Today’s post comes from Captain Billy, pirate skipper of the Muskellunge.

Aye!

Me an’ me boys watched th’ Oscars by satellite TV last night, on account of how excitin’ it is t’ see all them pretty people wearin’ fine garb an’ expensive jewelry. As a rule we don’t allow no pornography here on board th’ Muskellunge, but seein’ all them costly adornments hangin’ off’n necks an’ wrists, all so reachable an’ gathered up in one place – well, t’was was about as stimulatin’ as it gets for me an’ th’ boys.

Afterwards we always has a discussion ’bout th’ Port of Los Angeles, an’ how vulnerable it would be t’ a surprise attack.

I ain’t sayin’ we will, an’ I ain’t sayin’ we won’t.

But one thing we does do for sure is give away th’ Pirate Oscars t’ some of th’ boys on th’ crew. After all, Shakespeare said “We is all actors, an’ th’ world is but our stage”, or some such thing. That’s somethin’ me an’ th’ boys believes wholeheartedly. But of course we has our own categories, such as:

Best Captain in a Leading Role
Best Matey
Best Matey in a Supporting Role
Hand to Hand Combat
Pillaging
Plundering
Robbery
Revelry
Best Song
Best Bawdy Song
Smelliest Garb
Most Awful Teeth
Stubble Design
Best Original Eye Patch
Peg Leg Achievement
Best Parrot

We has a fine time givin’ away our Pirate Oscars, which ain’t shiny statuettes on account of th’ melee what would break out if’n we introduced that much gold into general circulation on board th’ ship. Instead, each winner gets a flagon of grog, which he has t’ swallow in it’s entirety right away.

It adds t’ th’ merriment. In fact, th’ awards for Revelry, Best Song an’ Best Bawdy Song takes forever t’ give away, on account of th’ acceptance speeches goin’ on pretty much nonstop for th’ rest of th’ night. We has to give away th’ rest of th’ awards over the din, an’ we is all hoarse an’ happy by th’ next morning.

Ain’t that right boys?
Aye. They says ’tis.

Yer Pirate Pal,
Capt. Billy

I have no doubt that the Captain and his boys have a fine time with the real Oscars and their own, more personal awards. But it seems to me they could reduce the number of categories and significantly shorten the night. Aren’t “Pillaging” “Plundering” and “Robbery” the same thing? Still, when dealing with sensitive egos, sometimes it’s best to give everyone more chances to win.

If you awarded Oscars to the actors in your own life, what would the categories be?

Today’s post comes from America’s leading discourager of reckless behavior and most varieties of fun, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, civilians!

I know I don’t need to repeat that you are safest from harm when you are relaxed and attentive. So get enough sleep, don’t drink to excess, and don’t do things that stick a finger in the eye of gravity or make you, or other people, tense.

That’s why I’m sorely disappointed in William Carey University cheerleader Ashlee Arnau, whose flipping-and-basketball-throwing performance has gone viral on Youtube.

I’ll show it to you, but only if you promise you will never, ever do this yourself.

Ashley told the AP she “really doesn’t practice”, but she has been working on it during half time at home games and this try was the fifth of the night at the last game of the year. In other words, the last possible attempt for this season – imagine the pressure!

This sets a very alarming example for all of America’s flippable youth. Not only was she turning herself upside down without wearing a helmet, but she threw a heavy basketball at high velocity towards a distant target she couldn’t see very well. What if a baby climbed up there on a ladder at the very last minute? Or a frail old grandma?

Unlikely, I know. But what if?

And Ashlee is not alone in this obsession. Once you start to look around online, you’ll find dozens of videos where people are doing handsprings and launching spheres into the air. And then there are these guys, taking trick shots with basketballs around the outsides of airplanes. I know there’s something terribly dangerous and ill-advised about all of this, even if I can’t tell you what, exactly.

There’s additional danger on the way! I know this to be true – People who earn a small bit of fame making trick shots in Youtube videos will be called on to try those shots again and again and again. In the process of reaching for another taste of glory, they will face disappointment and may forget to become doctors, lawyers, mathematicians, artists, or even baristas. You can try your whole life to make the impossible shot a second time – and even if you do, so what? You already did that.

And during each of those fruitless attempts, they will repeatedly violate two of my most important safety rules:

1) Keep your feet on the ground, and
2) Don’t throw things.

So I’m imploring Ashlee Arnau and all who would mimic her, please … stop now while you’re ahead. Don’t ever try that again!

Yours in Safety,
B.S.O. Rafferty

It’s hard to argue with the reasoning here but I think Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty is just a little bit jealous. Having Youtube Trick Shot Fame would be incredibly satisfying – but once you know that your amazing feat is being replayed all over the world pretty much endlessly, it would naturally lead a person to wonder – what next?

Describe something you did successfully – just once.

There was an unexpected hiccup on the Trail Baboon blog luxury cruise today as I headed off on Saturday morning errands confident that I had arranged everything to post perfectly without further attention or involvement from me. This was the first time in 19 months of this journey that I had proceeded with such reckless faith in technology and human attention-to-detail.

It should come as no surprise that one of the aforementioned elements suffered a catastrophic letdown, and our Trail Baboon Industries failsafe systems failed to catch the failure for 10 long hours. The blog drifted aimlessly, at the mercy of digital weather and electronic tides.

As a result, un-engaged internet eyeballs were left to accumulate on an already-perused page. It was the Trail Baboon equivalent of eating nothing but Saltines and wall paste. Hours of quality baboon attention piled up and then spilled over into other, possibly less savory areas of the Internet.

Who knows where people wound up? I’m concerned, because it is very dangerous out there.

Today’s planned post, an entertaining and thoughtful guest blog by Sherrilee, will be held because it deserves to receive your full attention on Monday morning.

In the meantime, describe a time when your mistake went undetected for too long, resulting in a much larger mess to clean up.