Today’s post comes from perpetual sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey, Mr. C.,

I was just about to ask you an important question about girls, but as soon as I started to write it I realized that you don’t know the answer. Not that you’re not old enough to have wisdom and all, because I’m pretty sure you are! But all the old dudes I’ve talked to about this kind of thing are pretty sure they know less about girls than they used to, which I think is totally weird.

How can you live such a long time and get dumber as you go? That doesn’t make any sense.

But then I read a newspaper article about this study that says your brain changes when you get older, and old brains have a harder time getting good sleep than young brains do. And it’s when you’re sleeping really good and deep that the stuff you just learned makes its move to transfer over just-found-out-about-it mode to long term memory! So if you can’t get what they call long wave sleep, it’s harder to learn anything new!

So now it kinda makes sense that you’re so clueless about a lot of new things, and haven’t really picked up any fresh insights since, say, 1975.

But don’t get me wrong. I still respect you for your wisdom and experience and all. I just have a better understanding of why you don’t know anything. So I’m forwarding you a link to the article. Take a look at it! Read it a couple of times for all the good it will do you.

One thing in there that sounds kind of cool – the idea of using electrodes pasted to the scalp to simulate the right brain waves to get the best kind of sleep. How long will it be before you older guys are plugging yourselves in at night, just like a cell phone or a Chevy Volt?

And since I know you’re going to ask anyway, the question I had about girls is why does my girlfriend get mad if I start to fall asleep while she’s talking to me? It’s not like I can help it. But to smooth things over, I told her it’s because I’m trying to commit what she’s saying to long term memory as soon as I hear it. I don’t get it, though. That argument just makes her madder. It’s like she doesn’t believe in science!

Your pal,
Bubby

I think Bubby has been a High School sophomore for so long, he’s the closest thing we have to a teenager/old man hybrid. Still, the most surprising thing in this message is that he thinks he has a girlfriend! I can only assume she comes from the same place as the one that beguiled that Notre Dame football player – Fantasyland. Although she sees through his sad explanation just as clearly as a real person would, so who knows?

What’s your most effective memory-keeping technique?

Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

Hey,

Bart here. Just having an awake moment during my hibernation and thought I’d check to see if anybody texted me. Nobody did! Is it because you know I’ve already settled down for my long winters’ nap, or is it because we’re not really friends anymore?

Just wonderin’. That’s the sort of question that can keep you awake for hours when you know you’re supposed to be sleeping. Lucky I have lots of weeks left before it’s time to get up.

Ever just lie there awake in the middle of the night when it’s super cold out? That’s when it’s great to have a really solid den, which I’ve got this year. It’s in a gully with a fresh fallen tree on the one side and a kind of a hill on the other side, so we’re out of the wind and there’s lots of leaves and stuff. Really nice for hunkerin’ down.

Only thing missing is snow. I mean, LOTS of snow.

Snow is an insulator, but most people just think of it as super cold stuff. It’s not! There’s lots of stuff that’s colder than snow. Tonight, it’s the air and everything it touches.

Anyway, I’ve got that really happy feeling you get when you’ve got all your leaves and pine needles packed around you to make a nice cozy bed and your hair is dry and you’ve had something to eat but the place isn’t a mess it’s just warm and it smells like bears and you know you don’t have to go out!

I’ve got a few more months of torpor ahead of me so I think I’m going to nod off again. But if you’re about to send me a text, don’t stop just ’cause I’ll be sleeping. I have a bunch of these random half-awake times, and I need something to read.

Or ask me a question, even if it’s that one that everybody asks about hibernation and whether or not we have to go to the bathroom and if so how do we do it? But I’ll tell you right now, the answer is awesome, and it won’t make you feel any better about your situation.

Not only is hibernation the huge nap you want but will never have, it’s also more slimming than all the exercise you could possibly do in five months – and I sleep through it all!

I love being a bear!
Bart

How long could you stay in bed, if there was no reason to get out?

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in Minnesota.

Greetings, constituents, and H.I.D.O.! (Happy Inauguration Day (Observed))

I love the ceremony and tradition that surrounds the installation of a President of the United States, even if it’s just a re-swearing-in! This only happens once every four years. That’s why I’ll be there in the crowd, watching today.

I know – you’re thinking – “Hey, you’re a member of Congress – shouldn’t you have a special seat?” And yes, the answer is “I should, and I would if I was willing to schmooze and cozy up to the Powers That Be.” And it would also help if I was an officially recognized member of Congress, but that’s another story. Even some of the recognized members don’t have enough clout to sit up there on the platform. The truth is – I really love being among the people so watching with the thousands gathered on the National Mall is preferable – absolutely the best place to be.

And yes, of course I had to say that. Unlike SOME people, I will have to run for office again!

I know I’m in for A LOT of time spent on my feet. I’ll have to be at the mall several hours before the festivities start, and that’s extra true if I want to be able to see the stage. So while billions of people are viewing the festivities remotely, some in excruciating close-up detail on high definition plasma TV screens, I will be experiencing it as a true community event.

From my place standing near the back of the crowd, the president will seem like a very tiny speck hovering just above the left ear of the person in front of me – a man impossibly far away saying important-sounding things about common goals and shared values – a leader whose inspirational words will echo off the buildings all around me, his voice almost as loud as the grumblings of my empty stomach.

That’s why I intend to pack a meal.

I’ll have to keep it small since the security is going to be tight and anybody carrying a huge sack like the one I usually use for my picnics is bound to be stopped and questioned. Out of respect for those around me, I’ll hold the onions on my sandwich. And I probably shouldn’t bring peanut butter and jelly in case people near me have peanut allergies. I suppose the sandwich shouldn’t be too juicy either – ketchup stains have to be rinsed out right away! And I’m going to skip the kettle chips this time, because the crunching could be a distraction for my famished neighbors.

I guess that’s a true feeling of community for you – all of us packed in together, suffering equally and compromising for the sake of others.

Plus, I’m a public figure, so I have to be careful about everything that happens in and around my mouth. People are always looking for something they can use against you. As a politician, I’m keenly aware I could be accused of being locked in a “Baloney In, Baloney Out” cycle.

Hmmm. It’s starting to sound like I’ll be having two slices of lightly buttered bread – not exactly what I anticipated from a second term. But the real world so seldom measures up to our expectations!

Maybe I’ll just eat an extra-large breakfast.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What’s your favorite sandwich?