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Of Two Minds

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

beechly-speech

Greetings Constituents!

I had a wonderful time in the 9th district during my extended August break, floating around Lac du Loon on my executive inner tube. But now I’m back in our nation’s capital for what will be, I’m certain, a very exciting September. I am already starting to adjust my way of thinking. 

As an unaffiliated and unacknowledged member of the House of Representatives, I’ll have some serious choices to make over the next few weeks.

  1. Should I stand with the president on striking at Syria in some meaningful, attention-getting, but non-invasive way?
  2. Should I hold the line on the budget by refusing to raise the debt ceiling, thereby risking a default?
  3. Should I give a hoot about passing laws, or do I just want to UNpass some?
  4. Should Congress act to take control of Miley Cyrus’ career before she spirals completely out of control and winds up in Lindsay Lohan territory?

These are the pressing issues of the day, and I wish I had quick, easy answers.

But I don’t! As a member of Congress, I’m usually too busy talking about various things to be able to take the time necessary to know anything about them. So on the mysterious questions listed above, I’ve decided to use the zig-zag voting strategy. That’s where I alternate votes to keep my opponents guessing and to give the Law of Averages a chance to make me right sometimes.

So I’ll vote “Yes” “No” “Yes” “No.” In that order.

And I do this fully aware that the public will not love me for it.   Americans’ approval rating for Congress is remarkably low. The irony is stunning. Every two years we run so hard in our districts to try to get everyone to love us. And for our success, the reward is to be stuck in a job where we are routinely and robustly despised.

I know this, and yet I don’t know it, because I’ve concluded that in order to make a decent life in public service, you need to have two brains where each one does not quite know what the other one is up to. One brain can stay convinced that you are brilliant, charming and good, while the other brain absorbs criticism and says all the things that are necessary to raise campaign funds.

And of course with two brains, you always have deniability. Though sometimes it helps to have three in case the first two start comparing notes. By now I might be up to as many as five – I’m not entirely sure. But no matter how minds I have running at any one time, I’m proud to say that at least one of my them faithfully represents Minnesota’s fabled 9th District!

And the other one is, of course, thoroughly appalled.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

How many minds do you have?

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Kittens In Peril

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A couple of Manhattan subway lines were halted for a time last week when authorities became aware that two very young felines were last seen heading down one of the tunnels.

EPSON MFP image

You have to be impressed at the power of baby animals to move the hearts of humans. It turns out nobody, not even rough-tough New Yorkers, wanted to be held responsible for mangling kittens beneath the wheels of a subway car. That’s a super-villian level of nastiness that most of us can only aspire to.

The people who decided to stop rail traffic to support the kitten search did so knowing full well they were inconveniencing commuters and costing the transit agency a considerable amount of money. Still, they took the risk expecting to be forgiven. And who can fault them? It looks like everything worked out for the best because the kittens were found and returned to their owner.

When it comes to pets in trouble, we seem to instinctively know the right thing to do.  It does make you wonder what other decisions might be made easier by juicing the narrative with pets in jeopardy. These examples of real news copy have only a few minor word changes.

From the Star Tribune:
A group of metro leaders voted Wednesday to reject a $330 million deep tunnel for the future Southwest Corridor light-rail, citing opposition to cat carnage.

From The Wall Street Journal:
The U.S. economy expanded at a modest to moderate pace in recent months, led by consumer spending on puppy armor, according to the Federal Reserve’s survey of regional economic conditions released Wednesday.

From CBS News:
Former President Bill Clinton, once dubbed America’s “secretary of explaining stuff” by President Obama, laid out a rigorous defense of the Affordable Care Act on Wednesday, urging supporters and detractors of the health care reform law to work together on its implementation instead of “flat-out murdering defenseless kittens.“

From the St. Paul Pioneer Press:
For as long as anyone in Marine on St. Croix can remember, dogs have been welcome at the village’s post office. No more. Residents learned last week that a longstanding U.S. Postal Service policy barring all dogs except service dogs in the post office would now be strictly enforced. Blaire, Linda Tibbetts’ West Highland white terrier, was crushed when she learned the news.

Actually that last one was unchanged. How can they get away with crushing terriers at the Marine on St. Croix Post Office?

As we’ve already established here on Trail Baboon, our pets tend to be more likable than most people and are considered to be members of the family.
In addition, they are:

  • True to their own nature, no matter how disgusting.
  • Possessed of distinct personalities.
  • Not inclined to do chores.
  • Allowed to nap as much as they wish.
  • Quickly forgiven for misbehavior.

A person fitting the above description is probably not someone they’d shut down any part of the New York City subway system to protect, should he wander into a tunnel.

I can think of two instances when other people went a little nuts because I might be in jeopardy, and by “other people” I mean my one and only dear departed mother.

One was when I wandered away from the group on a Scout trip to a theme park, and the other was when I decided to walk home alone from an after school program because she was late in picking me up.

When I was finally found, I was roundly (and deservedly) scolded.  Both times.

When have you wandered away from the group?

History

Contract Talks

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Today is Labor Day, a national holiday set to recognize the economic and social contributions of working people. Rally away! It’s a day of pride for those in organized labor and it’s also a seasonal transition point marking the unofficial end of summer and a return to a more intense work schedule.

Labor_Day_Rally

If you feel like you’ve been working too hard since forever, disregard that last point and carry on. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to dial it back a bit. Celebrity banker Jamie Dimon can shift in and out of summer hours, but the woman who works the drive-through at your local McDonald’s doesn’t have that option. The Locked Out Musicians of the Minnesota Orchestra would love to be able to ramp it back up, but are blocked from doing so. It can get complicated.

Some jobs you do solely for the purpose of putting food on the table. Other tasks you perform out of a sense of duty. Still more work can be done for fun, education and/or personal satisfaction. But ultimately there are only 24 hours in a day and when all of them are spoken for, something has to give.

I’ve come to such an intersection with Trail Baboon, and need to create some space in my personal schedule. While the quality of the writing may not always reflect it, I’m in the habit of setting aside a couple of hours each evening to identify and explore blog topics, and then to struggle to create some text that applies to the question at hand. How can it take so long to arrange such a few words? I wish I could explain it but I’m baffled. The fact that we have now exceeded one thousand posts is, to me, a miracle.

Whatever the reason, the six-days-per-week posting schedule, even with the generous contributions of Trail Baboon’s wonderful guest writers, is too much. And there’s clear evidence that less can be more when it comes to this type of writing. Many people do not want to sign up to receive a daily post from me or anyone – I’ve learned that an over active blog becomes exhausting for readers, too.

But I’m also aware there is a community, the Gentle Baboons, who congregate each day to have a civilized, insightful and hilarious conversation around the chosen topic. In fact, when you look at the number of RSS feeds (subscriptions to receive notification when a blog is posted), the comments section rivals the blog itself as an area of interest for readers. This is a rare thing that is worth preserving. So I’d like to try something different.

Here’s my plan for September. I will cut back from posting six times to posting two or three times per week on Trail Baboon. On the days that I don’t post, I’ll create a space on a new, connected blog called The Baboondocks. Baboondocks entries may be anything from a single line with an embedded link for more information, to a question that will provide raw material that may lead to an eventual Trail Baboon post. But I won’t spend the necessary time to have Dr. Babooner or Bubby or Spin Williams riff on a topic in The Baboondocks. That’s a Trail Baboon thing. The Baboondocks will be a place to get you talking quickly, without a lot of verbiage from me, and to let the conversation go where it may.

Over the course of our usual six day week, I will post each day on one blog or the other – Trail Baboon or The Baboondocks.

If you’ve been praying for a reduction in the seemingly endless string of Trail Baboon posts, stay with that single feed and you will feel some relief. But if you are one of the people who enjoys being part of the daily gathering, sign up for both feeds and your e-mail traffic from me will remain the same.

Change is hard, but necessary. At least in this instance it’s Just the Internet, and we can try new things without causing harm to the innocent.

Have you ever successfully re-negotiated the terms of your employment?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

Please help settle a family dispute.

The weather has been discouraging and we (and many others) have put it off too long, so today is pretty much our final chance to go to the Minnesota State Fair.

We know it’s going to be horrible.

We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

In fact we expect to encounter a perfect storm of overpopulated misery, shuffling shoulder-to-shoulder around the fairgrounds with tired and smelly strangers just like us getting completely in our way at every ride, food booth and attraction.

And yet there is no question that we will go, because we are like spawning salmon swimming upstream and we feel compelled to throw ourselves against the rocks in a vain attempt to satisfy some primal urge. It doesn’t matter that bears are waiting to bite our heads off. We must return to the source.

Speaking of Fish Heads on a Stick, there is a fair food sequence in place for almost every member of our group. We each know the treats we must have and the order in which we will eat them. But one person is agitating for a break in the tradition – Aunt Peggy says since we are going super early to avoid the crowds, we should all make space in our calorie chart to enjoy a healthy breakfast at the State Fair.

Peggy has been a breakfast scold for ages, always eating fresh fruit, non-fat yogurt and Grape Nuts to start the day, and she harps that we will not regret it if we try something healthy and energizing.

Blah blah blah.

From my perspective, stomach real estate is a precious natural resource on my one-and-only State Fair day and I don’t want to waste a square centimeter of it by eating food that bears any resemblance to any kind of nourishment that nature would provide.

There is no way that Aunt Peggy can make me consume a bowl of oatmeal on the fairgrounds. That would be a travesty. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to stand around and wait while she eats her Tofu Sausage and berates me for my selfish, gluttonous ways.

Dr. Babooner, we’re a family and we always go to The Fair together. But would it be so wrong to ditch Aunt Peggy in the Swine Barn so the rest of us can have the kind of day we expect and deserve?

Sincerely,
I Want What I Want When I Want It

I told I.W.W.I.W.W.I.W.I. that Dr. Babooner has had an alarming number of complaints this year from people who feel they are being forced by others to experience The Fair in a way that is painful to them. Dr. Babooner is mystified that any person would try to direct the Fair experience of another, since we all have traditions that are so distinctly satisfying only to our selves. There is no “right” way to do The Fair.
That said, Dr. Babooner believes in eating a balanced and healthy breakfast, and one can never experience anything new unless one takes a chance from time to time and is brave enough to break the routine. Perhaps a small but healthy meal first thing on the fairgrounds would provide a reasonable start to an unusual and difficult day, and it may have the secondary beneficial effect of placating Aunt Peggy.
Plus, ditching people in the Swine Barn is cruel and unusual punishment.
But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Travel

The Great Gulch

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It isn’t too often that we get to pin a name on something new since everything here has pretty much been seen already and called something-or-other by somebody.

scenic_overlook

But a new opportunity may have emerged with the mapping by radar of an amazingly extensive canyon in Greenland. Accounts say that to behold the still-unseen geologic feature is an experience that is breathtaking, in that you would have to be under two miles of solid ice to see it.

That’s exactly the sort of detail that can take all the fun out of tourism. Scientists say the Mammoth Furrow is not as deep or as wide as the Grand Canyon, but is much longer (470 miles to 277). But it would be worth the trouble of burrowing and shivering and enduring the bone crushing pressure of the ice sheet above to be able to stand on the rim of this frozen wonder and give the thing a name.

In the one story I read about the feature, it is repeatedly called “the canyon”, which is undeniably an accurate description but it lacks poetry. I think we can do better, so here’s our chance. Let’s name it! Less is more. Let’s keep it short – five syllables or less. “The Grand Canyon” has an undeniable power that comes from a magical combination of brevity and majesty. The bigger a thing, the shorter its name should be, I think.

I’m a sucker for alliteration so of course I’m attracted to “The Great Gulch”, “The Greenland Gap”, “The Terrific Trench”, “The Deep Divide” and “The Swell Swale”. But it’s important to speak to a modern audience, so there’s a lot to be said for something like “The Totally Awesome Valley”.

Let your mind roam to sights you have seen (or wish you’d seen) and names that have made you want to visit a faraway place. Because at the rate our climate is warming, we may get a chance to gaze on this thing yet.

What would you name Greenland’s vast under-ice canyon?

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Politics and Parking

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Now that the Minnesota State Fair is nearing its end (already!), the lawns of Falcon Heights are feeling the effects. Terribly hot, extremely dry weather will do that to a patch of grass. So will a steady stream of traffic rolling over what used to be a lush, green expanse.

The Minnesota State Capitol, seen across the lawn

Even as I use the “lush” “green” and “expanse”, I know they are misplaced. Nobody within 2 miles of the fairgrounds cares a whit what their front yard looks like. All that matters is how many F-250 pickups will fit between the hedge and the trees.

And so it will go for the Minnesota State Capitol’s lawn for the next few years, as it becomes a State Fair of sorts for construction crews doing renovation work on Cass Gilbert’s beautiful but needy building..

This is dangerous. Politics is blood sport, they say. But parking issues can turn minor conflicts thermo-nuclear. I saw a guy get fired once because he wouldn’t move his car out of a reserved spot.

The plan at the State Capitol is to put asphalt over the grass for the next four years while renovation work is underway. I’ve seen old pictures of the statehouse from a time when it was surrounded by less-than-adequate housing. The park-like surroundings of today are more pleasant-looking, but every piece of land deserves the chance to serve, at least one time, as a prime example of the best and highest use of real estate – a parking lot.

Work on the building will be extensive and the disruption significant as the capitol is shored up, spruced up and totally filled up with construction workers and their equipment. But the real test will come in 2017, when the work is done and the lawn is restdored – and all those powerful people will be told they are going to lose their convenient front-of-building parking.

Think what might happen when all that dust meets all that paper and political ambition!

When has a parking problem made you angry?

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Packing Light

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I saw a camper for sale by the side of the road yesterday and thought for a moment about what it might mean to own such a thing. That’s about as far as I can go into the wilderness – the few moments spent wondering about something I would take with me if I ever went there.

As we have already discussed on Trail Baboon, I’m not a survivalist. I do love unspoiled places – so much so I stay out of them so they can remain unspoilt.

Vintage_Campers

The camper in question wasn’t huge. You could take it into the deep woods and perhaps maintain a level of comfort at mealtime and bedtime. The rest would be a truly natural experience, I suppose, except for the necessary gas and electric hookups. And the grocery bags full of food. Although I’d like to be self sufficient enough to feed myself from the land, I have not yet learned how to bag a wild potato chip.

This love of creature comforts is something I have always attributed to my Western upbringing, so I was relieved to read Paul Salopek’s latest post from his seven-year-long project to walk from the Rift Valley in East Africa to the southernmost tip of South America. He writes about his guide and companion, an endearing, frustrating man who packs heavy.

I get the romance and allure of built into the idea that you can toss a toothbrush and a change of clothes in a sack, sling it over your shoulder, and head out to feel absolutely at home anywhere in the world. I admire people who pack light, and for a time I thought I was one of them until I realized that I was really expecting my wife to be prepared so I didn’t have to be. Uncomfortable fact: If she stopped sharing her nail clippers and Tylenol, I wouldn’t be able to leave town.

What are the must-haves when pack for a journey?

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The Sad/Happy See-Saw

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Today’s post comes from Idea Man, Marketing Genius and Convener of The Meeting That Never Ends, Spin Williams.

See-saw

Wow, I couldn’t believe it the other day when I read that Facebook makes its users sad! A study reveals that people are so annoyed by friends who are traveling, going to nice restaurants, surfing, skydiving, adopting a puppy, and living life with joyous ferocity that they begin to feel, well … ordinary.

‘Why can’t MY life be so fabulous?’, the Facebook Frowners ask, just before they sink into an irredeemable trough of self-loathing. And of course their lives are a disappointment because they spend far too much time watching and worrying about what OTHER people are doing on Facebook!

We brought this up at The Meeting That Never Ends because it puts hundreds of millions of people on an emotional see-saw, and there has to be a way to make some money off that.

The question:
Which came first, the Facebook or the Sad?

The answer:
Where do you get off asking such a dumb question? It doesn’t matter. Why aren’t you out dancing every night like your attractive, energetic friends Bob and Carol?

Did you know this? Only some Facebook users were bummed by the interesting activities of their friends. However, ALL Facebook users were made sad by the news that Facebook makes you sad! Why? Because now they’re lumped together with a bunch of envious losers.

AND the Facebook = Sad equation makes non-Facebook users downright giddy when they find out about it. Presumably NOT through Facebook.

But before you begin to gloat, take note – most of the non-Facebook users spent what would have been their Facebook time watching TV, which also promotes impossible comparisons with beautiful people. TV can make you feel sad AND stupid.

Here’s the kicker – not only are most of these additional statistical details remarkable, they are also totally made up and were never in the study to begin with. Does that make you feel like a chump? It should – because that’s what you are if ykou believe anything you read on the Internet!

Now don’t you feel a little down?

The difference between Facebook sadness and TV sadness is that the impossibly beautiful people on TV are folks you don’t know and can NEVER know. Of course they’re smiling – they got on TV. The people on Facebook are your friends. They’re a lot like you. So it stands to reason their happiness would make you furious.

Which brings me to this great new personal service idea – Facebook Fact Checking! What if you could hire someone to uncover the dark side behind all those smug faces you see? Wouldn’t it make you feel better to know that trip to Paris they gushed over by posting all those gauzy photos was actually a rainy, bitter nightmare that left them barely speaking to each other? They didn’t say any of that in the captions to those pictures at the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower. Why would they? It took FikkiLeaks to find out!

Of course, hiring one of these Personal Information Gathering Surrogates (P.I.G.S.) might feel like arranging with a private investigator to spy on your friends. But it seems so tawdry when you put it that way. And sad.

Don’t be sad. Let’s turn the page!

Your pal,
Spin

What makes you sad? What gets you out of it?

The Baboon Congress

Furry Humans

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Today’s guest post comes from Joanne in Big Lake

I am not an animal person. We had some dogs growing up and I enjoyed them, but once on my own, I learned that apartments don’t like pets and I was allergic anyway. That was my excuse when we did have a house and the kids really wanted a dog.

Even so, I always enjoy interacting with other people’s pets.

I was astounded to learn that animals have very distinctive personalities, quirky behaviors and dysfunctions just like their human owners. My first realization came while I was working in the home of someone who had 2-3 dogs. One was a giant, dumb and friendly labrador named Bruno who would force his 50 lb blockhead onto my lap or under my hand, begging for love and attention. Another dog was a jumpy and smart little miniature doberman named Taz who would run around underfoot.

One day when owners were out, the UPS man dropped a package outside the door. Our menagerie of dogs and human went to retrieve package, the dogs barking a chorus of “let’s get the mailman.” Unfortunately, the package was just out of reach. When I inched the door open just a little more to reach the mail, the dogs exploded out of the house like corks, racing madly after the UPS truck. I was horrified as I watched them streak down the long driveway tailing the UPS truck, wondering if they might get hurt or run away. Luckily, I was finally able to corral them back into the house. I tried to pick up Taz, but he evaded me and went up steps alone with a distinct limp. Then Taz sneaked away to his little doggie retreat out of sight.

When the owner returned, I felt very chagrined to inform her of Taz’s injury. Her very nonchalant response was, “Oh he does that all the time – he’s just faking it.” I was stunned. I had never heard of a pet faking an injury to avoid punishment or garner attention. She continued to say that they had brought Taz to the vet on a couple occasions for his “injury” before they caught on, and noticed he was inconsistent with his act as well. I found this absolutely hysterical as it never occurred to me a pet would employ such a clever trick.

Siete, deigning to be scratched

Another woman I know has 4 indoor cats and supports a welfare state for an outside herd of feral cats on her large, pastoral property. Helios, an old tom in the house, is a grumpy old man in every sense of the word. I get a snarly meow just walking past him. Additionally, he will only, and I mean ONLY drink running water from the well water tap. Calpurnia sticks to herself and actually snores while she sleeps. Siete always finds a place to snuggle on my friend’s lap and sleeps there for hours. Pita (short for Pain in the Ass) always gets into things – one reason why the toilet paper is not on a holder but hidden after she had TP’d the entire house. One or two of them will only eat from a certain bowl with a Christmas holly design on it. If there isn’t food in it, they won’t eat.

I guess it’s true – animals are people, too!

Describe an unusual pet personality trait.

The Baboon Congress

Ice Cream Sociable

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Today’s guest post comes from Verily Sherrilee.

Recently, we celebrated a great achievement of one of our own. 

Trail Baboon reader and contributor Beth-Ann Bloom won last year’s Ice Cream Dream Flavor Contest sponsored by Kemps.  If you were around last summer you probably remember the daily voting that the baboon community embraced enthusiastically; a few of us even made it to the State Fair to sample Beth-Ann’s ice cream when the voting was narrowed down to only two candidates.   

one “scround” of ice cream
accessories

Beth-Ann’s “Mini-Sota Donut” creation was the big winner and now we have a cold treat celebrity in our midst.

It has been a “Miss America” kind of year for Beth-Ann – serving as an ice cream ambassador with TV spots and even a personal appearance at the Woodbury Cub!  Now that Mini-Sota Donut is finally hitting store shelves, she’s been inundated with queries about where to find her ice cream.

Ice Cream might be the most sociable summertime treat. There is an urgency to any ice-cream based gathering (eat it before it melts!) and it welcomes a multitude of add-ons. Our ice cream get-together was a potluck affair – everybody brought a little something to the party. Contributions included bananas, chocolate sauce, sprinkle, root beer and ginger ale (for floats) and some apple caramel sauce.  We ate out of bright-colored ice cream soda dishes and plied Beth-Ann with questions about the process of becoming a frozen dessert diva and what the past year has brought her. She will be able to gift a charity (ice cream for the food shelf) and she will be one of the celebrity judges for the Kemps contest at the fair this year.

You will notice if you look closely at the carton that each “scround” (that’s what they call the rounded-off square cartons) of Mini-sota Donut Ice Cream bears Beth-Ann’s signature – a rare honor in a world where only TV chefs, pop stars, movie stars and Hall of Fame athletes get to have their names put on food.

Congratulations once again to Beth-Ann as she prepares to pass on the Ice Cream Crown to a new winner.

What food is a “must-have” for your most sociable get-togethers?