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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

Last night I went to a job interview and boy, was I surprised.  There were about sixteen other people there – and all of them were candidates for the very same job I wanted!

I’ve never done well in mass interviews under hot lights. I’m much more comfortable when all the attention is on me, and last night was no exception.

There were “gotcha” questions galore and the job seekers were spreading the nonsense pretty thick, using non-sequiturs to give non-detailed non-answers.

I, of course, told the complete and totally true truth every time a question came my way. But overall I was kind of embarrassed to be there.  And I think some of the others were feeling embarrassed too.  At least I saw embarrassment in their eyes whenever they looked in my direction.

And all of this was for a position that they’re not going to fill until more than a year from now.  Like I can wait that long to have paying work! Even though I’m incredibly, unbelievably rich, I’ve got a whole lot invested in the idea that I work really hard and anyone with half a brain would hire me in an instant.

But will anyone hire me 13 1/2 months from now? Hard to know.

Still, I really, really, really want this job.

Dr. Babooner, should I keep trying to win over the hiring committee, or cut and run?

On the border fence about it,
DT

I told DT he (she?) should stop worrying his pretty little head over what might happen and keep chasing the job. Speak out loudly and often, I say. Don’t hold anything back – tell us every thought you have, every time you have one, as soon as it occurs to you. Really, why would you live any other way?

But that’s just ONE opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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Free-Range Kaleidoscope

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Today’s post comes from Clyde.

ThomasMy last guest blog was rather drab, don’t you think? Those photos of foggy Lake Superior were nearly monochromatic.

Beer Guy

However, we did have our moments of color tucked in here and there in our ten days of family celebration and travel. Sometimes, delightfully, in unexpected places.  For instance there was Thomas, when we did not even know he was in town.  And our local ballpark beer guy, who leads the crowd in his own cheer. Yes, the ball park is so small that it has only one beer guy.

 

And many more.

What is your color palette? 

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Rules People

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Today’s post comes from Bart, the Bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

H’lo, Bart here.

So the Ranger on this trail thinks he’s going to take some time off?

That’s OK. I like it when the rules people decide to give it a rest, and that’s what a Ranger is to me.  One of the rules people. Ugh.

Us bears have rules too, but not written.

Bears make it their own business to let another bear know when a line has been crossed. That’s not a job somebody else can do, ’cause one day the line might be in a different place than some other day.

On the parks and trails us bears get to know the different Rangers – their habits and how hard they want to work. The best ones take it easy, but there are a lot of hard cases out there. How close the local Ranger follows the book is the single biggest thing that shapes a bear’s territory.

Yup, you heard that right.

It’s not nature, it’s the Ranger. If he (or she) is a prissy, particular, hard-nosed stickler for the Letter of the Law, no bear will call that ground home.

It’s not ’cause bears are natural beasts that don’t like to be bossed, even though that’s true. It’s not that we can’t stand up to some tin-badge authority figure, ’cause we can! And it’s sure not because we’re afraid of the tranquilizer dart. I love the dart the way campers love beer. The world gets all spinny, and then a bunch of gentle  hands come to lift you up, and then you get a ride in a truck!

Travel expands the mind!

No, the reason us bears steer clear of rules-lovers is that most rules run against our interests.  And every rules person plays favorites – usually they aren’t interested in following ALL the rules equally.

But there’s this ONE rule they all seem to like just fine and they follow it to the letter, and wouldn’t you know it’s the one we hate the most.

Don’t feed the bears!

I don’t know about you, but my favorite kind of trail has no Ranger.

Your woodland pal,
Bart

If you could suspend one rule, which one would it be?

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Recruitment Tool

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Baboons – this post launched early yesterday, and some have already commented.  Feel free to add to the conversation – already underway.

Today’s post comes from Captain Billy of the Clipper Muskellunge.

Ahoy, Landlubbers!

Me an’ me boys is delighted t’ hear of th’ popularity of th’ new disaster film San Andreas, on account of th’ fact that it is bound t’ cause landlubbers such as yerselves t’ freak out about dry ground an’ be more open than ever t’ the prospect of switchin’ t’ a life lived on th’ open sea.

That’s right, us pirates almost never worries ’bout earthquakes, since terra infirma is usually quite a piece distant from our location – either far below us or outta sight beyond th’ Earth’s curve.

Them images you see of collapsin’ skyscrapers an’ tsunami waves towerin’ over cruise vessels an’ the like is somethin’ what only happens close t’ shore, an’ we ain’t never close t’ shore fer long on account of various arrest warrants, Coast Guard facilities, an’ heavily armed civilians wi’ a minimum amount of firearms training.

But me boys does love watchin’ that San Andreas trailer, ain’t that right boys?

A long time before this here movie came out, us pirates saw th’ danger what always lies near land. Out where we spends our time, earthquakes is hardly a concern, an’ when they happens, they sounds more or less like the grumblin’ of a large submerged stomach an that’s about it.

Although sometimes that sound is a real stomach, fer sure. Several dozens of ’em, filled wi’ grog, t’ be exact. On Sunday mornin in particular.

An on occasion th’ Saturday night roughousin’ above decks gets things tippy enough t’ resemble an openin’ of a fissure in th’ Earth’s crust.

An’ I admits that random folks does go flyin’ overboard sometimes in a manner not entirely unlike th’ way them dispensable movie characters frequently tumbles into steamin’ chasms that opens up underfoot.

But that’s all in good fun, mostly. Except fer when it ain’t.

But anyone watchin’ earthquake disaster flicks an wonderin’ where safety lay – th’ answer is simple. Look t’ that yonder ragged dot on th’ horizon. An consider joinin’ us!

Yer carefree Capt’n,
Billy

Ever been in an earthquake?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m just as upset as I can be at the thought that my government continues to collect raw data about my phone calls without my permission, and just between you and me I want it to stop immediately.

Some say most Americans don’t understand the difference between tracking metadata around phone calls and “listening in” to what is said in the conversations.

They say I’m confused over this issue. In the parlance of today’s youth, they call me “all messed up.”

But how would they know how “messed up” I am unless they were listening to my phone calls?

That’s where you’d find sure evidence – the wrong numbers I dial, the incoherent messages I leave, my pointless rants, my misdirected anger, my smothering over-involvement in other people’s lives, and my creepy drunken midnight calls that dissolve into soft whispers and sobbing.

So oh yes, I’m sure they’re listening.

If they don’t stop collecting this data soon, they should at least have a relationship expert or a voice analyst listen very closely to that short conversation I had last Thursday with Carol. I think she still has feelings for me, not because of anything she said, but more in the tone of her voice.

Why won’t the NSA confirm it? I know they have the technology!

Tormentedly,
B. Reft

I told B. Reft he is a good citizen for caring so passionately about this surveillance issue, but he should stop drawing conclusions from scanning the headlines only and take the extra time to read the entire article. And anyone who needs the help of an NSA voice analyst to keep love alive would be better off looking for a new relationship.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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The Rig Apple

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This alarmingly intimate sales letter arrived the other day from Wally, of Wally’s Intimida,   home of the Sherpa – the world’s biggest SUV.

My Dear Dream Customer,

I’m grateful for your business even though you’ve never bought anything from me!

Why?

Because I had a dream that you did!  And I believe in dreams because all salesmen are crazy optimists.  And that same crazy optimism  has me feeling very “up” about the car biz right now!

It’s no secret that all the world’s giant tech and communications companies are looking for the Next  Big Thing  – that “must have it” device or app or piece of software.

Well, it’s starting to look like the Next Big Thing is a Big Old Thing – the automobile!  Because one of Apple’s bigwigs said the other day that his company views the car as an ‘ultimate mobile device’.  

Small thinkers took that to mean Apple is going to develop a bunch of gizmos to go in the dashboard, but I immediately saw it as something bigger.

Yes!  iHere iComes the iRide!

In my dream, we were standing together in a vast parking lot.  I wore an iWatch, but the iRide wore you!

When you strapped yourself into it, the iRide had already guessed where you were going because it checked the time of day against its extensive records of everywhere you’d ever gone before.

You were headed to work, but when you got to work, you didn’t have to get out to work because the iRide  already had all the trappings of your office built into it!

And yes, it was a massive vehicle.  A Very Familiar and Famously Massive Vehicle.

I’m not saying I know for sure that the Apple designers are building their automotive masterpiece on the Intimida Sherpa platform, but I will say this – if I knew they were doing it, I wouldn’t be able to say!

Unless it was just a dream.  Draw your own conclusions.

One thing is surely for sure – if Apple built a car,  you would not be able to afford it.  Which is why there’s no better time to buy a new Sherpa from Wally’s Intimida.  Because a primal version of The Next Big Thing might only be within reach as The Right Now Big Thing!

Yes, you could own one tomorrow.  Think about it, but not too much.  Dreams come true for those who act!

The Sherpa – it’s a mighty big, mighty sleek, sophisticated, smart, intuitive, trendy, iconic, game-changing car!

Thanks for being in my dream!

Wally

I do think Wally’s desperation shows through here.  All the retail excitement these days is around electronic contraptions, and those enormous SUV’s like the Sherpa are no longer riding a sales bump from cheaper gas.  Long gone are the days when customers looked to the introduction of a new automotive model year with the same level of anticipation the bring to the unveiling of the latest iPhone.  

But it’s nice to have a dream. 

 When have you rushed to buy a newly introduced product?

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The “Safe Fun” Paradox

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Header image by Manuel QC via Creative Commons

Today’s post comes from obsessive risk management enthusiast Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease civillians!

But as you take your ease on this Memorial Day, you MUST remember to stay alert to all safety risks that come with holiday fun.  

Personally, I’m against holidays for this very reason!  The very word “holiday” carries an expectation that the day will include some kind of unique, ecstatic experience.

This is exactly the sort of thing that can get you in trouble, safety-wise.  That’s why I’m much more comfortable with days “on”  rather than days “off”.

Boring?  Sure!  So?

The soul-killing drudgery of day-to-day work is great for depleting energy that might otherwise send you spinning off into activities that are questionable and possibly dangerous.

Firecrackers, speed boats, canoes, frisbees,  ATV’s, softballs, bats, fishing hooks, volleyball nets and water skis are just a few of the expected summer holiday accessories that I find alarming.

Beyond that, I question all the assumptions made around the holiday tradition of “grilling”.

The idea that a man who only cooks two meals a year will suddenly be able to prepare massive quantities of thoroughly cooked food over an open flame strikes me as questionable.

That he will be able to handle all that meat safely and cook it properly while drinking a succession of beers is, in a word, preposterous!

Beer and flames do not go together.  Ever!

I don’t know what Memorial Day plans you have made, but  staying on dry land, properly belted, with ample head protection, and eating in state-inspected establishments using properly maintained and not-too-sharp utensils sounds like great fun to me!

Safely & Securely,
B.S.O.R.

What are YOUR holiday plans?

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Back Seat Games Set To Move Forward

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Today’s post comes from marketing whiz Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

Wow!

I’m just back from a 9 day car trip through Iowa, Wisconsin, Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee and Illinois, and boy, is my butt tired!

There are some big states on that list, and it takes a lot of sitting to get through them. Good thing meetings are my business, because my hindquarters were already road-ready before I left!

Along the way, I had lots of time to think about the coming transportation revolution, when autonomous cars will do most or all of the driving for us. Different states will write different laws to govern this, but my guess is that in most places our job as the “driver” will have some very basic elements:

  • Don’t be drunk
  • Don’t be asleep

Mostly, summer road trips of the future will expand the boredom of the back seat to the entire car, since your only real job will be to sit and watch the scenery go by.

Are there marketing opportunities there? You bet!

When we kicked this around at The Meeting That Never Ends, everybody agreed that backseat car games are due for a renaissance.

In the self-driving car future, everybody will be able to give all their attention to classics like 20 Questions, I Spy, and License Plate Poker.

But once the “driver” is able to swivel her seat and face the backseat passengers as the car picks its own way through road construction around Wisconsin Dells, we predict there will be a whole slew of new games the group can play, including card games and board games.

All we have to do is figure out what the breakaway hit will be in the realm of Whole Family Backseat Car Games, design it, own it, and then wait for technology to catch up.

Any ideas?  

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Billionaire Donors Wanted

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents, but especially the rich ones!

I’m writing today to tell all billionaires whose fabulous homes border my district (lake shore property is expensive!)  that I am available and willing to talk with them privately about any issue they feel is important enough to possibly merit a sizable contribution .

I’m not saying that I will change my position to entice  mega-donors, but on many of the topics that matter most to the super-rich, I’m still formulating my opinions.   I’d love to hear more about what influential people have to say , and as the Supreme Court has already reminded us,  money is speech!  So speak to me, already!  I can’t wait to hear your voices mingling with the rustling of your cash as you rush forward to press more of it into my hands!

Although actual contributions will only happen if we already agree on the major policies of the day. I am a highly principled public servant and a man of the people.  But like most human beings I feel more agreeable around vast sums of money.

And for my less-well-off constituents, a side note.  Don’t be overly concerned that I am groveling before and buttering up these super-rich donors.

Yes, just like you, I like piles of money.  I like them in the same way anglers love big, fat walleye.  I’m always hopeful that I’ll land one, but I’m not going to let my lust for reeling one in  drag me into the lake.  

And if you’re concerned that I’ve said too much and now the ultra-rich will know that I only see them as fish – bless you for caring but worry not!

Mega-donors don’t read fundraising letters.
Mini-donors don’t read fundraising letters.
Truly, nobody reads fundraising letters.

Everyone has stopped by the 301st word, which is this one.

At any rate, the sort of supporter I’m seeking has already handed this off to a minion, who (hopefully!) has used the information on the masthead to schedule a private conversation.  Because the super-rich don’t contribute to political campaigns based on the sort of words that just anyone can hear. They base their support on the private things I say that can’t be traced, quoted or repeated!

And what are those things?  Political blah-blah-blah, and probably nothing you would find too memorable.  Honestly, even I can’t recall.  But I assure you that if I ever compared someone a big, fat Walleye, I would consider that a total compliment!

Your Completely Honest Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

When money talks, do you listen?

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Dream Job Finally Emerges

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden of Wendell Willkie High School

Hey Mr. C.,

Just when I was starting to feel discouraged about finding work that matches the skills I’ve built up through years of ignoring my teachers and spending homework time playing video games, NASA has come up with a great idea that would suit me perfectly.

Here’s the job description:

You ride around in the International Space Station and use a laser cannon to shoot down space debris.  

Lots of little bits of rockets and satellite pieces and stuff are zipping around in low orbit at incredibly fast speeds,  posing a terrible danger to astronauts and other space missions.   Somebody with a sharp eye and quick reflexes has to go up there and save space for the explorers by knocking those harmful nuggets back into the atmosphere where they can burn up.

That could be a real job?  Are you kidding me?  Where do I sign up?  And please, please, please don’t say you have to be good at math to qualify for this.

That would be a horrible bummer if only the “smart” kids could qualify.   What do they know about shooting down space chunks?  They were busy studying their algebra while I was gaining useful eye-hand coordination experience playing asteroids.

Yes, I’ve been an aimless teenager that long!

Would you be a reference for me on my job application?  If anyone could testify that I’ve put in all the needed idle hours to be a good space debris field potshot specialist, it would be you!

And to tell the truth, everybody else I know is going to apply for this job, so the only one left to be a reference is you! Honest, I won’t forget it if you put in a good word for me.  Please?!

Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby I would be happy to serve as a reference as long as he understands I would be honor bound to tell any prospective employer that he is certainly NOT a good student. But if the job requires this, I can testify that he is most definitely energetic and enthusiastic about using a space cannon.

Have you ever refused someone’s request to serve as a reference?