Dear Dr. Babooner,

I just want to make it clear at the outset that I love my country.

I love it so much I want to make all of its decisions for it. But to be able to make those decisions, I have to win a major, major contest against the person who’s running it now.

I say “running it now” but in fact he’s not running it. No one person can run an entire country – especially this one. It’s too big and varied.

But anyway, I really, really want to win. So I go around pretending he’s running the country poorly and messing it up. And I also pretend that I can somehow do a better job. We both know this is nonsense, but we both continue to act like fixing an economy is no big deal, and that we both know exactly how it’s done.

Every now and then a bunch of numbers come out that indicate how the country is faring. When the numbers are bad, I look better. When the numbers are better, I look bad.

Dr. Babooner, I really need my country to have some bad numbers right now. I find myself dreaming of massive unemployment increases and a misery index that is off-the-charts awful.

But I only want to see this calamity deepen so I can get a chance to make things right! The agony of other people creates opportunity for me, and when I get a the right opportunity, I’m pretty sure I can make things better for everyone! That might be another hallucination but there’s only one way to find out!

Does that make me a bad person?

Seamus Roofrack, Esq.

I told Mr. Roofrack that yes, in fact, this does make him a bad person. No question. Wishing misery on strangers so one can get an opportunity to reduce their misery is as radical a self-glorification fantasy as one is likely to have. It’s like Lassie hoping Timmy falls in the well so she can charge to his rescue. This is a fanciful story, though, because a canine would never be so selfish or deluded.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s post comes from Ninth District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in Minnesota, which actually covers a lot of (wet) ground.

Greetings Constituents,

Representing all the water surface area is a perfect job for me. When I was a kid I stole my dad’s pontoon and went joyriding. The Lake Patrol came and got me and they pretended they were going to lock me in jail. I did them one better – I pretended I was excited about becoming a ward of the state, and they backed off.

I love debates because it’s so much like going out on the lake in a boat. There’s lots of wind and you circle for hours.

But one thing you have to be sure you’ve got down pat before you participate in a debate is a good Opening Statement. Experts call it your “Elevator Speech” – a one minute summary of who you are and what you’re about. They say you’d better give up running for office if you don’t have one of these ready to go. But I’ve never understood that because I managed to get elected without one! But I wrote something anyway.

Here it is.

Hi, I’m Loomis Beechly and I’m asking for your vote to represent the 9th district in Congress. I could tell you that I’m the best person in the world for this job, but we both know that’s not true. There are lots of nice folks who would be excellent Members of Congress, but they’re not running and I am.

I could tell you that I’m just like you, and that I will do what you would do if you went to Washington in my place. But that’s impossible. Only you can be you. I have to be me. Some days, I can barely pull that off, but I promise I will always, always try.

They say I should have clear talking points on every issue, but I just can’t remember what my positions are supposed to be and so I’ll always say whatever comes into my head. Some people argue that this makes me unfit for office, but I disagree. Yes, I’m inconsistent, but I’ve always been that way. It’s true that I sometimes have changeable policies, but that’s my way of fully representing every single person in my district. People’s views vary. It’s my goal to be in complete agreement with each of my constituents for at least one minute during the course of my service. Maybe the timing will work out and I’ll cast an important vote during the sixty seconds I totally agree with YOU!

I know it’s not the usual bio, but that’s who I am and I hope that’s good enough to convince you to give me your boat.

I mean your vote.

So that’s my speech. If we get caught in an elevator somewhere on the campaign trail over the next few weeks, now you already know what I’m going to say. Unless something else comes to mind!

See you on the campaign trail,

Loomis Beechly

What’s YOUR opening statement?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’ve spent the summer working hard around the hive – I don’t mind. I’m a drone and it’s my job. But there comes a time when the season changes and the work ends and we’re free to go out and look for sugar, which is remarkably easy to find around trash cans and any other place people toss their half-filled pop containers. Just about everywhere, it turns out.

It’s a magical and tragic time for us – we get to tank up on the sweet stuff before we die, which we all will do in short order, me included. Again – that bummer comes as part of the gig. My feelings make no difference at all, so I’m resigned to my fate.

But here’s what frosts me, Dr. Babooner. People waving their hands around in the air and running for cover or trying to crush me just because I happen to be buzzing around. They think I’ve come to attack them, and that is simply NOT TRUE! I really don’t care about them, except when they lunge at me.

Just yesterday I spent the day between a window and a window shade in this guy’s bedroom. I’d fly up to the top of the window and he’s throw a slipper at me and then cower in the doorway. His aim was lousy so I’d survive, but five minutes later he’s slapping at me with a rolled up newspaper, his other arm draped over his head to protect himself. Oh, and the whole while, he’s shrieking.

Here’s what I want to tell him: Look at me. I’m weak. I’m confused. A little dizzy. I’m going to die! Maybe sooner than I think out of embarrassment for you over the way you flail and screech.

Please, let’s all behave with some dignity – is that too much to ask?

Dizzily,
Waspy D. Pest

Here’s what I told Waspy; “Asking other people to behave with “dignity” is sometimes too much to ask, especially when those people are terrified. Frightened people don’t obey logic and can’t make sense. Your best course is to avoid them. Unfortunately, there is something about you that sends certain people into a frenzy and that will always be true no matter what you do. Ultimately I can only offer you your own advice – You’re going to die. So accept your fate and enjoy the nice weather. Get your fill of spilled pop and rotting fruit while you can, and avoid confrontations even when they come looking for you! And for heavens sake, don’t get caught between the window and the shade. What a terrible place to spend your final hours!”

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?