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Cowards Pass On Offer

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Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

Yawn!

Bart here, fading in and out of that wintertime state of torpor otherwise known as “hibernation”.

I’m not too excited about being awake right now, but as long as I’m up I do have a bone to pick with the people who make a big fuss over Groundhog Day.

Last year I said Groundhog Day could be lots more interesting if they made a big show out of rousting a bear to find out how much longer winter would last.

But nobody took me up on it. Yesterday came and went without even a knock on my door. Not that I have an actual door in my den, but you know what I mean. I waited around all morning hoping to be poked with a stick, but nothing happened.

Instead, all the coverage went to that stupid groundhog. Again.

So no, I’m not impressed that P. Phil “saw” his shadow. Casting a shadow is not a big deal in the animal world. Almost everybody can do it.

Rousting a bear would be much more active than waking a groundhog, and I can do a lot more than blink my eyes in the February sunshine. But I realize the whole groundhog thing is built around old fashioned “folk wisdom”, so I made up a little rhyme to get the bear rousting tradition going.

Wake a bear while he is nappin’
and he can tell you what will happen.

If he stomps upon your torso
spring’s delayed six weeks or moreso

If he bites you on your shoulder
March and April will be colder

But if he licks you on your face,
Spring will hurry here, apace.

Nice use of “apace,” eh? That’s Shakespeare.  Let’s see a groundhog do that!

Your pal,
Bart

Share your favorite bit of folk wisdom.

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m an ordinary non-scientific American who doesn’t quite agree with what the brainiacs in lab coats have to say about science-y things evolution, climate change and Frankenfoods.

The harder they argue that their research contradicts what I feel is true, the less likely I am to accept it.

The media talking heads think this disconnect provides clear evidence that I’m a great big dummy, but actually I’m a normal sized person. And I’m just like a lot of other very normal people in one key area – I get stubborn and resentful when another person tells me they know what’s going on and I don’t.

I find it exasperating that scientists, who seem to be so intelligent in other areas, don’t get this basic human truth – nobody likes a smarty pants. And here’s the tricky part – I actually respect science and I want to believe what they’re saying, but I feel like they won’t let me because of the way they deliver information.

So I’m sure you’re wondering why somebody as defensive as me would ask you for advice. The fact is, I’m only doing it because you’re an animal, Dr. Babooner.

A lot of people like me feel more comfortable talking to hairy beasts than we do to other humans. For instance I’ve noticed that the only authority figure in a lab coat who doesn’t make me instantly angry is Mr. Peabody, and he’s a dog.

So, given that they desperately need better PR, why do scientists insist on issuing their learned proclamations from ivory towers rather than explaining important issues like global warming and GMO’s in a more palatable way. Like maybe through the lips of cartoon animals?

Quizzically,
John Q. Public

Dear Mr. Public,

I’m flattered that you think I’m somehow more approachable than a scientist because I am hairy. But I have to point out that the only reason my hair looks the way it does – is science. A wild baboon would never have the time or the chemicals to make it do this.

Scientists issuing their major reports through the lips of cartoon animals might indeed make the information more palatable for resentful Americans like yourself, but you’re forgetting that intelligent people do like to receive credit for their knowledge, even if they are, technically, a “smarty pants.”

Maybe your uninformed stubbornness would be easier to take if you denounced careful scientific research through the furry lips of a very cute big-eyed kitten.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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The Walking Boom

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Today’s post comes from idea maker and marketing guru Spin Williams, who is always in residence at the Meeting That Never Ends.

You heard it here first – walking is coming back!

We were delighted to read the results of this  latest study by some Swedish people  about how good it is for your mind and body when you get up from your desk and go out for a thirty minute walk at lunchtime.

This was another case of the Swedes verifying common sense healthy things that really make a difference in your life – they’re so predictable! Maybe that’s because they already do these things – so taking the walk is one kind of workout and then bragging about it is a separate and equally strenuous exercise in self congratulations – it’s Doubly Aerobic!

Here at the Meeting That Never Ends, we endorse the concept but we’re far too busy to take a lunchtime walk. We stay at our desks – otherwise how would we ever catch up on the tasks we’re supposed to be doing over the lunch hour? Time is money! Maybe those Scandinavian countries can afford a government-mandated break for thin crisp breads and organic cheeses, but in America, we work!

The study says a walk will improve your mood an clear your mind, as if that’s a good thing.

What they don’t realize is this – the American workplace thrives on bitterness and resentment fed by physical inactivity. We became a world power through focused decision-making by a long string of cloudy-minded, angry jerks who would have come up with something so much more civilized and European if they’d only stood up for a while and moved around! That’s why we’re number one – a heady cocktail of spite and willful ignorance!

But all of us at the meeting agreed – there’s no resisting the power of group-think. That’s why we decided to try to get out in front of this walking-at-lunch trend.

The best new product idea to come out of the meeting is a strap-on human feedbag with a built-in pedometer, so you can count your steps and count your calories at the same time! Test name – Active Buffet! We’ll take this to market at about the same time Apple comes out with its new iWatch!

No time to waste. Grasp opportunity!

Yours in marketing,
Spin

Where’s your favorite place to take a walk?

.

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Word Puzzles & Pirates

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Today’s post comes from a pirate wanted on all 7 continents, Captain Billy.

Ahoy landlubbers!

Me and me boys is glad t’ be buccaneers what  fills our days sailin’ down th’ seacoast pillagin’ villages instead a havin’ day jobs like th’ rest of ya does.  We is truly blessed t’ have such a congenial lifestyle.  ‘Twas never more clear t’ me than it was just after I read this here article about the weird science of naming new products.

Didja know th’ name “Viagra” is crash between th’ words “vigorous” an’ “Niagara”?   Why they puts a name what’s famous fer falls in  somethin’ what’s supposed t’ be all about goin’ “up” hydraulically is mysterious t’ me.

 Th’ writer tells us about this here boyo who sits around all day strainin’ his brain t’ come up with words nobody ever thought of before t’ slap on products what needs a name.  An’ he’s come up wi’ some famous ones!  But also a lot that ain’t too well known, like:

 Avaya, Enormo, Fanhattan, Freescale, Homestyler, Kixx, Mylo, Pause, Rig, Scribe, Spontania, Valchemy, Wanderful and Zact.

 Th’ amount o’ work he as t’ go through t’ develop names is mighty discouragin’.   Lists an’ lists o’ ideas an’ word parts,  all mashed t’gether an’ taken apart, then presented t’ th’ clients, then re-worked an’ shaped an’ explained an’ re-presented.  An’ then he’s likely as not t’ get shot down, because as th’ writer says,

“Having asked for a whole new identity, the client is terrified to accept it.”

Terrified about commitment.  Finally, somethin’ we pirates understands!  What a horrible job.  Gimme th’ open skies an’ rollin’ sea any day, ain’t that right, boys?

Actually, though, we did somethin’ very similar when we named this here boat of ours.  What I did was I split th’ boys up in two groups an’ told ’em t’ brainstorm around words what described us an’ what we does.

Me boys is strong in th’ “storm” part, an’ not so much in th’ “brain” area, but each group came up wi’ some good ones.

Group number one said “Musket” was a word what sounded “manly” an “violent”, which is how we sees ourselves.  An’ they said “Lunge” was another one what captured us, on account of it bein’ “violent” an “manly”.  They was the ones what said we should name th’ boat th’ “Muskellunge”.

Group number two, on th’ other hand,  said “Musky” was a term fer th’ way things start t’ smell ’round here, ‘specially below decks.  So they  figured “Musky Lung” was a good name fer th’ boat on account of that’s what yer bound t’  get by ridin’ around in it.

After ’bout 5 seconds deliberation, we went with group number one, unanimous-like.

An’ that’s how th’ Muskellunge got her name!

Yer word-lovin’ swashbuckler,
Cap’n Billy

What’s your favorite made-up product name, and why?

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I’m Not Saying

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Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m not about to say “I told you so”, but there are a lot of people here in Washington DC who are a bit red-faced today about the latest news that the planet broke its all time heat record in 2014.

Some of those faces are red with anger, and others … well, it’s been hot. What do you expect? I’m not saying I fully understand the meaning of this short video from NOAA, but if I was still a teenager and this world map was my face, I’d be alarmed at the blotchy mess it has become. I thought this was supposed to go away as you get older!

I’m not saying we’re incapable of dealing with this problem in a meaningful way, and I’m not naming any names, but I can pretty much assure you that the people who did nothing to address climate change before this latest news can be counted on to keep doing nothing well into the foreseeable future.

That means it’s up to the rest of us.

Now, I’m not about to try to take advantage of this calamity to promote Minnesota tourism, but I do want to remind you that Minnesota is far from all the coasts and we do have lots of nice cool lakes. I’m not saying that Minnesota will be the only safe and/or comfortable place to be when things get harsh everywhere else, and although it pretty much makes that case without saying a word, I’m not trying to draw your attention to the widely published map that clearly indicates we were in one of the world’s rare cool (meaning “normal”) zones last year.

CLIMATE

Why the American Midwest looks so comfortable while all the other parts of the world appear to be sweltering (except out in the middle of some oceans and in Central Africa, where they’re fighting wars right now) is something I’m definitely not saying. But the only reason I’m not saying any of these things is that I know people will get mad at me if I do. Biting my tongue is a real test for me, mostly because it moves so much and my teeth are so tiny. But part of being a politician is knowing when to speak up, and when to be disingenuous.

Your (cool) Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What makes you bite your tongue?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m disturbed by a new wave of thinking in business circles that accepts a pack of troubling conclusions about the “speaking-up” styles of men vs. women in the workplace. The gist of it is that men who speak up frequently in office meetings are rewarded for their ideas more than women are for offering the same or equally good ideas.

Supporting all this is the notion that men are good at projecting confidence even when (especially when) they don’t know anything, whereas women are merely competent in all the areas that matter most. But in spite of their abilities, the women tend to remain quiet in meetings because they’re tired of having supremely confident men walk all over them and steal their ideas.

Dr. Babooner, I’m a man who has worked collaboratively with women throughout my career so I can honestly say it sounds like nonsense to me. I’ve always been supportive of my female colleagues. I remember about ten years ago I was in a meeting to talk about a problem getting the product out of our glass fruit warehouse when Heather suggested we speed up the conveyor belts by 1/5th of a mile per hour. She thought a small adjustment like that would reverberate all through the system and marginally improve our delivery times.

I got so excited by her good idea I jumped in before she was even done talking and said we should increase speeds by 5 miles per hour to make the product fly off our shelves! And because I so quickly and enthusiastically endorsed and improved the concept, they put me in charge of the project!

But I never missed an opportunity to let people know it was HER idea, not mine!

Sadly, Heather left the company the following year after refusing to take responsibility for all the product breakage we were seeing in the warehouse. I think that’s the real problem with women in the corporate workplace – they aren’t willing to accept the consequences of their high level decisions.

Dr. Babooner, your picture makes it look like you’re a woman so you’re probably not going to agree with me, but I’m absolutely certain I’ve got this one right. But how can I overcome this new prevailing assumption that my confidence is just testosterone-induced blustering?

With Supreme Assurance,
Mr. Positive

I told Mr. P that a smart office player always works WITH prevailing assumptions, not against them. Since the latest scholarship has already concluded his approach is complete BS, he should wait for a female co-worker to point it out and then endorse her criticism with all the manly force he uses for his other positions. By selling his colleagues on the effectiveness of his false certainty, he can still dominate the decision making.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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Recruit to Deny Guy

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Today’s post comes from Wendell Willkie High School’s perennial sophomore, Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

I admit I’ve been a pest when it comes to passing notes in class to ask girls if they want to go out with me. Usually (always) the answer is “no”, because … well, it just is.

But that’s OK. My feelings don’t get hurt too much ’cause I’ve been in 10th grade for about 20 years and a guy just gets used to things over that much time. Pretty much I just do it out of habit.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s why some of the girls say (behind my back) that I’m creepy. On account of I’m old enough to be boyhood friends with their fathers.

Anyway, we just had a meeting today with Mr. Norton, the guidance counselor, and he told us about an amazing thing colleges are doing that I think is so inspiring, I’m going to start using it in my personal life because it might help me stop feeling like such a loser.

It’s called “recruit to deny”, which describes the practice of sending letters and e-mails and texts to students who the schools know are probably not going to get admitted, hoping to draw an application so they can say “no” and look more selective, meaning “better”.

Like I say – really cool idea.

So here’s what I’m thinking – I’ll change the notes I’m writing to these girls in my class from “Hey, do you want to go out with me sometime?” to something that’s more closer to a college recruiting letter, like “Hey, I’m inviting you to ask me to go out with you. Lots of really super girls have asked me already, and the ones I went out with thought it was one of the greatest educational experiences of their lives! It’ll cost a bunch ’cause of course I’ll want you to buy, but sometimes it takes a few bucks to learn important things about the world.”

I realize not very many will take me up on this offer, but I don’t get many “yeses” as it is. Even if I got just two to ask me out, I could say “yes” to one and “no” to the other. Then I would both have a date AND feel kinda selective and special!

And I wouldn’t feel sorry for the girl I turn down either, because she be the real winner. For obvious reasons!

What do you think?
Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby I found his latest note disturbing on a number of levels. As the oldest high school sophomore in history, it is totally inappropriate for him to be asking classmates out on dates. I’m relieved to hear that no one has taken him up on it. His latest idea to send out insincere invitations and mimic the callous strategy of some colleges to seem more “selective” is simply ludicrous, and I doubt it will bring him anything but sorrow.

On the other hand, it does feel wonderful to be wanted and unobtainable, so I get where he’s coming from.

When has turning down an offer made you feel good?

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Trash Pick-Up

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Today’s post comes from the renegade skipper of the pirate ship Muskellunge, Captain Billy.

Ahoy, Landlubbers!

I don’t read much what’s printed on paper no more, but me boys regularly  spends their idle time fishin’ soggy magazines outa th’ drink.  A number of them is particularly interested in locatin’ back issues of National Pornographic on account of they is connoisseurs of th’ art form.  But more often what they finds is drenched copies of its less provocative sister publication, National Geographic.

In a recent issue me boys was flummoxed t’ discover that the amount of trash in th’ ocean is now near  5.25 trillion pieces, which amounts to a lot of anythin’, no matter what it is yer countin’!

Environmental observers bemoans th’ fact that no one is responsible fer cleanin’ up this mess.

Bein’ gentlemen of a scavengin’ nature who is naturally inclined to re-use an’ re-purpose all sorts of found debris, such as diamonds, precious metals an’ currency,  we found it fascinatin’ that much of th’ floatin’ oceanic flotsam collects in five gigantic swirlin’ zones, or gyres.

Weather an’ waves is breakin’ down much of th’ plastic into tiny microfibers, an’ sinkin’ it t’ th’ lower depths, were its presence will someday come back t’ haunt us I’m certain!    But even now there are surprises t’ be found near th’ surface.

One trash explorer related this account of collectin’ everything from plastic candy wrappers t’ giant balls of fish netting:

One massive ball of netting, found midway across the Pacific, contained 89 different kinds of net and line, all wrapped around a tiny, two-inch-high teddy bear wearing a sorcerer’s cap at the center.

Th’ thought of goin’ t’ these five gyres an’ sortin’ through them fer treasure is a mighty attractive thought, I’ll tell ya. An’ we could go along ways towards cleanin’ things up as a happy byproduct of our never endin’ search fer valuables. All you has t’ do is replace that teddy bear in th’ center of th’ trash heap with a solid gold ingot and we is definitely interested!

So this here’s our message t’ all you trashy ground dwellers – especially them older ones what is thinkin’ of downsizin’. If you must keep up the plastic an’ trash production, then at least every now an’ then take th’ time t’ wrap th’ detritus around one of yer most prized possessions!

T’ “incentivize” our collection efforts, an t’ give us somethin’ t’ hope fer, of course.

On behalf of meself an me boys,
Capt. Billy

I suspect the Captain’s plea for people to throw out their valuables will likely fall on deaf ears, but it is intriguing to think there are five spots on the global seas where all that stuff I thought was gone is now collecting. Maybe some of my socks are in the southern Indian Ocean!

Where does your flotsam collect?

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True North

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Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the woods.

H’lo, Bart here.

I’m hibernating right now, though we have our alert moments in between all the napping and torpor. So when I’m awake I check the Google news to see what’s going on, which is how I found out there’s new territory opening up to the north of here.

Bear territory, I mean. Polar bears are getting even more polar, real-estate wise. That means new places are opening up – sights I’ve never seen and fresh ursine experiences. Maybe I’m ready for a change. It would feel different to be the New Bear In Town.

Not that I’m all that excited about the prospect of moving north, especially when you see the area being vacated – it’s a lot of water that isn’t frozen as much as it used to be. But where there’s water, you might find some fish. And anyway, if bears to the north of us are moving away, that means bears to the south of us are moving closer.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against southern bears. I just don’t like crowds.

So anyway … when I fall back to sleep in a minute or two, I’ll dream about going on an adventure to find an abandoned Polar Bear Palace in the distant wilds – my new Fortress of Solitude at the top of the world.

But really, I don’t think I’ll ever leave home.

Yawn,
Bart

Have you ever been part of a migration?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

22 Comments

We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I believe in setting goals and taking positive action to achieve them, so I have great ambitions for 2015. I want this to be the year I learn to crochet and finally finish my Master’s Degree in Applied Physics.

And I also want to walk a tightrope across a narrow part of the Grand Canyon.

I’m very linear, so I’m going to get to work on the crocheting first. Once I’ve perfected that, I’ll brush up on my math, and after I’ve got that Master’s Degree in hand I’ll start with my balancing practice.

But I’ve also realized that achieving new things feels pointless unless you can share them with the world, so I’m wondering if having a camera crew follow me around might be a good idea.

Having a production crew to document your activities just seems to make sense in the age of digital media. Me reaching my tightrope goal will be a dramatic video event all by itself, but I’m thinking it will be great to have some martial music playing in the background while people watch me work on my math and crocheting.

Something like the music Kim Jong Un uses in this new video about him flying a plane is exactly the thing I have in mind.

The subtitles help too! I’ll add subtitles to my crocheting video for sure, since they speak a special language in that field that only a few people know. We’ll probably be fine without subtitles for my other achievements, since everybody pretty much gets it about Applied Physics and gravity.

Dr. Babooner, I’m excited about my 2015 goals but I’m not sure I should reveal them to the world right now. Declaring my intentions will force me into action because avoiding embarrassment means there can be no turning back. But I know it would be much less stressful for me if I set my goals quietly and announced my magnificent achievements only AFTER they were actually achieved.

What would you do?
Excited But Already Exhausted

I told E.B.A.E. that quiet goal setting is much less stressful, but often it ends right there. If you really want to reach a difficult goal, you have to corner yourself into doing it by declaring your intentions to the world, or at least to the people whose approval you crave. That said, I think documenting your life with a video crew, martial music and subtitles is a great idea even if you don’t achieve remarkable things.

ESPECIALLY if you don’t achieve remarkable things.

 

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?