsession with the Mega Millions drawing last Friday. Somehow he convinced himself we were going to win and we would be forced to do something charitable because we would simply run out of things to want for ourselves.

He became completely worked up over the difficult philanthropic choice he knew we would face – whether to set up an organization to rehabilitate invasive Asian Carp who want to stop leaping, or create a home for Facebook Orphans – the sad children whose parents won’t friend them.

But we didn’t win anything at all! Instead of planning our victory announcement, I had to help him do calm-down exercises all through the weekend. Who knew writing explanatory haiku could be so therapeutic?

Now in the harsh light of Monday morning I see that it was all for naught – he’s stuck in a pattern of serial enthrallment, lurching from one popular thing to another.

Today it’s the Final Four.

He can’t stop talking about, thinking about, and fretting over the outcome of tonight’s Kentucky vs. Kansas contest – a basketball game that, to me, is utterly meaningless because it involves two states that I could never tell apart to begin with. One of them is certain to win but I’m sure that by tomorrow morning I won’t be able to remember which one it was.

As my husband pores over the line-ups and number-crunches the statistics, I tell him that these things always seem to come down to a couple of dapper millionaire coaches shouting about fouls with 3.7 seconds on the clock, and then some gawky near-teenager who hasn’t done his calculus homework trying to make a free throw with 0.6 seconds left.

I tell my husband to skip all the pre-game and mid-game angst and just tune in for the last 12.9 seconds. He won’t miss a thing! But words are useless. He doesn’t hear me and I know I won’t be able to get his attention again until Wednesday at the earliest.

Obviously I’m frustrated.

Why do they call it the “Final” Four when everyone knows there will be four more next year? I would be able to take these major sporting events more seriously if they truly represented the end – let’s crown a champion and then never, ever play the game again.

Is that too much to ask?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Fanatic

I told Mr. Fanatic that yes, in fact, it IS Too Much To Ask.

We all find it very easy to insist that other people give up things we don’t like. After all, it would be easy for US to walk away from the lottery and the Final Four – what’s the problem? And it feels great to scoff at these hopeless addicts. But what if someone asked you to stop feeling so superior? That could be a very hard habit to break.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?