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Names For Success!

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state of Minnesota.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m ramping up my re-election campaign, doing everything I can to build on the momentum created my audacious and highly comment-able plan to design, build, launch and set fire to a coal-powered American Sun that will finally challenge the existing and highly suspect terrorist-sympathizing star at the center of our solar system that insists on shooting deadly rays at us!

Everyone else seems to think we are stuck orbiting it forever, but I say nonsense! America is all about competition. So let’s get our own dog into this fight may the best sun win!

And since America is all about winning, I want our children to be able to out-compete everyone – even each other – by having every possible advantage. That’s why I was shocked to read that many of our youth are already suffering from an economic malaise that comes with being given less-than-prosperous names.

According to the article, upon hearing someone’s name for the first time, we instantly set in motion a rapid sequence of biased judgments that profoundly influence how we feel about that person. Thus the cultural cues embedded in your name can determine your educational, romantic and job prospects for a lifetime.

This is a travesty!

That’s why I’ve introduced the Prosperous Names Act of 2014, although in keeping with the theory behind the Prosperous Names Act, I actually call it The Civil Rights Act of 2014. That’s because The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was an incredibly successful piece of legislation that is still being celebrated today!

The Prosperous Names Act requires Americans to learn the lessons of the past. Since no child should be saddled with a name that inhibits their advancement, the PNA requires that by age 5 they assume a nom de guerre modeled after Americans who have already demonstrated an aptitude for success.

For example, let’s take two names that are not proven “winners” in the marketplace of identities.

“Loomis” and “Beechly” come to mind immediately.

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with my names, though I have had to fight against the odd weight of them my entire life. Has it made me stronger? Perhaps. But if, at age 4, I had taken on a more obviously successful three name combination that spoke of wealth and achievement to people of my generation – something like “Mark Twain Rockefeller”, I would probably be a Senator now rather than a mere shadow Congressman.

Think about today’s children.

What if they showed up for that first day of school with name tags that read “Oprah Musk Buffett”, “Walton Koch Murdoch” or “Barack Beyonce Bezos” – names that speak of accomplishment in the arts, industry, science, and politics. But mostly, in accumulating money. Wouldn’t their roads be easier?

I think so, and I should know! Or my name isn’t Denzel Gates Zuckerberg!

Your Congressman,
(see above)

What would you choose for your “nom de guerre”?

65 thoughts on “Names For Success!”

  2. Good morning. How about Leonardo Thoreau Einstein as my name for success? I should do well with a name like that, right? The combination of Einstein and Thoreau would be great. I just added on Leonardo because that makes a good sounding first name. That’s Leonardo as in Leonardo Da Vinci. However, being like Leonardo might be just as great or greater than being like Thoreau or Einstein.

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  3. jones has been a blessing
    tim not so much… jim? tom? ken? It must not hit your ear right. i say timothy and that fixes it but then I am timothy for the rest of the conversation and that was not the intent
    norah and spike made it
    jim and his koolaid tainted it
    when i leave my name for a dinner reservation or an intermission drink I use gilligan mahoskowitz just for fun
    hmmmm my daughters dream about what odd reactions to naming her dog hitler should fit in here somewhere

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    1. The surname Jones aches for exotic first names:

      Bealzabub
      George Washington
      Petunia
      Bob (as in the very right wing University)
      Solomon

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      1. Two were jones one married and isn’t anymore Devin goes on…
        1st son second marriage took moms name to continue family lineage then two hyphenated daughters who think last names are a pain

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      1. OT – my avatar’s disappead again and I can’t recall how I got it back the last time this happened! At least when I filled out the box below, my name appears on a post?

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      2. But where does the snort show up on the 1-5 snort meter? BiR set the stage for the snort-meter with her 4 snort laugh recently.

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  5. I heard a guy on the radio who said he had no last name because were a mixed religious family and to be given a last name that proclaimed him either muslim or buddhist is something they left to him. he chose to be agnostic so no last name was added. His birth certificate says only one name . i thought that was pretty cool
    tim
    got a ring to it…
    last name???
    don’t have one….
    might not be the key to instant karma but you never know

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    1. Too easy! Salinger, J.R.R., S.E. I was a Tolkien fan long before the movies (the live-action ones, anyway), my roomie reads and writes YA, and S.E. Hinton happens to be a fellow Saltgunner (fan of the show Supernatural).

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    2. All authors of literary classics. Salinger (The Catcher in the Rye), JRR Tolkien (Lord of the Rings), S.E. Hinton (The Outsiders). Good one though, Rico.

      For a killer literary name, I think I’d go with Leonard Baldacci Lehane.
      (Elmore, David, Dennis)

      Chris in Owatonna

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        1. That’d be Leonard David Lehane (LDL). Or a hyphenated last name, Lehane-Baldacci. šŸ™‚
          A good antidote to combat bad cholesterol (LDL) would be reading all their books. šŸ™‚

          Chris

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  7. I have been reading some family history accounts that are quite confusing due to the Friesland naming habits. Many people in the family were given as first names their mothers’ last names, or given as last names their fathers’ first names so that if your mother’s last name was Heikes, your first name would be Heike, and if your father’s first name was Arend, your last name would be Arends.. There was one person whose name was Poet Geeske, since Poet was the mother’s last name. I hope Poet didn’t go ahead and name any of her children Geeske. I noted lots of people who had either first or last names like Arends, Harm, or Meinerts. It is hard to figure out who belongs to who when people in the family don’t have the same last name on a consistent basis.

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    1. Yes, some of that is REALLY confusing. Then they get to America, start across the prairies west, and spell their names any old way. That creates havoc on Ancestry.com. i.e. Klein/Kline/Cline.

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  8. My high school typing teacher (yes, I took typing class) didn’t like her name. She wanted something more exotic. So, she insisted that we call her ‘Vanessa Danger.’

    Early in Mike Connors’ career (remember him from ‘Mannix?’), he didn’t go by Mike. He was ‘Touch’ Connors.

    There was a great episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, making fun of a BAD movie called ‘Space Mutiny,’ wherein they tease Reb Brown by suggesting what his character ~should~ have been named.

    I think, for myself, I’d like to have a rotating series of names. Probably most of them pulled from the Car Talk ‘Staff’ list.

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      1. B
        ā—¾Beat PunchBeef
        ā—¾Big, Brave Brick of Meat
        ā—¾Big McLargeHuge
        ā—¾Blast HardCheese
        ā—¾Blast ThickNeck
        ā—¾Bob Johnson
        ā—¾Bold BigFlank
        ā—¾Bolt VanderHuge
        ā—¾Brick HardMeat
        ā—¾Buck PlankChest
        ā—¾Buff DrinkLots
        ā—¾Buff HardBack
        ā—¾Butch DeadLift

        C
        ā—¾ChunkHead
        ā—¾Chunky
        ā—¾Crud BoneMeal
        ā—¾Crunch ButtSteak

        D
        ā—¾Dirk HardPec

        F
        ā—¾Fist RockBone
        ā—¾Flink
        ā—¾Flint IronStag
        ā—¾Fridge LargeMeat

        G
        ā—¾Gristle McThornBody

        H
        ā—¾Hack BlowFist
        ā—¾Hunk

        L
        ā—¾Lump BeefBroth

        P
        ā—¾Punch RockGroin
        ā—¾Punch Side-Iron
        ā—¾Punt SpeedChunk

        R
        ā—¾Reef BlastBody
        ā—¾Roll Fizzlebeef
        ā—¾Rip SteakFace

        S
        ā—¾Slab BulkHead
        ā—¾Slab SquatThrust
        ā—¾Slam
        ā—¾Slate Fistcrunch
        ā—¾Slate SlabRock
        ā—¾Smash LampJaw
        ā—¾Smoke ManMuscle
        ā—¾Splint ChestHair
        ā—¾Stump BeefKnob
        ā—¾Stump Chunkman

        T
        ā—¾Thick McRunFast
        ā—¾Touch RustRod
        ā—¾Trunk SlamChest

        W
        ā—¾Whip SlagCheek

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  9. Jumpin’ Jack Flash has a nice panache to it. I might also have to go with Wynton Miles Armstrong.

    And how could one not be a success at whatever one attempts in life with a name like Larson E. Whipsnade? (Bonus points for anyone who knows who “used” that name!)

    The ultimate indestructible name has to be T. (Titanium) Kevlar Steel. “Kev” to my friends. Sort of like T. Boone Pickens. And I think I’d spell Steel “Steele” in honor of my county of residence.

    I’ll probably think of dozens of better names later, now that I have that bug in my brain (thanks, Loomis), but for now I’ll have to go with Ludwig Amadeus Shostakovich.

    Chris in Owatonna

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  11. I never figured out the trick of making a lot of money, and I don’t see a way to do it with names. I’ll probably go by the name of Steve Grooms. People won’t expect too much from me that way.

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    1. As a kid, my last name, which is oddly the same as my brother’s, brought me some flack. For some reason, peers called me “Gruesome Grooms”. Rather than spell it out, I used to just say, “The opposite of brides”.

      My sons’ last name is Kuhl, pronounced “cool”. They’ve both taken full advantage of this, especially the younger son. He’s created a whole house renovation/design business that has vans. On the back there are signs on each one which read, “We’re So Kuhl” and on the satelite toilets, “Kuhl Stool”. The other son is often referred to as “Kuhl Hand Luke”.

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  12. Morning all. Love all the various names that baboons are adopting.

    Having already gone through the trouble to change my name twice, I think I’ll just stick with what I have!

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  16. I hated my first name as a child, so long and a bit odd. Little girls named Catherine (whose mothers will have them called nothing else) have a bit of a row to hoe.

    Such little girls are inclined to give all but the most special of people (or anyone over the age of 80, but then, those folks are automatically special) the raised eyebrow when they assume that their adult self should be called “Cathy”.

    One of my great- aunts was named Hattwig (pronounced HATE-vick), a name I class with the Welsh Angharad (famously in How Green was my Valley). You must be made of very stern stuff indeed to carry those names throughout your life.

    My tante Chris was always a bit put off by people who insisted on calling her aunt, Hattie. um no. just no.

    I wish I wrote the sort of books that could be attributed to Angharad leGuin.

    I was just thinking this morning that Saxby Chambliss owes a great deal to whomever named him.

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  17. My last name can be shortened to Rue, which is a fairly common last name, and also a perennial herb. As in meadow rue. If I were to write an authoritative book on all things botanical, I would use the name Rose Rue, or maybe Violet Rue. Or Laurel Rue. Lily Rue? Hyacinth Rue? All suggestions welcome.

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      1. Looked him up on Wikipedia. He was a star in the 40’s and 50’s, so not the silent era. A contemporary of Roy Rogers. Also had a series of comic books based on his western persona.

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  20. In grade school I was sometimes called Hen Bain.
    The only nickname I ever had was ‘Spanky’ because he was one of the LIttle Rascals.

    My mom mentioned a former neighbor, ‘Valentine Neuman’.
    I think that is the coolest name I have ever heard!
    Right up there with Boutros Boutros-Ghali
    Or Arup Gupta.

    Ben

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