Today’s post comes from the elected representative of all of Minnesota’s water surface Area, the Honorable Loomis Beechly.

Greetings Constitutents!

I see that Presidential Candidate Milt Romney is going to announce his Vice Presidential pick through a special Veep App, and he’s offering his followers and adherents a chance to be among the first to know by downloading the software pronto!

That’s super clever! Social media is the future – at least that’s what I hear people saying around the old water cooler and over the backyard fence! Any politician who has something that people really desperately want should be like Mint Romney and have an app written to deliver it. By doing it that way, current and would-be office holders can get a head start with all their digital socializing – collecting names and addresses and matching those names up with pet issues and hot buttons so they can tailor their campaign pitch to appeal to each individual voter.

That’s where we’re going – political marketing on a person-by-person basis. Of course, selling any candidate is super-difficult because most politicians don’t have anything that the people really want.

I know I don’t.

One exception would be if I suddenly had a bunch of money to hand out.
Or if I had some good-paying jobs to bestow on people. But if I had those, I’d probably want to set up a patronage system where bootlickers and sycophants would give me campaign contributions to get the jobs for themselves or their relatives.

Aside from forking over really sweet gifts like money and jobs, politics is pretty much all about inside baseball. I don’t think your average app consumer is going to get very hyped up about being the first one to know whether the Veep is Pawlenty or Portman. How could anyone? The news just isn’t that compelling.

One thing politicians do have that people find fascinating – we have the ability to create gaffes. So don’t say Government can’t produce anything!

Gaffes are small or large-sized mistakes that turn into content engines – drawing eyeballs to websites and even old-style analog media platforms. I have no idea what I just said, but I’m told that a good gaffe can be worth millions to the media company that’s ready to exploit it. And one great Gaffe Fact – they’re always part of the GDP (Gaffe Domestic Product). Even if you manufacture a bunch of gaffes overseas like Mutt Romney just did, they’re always going to be American made.

And that’s why I’m thinking I should create an app to serve that need – a Gaffe App. Think of it – the Loomis Beechly Gaffe App would notify you whenever I’ve insulted a foreign head of state or belittled an entire city or nation, or if I’ve made policy off the cuff, or if I said something incredibly stupid or misinformed or if I just got somebody’s name wrong! The information would come to you so fast, you’d know I’ve goofed up even before I do!

I’m not sure Miff is savvy enough to come up with that kind of technical innovation, but I think I am! I just don’t know if I’m as good as he is at creating the gaffes. But I’ll try, because I think an Amercia that produces things is the kind of place I want to be from, no matter where I say or what I go!

Your Dedicated Public Servant,
Loomis Beechly

Have you ever produced an app-worthy gaffe?
If not, try to identify all of Congressman Beechly’s gaffes in today’s post!

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I love bananas!

I love them because they have no bones, and because they are the funniest fruit, giving us gaudy color and lots of raw material for pratfalls. Plus, monkeys like bananas, and monkeys are inherently comical whenever they are not biting you.

So it’s hard to improve on the banana for looks, flavor, and how they make you feel.

But there is a weakness – bananas are not like potato chips. When you’ve had one, that’s usually enough. At snack time, people rarely go for a second banana. In politics and show business, second bananas are disparaged – the name itself means that it is simply not as good or as desirable as the top banana.

Second bananas become leftover bananas, and leftover bananas become problematic. They turn all splotchy and can make the room bananodiferous. Imagine a store overstocked with second bananas! I don’t have to imagine it – I’ve lived through it and I can tell you it is not one of the things that grocery people brag about.

That’s why my July special at Genway is the Forever Banana! Using DNA from the giant sequoia, I made a banana that will last several lifetimes! Several HUNDRED lifetimes. Some of the trees in the Sequoia National Forest may be over 2000 years old! Mixing a touch of that sequoia mojo in with your average supermarket cavendish will give you a fruit that’s good at least until November. Of 2299. That’s more than enough of a lifetime to have it stay available for next weeks’ breakfast.

There are added advantages that come with adding Giant Sequoia DNA to bananas –

• Extra Large Size
• Super Durable Peel
• Awe Inspiring Majesty
• Rings!

And of course there are a few disadvantages –

• A Little Bit Woody
• Counter Space Hogs
• Not A Favorite Hand-Me-Down For Future Generations
• Sappy Tasting

But these are small drawbacks when you consider the big payoff. Genway Forever Bananas are reliable and sturdy. Steadiness is their trademark. When you need a banana-like fruit, they’re going to be there for you. They’re the right color and the proper shape, and they don’t go bad!

In today’s flashy, wacky world, there’s a lot to be said for something decent that’s available and not too weird.

Thanks for your attention, and please …
Don’t forget to play with your food!

Dr. Kyle

I suspect Dr. Kyle might be thinking more about the Republican Veepstakes than the produce section of his store right now. I’ve thought for some time that the good Doctor is aligned with the Republican Party – he is a long time foe of regulation and government oversight of any kind. His argument for a bland, reliable, durable banana sounds a lot like what I’m hearing in favor of Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty. Of course just because one is asked to join the race does not mean that the answer will be an automatic “yes”.

On which U.S. President’s ticket would you want to be the second banana, and why?

Minnesota’s Secretary of State, Mark Ritchie, is in a tussle with the Republican leaders of the Legislature over the naming of two constitutional amendments that will go before voters this November.

Republican majorities in the House and Senate put the voter ID and marriage definition measures on the ballot, but Ritchie chose names for them that are different from those that appeared in the actual legislation.

Ritchie says it is part of his job to select descriptive names for ballot measures.

Republicans believe he is going out of his way to place unflattering headgear on their handsome ballot-stars, and they are furious.

Here’s the Legislative title for the voting amendment:
“Photo identification required for voting.”

And here’s Mark Ritchie’s title:
“Changes to in-person & absentee voting & voter registration; provisional ballots.”

This is the Legislature’s title for the marriage amendment:
“Recognition of marriage solely between one man and one woman”

And this is Ritchie’s title:
“Limiting the status of marriage to opposite sex couples.”

Does a name really matter? Some observers have opined that inattentive or indifferent voters would, without thinking too much about it, vote in favor of “photo identification” and “recognition” of man/woman marriage, but would be against anything that smacks of “changes” to the voting system or Government “limiting the status of marriage”

Are we really that easily swayed?

What if some familiar amendments to the U.S. Constitution had carried unsympathetic monikers before going to the voters?

Amendment 1
A Cloak To Protect Pious Frauds and Smug Know-It-Alls.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment 2
Something For Belligerent Survivalists To Shout About.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment 3
A Measure Most People Are Going To Forget About Very Soon

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment 4
“A Limitation To Eternally Frustrate The Cops on TV Shows

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment 5
Something For Lawyers To Whisper In Their Clients’ Ears At Trial

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment 6
Full Employment for Defense Attorneys.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment 7
Making Sure 20 Dollars Is Considered A Lot Of Money, Forever.

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment 8
Ordinary Punishment Is OK 

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment 9
Covering Whatever It Was We Didn’t Think Of Earlier.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment 10
If Mom Didn’t Give It To You, By Default It Belongs To Me

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

OK, now I’m feeling a little bit iffy about the Bill of Rights.

When has a name change altered your view of something?  

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Everywhere I turn today, I hear people talking about austerity. Whole nations need to be more austere. The world itself is on an austerity binge, if such a thing is even possible.

And yet everyone seems to hate austerity at the same time they’re urging others to subject themselves to it. But here’s the thing – I’ve been into austerity all my life, always cutting back on expenses with relish and always trying to take as little pleasure in everything as I possibly can. For example, if I were you I would have dropped those pearls a long time ago.

I have even tried not to feel too superior about my own austerity when compared to everyone else, because to enjoy it would be a luxury, and we Austeriterians don’t go in for that sort of thing. That’s why I have to suppress a laugh when when they ask me to cut back on my budget at work or someone tells me to not use the air conditioning in my car so I can get better mileage. I’ve been making those sacrifices for years! No one can out-austere me. All these downsizing latecomers and expense slashing woe-is-me-ers really burn my hide.

Or they would, if I had any hide left to burn. As an austerity measure, I got rid of my frilly, self-indulgent hide years ago. I’m better off without it, and you would be too!

Frugally yours,
Already Ultra Austere

I told AA it can certainly be frustrating when amateurs try to horn in on your territory, but there is nothing to be done. It is human nature to believe one has “discovered” a way of life or a new experience. The idea that others have known about this for a long time and have already made the sacrifices you’re demanding diminishes one’s enjoyment of being in the vanguard. In the case of the current crop of austerity fanatics, taking away this one source of joy would be … well, ultra austere and compulsively cruel. Just like you.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s guest post is by Dr. Larry Kyle of Genway.

I know what you’re thinking, but I did not enter a bid on the Blood of Reagan!

Oh, I was tempted! As the founder and produce manager of a grocery store that specializes in genetically engineered foods, I am well aware of the value of even the smallest drop of celebrity DNA. And to have a sample from the man who arguably represents the first and most blatant intersection between show business and political power … I’m still amazed that I was able to resist.

Think about the possibilities inherent in introducing Reagan DNA into our produce section alone – like Corn on the Teflon Cob – grill it all day, it’s impossible to burn! Or Supply Side Grapes! Each bunch comes with a poor person whose job it is to feed them to you! The more you eat, the better they live! Or should I say, “the better you’ll feel about they way they live”. I know it doesn’t make sense but people will accept it anyway – that’s the Reagan DNA at work!

So why didn’t I bid on the Vial of Reagan’s Blood when I had a chance?

It was a business choice, pure and simple. In my line of work, it’s bad for the profit margin to do anything that pushes up the market value of raw DNA. That’s because DNA is the material that gives my style of unsupervised and under regulated experimentation its great potential.

Sure, a whole line of Reagan-infused produce would prove irresistible to my staunch Republican customers, but once shoppers got used to the idea of foods branded with their own peculiar political persuasions, I’d have to produce Palin Pomegranates and Santorum Celery. And you thought the sweater vests were ghastly!

Of course Democrats would do the same. I don’t know about you, but I’m just not ready for Obama Okra.

I can only hope that Reagan’s Blood will be safely kept from commercial misuse by the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation. Although like the powerful One Ring in that Tolkien trilogy, Reagan’s Blood may have the power to corrupt whoever possesses it. Pay close attention – if the foundation begins to explore cloning … watch out!

It sounds like Dr. Kyle has mellowed with age – he’s actually saying “no” when in years past his answer to every harebrained idea was always “yes, yes, YES!”

Does age lead to wisdom, or something else?