Like all other officially registered, photo-ID carrying residents of Minnesota’s 9th Congressional District (all the water surface area in the state), I received this e-mail yesterday afternoon.

Greetings constituents!

Last summer I wrote a newsletter that, like most of my newsletters, went largely unread. That’s OK, I don’t mind. I know my people have busy enough lives without having to pay attention to me! It was a chatty and harmless lark. I talked about how changeable my mind has become, and how I see flexibility as one of my greatest political assets.

Since then, and unbeknownst to me, “flexible” has become a dirty word. President Obama as been labeled our profaner in chief for dropping this newest “F” bomb on Russian President Dimitri Medvedev when he said, apparently thinking the conversation was confidential, that he could be “more flexible” on missile system deployment talks after he (Obama) wins re-election. As a result, a lot of people who once wanted to literally bomb the Russians are now up in arms, saying the president’s hint-hint about “flexibility” is a sign that he is getting ready to give away the farm to Vladimir after November 6th.

Nobody thinks he was really talking about taking yoga classes this Fall, although I think that would be a great idea! No, it’s pretty clear that the President was talking about a necessary difference between his required pre-election positions and his possible post-election actions.

This will hurt Obama among consistency-loving voters who want their politicians to not be politicians. And I fully recognize that if there is going to be a Flexibility Backlash (I’m pretty sure that IS a Hot Yoga pose), I may be swept out of office along with the President (good thing we limbered up)! If so, so be it.

But here’s one thing I want you to remember – when I boasted about always “agreeing with the last person I talked to,” that was an iron-clad promise that I intend to keep.
As my constituent, that solemn pledge means you will always have a chance to change my mind. Get to me at the right moment and you could win the lottery – your view could carry the day! Isn’t that a little more exciting than being represented by someone whose ideas are set in stone? People want to have some hope, and I can give them that, because I’m willing to change.

In fact, all that stuff I said about flexibility almost one year ago is pretty much kaput. I only said it to lock down the prevaricator vote, which commits early in the process. Next come the equivocators, who are famously hard to gauge. All politicians have to work these crowds early. We save the one-issue voters and compromise haters for last – say the magic words and they’ll always fall into place.

And yes, by saying this I admit that I am a politician, unless you insist that you really don’t want one, in which case I might turn out to be just an ordinary guy who could greatly benefit from some stretching exercises done in a very warm room to really loud music.

The world is like that, sometimes. Lock your knees if you must, but when you straighten up too fast, it could make you dizzy!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

Can you touch your toes?

Yes, the political candidates must be jealous. Goats can make headlines just by being goats in places where you don’t expect to see goats. Who needs a Super PAC when you can get your picture in The Huffington Post, The Daily Mail, New York Magazine and all over Twitter simply because no one has ever seen you stand while eating pizza in a Manhattan restaurant?

This is great publicity for any aspiring president who wants to capture the Pizzeria Vote, the Two-Legs-Good, Four-Legs-Bad Vote, the Urban Farmer Vote and, of course, the Goat Vote. It probably doesn’t do much to advance your chances with the Health Inspector Caucus, however.

Then there’s the woman who wants to keep goats in her yard, and as a result had to have a tense meeting with her neighbors. I guess the areas was so exclusive, there was simply no ruminant. What would they do if she had a sex offender living out back?

And it’s just not that often that you get to see the phrase “rogue pygmy goat” in a headline. Never, really. Godzilla, move over. It seems the “tiny” animal used its horns to break a window at a laundromat in Ravenna, Michigan. And then it eluded the authorities, according to the business owners:

The Steins said the goat is so fast that Muskegon County Sheriff deputies at the scene couldn’t catch him either. A deputy spotted the little rogue, but it outran him, according to a sheriff’s report.
“Cheryl tried to catch the goat, but the goat was too fast to catch. While speaking with Cheryl we located the goat. We tried to catch the goat, however, it ran into the fields behind the business.”
Ted Stein said the little goat has been taunting them ever since Tuesday’s incident.

I’m sure little goats can be rather quick. But I’m also certain that some big sheriff’s deputies can be quite slow. And as goats go, it’s the saucy ones that will taunt you. At any rate, this monster is still on the loose.

Name a place where you would draw unwelcome attention to yourself, just by being you.