Normally I don’t click on things like “Worst Sitcoms of all Times” or “Hollywood Actors with Surprising Kung Fu Skills”. But for some reason, while waiting for a client call yesterday, I clicked on “Bad Movies We Love Anyway”. I hardly had the site open two minutes but it was enough time to see “VelociPastor”. No that is not a typo.
When I logged off work for the day, I couldn’t resist… found it on Peacock and within a few minutes had it going. It was dreadful. The basic story is that a pastor goes hiking and manages to hike into China (no discussion of WHY he was doing this), runs into a Chinese woman stabbed through the heart who gives him what she says is a “dragon tooth”. He cuts himself badly and apparently is infected with dinosaur DNA. Like Bruce Banner/Hulk, when he gets enraged he turns into a velociraptor. Initially he doesn’t remember these episodes but eventually learns to control it somewhat and becomes a crime fighter – a scaled crusader!
Very bad acting, some of the characters were dubbed, horrible dialog, every stereotype on the planet, unbelievable scenarios (the scumbag who murdered his parents comes to confession and the pastor kills him in the confessional). Of course, all the mayhem never leaves a drop of blood on him once he transforms back to human. Oh and he falls in love with the hooker who witnessed his first transformation and eventually dies in his arms. Half way through the movie, we also get ninjas bent on global domination and I’ll never forget the scene where the pastor and the hooker beat up all the ninjas in their underwear. When they eventually do show the whole transformation, it’s in a rubber dinosaur suit that doesn’t look anything like a velociraptor.
It was so awful it was kinda funny. Wouldn’t you have to TRY to make a movie this bad? Was this a “The Producers” situation, where they wanted to make a bad film so they wouldn’t have to pay investors back. Hard to imagine any other way this movie could have been made. Yet another bad movie that curiosity has driver me to that I will most likely never watch again.
What’s the absolute worst movie you’ve ever seen? And why?
Trail Baboon 
love it
Great read! The review of “VelociPastor” was hilarious. I appreciate your sense of humor. I can understand how the movie was so bad that it was funny. I’m curious, after watching this terrible film, did you end up watching any other “bad” movies?
Anne
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And, welcome to the trail. The answer to your question is, yes, unfortunately, I do watch other bad movies. It’s not a serious habit, but sometimes I just can’t stay away. As I was watching the end of VelociPastor, my daughter, YA, came in. She looked up some stuff on line and found that apparently the writer/director/producer and the two stars had made two other films. I have not gone looking for those.
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We started to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate on the recommendation from our son-in-law that it was the worst movie ever made but it was just too painful. Life is too short.
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MST3K showed that one. With commentary, it’s not painful.
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I remember a movie I once saw where someone discovered an antidote to evolution, as if evolution were a medical condition, and the affected individual turned into a caveman. Can’t remember the name of the movie, though.
Is the VelociPastor a priest or a minister? Priests aren’t usually called pastors but protestant ministers don’t have confessionals. Who was in their underwear— the pastor and the hooker or the ninjas? If a ninja was in his underwear could you tell he was a ninja? So many questions…
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The religious implications of this movie were really vague, but he was a priest. And there was a confessional. It’s funny you ask about the underwear because I rewrote that sentence about six times trying to make it clear who was in their underwear. It was the pastor and the girlfriend. The ninjas were, of course, in the required black ninja outfits.
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So maybe a better name for the movie would have been “The Priestosaur”? “FatherRaptor?
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If they had named it one of those, it would have been the only logical, thought-out action of the whole debacle!
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Do ninjas wear black underthings, I wonder?
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If they don’t go commando, I’d bet on black nether garments!
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I, too, was going to ask about the underwear. : ) I suspect a misplaced modifier?
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Velociraptors were less than two feet tall. How tall was the cleric? I suppose scientific accuracy on this point might have dampened the dramatic effect.
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The priest, whose name was Doug by the way, was your average priest height. And in his rubber “velociraptor” suit he was still priest height. You are correct, at that point in the movie any scientific accuracy would’ve really dulled the inanity of it.
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We couldn’t get through Solaris, the 1972 Russian sci fi film.
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Being a fan of MST3K, I’ve witnessed many bad movies. Manos:Hands of Fate, as mentioned by billinmpls tops the list but is watchable because of the trio of critics.
My selection is The Happening. Toxic trees are causing mass suicide in Northeast USA. The film cannot figure out what it wants to be, serious or parody. The title is prescient of how bad this movie is. Is this going to be a hippie disaster flick? Mark Wahlberg miscast as a high school biology teacher who talks and acts like a “high school football coach forced into teaching a sex ed class “The Wahlberg School of Acting features a wrinkled brow. Zooey Deschanel, as his wife, cast because of having unusually lovely eyes. By the time all the characters had died off, I was hoping for painful deaths for Mark and Zooey. But the plague disappeared at the last moment. Amazingly, the film made a ton of money.
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Oh, it does look DREADFUL! You’ve gotta wonder – why would someone make that film – why do they think anyone would want to watch that?
We’ve watched so few movies the past couple of decades nothing is coming to mind. Back later… I’m sure something will surface.
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And who in heavens would be willing to bankroll two more movies after that? I can understand being duped into coughing up cash for the first one but after seeing it?????
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I have seen a few dreadful cheesy movies (can’t think of titles at this moment) but there are two movies I really disliked. One is “Get Shorty” with John Revolta….I mean Travolta. And even though “Magnolia” (from 1999) is considered by many to be a masterpiece, I found it extremely hard to watch due to the despicable characters. And when it started raining frogs, I nearly walked out. ICK!
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I kinda like ‘Get Shorty’, just caught part of it on TV a few weeks ago. It makes me laugh.
And I remember Magnolia, we even have the DVD… but haven’t watched it in a long long time. But I think I liked it’s dark or quirky humor.
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I’ve never actually seen Get Shorty. But any clips I’ve ever seen or any comments or any other meme that has gone viral hasn’t convinced me that I want to see it.
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I call him John Revolta too.
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Plan 9 From Outerspace was pretty weird.
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Plan 9 is nothing compared to some of the real stinkers out there!
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I’d forgotten about Plan 9 — it was really weird.
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Saw Ed Wood when it came out …the other day, thirty years ago.
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Rise and Shine, Baboons,
I found Waterworld to be unwatchable. Jean Tripplehorn was outfitted in tight, end-of-the-world “tattered” clothing that the costuming department should have viewed in utter shame. Kevin Costner got to wear clothing that made more sense.
Then there is the famous “Martian Christmas” not the name, but I cannot remember the correct name, but there are other baboons who have seen this one. My favorite part it the funnel, duct taped and painted, on the head of a main character.
I find the term “Velocipastor” to be very funny. I am sure I have known that guy—the super aggressive “Christian” who eats his flock alive.
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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. I watch it once a year during the holidays.
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“Santa Claus vs. the Martians” is fun, but I prefer the dubbed Mexican “Santa Claus” movie that was also riffed by MST3K. Santa lives in a castle in space above the North Pole with Merlin the Wizard, creepy mechanical reindeer, and a passel of child workers who are all ethnic stereotypes (no elves or Mrs. Claus). He and a minor devil named Pitch battle for the souls of several children on Earth, Pitch tempting the kids to do things like steal a doll or break windows, and Santa foiling his enemy (Pitch also tries to sabotage Santa’s present-delivering). It’s actually more surreal than it sounds!
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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, that is.
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I’ve seen this weird one as well with the little children workers. Very very strange.
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I am a big fan of MST3K (Joel/Dr. Forrester/TV’s Frank are my OT3!) and Svengoolie. “Manos: Hands of Fate” is one of my favorites; I think I’ve seen it 4 times, even once without Joel and the bots. The worst movie I’ve seen is probably “Birdemic”–the CG birds spiral around and fly upside down!–but there are so many movies that are so bad for so many reasons, it’s hard to choose just one. Anything directed by Coleman Francis is guaranteed to sap your will to live. I have heard that Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room” is a top contender for worst movie of all time, but I didn’t have the intestinal resilience to see it when it was showing in Uptown, and oddly enough I haven’t gone in search of it since…
As for why, watching bad movies is kind of the intellectual equivalent of eating a fistful of ghost peppers–there’s a weird kind of machismo in viewing the worst that can be done to an innocent reel of film and coming out laughing. There’s also the horrified fascination of watching a slow (sometimes verrrrrrry slow) motion train wreck, or the nauseating fascination of seeing someone’s Id unselfconsciously on display, which is also the appeal of really bad fanfiction and a certain segment of Art Brut/Outsider Art. Then there’s the reluctant affection one sometimes feels for the incompetent ripoffs of successful movies or genres, none of which should have been saved from the wet bar napkins the “concepts” were scribbled on, and yet people not only had the moxie to try to make them, some other people, presumably in compos mentis, coughed up the money to do it! Other people even let their real names appear in the credits! Inconceivable, and yet, the film spools.
Either that, or I’m just another Gen-X victim of popular culture…
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I can’t stand the movies made for kids that are just fart jokes and as many bad plot holes as yours. There are some about puppies that even our daughter only watched once.
‘Tank Girl’ is pretty bad.
I joke about staying up too late watching bad TV. But I won’t watch anything *that* stupid. 🙂
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OT-Daughter”s plane just landed at our airport!!
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ALL RIGHT! See you after the weekend…
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SUPER! Hope you have a wonderful visit.
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i’ve always considered a blessing that I can’t really remember movie storylines or the progression of plot lines and I get frustrated with my wife and she tells me what’s going to happen next and I tell her don’t be telling me spoilers and she informed me have seen the movie 10 times before and certainly I remember. I do not so needless to say if I don’t remember good movies that I really enjoy I am fortunate that I don’t remember bad movies maybe if you told me the name of the movie and the plot line I can see you should know I remember, but I can’t pull one out of the air at all
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Tim, it is nice to have you back more often. I am anticipating a poem soon? You used to whip them off with ease.
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That’s really interesting, tim. I thought that was an affliction that was unique to me. I’m not very good at remembering movies. With regard to the bad ones, I suppose it’s a blessing. This is the case with novels, too. I’ll remember specific things, but not details of plots or story lines about books. This poem by Bill Collins sums it up nicely:
Forgetfulness
By Billy Collins
The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of,
as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.
Long ago you kissed the names of the nine muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,
something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.
Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue
or even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.
It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.
No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.
Billy Collins, “Forgetfulness” from Questions About Angels. Copyright © 1999 by Billy Collins. Reprinted with the permission of University of Pittsburgh Press.
Source: Questions About Angels (University of Pittsburgh Press, 1999)
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One of my favorites of his.
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Wonderful
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OT – Just did the NYT – Wordle for 3/25. My first guess had all five letters correct, but not a single one in the right place. Fixed that in my second guess. That’s a first for me, other than the one where I guessed the correct word on my first guess; that’s not likely to happen again anytime soon. Off to bed. See ya in the morning.
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https://wheretakenusa.teuteuf.fr/
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It would have been nice with some instructions.
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True.
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There is another for photos from around the world.
Start by guessing a country by name. If you’re incorrect, a directional arrow will appear with kilometers for distance. After that, it’s pretty clear how to proceed.
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This movie has everything: action, romance, comedy, drama, and dinosaurs. It’s brilliant. jk.. How did you manage to sit through this movie? I couldn’t even finish the trailer.
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