Category Archives: Uncategorized

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The “You” in Menu

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Header Image: “Culex sp larvae” by (Image: James Gathany, CDC)  Licensed under CC BY 2.5 via Wikimedia Commons.

Today’s post comes from marketing maven Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

One of the top restaurant marketing trends of 2015 is locally sourced, organic foods.

If it’s local, people are fascinated. Why? Because a lot of them have no idea food can be grown nearby. That all connects to the concept of going “out” for dinner, which the baby boomers learned to think of as an exotic treat when they were growing up in the hardscrabble 1940’s and ’50’s.

“Out” was always a better place to get a meal than at boring old “in”, where mom was likely to serve up the same gray meatloaf or chicken hotdish again tonight.

“Out” might bring you an exotic choice like chicken wings, or at least the chance to have a milk shake with your meal.  The chances of that went way up if dad ordered a beer.

The message to impressionable youngsters of that era – the farther “out” you went, the better the meal.

But yesterday as we were going over the latest science stories at The Meeting That Never Ends we saw this bit of research about how mosquitoes choose who they’ll bite.  The clear indication is that the little pointy-nosed critters are lured by something genetic that is shared among families!

The assumption here is that it’s a fundamental element of body odor.   Identical twins were found to be equally attractive to the tiny bloodsuckers of summer.

A couple of great marketing ideas quickly came out of this.

My favorite – identify particularly scrumptious bloodlines and present them as “decoy guests” for hire at high-buck summertime parties. If we know mosquitoes love those Johnsons, or just can’t get enough of the Herrera sisters, hire them to draw the swarms away from the more important invitees.

The downside?

Having to segregate the bait people from the rest, and possible lawsuits over West Nile Virus.

But then we realized something else – if we completely disregard the scientific method and turn this research on its head, it could be an early indication that the reverse is true and people also have genetic predispositions to like certain foods!

For restaurateurs, that means there is this tantalizing future scenario – when guests arrive they check in at the hostess stand and are given a quick DNA test to determine their pre-ordained dining tendencies.

That person then receives a menu tailored to their genetic food preference profile! Imagine – a restaurant that could hand you a menu where you’ll like absolutely EVERYTHING!

Would you go there?

Of course you would, as long as your family doesn’t also have an inherent fussiness over things like genetic privacy.

Our bet is that most people will be perfectly fine with it, and the establishment could also work some side agreements with marketing firms to get a secondary income on the data!

Yes, we realize that people get particularly overwrought about misuse of personal information. But for the most part, when our data is harvested we don’t even know about it, so the pain is nearly invisible.

The only obvious downside we see for consumers in this would be a tendency for restaurants with outdoor seating to put especially tasty people in a separate area, to draw away the attention of any needle-nosed intruders!

Yours in Marketing,
Spin

Do you come from an especially flavorful family?

Uncategorized

Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m not a bad person, but I’ve had trouble in my life that has everything to do with the inappropriate places where my arms, and to be more exact, my hands, wind up.

I won’t go into too much detail here, but it has been brought to the attention of law enforcement by several people (shopkeepers, women I’ve known, and women I haven’t known), that my mitts tend to violate certain legal and ethical boundaries.

Usually I say something like “I didn’t realize I was doing it.  That hand has a mind of its own!”

And usually that explanation is rejected as just so much bunk.

But now, there’s scientific evidence that the octopus has smart arms that really do work independently of the central brain!

Dr. Babooner, this news gives me hope.  If mind-of-their-own appendages can be a real thing for hideous deep-sea creatures, isn’t there a possibility that I suffer from the same condition?

I’d like to start an emotional support group for people with Octo-digititis, a term I just made up to describe those whose fingers are autonomous and unprincipled.  I know this might be a tough sell, but if you were to sign on as an adviser, it might give us the heft we need to be taken seriously as an afflicted community.

Would you consider it?  Name your price.  Given enough time and the opportunity, I’m pretty sure I could get my hands on whatever it takes to convince you to join our cause.

Confidentially,
Groper Lightfingers

I told ” Groper Lightfingers” that Dr. Babooner does not lend her “heft” to any cause, especially not one which is simply a glorified excuse for poor behavior. Blaming the newly revealed mechanics of octopus locomotion for your trouble is an insult to cephalopods everywhere. Octopi are social creatures with “smart” arms, while your out-of-control extremities are clearly anti-social and exceedingly dumb.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Uncategorized

Kids vs. Dogs

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Today’s post comes from Trail Baboon’s Living and Loving Correspondent B. Marty Barry.   He’s a bottomless well of wellness!

Yes, it’s my life’s work to be there for people when they need to talk.

And once we get past the preliminaries and start to explore hidden areas that are truly and deeply painful, my clients will ask me why their children are not as sociable as their dogs.

There is a great deal of guilt and anguish here, because people just naturally feel responsible for how their kids turn out.  They believe that it should be more pleasant to hang out with Timmy or Susie than it is to spend the afternoon sitting by the fire with Sparky.

After all, children have the ability to speak an understandable language and hold conversations.  They can tell stories and jokes.  They’ve got  the higher brain functions to enjoy and create art.  There are all sorts of enjoyable pastimes that are family-friendly.

Meanwhile, dogs shed, have bad breath, and poop in the yard.

It should be no contest!

My clients feel terrible about preferring their dogs to their kids.  When I ask them to tell me more, I usually hear that the children are sullen and self-absorbed.  They barely speak and only interact with their electronic devices.  And they almost never make eye contact with another person, especially not their parents.

The dogs, on the other hand, are enthusiastic and playful, unless you’ don’t want to play.  If that’s the case, then they’re patient and attentive, but quiet.  And eye contact is a canine specialty – they do it constantly, with intensity and love.   Unless you’re holding a treat, in which case they watch you with joy and anticipation.  But dogs are always totally OK with whatever you want to do.

Once I get them talking along these lines, people eventually realize they are unfairly judging the children because no human can compete with a good dog for sociability.

I always take note of the children’s names.  Someday they may need to talk deeply about how they resented Brandy’s easygoing relationship with mom and dad.

And now academia has decided to address dog cognition.  Look at these programs!

What this means is that now those same sullen, uncommunicative children who were less engaging than Fido can someday leave home, go off to school, and run up $300,000 in college debt watching  a dog, which is basically the same thing you did, for free, while they were away.

But if this scientific research bears fruit and we are better able to understand the level of awareness of dogs, maybe it will open up a whole new range of opportunities for people like me.  Getting dogs to talk would be a world-changer.  After all, I can only guess the emotional toll it takes on old Buster to know that he is, and always will be, the favored child.   

Who was your parents’ favorite? 

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A Focus on Faces

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Today’s post comes from Bubby Spamden, a perennial sophomore at Wendell Willkie High School.

Hey Mr. C.,

Now that it’s spring and all, people at Willkie have really started to talk seriously about what jobs they want to have when they’re all graduated from school.

This is the thing that our parents keep telling us we should think about all the time, but they must not remember being fifteen at all because there is so much more to worry about – really important stuff like “was Ashley looking at me this morning over the top of her book?” and “do I have something gross stuck to my face?”

Anyway, there are lots of people who want to be movie stars and rock stars and sports stars, like that’s really a thing you can be. And then there are the more practical ones, who say they want to be accountants and engineers and software coders.

But I saw something the other day that I thought would be a really cool job and I totally didn’t know anybody could do this – I want to be a face researcher so I can spend my time thinking about really important questions like why do we have chins?

I didn’t carefully read the article where I saw this because it was so long! (I want to spend my time looking at faces, not fighting my way through all those words, words, words!) But I think I get the basics.

Humans have chins because evolution is making our faces shrink!

Wow!  Yes! It turns out our chins are slower to change than the rest of our heads when it comes to right-sizing, evolution-style. That’s weird!

So I want to find a University somewhere that has a major in Body Part Studies.

I think that would be incredibly cool because that’s sort of what everybody does in college anyway, but I’d be getting credit for it! And we’ll need more trained body part experts, because everything is changing.

I figure evolution is going to keep doing its thing. So the human face of the future will probably have even less chin, and this will mean huge changes in everything, especially in professional sports like horse racing and the NFL where they have to use chin straps to keep their hats on.

Enter me, the Highly Esteemed Face Researcher!

As America’s top face scholar, I’ll have plenty of work to do, giving my opinion about faces of all kinds!  I’d love to do the American version of a contest they had in Britain a few years ago to find the Most Beautiful Face.  Florence Colgate, call me!

And if my focus on the face doesn’t pan out, I’ll just shift my research to another body part that’s getting more attention.

I hear booties are big, but not big enough!

Your pal,
Bubby

Even though I’m extremely reluctant to discourage the dreams of the young, I told Bubby I’m skeptical that he’ll be able to assemble the right credentials to ascend to the post of America’s Leading Face Researcher. After all, it’s hard to become recognized as an expert in anything when every other person already thinks they’re an expert in the same field.

Kind of like being a writer in Hollywood.

But at least he’s showing a hunger for knowledge, as long as it doesn’t require too much reading.

In what area would you like to gain some expertise?

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The Carrot That Is Not A Carrot

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Getting humans into space has been a long, complicated process. Not everyone is able or willing to go, and the costs are formidable.

We found this out after going back and forth from the moon a few times. Because getting off the planet is such a pain, there has to be a clear reason to go, and some irresistible kind of incentive.

In case you thought it was heroism, post-launch fame is no longer guaranteed. All sorts of different nobodies have been to the International Space Station.

A series of helmeted government employees have been sent but we paid them to do it. Years ago a succession of dogs and monkeys were launched with mixed results. I think it’s fair to say all the animals and some of the people were happier and better off on the surface of the Earth.

California in 1849 had a golden magnet. But what force will lure humankind to the stars?

Enter a group of young Swedes with a wonderful idea – let’s send donuts.

The Homer Simpson in me is already looking skyward, hungrily.

Which kind is the most attractive & delicious doughnut?

Uncategorized

Are You A Good Driver?

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Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty, a public official obsessed with everyday hazards and  minimizing risk.

At ease civilians!

Be at ease, but always be aware of your surroundings, because most things that are called “accidents” are anything but accidental!

I learned that saying back when I was studying for my BSIC (Bathtub Safety Inspection Certificate).

The bathroom is the single room in any house that is most prone to be the site of injury and distress, and as a licensed inspector I had to learn all the different ways there are to fall in a tub.

Most of them involve soap, and soap is not an autonomous actor in bathtub-injury scenarios.  By that I mean soap does not introduce itself into events – it is introduced by someone – usually a party to the action.

I learned that when questioning participants in any bathtub-injury-incident, the whereabouts and disposition of the soap is absolutely key to assigning liability.

Yes, liability.

We were trained to view this statement, “I slipped and fell in the tub, it was an accident,” as the beginning of an investigation, not the end.

That’s why I was alarmed to read several mainstream press accounts of yesterday’s publication in the journal “Nature” of studies examining an ancient collision in space that led to the formation of our moon.

It seems that a proto-planet named Theia collided with our still-forming Earth, and the debris from that impact, rather than just lying around in the intersection and the road ditches as it does in modern-day car crashes, congealed to shape the orb we know as The Moon.

The scientific studies computer-modeled many scenarios to figure out how two lumps of similarly  composed planet-stuff might run into one another.

But nowhere in any of the articles did I see any consideration of which proto-planet was to blame!  It is JUST ACCEPTED that they crashed.  End of story.  Don’t ask questions.

But I say NO!  Questions must be asked and blame must be assigned!

  • Were they headed in the same direction when one planet collided with the other from behind?
  • Was one planet trying to make a left turn and happened to  misjudge the speed of the oncoming sphere?
  • Was a planet trying to get across a busy orbit without looking both ways?

“Water under the bridge,” you might say.  Or “It happened hundreds of millions of years ago – who cares?”

But in taking that attitude, we automatically absolve the parties, shrug,  and accept that it can happen again.

That may be a comfortable place for you, but I, for one, am not ready to re-live (for the first time), the cataclysmic collision of sister planets.

Blame must be assigned!

Yours in safety,
B.S.O.R.

Are you a good driver?

Uncategorized

Lost at Sea!

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Today’s post comes from Captain Billy, skipper of the pirate ship Muskellunge.

Ahoy, Landlubbers!

Me and me boys is havin’ a great laugh today over th’ story of th’ novice sailor Louis Jordan, who was lost at sea fer more than two months before bein’ found last week somehow in better shape than when he went out.

Jordan says he captured rain water, stayed out of th’ sun an’ th’ wind as much as he could, an’ caught an’ ate raw fish after his food supplies was exhausted.

He was a bit of a heavy fella when he went out at about 290 pounds. Two months later he was closer to 200, lookin’ fit an’ pleased, which is no surprise. His haters says he’s a lyin’ scoundrel what is just tryin’ t’ get famous an sell books ’bout his ordeal.  Or t’ promote a diet plan what involves bein’ marooned on a vessel fer 9 weeks! Drop 10 pounds per week, guaranteed!

Me an’ be boys don’t doubt a word of it on account of our previous experience with a sailor we knew as Sensitive Stu. He was exactly like Mr. Jordan, a seafarer what stayed in his bunk th’ entire time he was with us. Th’ only time he ventured above decks was in th’ moonlight on nights when there warn’t too much wind.

Stu said his skin was “too tender” t’ be exposed t’ th’ harsh environment, an he marveled that th’ rest of us was above decks workin’ most o’ th’ time.

Naturally we was also amazed, so we put Sensitive Stu overboard in a dinghy at th’ very first opportunity an’ set him adrift with just a tarp, a bucket an’ a fish hook, confident that he would perish.

Six weeks later our paths crossed again an’ we found him as chipper as ever, havin’ stayed under the tarp by day, an’ caught rainwater in th’ bucket an’ fish wi’ th’ hook at night. An his skin looked marvelous, which as a pirate is a word I finds difficult t’ say.

But there was no other way t’ describe it.

Th’ episode caused a bit of trouble on board th’ Muskellunge, as several of me boys immediately took t’ their bunks hopin’ t’ become as relaxed an’ healthy lookin’ as Stu. But it was short lived when they realized it also meant there would be no more grog in their rations.

But our hats is off t’ Louis Jordan. An then our hats is quickly back on again, in order t’ protect our scalps from th’ sun.

Yer commander,
Capt. Billy

What do you do to protect your skin from the elements?

Science, The Future, Travel, Uncategorized

Don’t Let The Stars Get in Your Eyes

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It should be obvious by now that I’m fascinated by outer space, a place I’ve seen on TV but will probably never visit. If I did get a chance to leave the atmosphere, I would want a window seat and would spend most of my time looking back at the place I’d just come from.

From what I’ve seen on the printed page and the flat screen, all views of Earth from orbit are enthralling. Even the ones that don’t allow me to say “Hey, there’s my house!”

I don’t know how long it would take for the scenery to become ordinary or (heavens forbid!), boring. Maybe that’s not possible, but there’s a chance we’re going to find out now that a couple of guys have been sent to the International Space Station to stay for a year.

Scott Kelly and Mikhail Kornienko will help answer a boatload of questions during their odyssey.

The one that caught my eye (literally) is this one – quoted from the BBC article linked above:

“However, there are other problems that doctors still need to study and understand. They have poor data on the effects on immune function, for example, and there is considerable concern about the damage spaceflight causes to the eyes. This is a newly recognised phenomenon, and appears to be related to the way fluid is redistributed in a weightless body.

Pressure is seen to build in the skull and on the optic nerve, and a large number of astronauts return to Earth complaining that their vision is not as good as when they went up.”

So in other words, space is beautiful, but the longer you stay, the less you’re going to see.  If diminished vision is part of the deal you have to cut to experience the stunning visuals of long-term space flight, is it worth the price?

When have you agonized over a trade-off?

Uncategorized

Ice Out = Nice Out

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Today’s post is a press release from the office of Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Today, Minnesota Congressman Loomis Beechly, ?-MN, congratulated all Minnesota lakes and lake-area-residents on achieving a remarkably early ice-out status for 2015.

“Our ice-out performance this year is a huge improvement over the previous two years, when it seemed like the dang ice hung around pretty much forever,” Beechly said in a prepared statement.  “We were still worried about icebergs on the Fourth of July in 2014, so this year we’re all completely delighted that every Minnesota lake is ready for warm weather activities to begin almost a full week before April 1st!”

Beechly’s announcement is a key part of a larger marketing strategy launched by the Congressman with the aim of unifying what has been a haphazard tradition of uncoordinated ice outs happening across the state.

“In the past, every local official and municipal hoo-hah has had some say in when a particular town or village declares that the local lake has achieved ice-out,” Beechly explained.  “For some, it’s when an old junker they towed out there in January finally falls through the crust.  For others, it’s when you can see mostly water out there.  But for the most stubborn ones, every last bit of ice has to be gone before they’ll declare it.”

Beechly says this approach means the state sends a mixed marketing message to the rest of the world.

“In early June, a visitor from Texas consulting the DNR’s statewide ice-out map cannot be sure which kind of skis to bring to a Minnesota lake. By declaring ice-out statewide right now, I’m using the authority of my office to jump past the chaos being written into our story by well-meaning people who happen to have different feelings about the desirability of ice.”

In response to critics who complain that the Congressman is being “bullheaded” and “willfully ignorant” regarding actual environmental conditions outside his office, Mr. Beechly said “I accept the compliments and I’m grateful that people have noticed. It’s true, I’ve learned a lot by being a member of the House of Representatives.”

When does Spring begin for you?

Uncategorized

Baboons in the News

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Left-leaning cynics might assume from the title of this post that I am writing today about the prospective presidency of Texas Senator Ted Cruz, but what is on my mind is a far more likely possibility – that one of us will some day inadvertently (and ironically) encounter a wild baboon while innocently walking down a trail.

As some of you know, the name of this blog is nothing more than a play on words, coined because my original choice for a title, “Trial Balloon,” was already spoken for.

I don’t actually know much about baboons, or their trail behavior. Frankly, I didn’t know that a trail was anyplace where one might encounter a baboon, but apparently it is not unusual to meet them on trails around Capetown, South Africa.

And I was surprised to learn from the above-linked article that baboons live in groups of about 50, which is approximately the number of people who regularly read this blog.

Coincidence? I think not.

Here are the two most fascinating baboon-encounter tidbits I’ve taken away from this document:

  • When encountering a baboon on a trail, don’t smile or show your teeth, as this could be interpreted as an act of aggression.
  • By all means remain calm, and stand up straight to display a strong and confident yet non-threatening behavior.

As a habitual smiling sloucher, I’m afraid I am ill-equipped to handle baboons properly during an accidental trail encounter – just another reason to keep all my baboon interactions virtual.

How should a person meeting you for the first time behave if they aim to keep you from becoming riled up?