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Doing Some Sneaking Around

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

I can’t believe it’s August already!

Pretty soon I’ll be back at Wendell Wilkie High School (again)! Being a perennial sophomore, I know the routine pretty well – a lot better than some of the teachers.

This year will be extra exciting because it’s a presidential election year, and that means we can burn up a lot of time in first hour American History class if Mr. Boozenporn sees something on the news the night before that irks him, which he almost always does.

Four years ago we spent the whole month of October talking about political ads, and I hear that this year the ads are gonna be even wackier. I was watching TV last night, looking for something I could bring up on the first day of school, when I saw an interview with this Paul Ryan guy who is going to run for vice president, I guess.

There was a whole lot of talk about budgets and numbers and stuff that makes me feel like I’ve got bees in my ears whenever I hear it, so I really don’t remember any of that. But what did get my attention was when he talked about trying to sneak out of his own house so reporters wouldn’t know he was going off to meet Mitt Romney.

Sneaking out of the house is something I think about a lot. I’m not saying I’ve done it a lot, but if Jennifer Currie asked me to hang out with her at, like, midnight … I would definitely find a way. So that part of Paul Ryan’s story really resonated for me. But he had it easy – he just walked in the front door of his house and right out the back door and through the woods and a yard on the other side, to the street where somebody picked him up!

He was kind of boasting about how clever that was, even though there wasn’t anybody actually IN the house trying to keep him from getting out, and he had a convenient forest right there to hide in and a driver to whisk him away. I wish I had just ONE of those things working for me. Anybody could sneak out under those conditions.

I’ve got all kinds of people at my house (OK, mom and dad, mostly) always asking “Where are you going?” and “What’re you doing?” Most of the time the answer is “nowhere” and “nothing”, which just seems to make them madder. And instead of having a forest right outside the back door, I’ve got to cross this wide open stretch that’s like the exercise yard at Leavenworth. There’s no grass back there, which makes it mushy after a rain. And there are motion sensitive lights and a dog next door (Buddy) who flies off the handle whenever he hears somebody on our side of the fence breathing. And then there’s the fence itself – it’s so old and rickety, I know it’s going to collapse on me someday when I’m vaulting over it, just like the pole did for that jumper guy from Cuba. And then Ryan had someone to pick him up! I’d like to see him sneak out and get where he’s going by having to “borrow” a bike from the neighbor’s garage!

But I guess that’s how it is when you get to be a Congressman (and maybe vice president) – you get to do stuff the easy way and think you’ve had a real accomplishment.

I’m not saying I’ve done any of that, by the way. But in all the times I’ve imagined meeting Jennifer Currie at midnight, that’s how I got there – tossing a steak to Buddy, crawling on my belly through the mud in the back yard, vaulting over the fence and then riding ten miles on a stolen bike.

And when I show up, all mud caked and sweaty, she’s always happy to see me. That’s how I know it didn’t really happen!

Your Pal,
Bubby

Ever sneak out of the house, or travel under cover?

Poems

A Policy Wonk From Wisconsin …

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We now have a new prospective Veep in Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, who will be lauded and vilified for at least the next three months. If we believe everything we hear, we may never know anything about him.

Vice Presidents are, by definition, NOT front and center on the political stage. The website vicepresidents.com carries on its masthead this curious motto: “Proud To Be in the Shadow”.

For some reason, thinking about the American Vice Presidency makes me want to write bad limericks. And by that, I mean clean ones. Why? Because George Bernard Shaw said clean limericks are “a periodic fad and object of magazine contests, rarely rising above mediocrity.”

That would make it the perfect form of poetry to describe vice presidents.

An unusual fellow named Spiro,
As our veep was a definite zero.
But his boss was the worser,
a notable curser
and a genuine folk anti-hero.

A reason that limericks and Veeps don’t line up? There is a dark side to the job – perhaps too dark for this lighthearted form.

As political power is reckoned,
the most worthless position is second.
‘Cause you take all the falls
but you can’t make the calls
’til your boss, to his maker, is beckoned.

A criticized Rep. from Wisconsin
Wants a job he can shape his response in.
He enjoys cutting taxes
But never relaxes
Out of fear he’ll become Andrew Johnson

Feel free to contribute your own limerick or haiku or free verse. Anything to trim the verbiage!

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Pick Me Not

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Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly. He represents all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly’s Submerged Stump Speech

Greetings, Constituents,

I wanted to be the first to tell you that it does not look like Mitt Romney will choose me to be his running mate in the 2012 Presidential contest. Many of you have supposed otherwise, and I’ll take that as a compliment because the alternative is simply too discouraging.

It was close, though. At least I think it was.

Although I haven’t been contacted by vetters from the campaign, I gained some legitimacy from the condition of my Wikipedia page – it’s entirely non-existent. One way to tell if a person is about to be chosen to run as vice-president is to see if their Wikipedia page has been updated recently to remove any embarrassing details just before the choice is announced. That set off a flurry of wiki-checking for the major contenders – Pawlenty, Portman, Jindal, etc. All their pages were being watched. But when I discovered that I don’t have a page on Wikipedia, I instantly became a front runner (in my mind). After all, my selection could remain a secret up to the very last moment – especially to me! That kind of organic discretion is a huge plus.

My positions on the issues also made me a likely choice, because I’m omni-political. I like a good argument, and if I REALLY like yours, I’ll just adopt it! Just like Mitt, I’ve felt a bunch of different ways about lots of things.

Also, geographical diversity gave me an edge. Mitt Romney is from Utah, a very dry state (in spite of the Great Salt Lake). I, on the other hand, represent all the water surface area in Minnesota – a perfect compliment for a presidential candidate who comes from the dusty desert. He’s dry as dirt. I’m wet as a catfish. Put us together and we make up an essential political element – just right for slinging at the opponent. And mud is also a time tested building block.

Romney-Beechly also has a good ring to it – really nice! And it’s an anagram for “Bye Melon, He Cry!” That would put us in tight with the California Honeydews – a major source of campaign funding.

But I continue to fail to appear on short OR long lists for the Vice Presidency, and my national profile is razor-thin. I’m beginning to feel a bit sad for what might have been.

But don’t get me wrong – I’m not crushed. For one thing, I’ve suspected for some time that I might be a Democrat.

Some days I feel kinda Red, and others I’m a little Blue.
It would be tough to commit to just one hue!
And now, as a non-vice presidential candidate, I won’t have to!

Once they’re on the job, Vice Presidents don’t have much of an opportunity to go in for poetry. Or fishing.

But I believe I’m off the hook. Hallelujah!

Name a job you were happy to NOT get.

The Baboon Congress

The Art of Avoidance

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Today’s guest post comes from Donna.

Last week, after months of good intentions, I finally emailed Dale and offered to do a guest blog. I asked for a deadline because I wanted to sound mature. That was August 2nd and he gave me until August 7th, so I’ve been working on it nonstop, on and off, since I got up this morning, today being August 7. Some of you may be wondering why I waited until the last minute, but the truth is I didn’t JUST start today! I started right away on August 2nd, the dragging my feet part.

On August 3rd I decided to clean out my dresser drawers to see if that might spark some creativity. Partway through I came across a two-piece swimming suit I’d forgotten about. Of course I tried it on to see if it still fit and when it did (relatively), I immediately applied sunscreen and went out on the patio to lay out. By now it was 3:00 and even though the sun’s rays aren’t as intense then, it was still very hot. I tried to distract myself from sweating by turning my dial to John Tesh’s Intelligence For Your Life Radio Show, and intermittently spraying myself with the garden hose. I decided you can learn a lot from John Tesh.

For example, did you know that if you’re late for a meeting you should make a quick apology and then drop it because if you continue to say you’re sorry you will be regarded as a wimp and your colleagues will blame you for everything bad that happens at work? And did you know that in order to lose belly fat, diet and exercise are ineffective? You must also eliminate stress from your life because once belly fat interacts with the stressors, they all multiply and fill up the space between your pelvis and ribs with flabby, dimply flesh, compromising the fit of bathing suits everywhere. Did you also know that if you are sun tanning and your lawn service arrives but you don’t realize it because your back is turned while you’re spraying yourself with the hose, the guy will only treat the front yard and leave a bill for the entire lawn? And if you call and complain about it they will send the guy back the next day to complete the job and he will leave a note that says, “Sorry about the confusion. I saw you were working on a tan and didn’t want to bother you.”

And so it continued. Each consecutive day I allowed myself to get sidetracked, figuring if I just gave it enough time, an intriguing post would incubate in my brain. I cleaned out my email inbox, deleting over 6000 items. I gave my outside house trim two coats of paint. I ordered window blinds. I worked in my classroom. I watched the Olympics and read several chapters of The Happiness Project. I got a manicure. I went to a local winery, out to dinner, and listened to live music. I went to the gym and walked with a friend. I tuned in to more John Tesh. I talked to my kids on the phone and got caught up on the Trail. I cooked, I snacked, I slept. I got a lot done and I had a great time!

But now here it is, late at night on the day of the deadline and my brain still hasn’t generated a fascinating blog topic. I’m fatigued and taxed. The boost of energy I was counting on to hurdle me to the finish line never showed up. Yikes! Now it’s just a few seconds away. So here goes …10…9… This is all I’ve got …8…7…Take it or leave it …6…5… Please don’t judge …4…3… I was born this way…2…1… Gulp!

How do you practice avoidance?

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Around the World by Zeppelin

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At about this time in the Summer of 1929 the German Airship Graf Zeppelin started on a voyage around the world.

In case you’re wondering what’s the difference between a Zeppelin, a Dirigible and a Blimp, I will tell you that only one of them is an easy word for Americans to say and to spell. Other differences are explained here, at a very thorough website called airships.net.

As you read about them, it becomes clear how Zeppelins are like Windex and Jello. The name is proprietary – only lighter-than-air ships made by a certain manufacturer can be called Zeppelins.

Another surprising fact – the German aristocrat who developed them, Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin, had his first flight and received his inspiration for creating his namesake airship as a young man traveling far from home in … where else?.

St. Paul Minnesota, naturally.

Graf Zeppelin over the U.S. Capitol.

I know the Hindenburg disaster gave zeppelins a bad name with the floating-in-midair public, but I’m entranced by the details of the Graf Zeppelin’s planetary circumnavigation.

It took three weeks. THREE WEEKS! Who gets three weeks off for a vacation? And of those 21 days from Lakehurst, New Jersey to Lakehurst, New Jersey, 12 days were spent airborne.

With all the rushing about that we do from day to day, imagine going around the globe at roughly 72 miles per hour, seeing everything pass about 650 feet below you. That’s low enough and slow enough to actually see things. What a luxurious way to spend your late summer!

Sure, there might have been some slight concerns about suddenly plummeting out of the sky, but this was 1929 and the Roaring 20’s were at full throttle. A profound drop was coming, but not until October. In New York. On Wall Street. In the meantime, why not live it up? About 65 stories up!

What’s the most interesting sight you’ve seen from the air?

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Dewey Scores in 2nd OT!

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by Bud Buck

In a shocking echo of America’s most famous incorrect headline, the New York Times sent several dozen U.S. Olympic Soccer fans into fits of despair yesterday afternoon when the “paper of record” posted an incorrect score from London. Here’s proof:

As you can see, the headline mistakenly declares Canada beat the U.S. 4-3 in overtime, when in fact the reverse was true.

The error was quickly corrected within minutes, but Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) issued an even quicker accuse-o-blurt wondering if Canadians had infiltrated key editorial positions at the newspaper.

“We already know they hate America,” Bachmann said. “And I’m not saying that a legion of Canuck editor-moles tried to undermine our democracy and attack our national pride because they’re drunk on fermented maple syrup – though they would have to be just that to think their sly trick might change reality. I’m merely asking a question.”

Moments later, Bachmann’s handlers denied any knowledge of the above quote, or they would have, had I tried to reach them.

I didn’t even call the New York Times for a comment on the blunder because it’s just too difficult to get anybody to talk to you there. But I’m guessing they’d say something like – “C’mon. It was online for just a few minutes – no biggie.”

An any rate, all this will be lost to spirited arguing over the penalty calling decisions of that Norwegian referee. In fact, the comment string on this story in the Times was so intensely focused on complaining about the calls, no one spoke up about the botched headline.

That’s what the internet has brought us – more mistakes, faster, with less attention paid. That’s my kind of reporting!

This is Bud Buck!

Yikes, it’s turning into journalism week at Trail Baboon. Although he is an extremely untrustworthy reporter, I think Bud caught a genuine error here. But it was only for only a few minutes, so really, who cares? Especially something like this, where anybody who follows the sport knew the correct score already.

How much faith do you have in online information?

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Headline Writers Blast NASA

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by Bud Buck

Newspaper headline writers across America, but particularly on the densely populated East Coast, have accused NASA of “trying to ruin us,” with the awkward timing of the latest Mars mission.

“For me, this is an above-the-fold feature from hell,” said Tim Lanyard, chief headline writer for the Baltimore Defunct Doorstep Times. “First thing Monday morning it has to be the top story. Everybody is going to be talking about this event that isn’t going to happen until 1:30 am Eastern Time.”

Lanyard was referring to NASA’s plan to land Curiosity, a car-sized automated rover, on the surface of the planet Mars. The attempted landing is the most complicated and risky extra-planetary mission ever attempted, and the space agency has spent weeks trying to manage expectations while simultaneously building anticipation about the mission.

“They’ve been promoting it like an action movie,” complained Tiffany Charmes, Viral Video Reviewer at the Hartford Au Courant. “Just look at this video,” she said.

“The production values, the dramatic music, the lighting – Whether the thing lands successfully or blows up, people are bound to be entertained,” Charmes whined. “It increases the pressure for us to cover it.”

But accurate coverage of this story is nearly impossible for old-school newspapers, given NASA’s timelines.

“There’s no way we can get anything about Curiosity’s successful landing or horrendous crash into the earliest morning edition. By 1:30 am, we have to have the dang paper printed and headed for the trucks,” said Jonah Perry, V.P. for S.T.P. (Stop The Presses) at the Boston Ink Stained Wretch. Right now, the headline I’m going with is ‘Mars Thing Happens!’ The sub-head is ‘Check Our Website’. It’s killing me to do that, but I’m nearly dead from a bunch of other bad habits anyway.”

Headline writers also ripped NASA for scheduling the showy maneuver so close to the mid-point of the 2012 Olympic Games.

“With a successful mission, the urge to go with something like ‘NASA Sticks Landing’ is going to be irresistible,” said Alice Strug, Manager of Originality at the Charlotte Breakfast-Placemat. “It will make our heads explode to avoid it, but we’ll have to. Conversely, she said, a botched landing will beg for some kind of auto-crash parallel. ‘NASA Car Hits Planet’ is a headline I’d both love and hate to run.”

All of this hand wringing is further evidence that printing current events on dead trees has become awkward and almost unmanageable in today’s constant news cycle. Of course, by the time you read this, up-to-the-minute and accurate accounts of what actually happened will be available online, which some readers will say makes this whole discussion pointless.

Maybe so, but my deadline was last night and I had to having something turned in. I’m not a morning person, so deal with it.

This is Bud Buck, reporting!

Bud Buck is a journalist of questionable merit. It is quite possible he has invented most, or all of his sources and quotes – something not unheard of in today’s (or yesterday’s) news environment. His work on Trail Baboon is featured as a favor to an old friend, and as a direct result of editorial laziness.

You know what really happened. Write your own Curiosity landing headline.

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Vote for Me! Like Me!

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As speed picks up in the run towards election day, candidates, parties and interest groups will try to influence turnout among their loyalists. If you haven’t heard it yet, elections belong to those who show up. Or at least to those with the best legal team to manage the recount.

Ideas to re-arrange our system have ranged from two-day voting to voting on weekends to making Election Day a national holiday. Or simply requiring that everyone cast a ballot or be fined. All worthy of consideration, except that last one.

Right now it’s a chore and an interruption. You have to travel to some community room or a church that you only go to on Election Day, wait for the judge to find you on the printout, take your ballot to the tiny desk on spindly legs, remember how to use a pencil, and let the guessing begin!

Those who consistently go to the trouble of voting in the General Elections and the Primary (August 14th!) do so out of civic pride, genuine involvement in and respect for participatory democracy, habit, spite, and of course, the little red “I Voted” lapel sticker.

That sticker is the one frivolous and fun element in the whole process. What do we spend on those, anyway? Look for that municipal budget line to come under attack from the tax scolds, if it hasn’t already. Why are you wasting my hard-earned dollars on stickers for old people? Can’t they re-use the ones they kept from 1948? This is robbery!

Where’s the delight, the whimsy, and the outright fun in voting?

It appears to have moved online, where it is always Election Day.

Just yesterday, I elected to endorse a new Ice Cream flavor that I may someday have the opportunity to eat. Beth-Ann’s idea for Mini-sota Donut Ice Cream is before the electorate right now and they payoff could appear in my local freezer case by next year. In terms of how things move politically, that would be a speed-of-lightning result. Already it’s more satisfying than my vote for McGovern in 1972. And in the Ice Cream Election, you get to leave comments when you vote – something we won’t be able to do in the margins surrounding those Constitutional Amendments without spoiling the ballot.

Another online electoral process I’ve enjoyed lately is the opportunity to send Target Gift Cards to schools. Each Facebook “like” equals one dollar. Every group of 25 “likes” releases a $25 gift card and you get the chance to vote once a week between now and September 8. Each school is limited to a total haul of ten thousand dollars, but so far no one is close. The leading school so far (a faith-based Pennsylvania Prep Academy) is just over 800. My personal choice is Craigmont High, a public high school in Memphis, Tennessee, where my son Gus will start work as a math teacher this Monday morning. They’ve just earned their first gift card – enough for six 12-count boxes of Crayola Erasable Twist Colored Pencils.

If these ideas seem too frivolous, you can always direct resources to famine relief in Africa by taking a moment to “like” the two-person Olympic team from Somalia. Both members of the squad lost their races yesterday to people who didn’t have to train on city streets pockmarked by explosion craters. But their participation in London means you still have the opportunity to vote for humanitarian aid with the click of a mouse.

Remarkable.

How would you change Election Day to make it more engaging and fun?

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Easy Crafts for a Summer Afternoon

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Today is do-anything-yourself maven Martha Stewart’s birthday. She’s 71.
We had a party for her at the house but of course she wasn’t able to come, being occupied with numerous projects and always on call for emergencies with her company, which is so far reaching and ever present it is not merely about “media”, but “Omnimedia.”

You can make something useful out of these!

Since Martha always enters our house through the black box in the corner, I ran down to the basement looking for raw material and fashioned a festive TV frame in her honor using discarded cereal boxes, pine cones, twine, golf balls, crafter’s clay, shoelaces, clothing scraps, dog hair, beach toys, sun-bleached chicken bones, pocket games, VCR tapes, Elmer’s Glue and lots and lots of glitter. I would show you a picture of the finished product but in the terrible mess that was left behind I seem to have misplaced the camera. And my phone.

Also, I haven’t see the dog for a few hours.

But Martha is an inspiration, whether she’s throwing a fabulous party, making a delightful memory book, or trading on insider information. You also have to give her credit for not letting a stint in the hoosegow break her, even though small people like me keep bringing it up. We also tend to point to unflattering articles that make her out to be some sort of irrational control freak. Some folks are so gauche.

Still, things haven’t gone so well of late. The company has lost money in nine of the last ten years, and stock values have fallen off 21% in the past year. But with some push pins, rubber bands and a little bit of adhesive tape, you can make those slumping shares look perky and fresh!

And speaking of simple things done quickly and well, musing about Martha and exploiting all those tired stereotypes about her craftiness has made it possible for me to put together this lovely, lovely blog in just a few short minutes on a beautiful summer afternoon!

How absolutley charming!

What do you make from scratch?

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Globular Clusters

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I was delighted to find this treasure in my mailbox yesterday – a photo of a clump of stars about 20 thousand light years from our solar system.

Image credit: ESA/NASA

The Hubble Space Telescope is responsible for capturing the image of these very old stars known under the title “Messier 107“. They’ve been blazing away in the night (and daytime) sky for billions of years.

Messier 107 is a globular cluster – a defining name given to about 150 collections of stars located around the Milky Way.

Globular Clusters would also be an excellent name for a breakfast cereal.
All that’s missing is the technology to make crunchy bits that glow with an intense light when milk is added. Dark chocolate milk of course – to keep the deep space feel of things.

How hard would that be?

I know cereals don’t have jingles anymore, but this one should! Although you’ll have to make up your own tune.

Globular Clusters can’t be beat.
You can eat ’em with sugar, with fruit, with meat.
They’ll twinkle and sparkle and rock your bowl
‘Cause each box comes with a free black hole.

Globular Clusters every day!
They’re bright as stars in the Milky Way.
They’re packed with energy, there’s no doubt.
And time itself cannot snuff them out!

Globular Clusters – count them all.
There’s great big taste in each blazing ball
A fusion of flavor in every one!
Your breakfast will shine like the morning sun.

Globular Clusters!

What’s your favorite breakfast cereal?