Pranksgiving Fest

It’s not hard to accept the idea that man’s earliest attempt at humor was a fart joke. It feels right. But the second was probably a prank of some kind.

I have never been a fan of the game some DJ’s play when they make and broadcast prank telephone calls because it seems so unfair to make a show out of mocking strangers. This is odd because I did morning radio for more than 25 years. Fooling any unsuspecting person for your own amusement was a base element in the chemical profile of your standard wake-up show back then. Still is, probably.

And even though I didn’t care for elaborate put-on and almost never committed one, some of my fondest memories from those years are connected to one April Fool’s morning when we said, as straight-faced as possible, that we had been knocked off the air by a technical difficulty and did not know when we could get back on. The size of the problem was unknown, I told listeners, but we were trying to plot the extent of the outage by sticking pins to a map on the wall.

“Call the studio,” I said, “if you can’t hear us.”

The audio is still online, here. We start the prank about 100 minutes into the show. Honest.

We did get quite a few calls from people who got the joke immediately and wanted to participate in the fun. But among the respondents was one clearly confused older woman who couldn’t understand why we were talking about being off the air when she could hear us as clearly as ever a the intersection of Winnetka and Bass Lake Road.

A friend called me at my desk a few hours later and in a make believe voice chastised me severely for “… publicly humiliating my elderly aunt! Have you no decency, sir?”

I was halfway through my apology before he ‘fessed up. The woman was not his Aunt, but he felt a little sorry for her even though he, too, laughed at her bewilderment. Now it was my turn to be mocked. The tables had been turned, and appropriately so.

All this came to mind when I saw that Alan Funt’s son Peter was at it again, shooting new episodes of the classic TV prank show, Candid Camera.

In a commentary for the New York Times, Funt confessed some trepidation at trying to fool savvy moderns. He said “I worried briefly that people are now so tech-savvy that some of our props and fake setups wouldn’t be believed. Instead, we found that the omnipresence of technology has reached a point where people will now accept almost anything”.

And really, isn’t that the lesson of the past 20 years? Virtually any crazy thing is possible. Such as:

http://youtu.be/t-6q-HakwLo

Can you tell a convincing lie?

A Drink (or 8) with Dr. Babooner

We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

For years I have been following the old dictum about drinking 8 glasses of water every day.  I know others have moved away from it, saying no rule is iron-clad.  But I enjoy the healthy feeling of being well-hydrated, so it’s no hardship for me.   Also, I’ve become something of a public restroom hobbyist, so  I know how to find relief just about anywhere.

And I drink just about every kind of water – from bottles, water fountains, sprinklers and the kitchen tap.  I feel lucky to live in a country where I can do that without risking my health or even my life.

But I’m not so confident when it comes to food.  I’m suspicious about everything  and I always, always check the “use by” dates so I don’t wind up putting things in my mouth that are in the process of going bad.

I have this recurring nightmare that I’m watching myself eat a meal in a restaurant and I can see that the food that arrives at my table had been dropped on the kitchen floor just moments before.  The cook stepped on it, picked it up, flopped it back down on the plate and sent it out without telling anyone.

In this nightmare, I’m a silent observer so I can’t tell myself not to eat it .   I just have to watch.

Ugh.

At least I know the water is reliable.  But just last week I heard a rather alarming thing – that there is a lot of water on Earth that is remarkably old – and in many cases it is even older than the Sun!

Dr. Babooner, I can’t quite stomach the idea of swallowing something that was floating untethered around the universe that many billions of years ago.   I don’t know if space aliens have feet, but now whenever I take a sip of liquid I wonder who (or what) might have stepped on it or brushed up against it in the pre-solar system days and who might have swallowed (and excreted) it before me.

Babooner_Snorkel
The very thought of it makes me shudder.

Friends tell me to stop being so weird and they say I’m overreacting.  But I think the age of our water matters.  Do you?

Sincerely,
Feeling A Little Parched

I told F.A.L.P. that there is no way a modern person with a lively imagination can comfortably ingest anything these days without turning off their “what if” engine. Lots of things could have happened to your water before it got to you. Much more will happen after it leaves you. The only way to maintain your sanity (and your weight) is to eat in the here and now, without supposing anything at all about where the food and water came from.

But that’s just ONE opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Where Credit is Due

Today’s post comes from Dr.Larry Kyle, founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

In every life there comes a moment when you are struck by an uncomfortable truth about the work you’ve been doing.

DrKyle

For some, this moment came just yesterday when I realized I will never receive credit for accomplishing my mission – to develop genetically modified foods through unsupervised experimentation and then to release those foods into a trusting world!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

This came to me in a rush when I read an article that claimed a new mushroom species had been discovered in London grocery store.

Researchers testing dried porcini mushrooms found that three out of the fifteen pieces in the bag matched no known DNA profile!

This proved shocking to everyone because in most grocery stores people assume that someone, somewhere,knows what they are buying.

And if the grocery store operator had been aware that he was selling a previously unheard of and utterly unique product, he would have doubled the price. Obviously.

At Genway, the strange situation described above is our everyday reality. When walking up and down the aisles to peruse products like Genway’s Cobrabanana, our Fresh Living Toast, our Screaming Pumpkins, our Brussels Sprites, or our Snapping Peas, customers EXPECT to find fruits, vegetables and even animals that are well off the map of known science!

When I saw the mushroom story I instantly recognized these interlopers as stray samples of Genway’s Mock Mushrooms – fungal edibles interlaced with DNA from some of nature’s great mimicry artists – chameleons, mocking birds, the mimic octopus, the false cobra, and the Four-Eyed Butterfly Fish.

Our Mock Mushrooms grow from the ground up in a pre-dried state, and can be added to any mushroom dish when you come up just a little short of enough fungi to complete the recipe. Inherently aware of their surroundings, Genway’s Mock Mushrooms will instantly impersonate many varieties, including shiitake, frondosa, morel, chanterelle and the impossibly old and wrinkly-looking Calvin!

That last one isn’t a kind of mushroom – it’s your Uncle from Eden Prairie!

In the case of the London fungal surprise, someone must have purchased our Mock Mushrooms and then accidentally released them, perhaps during a picnic in the woods. They infiltrated a stand of existing fungi and eventually found their way into another grocery store on the other side of the globe.

I’m so proud! My glorious pretties have been released into an unsuspecting world!

But I will never get the credit I am due, unless formal charges are filed and international agricultural authorities have the power to extradite!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yours in science and subversion,
Dr. Larry Kyle

Do you get sufficient credit for the work you do?

Cutting Edge Television

I can’t seem to get away from rodents this week …

When television was brand new people didn’t really know what to do with it. Some the early attempts were merely radio with pictures, but eventually we figured out how to do things like Downton Abbey, House of Cards and The Sopranos.

But that was just practice for discovering the highest and best purpose of the medium, which is apparently to share the experience of dissecting colossal squid.

Yes, the televised taking-apart of a colossal squid drew a global audience that probably has Ed Sullivan forehead-slapping in his grave. “Why did I waste my time with plate spinners, the Beatles and Topo Gigio when I could have done THIS for a lot less?”

But of course the Colossal Squid is a shy and elusive creature who lives at the bottom of the sea and is not as accessible as a puppet you keep in the props closet, which may explain why there’s so much interest in seeing what’s inside one of them.

Still, you have to wonder – would dissecting Topo Gigio have drawn the same audience?

What’s the best TV special you’ve ever seen?

Wheel of Misfortune

Today’s post is a letter to the editor.

To the Editor:

I was insulted by your recent article that sings the praises of what you called a “Human Hamster Wheel“, portraying it as a reasonable and even groundbreaking advance over the standard office desk.

I shouldn’t need to tell you that the term “Hamster Wheel” is offensive to all Rodent Americans, as it is often used in a belittling fashion, hand-in-hand with descriptions of futile, frenetic, and strangely comic activities. But it may come as a surprise to you that we hamsters do not relish pointless work and we get no joy from the kind of running that leads to no real change in location.

Our main concern, especially in the wild, is survival.

And in the name of that cause, no motion is wasted. If you saw me hoarding seeds and nuts you would realize that I work hard. Why do you think I stuff my cheeks so full?  Saves on steps, that’s why!  I can carry more snacks back to my burrow.

But efficiency is not what you would expect if your only image of us is of a creature running nowhere on a squeaky treadmill.

Humans, on the other hand, are famous effort wasters. You  relish creating multiple systems that require a lot of activity from hopeful participants in the name of creating something meaningful but instead these bright ideas yield no tangible results.

The smug looking man in the video appears to be very satisfied with himself for being inside a rotating circle.

For hamsters, it is just the opposite. When you see us running on the inside of a metal wheel, we are enraged! And the fact that you stand around and laugh at us while we do it is infuriating.

So don’t tarnish our reputations by putting the name “Hamster” on this  endless “circle of frustration.”

It’s a human invention, pure and simple.  So why don’t you just call it “Congress”?

Sincerely,
A. Hamster

 

Name something that is mis-named.  

Gilt By Association

Today’s post comes from marketing genius and idea man Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

Somebody asked me the other day why it’s so hard to solve the problem of poverty, and the thought that came to mind immediately was this – “There’s no money in it.”

And isn’t that obvious? I mean, if we could find a way for people who already have a lot of money to make a profit out of ending poverty, it would be gone overnight!

I brought this brainstorm up to my colleagues at The Meeting That Never Ends, and everyone agreed it would be pretty great if we could get even richer by un-poorifying chronically impoverished people. Unfortunately, we couldn’t think of a way to do it that didn’t involve us just handing them bundles of cash, which would make us feel like chumps and cut into our profit margins pretty severely.

Then somebody brought up this article from the New York Times that talks about the benefits of early intervention in child rearing. Apparently “everybody knows” this is the right thing to do.

The writer, Nicholas Kristof, had an interesting suggestion –

We wish more donors would endow not just professorships but also the jobs of nurses who visit at-risk parents; we wish tycoons would seek naming opportunities not only at concert halls and museum wings but also in nursery schools.

That last one really caught fire at The Meeting.

The idea seems to be that helping young children thrive would be a great PR move for rich people, a notion we would endorse if tycoons wanted great publicity. But I know my tycoons, and when it comes to slapping their name on things, it’s not publicity they’re after, it’s immortality! So the nursery schools they named would have to be stadium-sized, or as tall as skyscrapers.

Then we thought – what if we could match up some black-hearted corporations that really NEED a little shimmer of do-gooder gold on their surface with the people who empower very young children?

So we Googled two lists – one of creative preschool names and another that named U.S. Defense Contractors, and  started to mix and match.  Suddenly the puzzle pieces fell into place! Look for some of these great new institutions to pop up soon!

  • Alliant Techsystems Journey School
  • Halliburton Baby Stars
  • Cradle to Ceradyne
  • Just For Kids Pinnacle Armor Preschool
  • Peter Pan Man Tech Early Learning Center
  • Navistar R Kids
  • Concurrent Technologies Country Day School
  • Raytheon Pumpkin Patch
  • Hybricon Toddler House
  • First Steps General Dynamics Whee!

I love the sound of it.

Not only do these institutions come off as  incredibly advanced, they’ll look great on that first line of your resume. Assuming you want to blow things up for a living!

See? Marketing solves problems!

Your pal,
Spin

What’s the most impressive school on your resume?

Control Issues

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, Civilians!

Be at ease but be cautious whenever someone else offers to do the driving, especially when that “someone else” is a machine!

Yes, I admit I’m alarmed at the progress Google is making with its Autonomous Car Program.  Why?  It won’t be long before you will be able to buy an automobile that will drive itself to wherever you’re going – regardless of whether you intend to go there or not.

What do I worry about when I imagine our driverless car future? Everything, of course! But mostly, it’s the loss of control.

And here’s another thing that keeps me up at night – Americans who ride around in autonomous cars will eventually forget how to drive. It’s inevitable, because anything that is not practiced withers away. Think of it – when the autopilot switches off, we will suddenly discover that we have lost the talent and the ability to safely operate automobiles.

In other words, it’ll be just like today, only more so!

The downsides here are so many and so negative, I hardly know where to begin!

The upside? Suspense novelists will have a new way to commit murder – cruel geniuses will be able to hack the on board computer of dispensable characters and drive the poor unfortunates off a cliff from poolside using an iPad.

Cue the evil laugh!

And once this starts happening in books, it’s only a matter of time before it’s in your neighborhood, and then in your driveway. Good God, get out! That menacing phone call is coming from inside your own garage!

Stay worried,
B.S.O.R.

The autonomous car is coming. Will you be strong enough to resist?

Ask Dr. Babooner

We are ALL Dr. Babooner.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

While I was on an extended trip overseas, I found out that the people back in my home country are suffering from the widespread outbreak of a terrible, fatal disease. My boss asked me to come back immediately to face Ebola with the rest of my countrymen, but since I am not a doctor and can’t do much personally to halt an epidemic, and because I am, like most people, primarily interested in self-preservation and do not see myself as much of a hero, I declined.

When my boss found out I had done this, he fired me immediately..

As you might imagine, I have mixed feelings.

While no one appreciates being fired, the fact that I no longer have a job back home is just another great incentive for me to stay far away from the disease. However, that also means I have to find a new job in this new land full of perplexing rules and beguiling opportunities that look a lot better at a distance than they do up close.

As I go out job hunting, I’m uncertain how much to tell prospective employers about my situation. Sometimes, if you have even a tangential relationship with sickness, it can become a problem for people. For instance, I have some American friends who know the entire story. They’re very supportive, but they won’t come to my house.

One friend told me in all seriousness (via e-mail) that the word “Ebola” should never appear in a cover letter.

Ever.

She says any association with the word leads non-infected people to exhibit strange behavior, like putting on gas masks even though you’ve never been near anyone with the disease and it can’t be transmitted through the air anyway.

“Better,” she says, “to remain quiet and let them figure it out AFTER you’ve been hired.

I’m sure she has a point, but I worry that if I don’t mention “fleeing from Ebola” as one of the reasons I have not gone home, I am only telling part of my story. And if I purposely omit any mention of the epidemic from my resume, then I don’t have a good explanation about why I’m still here. I have a feeling that could come back to haunt me later on.

Dr. Babooner, I’m conflicted. Should I put the whole story out there, including my decision to flee from Ebola, or should I be cagey and say I’m here on an extended visa because my aunt is very, very sick?

Sincerely,

Connie Tagious, Outbreak, Pennsylvania.

I told Connie that honesty is always the best policy because you never have to try to remember which version of the truth you used with which person or group. And with a name like “Connie Tagious,” it is best to stay far, far away from any explanation that requires the listener to accept the idea that someone is ill.  Especially if it’s not true.  We don’t like illness, and often don’t know what to say about it. Plus, if you tell prospective employers that your aunt is sick when she’s not, that’s lying. And lying is an even more widespread epidemic than Ebola.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Stand Up Guy

With yet another new research fragment drawing us toward the conclusion that sitting is a hazard, I urged Trail Baboon Poet Laureate Schuyler Tyler Wyler to take up his pen to write an anti-sitting poem.

STW wrote back immediately to say that he was “offended.” As a Serious Poet, he does not produce doggerel on newsy topics for the purpose of entertainment. He argued that he finds nothing inspirational in sports medicine research, and besides, if the latest data is correct my request that he write a poem is essentially a demand that he shorten his life, since creating poetry is one of the sitting professions.

I told him to try writing standing up, but he answered with a firm declaration that such a thing is simply impossible. “It takes intense concentration and focus to create a work of genius.” He said “Having to remember to keep my balance will dull the edge of inspiration.”

STW noted that great poets, like Billy Collins and Charles Wright, have already written on the topic, and their work is unabashedly pro-sitting. How could he contradict people he respects and maintain his integrity?

I answered with an assurance that the audience for this blog is very close to zero, so his reputation will not suffer. And “a work of genius” is never required for a mere blog post. I suggested that if he felt stuck, he could give himself a head start by stealing the work of someone else, like the wooden-legged Welsh poet W.H. Davies.

Then I offered him $50 to drop the complaints and get me something within the hour. He thanked me and got to work.

A person can stay trim and fit,
As long as they can’t stand to sit.
So learn a lesson from the cows.
Take to your field in stately rows
to watch the world before you pass.
and never plop down on your grass.
Your buns will become firm and tight.
Your frame will thin, your face will light
With other benefits. Perchance –
much longer-lasting seats of pants.
And if you’re standing like a crop,
when death arrives, there’s room to drop.
But have them stand you up again,
for vertical internment‘s in.
Upon your narrow tombstone fit
these words: “He couldn’t stand to sit.”

What’s your favorite type of chair?

A Ceremonial Send-Off

Today’s guest post comes from Renee Boomgaarden, known as Renee in North Dakota.

A couple of weeks ago, husband and I were invited to a ceremony that a Native American friend organized to commemorate the fourth anniversary of his mother’s death. Our friend is Arikara, a member of the Three Affiliated Tribes (Mandan, Hidatsa, Arikara) who live on the Ft. Berthold Reservation in western North Dakota.

The ceremony took place in Bismarck while our friend was camping at the United Tribes Technical College Pow wow. It was conducted by Eric, a Lakota Indian from the Pine Ridge Reservation. He is our Arikara friend’s spiritual advisor. Eric explained that the Native American period of mourning lasts four years, and the purpose of the ceremony was to set free the mother’s spirit and bring her children out of the mourning world.

Our friend and his five siblings lined up by the camper and we observers sat across from them. A plate of food and a glass of water for the mother’s journey into the next world was set on a nearby table. The ceremony began with all present getting smudged with cedar smoke, fanned on us out of a shell with a leather-bound bunch of eagle feathers. Eric then stood between us and the siblings and directed two Lakota traditional singers to sing the song to help the mother’s spirit leave this world and travel to the next. He said prayers in Lakota to the four winds/directions. Then he brushed each of the siblings head to toe with the eagle feathers and wiped under each of their eyes with his fingers to remove any tears.

Eric then directed the singers to start the Song of Welcoming, to welcome our friend and his siblings out of the world of mourning into our world. Each sibling was given a taste of corn meal and a drink of water. We observers very formally shook hands with each of the siblings while Eric said another Lakota prayer. We then sat down to a potluck supper, the oldest person going through the line first.

Everyone mourns in their own way and in their own time. Our friend was very happy at the conclusion of the ceremony, surrounded by friends and family, sharing a meal, at peace.

Describe a ceremony that gives you comfort.