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Sea of Tranquility (World)

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Today is the anniversary of the first landing by humans on the Moon. It happened in 1969 when the Lunar module from Apollo 11 touched down in the Sea of Tranquility. Not an actual sea, of course, but a darker area on the moon’s dry surface that was thought to be a sea by early observers.

Photo by NASA/GSFC/Arizona State University

Not long ago, NASA’s Lunar Range Observer took a photo of the area from 30 miles up. The bright spot to the left is the Apollo 11 site. For the people who already believe humans actually travelled to the moon, this is proof positive that a landing occurred. For all the moon hoax conspiracy theorists, flat-earthers and space travel deniers, it is just another bad Photoshop job.

But take a good look at the site. NASA says the area in the photo is about four tenths of a mile across from side to side and from top to bottom.

It just so happens Disneyland Park in Anaheim, California is about four tenths of a mile across from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh on the west to the outer edge of Autopia on the East,
and also from Mickey’s House on the North to the main gate on the South.

Coincidence? I think not. If the current push towards the private exploration of space continues and ultimately includes space tourism as a main revenue source, the Apollo 11 landing site at the Sea of Tranquility (World) will become a significant historic and recreational destination.

Photo by NASA/GSFC/Arizona State University/Google Maps

People will flock there with their families, though they’re bound to complain about that insipid music that accompanies the ride on It’s A Small Step After All.

Invent an attraction to go in (or near) Sea of Tranquility (World).

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Beechly Distances Himself

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Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Congressman Beechly believes in Floater ID

Greetings, Constituents!

I have been pressured by some of you to make a formal statement regarding Rep. Michele Bachmann’s recent charge that Islamists have an undue amount of influence at the highest levels of the administration.

The people who want me to say something about it have noted that other members of Congress have already denounced her as a lazy and careless alarmist who is not interested in the truth, but will lunge for the opportunity to repeat any piece of petty balderdash that demeans another person as long as it supports the flawed narrative she’s trying to sell the American people.

But of course I would never criticize another member of Congress so harshly, even if a genuine war hero like Senator John McCain is providing cover for me. I have made a pledge to myself to not be nasty or judgmental. These are hard things for a Congressman to not do, but I’m committed to avoiding them.

In keeping with that core value of mine, I will decline the opportunity to say incendiary things like “she’s raving mad,” or “this smacks of McCarthyism.”

The McCarthyism claim is one I particularly will not make, because even a single mention of McCarthy can be quite damaging to a person’s reputation. Not only that, but every additional reference to McCarthy makes it worse. In fact, the more McCarthy’s name is mentioned in close proximity to any member of Congress (not just Michele Bachmann), the deeper the hole that’s dug, McCarthy-wise. Some think McCarthy was misunderstood and wasn’t all that bad, really. But putting McCarthy’s name alongside someone like Michele Bachmann’s, like Bachmann = McCathy, is simply wrong, and I won’t do it.

So much of what goes on in Washington DC today is like this – all a big fuss about trying to catch someone saying something that’s indefensible. This game of “gotcha” is an enormous waste of time on both sides of the aisle, and I’m proud to be the sort of Congressman who won’t involve you in such obviously partisan quarrels.

Instead, you can count on me to be your Representative of midwestern fairness and decency in Washington, DC. I will continue to resist the temptation to say provocative things about my opponents, and I will be totally transparent with you about the despicable charges I am being urged to make, but won’t.

Your most decent and humble servant,
Hon. Loomis Beechly

Hmmm. Sounds like the Congressman is trying to avoid getting muddy by denying that he is doing what he is doing while he is doing it. But most of the district (all the water surface area in the state) is built on mud. Will the 9th Districters buy it?

How do you feel about mud?

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Moving Day

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Today is moving day for my son Gus, and while he has migrated in and out of the house many times over the course of his college career, today is more significant than the others because it is potentially permanent. He’s off to Memphis as part of Teach for America. The mission for the next two years is to help high school students understand Algebra – possibly the most important job being done anywhere today.

Good Luck and God Bless.

One math concept we’ve come to understand is simple addition. If you buy stuff for a kid almost every time you see something cute or fun or useful, and you do this for 22 years nonstop and almost never throw anything away, you will wind up with a huge collection of things. The prospect of moving these things out of the house and into a shared apartment 700 miles away has led to some much needed thinning out of the family museum, but even so the rented truck that pulls out of our driveway this morning will be heavy with memories and debris.

Who knows how much of this will fit in the new apartment? Careful plans have been made but we shall see how they measure up to reality.

My first real post-college home was on the second floor of a house just a few blocks from Lake Okabena in Worthington, Minnesota. There were two apartments up there in what used to be the attic. The space was divided down the center with a common hallway and a shared bathroom. I had my own bedroom, kitchen and living room. My housemates were two sisters – they made sure I knew they were of German ancestry – named Matilda and Lucille. I remember at the time I referred to them as “elderly”, although they were probably very close to the age I am now.

I’m sure they were horrified to have to share a roof (and that bathroom) with me – a 20 year old knucklehead with no manners or hygiene. Even now, friends offer sympathy when they find out I had to endure such an arrangement, but I think Matilda and Lucille suffered more severe pain from having to hold their tongues. I needed so much scolding, but it would not be neighborly to just come out and say it even though disapproval can be toxic when it is bottled up. But I knew my activities and associations did not escape notice.

Perhaps it is not such a bad arrangement for a young person to feel so closely watched. If Friday night was so much fun that, come Saturday morning, I could not remember what time I returned home, Matilda and Lucille would be able to tell me. Right down to the minute. The knowledge that one is being carefully monitored can bring some sobriety to the decision making process.

Not a bad thing for a kid on his own, a long way from home.

Tell us about your first apartment.

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Second Banana

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Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I love bananas!

I love them because they have no bones, and because they are the funniest fruit, giving us gaudy color and lots of raw material for pratfalls. Plus, monkeys like bananas, and monkeys are inherently comical whenever they are not biting you.

So it’s hard to improve on the banana for looks, flavor, and how they make you feel.

But there is a weakness – bananas are not like potato chips. When you’ve had one, that’s usually enough. At snack time, people rarely go for a second banana. In politics and show business, second bananas are disparaged – the name itself means that it is simply not as good or as desirable as the top banana.

Second bananas become leftover bananas, and leftover bananas become problematic. They turn all splotchy and can make the room bananodiferous. Imagine a store overstocked with second bananas! I don’t have to imagine it – I’ve lived through it and I can tell you it is not one of the things that grocery people brag about.

That’s why my July special at Genway is the Forever Banana! Using DNA from the giant sequoia, I made a banana that will last several lifetimes! Several HUNDRED lifetimes. Some of the trees in the Sequoia National Forest may be over 2000 years old! Mixing a touch of that sequoia mojo in with your average supermarket cavendish will give you a fruit that’s good at least until November. Of 2299. That’s more than enough of a lifetime to have it stay available for next weeks’ breakfast.

There are added advantages that come with adding Giant Sequoia DNA to bananas –

  • Extra Large Size
  • Super Durable Peel
  • Awe Inspiring Majesty
  • Rings!

And of course there are a few disadvantages –

  • A Little Bit Woody
  • Counter Space Hogs
  • Not A Favorite Hand-Me-Down For Future Generations
  • Sappy Tasting

But these are small drawbacks when you consider the big payoff. Genway Forever Bananas are reliable and sturdy. Steadiness is their trademark. When you need a banana-like fruit, they’re going to be there for you. They’re the right color and the proper shape, and they don’t go bad!

In today’s flashy, wacky world, there’s a lot to be said for something decent that’s available and not too weird.

Thanks for your attention, and please …
Don’t forget to play with your food!

Dr. Kyle

I suspect Dr. Kyle might be thinking more about the Republican Veepstakes than the produce section of his store right now. I’ve thought for some time that the good Doctor is aligned with the Republican Party – he is a long time foe of regulation and government oversight of any kind. His argument for a bland, reliable, durable banana sounds a lot like what I’m hearing in favor of Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty. Of course just because one is asked to join the race does not mean that the answer will be an automatic “yes”.

On which U.S. President’s ticket would you want to be the second banana, and why?

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Whispering in the Cemetery

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Today’s post comes from marketing whiz and ideas man Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

Just saw a great concept described in this newspaper article – tombstones with codes chiseled in them so people can use a cell phone to link to text, photos and video of the deceased.

Everybody wants to live forever! I know I do! If that’s not possible, at least make it so I can force people to listen to me after I’m dead. Lecturing from the grave has got to be the next best thing to perpetual life. Better, really! If someone has to hear you talk, the fact that you are dead adds interest. Especially if they are under the delusion that you are somehow nearby, and can see them too!

That’s why connecting your sound and fury to the location of your buried remains is such a genius idea. Standing there at your tombstone, hearing you rattle on about integrity, discipline and the importance of family, people might imagine that you are present in the space and could possibly lash out with a breeze, a rumble beneath the earth, or even the chilling touch of an icy, invisible hand! That’s why cemeteries can be such creepy fun!

There’s just one drawback.

I’m guessing it will never be common for folks to go wandering around the graveyard scanning tombstones with their smart phones. Could be wrong, but I just don’t see that happening. The living are busy and so self absorbed! They won’t have the time and certainly won’t have enough interest to find out what your life lessons were.

This means big disappointment for those who will shell out for the full talking tombstone treatment. When they they check the web statistics, they will discover that it is only grieving relatives who access their digital remains, and with decreasing regularity since expired folks typically do not record or post fresh material.

If what you want is to bestow your timeless wisdom on a thoughtless world that has forgotten you existed, you need to place your QR code in a location that has higher traffic than the local boneyard.

The ancient Egyptians had this all figured out, carving their hieroglyphics into public buildings. Why not do the same thing with your QR code? Forget the cemetery! There are enough similarities – the QR code and hieroglyphics are pretty much identical. To me, anyway!

Face it, these would look so cool side-by-side on your memorial pyramid.

But most (all) of us won’t get a pyramid, so why not take your tombstone money and mount a posthumous ad campaign where people can see it?
Have your QR code carved into the side of the Vikings new pleasure dome in downtown Minneapolis. I’m sure Zygi Wilf would take your money in exchange for a nice blotchy design that could create some appealing texture on those monumental outside walls.

And if somebody accidentally scans it while calling their bookie to place another $500 on Minnesota’s opponent of the week, they’ll get a chance to hear your words of wisdom – “Don’t waste your money in gambling. Especially on the Vikings.”

Your Entrepreneurial Friend,

Spin Williams

What would your talking tombstone say?

The Baboon Congress

Win / Win

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Today’s guest post comes from Barbara in Robbinsdale, with assistance from Steve in St. Paul before he left for the long weekend.

It was a week ago today that a “Congress of Baboons” from in and around the Twin Cities showed up at Steve’s house in St. Paul, to rescue his and his neighbor’s yards from a very large branch that had fallen from a very tall tree. Here’s what we were dealing with:

It turns out quite a number of baboons know their way around a chain saw (Ben, tim, Sherrilee, Linda, just to name those present), and who could resist tim’s call to duty?

We ended up amazing ourselves with what a goodly number can accomplish in 3 or 4 hours. Limbs were downed and cut into manageable chunks …

… brush was cleared and four loads of it hauled away;

… and finally the last “threads” were severed and the biggest limb…

…hit the ground with a resounding thud. Steve said that, although he was in the house (possibly making Kool-Aid) at the time, he knew it by the way the whole house shook.

Then we rested:

There were thirteen of us including Steve, spouses, and teens.

The Crew: Catherine (mig), S&H, Lisa, tim, The Teenager, Sherrilee, Bill, Robin, Barbara, Linda, Michael (BiR’s husband), Ben

(Lisa and Robin recapped the event in more detail here
about 2/3 the way down.)

I understand how overwhelmed with gratitude is the person on the receiving end of the giving. Here is one of Steve’s “thank you”s:

In some ways it’s more fun to be on the “giving” end, and I’ve read articles to the effect that it really is easier to give than receive. Other writings cover the fact that it is natural to want to help. Even infants will become concerned when they hear another baby in distress, and toddlers will actively try to help when they see a need.

I’ve been thinking what were the motivators that got a dozen people out on a lovely July Saturday to hack down a hackberry tree. I’ve come up with these:

– we got to be outdoors, and it wasn’t 102° F., or even 95°
– those who know how to handle power tools got to hone their skill
– we got exercise
– we got Kool-Aid
– we knew at the end of the day we’d been useful
– community: we got to hang with other “baboons” – it was a party.

At the end of the day, we ALL felt good, at least mentally. It was a win for Steve, and a win for baboons.

What’s the best example you can remember of a Win-Win situation you’ve experienced or observed?

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What’s In A Name?

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Minnesota’s Secretary of State, Mark Ritchie, is in a tussle with the Republican leaders of the Legislature over the naming of two constitutional amendments that will go before voters this November.

Republican majorities in the House and Senate put the voter ID and marriage definition measures on the ballot, but Ritchie chose names for them that are different from those that appeared in the actual legislation.

Ritchie says it is part of his job to select descriptive names for ballot measures.

Republicans believe he is going out of his way to place unflattering headgear on their handsome ballot-stars, and they are furious.

Here’s the Legislative title for the voting amendment:
“Photo identification required for voting.”

And here’s Mark Ritchie’s title:
“Changes to in-person & absentee voting & voter registration; provisional ballots.”

This is the Legislature’s title for the marriage amendment:
“Recognition of marriage solely between one man and one woman”

And this is Ritchie’s title:
“Limiting the status of marriage to opposite sex couples.”

Does a name really matter? Some observers have opined that inattentive or indifferent voters would, without thinking too much about it, vote in favor of “photo identification” and “recognition” of man/woman marriage, but would be against anything that smacks of “changes” to the voting system or Government “limiting the status of marriage”

Are we really that easily swayed?

What if some familiar amendments to the U.S. Constitution had carried unsympathetic monikers before going to the voters?

Amendment 1
A Cloak To Protect Pious Frauds and Smug Know-It-Alls.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment 2
Something For Belligerent Survivalists To Shout About.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment 3
A Measure Most People Are Going To Forget About Very Soon

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment 4
“A Limitation To Eternally Frustrate The Cops on TV Shows

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment 5
Something For Lawyers To Whisper In Their Clients’ Ears At Trial

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment 6
Full Employment for Defense Attorneys.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment 7
Making Sure 20 Dollars Is Considered A Lot Of Money, Forever.

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment 8
Ordinary Punishment Is OK 

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment 9
Covering Whatever It Was We Didn’t Think Of Earlier.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment 10
If Mom Didn’t Give It To You, By Default It Belongs To Me

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

OK, now I’m feeling a little bit iffy about the Bill of Rights.

When has a name change altered your view of something?  

Poems

Gopher Feet Suite

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Here’s a rich and surprising comment from yesterday’s conversation about animals and crime.

Vicky is right – some townships pay a bounty. At least they did as recently as 2009.
And PlainJane is also right – this is gruesome. I’m sure it has not gone unnoticed by bucktoothed bards.

The prairie’s wide and low and flat
and rich, so things may grow.
It nourishes all plants above
And critters down below.

The ones who dig feel safe at home
In tunnels that they make.
But terror runs throughout the loam
Surrounding Silver Lake.

The bucktooth Gophers rototill
Through tree roots, soft and sticky.
But when they want a secret thrill
They softly whisper “Vicky”!

She frightens everything submerged.
“A child,” they say. “Petite.”
“But watch your back when you’ve emerged.
She’ll chop off all your feet!”

A shudder shook a gopher guard
On duty by the shore.
“She killed a dozen in my yard
And then came back for more. “

Her legend, scary and profound,
among the gophers grows.
They say she’s known to carry ‘round
A bag filled up with toes!

How could a child take such delight
In sport that is so gory?
Some people say she’s not quite right.
But that’s another story.

For in the village square each day
She’s greeted with applause
They give her praise and hand her pay
When Vicky gives them paws.

What nuisance should government pay a bounty to reduce?

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Bad Bears News

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Yes, it appears this is shaping up as a week full of animal stories.

Bart – The Bear Who Found a Smart Phone

Yo, Bart here.

So, when I look for news about the things “my kind” are doing in human society, I get way too much stuff about shootings and mailings and tranquilizer guns. It’s depressing. Can’t we just all get along?

Then there’s this story from the San Gabriel Mountains near Los Angeles, which I guess is a long ways away from here. A family of bears taking a dip in some guy’s pool. If you’re like me, when you read the story you’ll think “so what”? He lives on four acres on the edge of a National Forest. It was the middle of the afternoon. Why shouldn’t the local bears go for a swim? Things get hot, and if you had to entertain two cubs you’d be desperate for any kind of diversion, especially if it involves splashing and thrashing and maybe, if you’re lucky, salmon.

Or at least some fun pool toys to chew on.

I’m glad the bears were gone by the time the police showed up. Nothing ruins a fun afternoon like another one of those miserable tranquilizer darts. A sharp stinging pain and suddenly you’re waking up in some part of the forest you’ve never seen and you have to learn all over again where it is that people dump their trash. Bummer. Life is too short.

But this is the sentence that really got me.

Black bears were introduced into the San Gabriel Mountains in 1933, the descendants of 11 “troublemakers” transported from Yosemite National Park.

So there’s a whole tribe of bears out there with “troublemaker” in their DNA. Profiled early by the police and destined to be on the wrong side of the law forever! Oh, the romance of being in a group of outcasts – to know that you have a role to play in the world and it’s all about making havoc!

I’m a pretty well behaved bear, but when it comes time to hibernate this year, I’m going to spend those months dreaming about being a San Gabriel Rowdy, skinny dipping in isolated swimming pools and making the suburbanites mad!

Your Buddy,
Bart

If you had to be a criminal, what sort of criminal would you be?

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Miffed Cats Devour Blogger

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New Brighton, MN – July 10, 2012

In yet another startling example of the threat to personal health and safety posed by careless posting of half-baked opinion and so-called “humor” on the internet, a Minnesota blogger was devoured by a group of angry house cats early Tuesday morning.

Dale Connelly, author of the not-as-popular-as-he-thinks “Trail Baboon” blog, published an entry on Monday that included some disparaging remarks about felines. The entry in the six-days-a-week blog revolved around an earlier story that appeared in mainstream media regarding research that indicates over-exposure to cat litter could lead some people (but especially Danish women), to attempt suicide.

Connelly mocked the research by treating it as a serious threat in the voice of an invented, safety-obsessed character, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At one point in his under-researched, overlong, 500 word plus screed, Connelly said:

” … some canine lovers will say it’s the other way around – that a person’s willingness to live with cats is a clear sign of a pre-existing tendency toward self-destruction.”

This was apparently the final insult for local cats, many of whom are notably unimpressed by wordy, obtuse attempts at humor. Witnesses say literally hundreds of quietly purring death-dealers gathered at the Connelly house and ambushed the 56 year old community radio news director as he was dragging his family’s garbage to the curb in the early darkness.

Trash haulers, notably a hardy bunch, were being treated for shock and despair after finding smeared remains of the lifelong government-subsidy addict spread casually around the front yard of his New Brighton home.

Blog readers wondered throughout the day what might have happened to Connelly, who is notoriously reliable in posting his unremarkable thoughts at roughly 6 am Monday through Saturday. Online concern about Connelly’s fate turned to alarm, shock, grief, acceptance and finally, disinterest by late afternoon.

“So much of what he wrote was tongue-in-cheek,” said one reader. “Little did he guess the last tongue to taste his cheek would have the texture of sandpaper.”

If you suddenly disappeared, who would complain, and why?