Wardrobe Malfunction

I wear Birkenstock sandals (sans socks) to work in the summer. The ones I have are five years old. My son  tells me that I should replace them every year.  (He has terribly flat feet and probably got that advice from his podiatrist. ) That  seems wasteful and silly to me,  but recently I have noticed some issues with my sandals that make me think it is time for replacements.

The soles of my feet are contacting the foot bed of my sandals and are making continuous fart noises when I walk. It is getting worse every day. I tried tightening the straps, but that didn’t help. My young clients think it is hilarious. I worry coworkers think it is gastric instead of pedal.  If I wear socks I will confirm in everyone’s mind that I am odd beyond redemption.  What is a girl to do?

Tell about costumes, clothes, or uniforms that gave you grief.  What wardrobe malfunctions have you experienced?

72 thoughts on “Wardrobe Malfunction”

  1. I’m having trouble thinking of anything specific but I do know that over the years I’ve used duct tape to hem a skirt and more than once I’ve used staples to hold something together temporarily.

    I’m also a Birkie gal – I wear them 3 quarters of the year. The other quarter, of course, is devoted to flip flops!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My body has become peculiar,
    All odd as measured by ruler.
    My inseam is shrinking, such mirth.
    Above it expands my girth.
    My pants want to fall down.
    My shirts get stretched into gowns.
    I tell the doctor to cut off some toes,
    Thanks to PA not enough room left in my shoes.
    Socks are too tight or too loose,
    Collars feel more like a noose.
    Clothes I could do without,
    Except in the news me you would hear about.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. High school marching band uniforms were terrible. Ours were heavy black wool jacket and pants with a plastic overlay. We even were white spats.

    How many baboons have ever worn spats? Why were spats invented?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I did! In the LeMars Marching Band, of course. I think spats were invented as “dandies” wore shoes instead of boots. The spats were to protect the wardrobe from horse-doo in the streets and mud spatters, then it became a fashion affectation.

      Liked by 4 people

    2. I was in marching band for one season. I hated marching so much that I quit band altogether, since marching band was the only band option. The band uniforms were stiff and uncomfortable, especially since the marching band started practicing in late July or early August and we were farmed out to march in small town parades, wearing heavy wool in late summer heat. I don’t remember spats distinctly, but I have a vague recollection they were perfunctory plastic things with elastic under the instep.

      Liked by 3 people

    3. I actually used to have a pair of pirates spats. I did pirate as a costume for a few years but never wanted to buy expensive boots to round out the ensemble. Found the Pirates spats online for not very much money – they worked just fine.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. I did too! Same thing. Marching Band. Except our hats were the rather square ones and for parades we got to add the ‘bloom’ to the top. Those were cool!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. one of my treasured hats is the tall one the marching band leader wears with his head tilted back and his boots kicked out in front with his baton doing the old one two

        chin strap is a great look under anyone’s cub but mine

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Rise and Hike Your Bra Strap Baboons,

    Old style, cheap bras were constantly sagging. For me with my roundish shoulders I had persistent strap slippage as a chronic wardrobe malfunction.

    The funniest and most infamous wardrobe malfunction I ever witnessed was with on of my High School friends who is still one of my favorite people. Mary Kay’s Mom was a notorious miser and spent as little as possible on the family wardrobe. This included Mary Kay’s underwear which she was expected to wear as long as possible, and way past any reasonable expiration date. This was in the days of mini-skirts which did not provide much cover.

    Mary Kay was walking to school and felt something snap, then snag. She looked down to her feet to see her poor, bedraggled underwear on the sidewalk. She just kept walking, never acknowledging that it happened. To our glee she got to school and told us the story, which had us giggling all day. One of us had an extra pair in a gym basket or a locker and outfitted her.

    We get together and still laugh about that one.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Great story, Jacque.

      Reminds me of an incident that happened at the boarding school my sister and I attended. One day my sister vanished, just disappeared. The nuns were frantically searching for her everywhere, but couldn’t find her. They finally resorted to asking for my assistance. They knew she was somewhere in the school, but no amount of calling and coaxing her had lured her from her hiding place.

      Despite the fact that I had not colluded (!) with her in any way, and she hadn’t told me she was going to hide or where, I knew knew all of the likely hiding places. I found her almost immediately, hiding in a small cubbyhole under the bottom landing of a back staircase. Turns our the elastic in her school-issued, ugly, brown, fleece lined underpants had snapped, and she didn’t want any of the other kids to see and tease her. She would have been six years old at the time.

      Liked by 5 people

    2. i went commando in high school and had this neil young patched on my very chic jeans. years later i was told of one of my unknown missteps where sitting backwards on my chair the teacher tried to misdirect the attention to the pendulum swing as i rocked while enacting my story
      always needed more patches

      Liked by 3 people

  5. I also was in tap dance classes as a small girl. Those costumes were not very comfortable. Too frilly and scratchy and stiff.

    Like

  6. Can you all tell I’m back at ‘work’ work now? I have more time to read and contribute! 🙂

    I always enjoyed the marching band spats. And the best looking group of men wearing spats I’ve seen are the young men in the library dance sequence from the 1962 version of the Music Man. Those guys look REALLY fancy in their pastel clothing and spats! (can’t find a video of the dance sequence).
    I did find this though. It’s a little bit creepy and then it made me laugh at the end:

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I am always changing and altering clothing, sometimes to widen something I like enough to put in the time to make it fit. I sometimes blend fabrics, to make a sort of patchwork garment – like adding a pocket that blends in with the other fabric, and a sort of gusset on the sides… I have lost some weight, and now some of these things could be removed, but who has that kind of time?

    I did a sort of patchwork fabric when I recovered a couch years ago. Hope I have a photo of that somewhere; it was a lot of work.

    I’ve mentioned how I’ll cut the straps off a pair of shoes to make them into slip-ons (did anyone else do this when they were a little girl?)… and I’m sure I’ve used duct tape in a pinch on some pair of shoes.

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  8. Love this post, Renee.

    I’ve had sufficient broken bra straps that I learned how to slip off the bra in an inconspicuous manner even during class. Since I wasn’t well endowed, and really wore a bra only at my mother’s insistence, it wasn’t a big deal, and I don’t think anyone noticed.

    I mentioned on here a couple of weeks ago that the between the toe strap on my left Mephisto sandal broke. The new pair arrived the following day, but the right sandal was defective. Zappos promptly sent me another pair, and I returned the defective ones. In the interim I had been wearing a cheap pair of sandals that caused a small tear in the skin in front of the bunion on my right foot, nothing serious, but painful when constrained by something.

    The new pair of Mephistos, like most shoes, need to be broken in. Initially the leather is a little stiff, but within a day or two becomes more supple. I’m now wearing my new left Mephisto and the old right one as the wound on my right foot makes it uncomfortable to be wearing the tighter, stiffer new sandal. Last night as we were sitting in the living room, Hans suddenly exclaimed, have noticed what a big difference there is between your two sandals? The sole on the old sandal is completely black, discolored by five years of wear, and the new sandal is still pristine. It’ll probably be a week or two before I can start breaking in the new one. Or is there a way to do that without wearing it? Any suggestions?

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    1. Put black electrical tape on the bottom of the new one you are already wearing. When you are ready for the new right one, take the tape off and then you can start fresh with both.

      Like

      1. I’m not so much concerned about the color difference in the two sandals, I’m sure I’ll even that out in no time once I start wearing both news ones. What I’m looking for is a way to soften the leather on the new right one before I start using it, if possible. That bunion is really sore, The answer may be to wear it only for a short time and switch back and forth between the old and new sandal, until I can tolerate the new one.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. if you oil it and put it in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes it will absorb
      do this as many times as you weenie foot requires to make the shoes work
      i got it from baseball gloves but shoes should work good on the leather in sandals

      i can’t wear the between the toe style sandals at all
      might as well push ice picks in my ears

      Liked by 1 person

      1. police oil vegetable or shoe oil like mink oil or saddle soap
        do both so the oil changes the color equally
        it darkens it and then fades with time doing it every year or two is not a bad idea
        keeps the stiching supple

        Like

      1. I wear the same thing year round except I wear flannel shirts in the winter and polo or hawaiian shirts in the summer. The rules are: no white after labor day, no red polo shirts at Target and no blue ones at Best Buy and no Hawaiian shirts at Trader Joes.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I think there could be a market for buttons that say things like “No, I don’t work here. I’m just wearing a blue shirt.” “No, I don’t work here. I’m just wearing a red shirt.” “No, I don’t work here. I’m just wearing a Hawaiian shirt.” tim, find a manufacturer and run with it.

          Liked by 3 people

  9. my fashion persona was discovered in 1970 or thereabouts. i ran into an old friend from high school who was laughing and saying “ nobody else figured out their brand at age 16 but you certainly did” i asked him what figuring out your brand meant he was a target mucky muck and dealt with all that corporate culture stuff.
    he laughed and said sport coat jeans button down collar comfortable shoes has always been your m o
    the lapel get wide and narrow
    cords and khakis added to jeans
    birkys. forever
    fashion don’ts
    wrong guy to ask
    my fart sounds are embarrassing for other reasons
    it’s hell getting old

    Liked by 5 people

  10. I think I’ve mentioned before about the time that a group of friends and I went into the embers restaurant in the evening and prior to about 1970 there was no rule about no shirt no shoes no service but it had been instigated about that time and when we showed up with no shoes the manager was quick to point out that there was a sign for bidding such activities we went out into the car where I had a spool of twine and tore up some cardboard into foot shaped pieces poked holes through the cardboard Inserted the twine and wrapped it around our ankles like Roman Greco sandals

    We thought we were great the manager was upset that we had figured out a way to bypass the rule and wanted to kick us out but if I remember correctly we prevailed and told him that if this was Leather instead of cardboard and twine he would have no reason to question us therefore these are simply our version of Roman Greco sandals and we can’t be kicked out of the restaurant we’re having our version

    I decided to pass on law school but I believe he continued his career in restaurant management after we left

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I was in elementary school when the seam split down the middle of my pants. My mom sewed a lot of our clothing and I don’t remember if this was a home-made pair or not. I remember being mortally embarrassed. I think the school office had another pair of pants.
    And one day I bumped into another desk and ripped a large hole in my pants about mid-thigh. I was embarrassed about that too; probably more of my pasty white skin showing than anything else. Again, it seems like the office saved the day.

    At the college, last week I borrowed a couple signs from the Presidents Assistants office. I hadn’t returned them yet as I was wearing sleeveless shirts all week and didn’t want to risk running into someone to whom that would matter. This morning I wore a shirt with the extra short sleeves, (but still sleeves!) and wouldn’t you know it; the new president was in his assistants office. Whew! Faux paux averted!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I was in a play where my characters pants are always unzipped. My character zips them up several times, after being told they’re open, and then near the end, an actress zips them up for me.
    The tricky part was finding places to unzip them again when the the audience wouldn’t notice.
    At the end of the show, us two guys, strip down to our underwear. One night as I started to undress I distinctly heard an audience member say “Oh no…..”. I really wanted to say “Oh Yeah Baby!”.

    It was a terrible show; you’ve never heard of it and never will again.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. OT. I posted something on my Facebook page about an art sale a friend of mine is having for charity. Her son died as the result of a fentanyl-related overdose, and the proceeds of the sale go charities dealing with mental health and addiction. My understanding of the mechanics of Facebook is that the more likes, comments and shares a post gets the more visible it becomes to others, so if anyone would like to promote it in this way. it would be most appreciated.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I was once doing an important presentation right after a coffee break for a large group. My partner asked me to get something from the car. I was carrying coffee and walked into a solid glass door. The coffee blew all over my clothes. We made a joke of it. A few months later a child ran into the door and it shattered. Big lawsuit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i’ve been semi seriously injured walking full spores into a door
      viking stadium has to deal with birds
      insurance company gets to deal with buildings for people

      Like

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